Stand Alone

by P. D. Workman

  It hadn’t occurred to Tamara when she had met Mrs. Henson that the foster children would not all be white like her. But of course, she already knew the statistics. There were more non-white children in foster care, and very few non-white parents. So they couldn’t pair black children with black parents. Tamara was intimidated by all of the dark faces looking back at her. She wasn’t prejudiced, but juvie had taught her to be acutely aware of race relations, and how her white-faced, blond-haired presence could be aggravating to others. They would immediately judge her as stuck-up, privileged, and ignorant.

  Tamara was fifteen, and not big. The other children, only four of them, Tamara realized, not the mob that she had originally perceived them as, were all taller than her. Most of them taller than Mrs. Henson. Studying their faces, Tamara could see that they were seventeen or eighteen. One boy seemed even too old to be eighteen.

  “Everyone,” Mrs. Henson said, “this is Tamara, our new foster child. I know you’ll all make her feel comfortable and help her get settled in.”

  They all nodded, smiled, and waved. Tamara nodded back.

  “Hey.”

  Her voice was hoarse, the greeting barely audible. Tamara wasn’t sure any of them had heard her. She nodded again and didn’t repeat the greeting.

  “Okay, are you ready?” Mrs. Henson questioned with a wide smile. “This is Nita,” a Hispanic girl with long hair and perfectly plucked eyebrows, “Deshawn,” the darkest face, a girl with cornrows and a brilliant white smile, “Jason,” black skin, close cropped black hair, probably eighteen, “and Harry.” Harry seemed a particularly non-ethnic name for a boy who appeared to be some mixture of black, Hispanic, and native. He smiled nicely for her, but his resting face was serious, contemplative. He was the one that Tamara was sure must be older than eighteen. He should have already aged out of the system.

  Tamara nodded again and swallowed. Now what? Was she supposed to repeat them back? Greet each one separately? Shake hands? Tamara just stood there, lost, then looked at Mrs. Henson for direction.

  “Okay, let’s get started on dinner,” Mrs. Henson suggested. “Nita, why don’t you show Tamara where the dishes are, and she can help you set the table…” she went on, but Tamara didn’t hear the rest of the instructions she gave to the remaining kids. She had her instructions. Go with Nita and set the table. She made her way across the room to Nita, and Nita smiled at her.

  “Welcome,” she said in a low voice that was almost a whisper. “I hope you like it here.”

  Tamara nodded.

  “Yeah. Thanks.”

  “Well, come on. The dishes are in this cupboard here, and the glasses, and the cutlery,” Nita indicated each location.

  “How many…?” Tamara questioned. She cleared her throat. “Is there a Mr. Henson? Or anyone else?”

  “Yeah, Jesse will be home for dinner. That’s Mr. Henson. So seven altogether.”

  Tamara counted out the plates and trucked them over to the table, where she put them down carefully. Her hands shook slightly as she set them down, and it was an effort not to let them clatter. There was a baby’s high chair, pushed against the wall. Tamara looked away from it and continued with her work, breathing shallowly. Setting the table only took a couple of minutes, and then Mrs. Henson gave them various other small tasks until everything started coming together for the dinner. She looked at her watch.

  “Thanks guys. Take a break for about twenty minutes. Then everything should be done cooking, Jesse will be home, and we’ll eat.”

  The kids dispersed. Tamara headed back up to her bedroom. Deshawn stopped ahead of Tamara , blocking her way into her bedroom.

  “Do you need anything?” she asked Tamara.

  Tamara shook her head.

  “Sometimes… people don’t come here with very much,” Deshawn said. “Missus buys up extra toothbrushes and all, and we all share clothes…” Glancing over Tamara’s figure, she shrugged. “My pants won’t do you much good, but if you want a shirt, some accessories…”

  Tamara stood there and contemplated the idea. For three years, she had worn nothing but an orange prison jumpsuit. Social Services had provided her with two very basic changes of clothing for her release. T-shirt, pants, socks, underthings. One pair of white tennis shoes. It was more fashion than Tamara had access to in all her time in juvie, but she was aware that it was sorely inadequate for a teenager on the outside.

  Deshawn made an encouraging motion.

  “Come on. Let’s see if there’s anything you want to borrow,” she said.

  Tamara followed her to one of the other bedrooms.

  “Nita and I share the room,” Deshawn commented. Nita was not there; maybe she had gone to watch TV or something. The room was painted sky blue. There was a utilitarian set of bunk beds, a couple of dressers cluttered with scarves, jewelry, and books, and a closet that was jammed full. The knobs on either side of the open closet door had been pressed into use to hold more hangers full of clothes. “It’s mostly thrift store,” Deshawn said, “but you can find some pretty good stuff if you look hard enough. Sorry, it’s sort of a mess. Come on. See what you like.”

  Tamara went to the closet and looked over the hangers full of brightly colored clothing. It didn’t appear that either Deshawn or Nita went for anything understated.

  “If you want t-shirts, they’re in the dresser,” Deshawn pointed, “and just grab whatever you see that you like. Just bring it back or throw it in the laundry when you’re done with it.”

  Tamara saw herself in the mirror mounted on the back of the closet door. There hadn’t been any full-length mirrors at juvie. And the only mirrors that had been there were polished metal or plastic, and you could never really see your reflection very well. Tamara had grown up a lot in juvie. She wasn’t the soft, shy little farm girl she had been when she went to the Bakers. They had changed her. And juvie had changed her. The years had not been particularly kind ones. But she had a figure now, and was going to have to learn how to dress it up, instead of simply shrouding it in a prison jumpsuit. She had tattoos and piercings that she hadn’t had before her stay. Her hair was dull and lank, like everybody else’s in juvie. Tamara wound one lock around her finger, staring at the stranger reflected in the mirror.

  “Why don’t we do something with your hair?” Deshawn suggested. “There’s not much time, but if we blow-dry, we could be done before supper.”

  Tamara raked her fingers through her dirty blonde hair, disgusted with it.

  “Yeah. Could we?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” Deshawn agreed with emphasis. “We’ll shampoo it in the bathroom, and use leave-in conditioner…” she led the way out into the hallway, still chattering away to herself what they would do. Tamara just followed.

  Deshawn had her kneel by the tub, while the other girl used the hand-held shower attachment to quickly wet her hair down. The warm water felt so good on Tamara’s scalp, she wished she could get in for a full shower, and just luxuriate in it for hours. Three years of quick, cold showers. But Deshawn turned off the water way too soon, and applied a fruity smelling shampoo with strong, capable fingers, working it in and then rinsing it back out. She handed Tamara a towel and while Tamara rubbed her hair, Deshawn rifled through the myriad toiletries lining the back of the counter, the medicine cabinet, and a couple of deep wicker baskets under the sink.

  “Girls! Dinner!” the impatient call came again from downstairs.

  Deshawn poked her head out the door.

  “Just one more minute,” she called back. “We’ll be right down!”

  She returned her attention to Tamara.

  “Okay, just sit still for one more minute, girl,” she instructed.

  Tamara sat frozen, while Deshawn wound sections of her hair around the fat curling iron, holding it and then releasing. There was no way that she was going to be done the whole thing in another minute. But Deshawn worked quickly, sure of herself.

  “That will do it for now,” she announced.

  She laid the
curling iron down on the counter and unplugged it from the wall. Standing Tamara up, Deshawn shuffled her over and turned her to face the mirror.

  “Ta-da!”

  Tamara looked with astonishment at the face in the mirror. She was amazed at what a big difference a hairstyle could make. She still didn’t have on any make-up, hadn’t changed her clothes or accessorized, all she had done was let Deshawn clean and style her hair. Her image in the mirror was no longer so harsh and plain.

  “You’re gorgeous,” Deshawn gushed. “You’ve got really good color and proportions. We can have a lot of fun glamming you up. For now, this will do.”

  Standing behind Tamara, Deshawn used her fingers to wind and readjust a couple of curls. She lowered her head so that it was on the same level as Tamara’s, and gave her a smile.

  “What do you think?”

  “It’s… it’s really pretty. Thanks,” Tamara said. She cleared her throat, realizing that she was whispering. She had learned in juvie to use a strong, confident voice, not to be soft or timid. The Henson’s home was so different in atmosphere, she felt like she was in a library or something. That she needed to be quiet to avoid upsetting the peace of the place.

  “Come on, we’ve got to get down to dinner, or Missus will not be happy!”

  Tamara followed Deshawn back downstairs and to the dining room table that she and Nita had set. It was now covered with serving dishes, and everyone was seated, waiting for them. All eyes turned to Tamara as she looked at the three empty chairs, trying to decide which one she should take.

  “Tamara, doesn’t that look lovely,” Mrs. Henson complimented. “Here, sit down. These boys will eat everything before we even get a bite, if they have to wait much longer.”

  She gestured toward the empty chair nearest to her, and Tamara went over and sat down. Deshawn took what appeared to be her usual seat, beside Nita, which left one empty chair at the table of eight. Tamara looked for the first time at Mr. Henson. Slim, on the tall side. Handsome boyish face. Short-cropped curly red hair. He smiled at Tamara.

  “Welcome, Tamara. I’m Jesse.”

  Tamara nodded, looking down at her empty plate. Her stomach tightened and it was suddenly hard to breathe. The only men that she had been around for three years had been guards, doctors, and administrators. The last man she had lived with before that… her foster father, Mr. Baker… that had been a bad scene. A very bad scene. Tamara swallowed. She tried to consciously slow her breathing, but it just made her breath louder in her own ears, and she was sure everyone would be conscious of how loudly and quickly she was breathing.

  “Dig in,” Mrs. Henson said, and the boys acted like two Rottweilers just told to attack, diving into the serving dishes immediately. Conversation started up around the table, and rather than trying to follow any of it, Tamara just let it wash over her like white noise. She served up small portions of each of the dishes that passed her, and dutifully passed them on.

  “So tell us about your last home, Tamara,” Nita said. “Where did you come here from?”

  Tamara looked at Mrs. Henson. The woman just smiled and gave her a small nod, and didn’t jump in to help her out. If Tamara didn’t want to answer questions, she was going to have to be assertive and speak up. The conversations around the table quieted as the others paused to listen for her answer. Tamara swallowed a very dry mouthful of potatoes. They stuck right in the middle of her chest.

  “I wasn’t at a home,” she said finally, careful to keep her voice up, not to duck her head down. She was not vulnerable and had nothing to be ashamed of. She was strong and knew how to take care of herself. She had just as much right to be here as any of them. “I was in juvie.”

  There was an initial silence, and then conversations started back up again without further comment on Tamara’s answer.

  “Sorry,” Nita said. “I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay,” Tamara said, shaking her head. “It’s not a secret. That’s where I was.”

  Nita nodded.

  “Most of us have been in trouble at one time or another.”

  Tamara glanced around at their faces. None of them looked particularly troubled. They seemed happy and relaxed. At peace with themselves. Maybe they had been in trouble before, and maybe they hadn’t. You couldn’t always tell by looking at someone.

  “Harry’s probably spent the most time in juvie,” Deshawn contributed, nodding to her brother. “How much time, Harry?”

  “All together?” Harry questioned, laughing. “I don’t know. Longest stint was two years. But I had plenty of shorter stays before that.”

  Tamara studied him more closely. He met her eyes and nodded.

  “Harry’s twenty,” Mrs. Henson said without being asked. “So he’s not officially a foster child anymore. But we told him he could stay on here while he does some more schooling and gets on his feet.”

  Tamara nodded, looking back down at her plate.

  “That’s really nice of you.”

  “It’s to our benefit too. Harry contributes a lot to the family, and since he’s working part time, he’s also paying a bit of rent to help keep us afloat. So it works both ways.”

  Tamara bit into some sort of casserole.

  “I guess you’ll learn about everyone’s backgrounds gradually,” Mrs. Henson said. “We try to be open with each other. Everybody’s been through some pretty tough stuff. We don’t judge. We just try to help.”

  “That’s cool,” Tamara said, pushing her dinner around on her plate. She wasn’t hungry.

  She watched everyone else chow down, and conversations flowed back away from her again. Tamara watched for the appropriate time to leave the table. There was no end of dinner bell anymore. She had to relearn all the social graces. How to judge the end of a conversation. When one could politely leave the dinner table. How long she could look at someone before they decided she was being too aggressive. It was like living in a foreign country. A dangerous foreign country.

  “Not very hungry?” Mrs. Henson observed, as dinner conversation started to peter out.

  Tamara looked down at her plate, still nearly full.

  “No. I’m sorry… it’s good… I just feel kind of… my stomach hurts.”

  “It’s all right. It takes time to adjust. You can scrape it into the garbage. Nita can show you where. And everyone rinses their own plates and puts them in the dishwasher.”

  “Sure,” Tamara agreed. She stood up, grabbing her plate, and Nita got up and led the way back into the kitchen, where they took care of their dishes. Tamara looked back at the dining table. “Do you want help with clean-up?” she asked. “Or would I be in the way?”

  “Of course you can help. Usually I’d probably tell you to go do your homework while I cleared, but you don’t have any today, so why don’t you and I clean up together?”

  Tamara nodded, and she and Mrs. Henson bussed the serving dishes back to the kitchen, found lids for things, and put them into the fridge. Mrs. Henson turned the dishwasher on and wiped down the dining room table.

  “You can watch some TV or take some ‘down’ time. In bed at nine, and lights out at ten.”

  “Okay,” Tamara agreed.

  She wandered around the house a bit, but wasn’t comfortable sitting down with anybody else, and made her way back to her bedroom. As she approached, the door to the other girls’ bedroom opened. Nita peeked out.

  “Hey,” she said. “You need anything? Do you have pajamas?”

  Tamara shook her head.

  “No,” she admitted. “If I could borrow a t-shirt or something…”

  “You bet. Come in.”

  Nita opened the door the rest of the way for her, and Tamara went in. Tamara looked down at Nita’s feet, nails freshly painted and toes spread apart while they dried. Nita giggled and hobbled on her heels over to the dresser.

  “You want to do yours?” she questioned. She pulled out a handful of shirts and tossed them at Tamara.

  “No. Thanks,” Tamara said, fumb
ling with the shirts to see what her options were. “I’m going to hit the sack.”

  She found herself strangely unable to choose one of the shirts. There were three of them. They were all cute. Any one of them would work. All she had to do was decide which of the three she liked best. Nita was watching her, head cocked slightly.

  “The blue one is a really good color for you,” she suggested.

  Not the blue one. Tamara looked at the other two. She didn’t know which she wanted, but she had to decide before Nita made another suggestion. She had to make her own choice. Tamara tossed the blue one back to Nita, and with a knot in her stomach, tossed Nita the pink one too. Tamara looked down at the purple and blue patterned shirt in her hands.

  “This one is good,” she said.

  She felt a little sick. Worried that she had made the wrong choice. How silly was that, to be worried that she had picked the wrong t-shirt to wear in the privacy of her own bedroom? But she was. She had an overwhelming feeling of dread.

  “Have a good sleep,” Nita said with a smile.

  “Thanks.”

  Tamara went back to her room. She changed into the t-shirt, long enough to reach her mid-thighs. She laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. There would be no bell ringing to tell her when to go to sleep. Would her body know when it was time, without the bell? Would she be able to adjust to a new schedule? Not feeling the least bit tired, Tamara laid staring at the ceiling, twitching her foot and waiting for sleep.

  Also by this Author

  Mystery/Action:

  Looking Over Your Shoulder

  Young Adult Fiction:

  Breaking the Pattern:

  Deviation

  Diversion (Coming Soon)

  Between the Cracks:

  Ruby

  Stand Alone

  Tattooed Teardrops (Coming Soon)