IMMAGINARIO

by C. L. Monaghan

  “Now, Naomi. I want you, adesso amore.” His hips thrust forward and I felt him behind me. “That’s how much I want you tesoro, that’s how much you drive me crazy. Do you feel it?”

  I could hardly speak, so overcome with wanting all I could manage was a gasping “Yes!” and a nod of my head. I was done with waiting. It seemed that Joe was too, he yanked down my knickers, exposing just my bottom. Releasing me momentarily, I heard the light thud of his boxers hitting the floor behind me. The thrill of what was about to happen, was briefly tinged with the self-consciousness of being with someone new for the first time. Should I wait here or turn to face him? I wanted to turn around so badly and kiss him but in that moment of indecision his strong arms were around me again. He pressed his taught body against me. His skin burned with desire. He was so hard against my back I thought I would explode if he didn’t take me now. His mouth ravished my neck rendering me useless. My toes curled into the rug underfoot, as one of Joe’s hands caressed and played with my breasts. The other slipped between my open thighs, exploring the warm wetness that showed how receptive I was to his touch. His kisses moved down my back, followed by little flicks of his tongue. As he neared the small of my back he pulled my knickers down further to my ankles and I stepped out of them. Joe remained on his knees behind me. I had no idea what he was going to do to me. I felt his hand slide back up my body and he gently pressed on my back,

  “Bend over.” He instructed. I hesitated, unsure of what his intentions were. “Naomi…” was all he said and pushed again on my back. Slightly confused but so in need of him, I did as he said. Bending forward I rested my hands on the back of the chair in front of me. A few torturous seconds passed as I stood there, vulnerable and exposed to his gaze. Only when he buried his face between my legs did I realise I’d been holding my breath and I let it go in a loud cry. His tongue licked me slowly and his lips kissed and sucked at my flesh as if he was kissing my mouth. The scruff on his chin grazed the delicate skin of my inner thighs as he devoured me, bringing new sensations to the fore. I thought I would die from the sheer pleasure of it. I knew I wouldn’t last too much longer, I was torn between wanting him to stop so we could make love and wanting to give in to it, to reach my climax. My body gave me no choice as he suddenly flicked his tongue over my bottom at the same time as he pushed his thumb inside of me and used his fingers to caress my clit. The shock of being licked in a place no one had ever touched before had me reeling, I bucked backwards onto his mouth, my body taking over. I came so hard and so fast my legs wobbled but Joe steadied me with his free arm. My ears were ringing, I stood panting, allowing myself a few moments to get over what had happened. I’d never reacted like that with any man before. Joe had taken me to heights I’d never reached. He’d licked my backside! He wasn’t finished either, he began muttering in Italian, the urgency in his voice was clear. Each mumbled phrase followed by a kiss or a teasing bite as he rose behind me. I could feel all of him as he pressed himself firmly against my rear. A small hint of panic crossed my mind, did he want me like that? I’d never done that before and I was probably too far gone to say no. The state of sexual intoxication I was in I’d most likely agree to anything but I wasn’t sure I could take that so soon.

  “Joe, wait...” I began in protest.

  He groaned. “Tesoro, darling, no more waiting, please. I need to make you mine.” Joe spun me around to face him, cupping a hand to my face, he let his thumb brush my bottom lip. “Don’t you want me bella? I want to make love to you Naomi. I want to give you pleasure, only pleasure.” His lips replaced his thumb and in that moment I was lost forever. The taste of me on his mouth mixed with his own divine musk was like a drug. I wanted more, I wanted all of him. I wanted his pleasure, I decided, however it came.

  Oh God, yes Joe. I want you, so much.” I was breathing so rapidly between his urgent kisses on my mouth and neck I barely got the words out but he heard what he needed to hear. Bending slightly I felt his arms slide down past my ass and grab my legs. He hoisted me up in one move and I wrapped my legs around his waist. The tip of his flesh rested teasingly on mine, I felt insanely exhilarated. His chest hair tickled my nipples fuelling the fire, I was desperate now, and all I could think of was having him inside me. “Joe, please.” My begging barely a whisper. The anticipation was killing me. My plea was his cue and he carried me towards the bed. Words of amore poured from his lips, I had no idea what he was saying but it drove me wild. Everything about him screamed sex, his accent was just the cherry on the top. I lay on my back, legs open and ready for him. Joe stood naked and shameless at the side of the bed, drinking in the sight of me. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was magnificent, perfect. Every inch of him gleamed from the heat between us. He positioned himself over me, kissed me once and entered me in one swift, blissful thrust.

  “Mine.” he whispered.

  I read the scene again. Damn that was hot! I was so pleased with myself, the more I wrote, the better I felt. It was addictive. I couldn’t explain the pull that Joe had on me. The small shadow of guilt I had was buried under the sheer thrill of writing my story. My story? I chuckled to myself. Well it kind of was mine now. No one else was ever going to read it. Creating this make-believe life, roll-play or whatever you wanted to call it had taken over me. Somewhere inside ‘Jiminy’ protested but I shut him out. I knew I was behind with my professional work, especially my accounts and I promised myself I’d get to it at some point but not now. Now was about me and Joe. The scene I had just written was an amalgamation of many fantasies and late night dreams I’d been having lately. The dreams seemed to increase the more involved I got with this rewrite but I wasn’t complaining, I was inspired! I told myself I was getting my confidence back, beginning a new chapter in my life. That the writing was giving me new direction, a new goal and a path to success. Which, was true to a point but what I really didn’t want to admit was that I just wanted to write about me and Joe, together. As crazy as it might sound to an outsider, I was in love with him. There was no point trying to pass it off as fantasy anymore, he was in my head, he was part of me and this was the only way I could ever be with him. I was sure I’d be certified insane if anyone ever found out. I was aware how mad it all was, even slightly scared by the depth of my feelings for him. But it was real, to me anyway. He spoke to me, touched me, and loved me all through the pages of a book. No one was ever going to take that away from me.

  I had briefly glanced over the emails from Laney, they started out as enquiries as to how the proofread was going and was I able to meet the deadline, and then progressed to genuine concern for my lack of correspondence and finished with, ‘If I do not hear from you by the end of the month I must conclude that you are unable to complete the task and I will be forced to end our contract with no issue of payment.’ I had to admit, the last one had worried me. I hadn’t realised just how long it had been since I had last contacted Laney. We never communicated via phone or in person, she was a self-professed recluse and only ever got in touch via email. The paper manuscript she’d sent came with a P.O box number only, no return address. She liked her privacy for sure. I was worried because I needed payment to clear my bills and pay my rent, not because of what I’d done to her manuscript. That in itself made me sound like a horrible person but I really wasn’t. I just felt, I don’t know…alive when I was writing it. I couldn’t explain it, it felt right, maybe not in principle and certainly not on a professional level but it was right for me. I just knew it and because of that, I had to carry on.

  I had quickly sent a reply with some lame-arsed excuse of an ongoing stomach bug and a dodgy internet service as my reason for not being in touch. Hoping that would be enough to buy me some time, I made a mental note to send a genuine report of proofing back to her as soon as I could muster. The sane, logical part of me felt bad because, essentially, Laney had sent Joe to me. So, it was my duty to at least do the job she was still, hopefully, paying me for. I say the sane part of me because, when I took a moment to th
ink about how far I had let myself sink into this absurd fantasy, I realised just how cuckoo I must be. Maybe I should go talk to someone? A therapist or something? I knew I was being irresponsible and half of me just didn’t care and that was worrying. I could see Mum and Dad were right to be concerned, maybe I did need a break. That family holiday in New Zealand began to look quite appealing. Thoughts of my sister Imogen filled my head and I suddenly needed her. I checked the time on my phone, it was late here so it would be early morning in New Zealand. I clicked the Skype icon on my laptop and clicked the call button next to Immy’s profile, praying that she would answer.

  “Hey you! Long-time no speak.” I smiled at the camera on the screen, giving my sister a wave when she came into view.

  “I’m sorry, do I know you?” She quizzed back.

  “Har har! That’s original.” I said wryly. “How’s things? Any gossip?”

  “Well to be fair, sister dear, it has been a while since I’ve seen that beautiful mug of yours. I was beginning to think you’d dropped off the face of the earth!” She laughed. I missed her laugh. “Let’s see, gossip huh? Well, the firm have renewed my contract for another two years, so I guess I’ll be staying here for a while…and they gave me a pay rise which, is enough for me to move further into the city, so yeah.” She was positively beaming.

  “Wow! Immy, that’s brilliant. I’m happy for you, really. Mum and Dad will be too. Have you spoken to them? Mum said they were making plans to visit. Hey, would you mind if I decided to tag along? I mean nothing definite but you know, just in case.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Yeah, I spoke to them already. They’re coming as planned now. Mum mentioned about you coming…” she paused, “Um, I mean obviously you’re welcome and we’d love to see you, you’d love it here!” She paused again, I sensed her trepidation.

  “OK. Spit it out, I feel a ‘but’ coming on. What is it?” I admit I felt a little rejected. I mean I know I hadn’t been exactly keen on the idea when Mum mentioned it but I had hoped Immy’s inevitable excitement at us all visiting together would ignite my own. Now I felt quite deflated.

  “No, Naomi, of course you can come! It’s just that it’s only a small two-bedroom apartment and the sofa isn’t big enough. I’m not sure where you’d sleep.” I was confused. Could I not just share her room? Her next sentence explained why that wasn’t an option. “I met someone, Sis. His name’s Fletcher, he works at my firm and well…he kind of moved in so…” she pulled an apologetic face.

  “Well could he not just move out for a few weeks?” The retort flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. I regretted it instantly. This wasn’t how I’d wanted the conversation to go at all. I needed my sister. I needed to offload on her and her news had blindsided me. “Sorry, Imogen. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just… look it doesn’t matter, it was just a thought. I wasn’t seriously thinking about coming this time anyway. I can’t afford time off work, you know? I ran my palm over my face and scrunched my eyes up. Why did I feel like crying?

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” came her crackled reply. The camera feed wobbled. “You called me for a reason, didn’t you?” She had a look of sympathy and concern, not what I expected after I’d just snapped at her. I really wished I could hug her right now. I felt the tears brimming in the corners of my eyes.

  “Why did you have to move so far away?” I sobbed. “I miss you babe. There’s no one to bloody talk to here,” the tears spilled from my eyes and I let them, “everything’s turning to shit and I don’t know what to do.”

  “I heard about Iain, the wanker. Mum told me, she’d seen the announcement in the paper.”

  “God, is there anything Mum doesn’t know about! I swear she has radar or sixth sense or something.”

  “She’s worried about you. So am I now. You were in a good place, what happened? Do you need to see someone? Counselling again?”

  “No, I just. I don’t think so. I’m just having a bad time is all. Work’s getting on top of me a little and some other stuff on my mind.” My stomach knotted, should I tell her about Joe? Would she think I’d gone crazy? Of course she would! “I just needed a sympathy chat with my sister that was all.”

  “Well then you should call more often.” She teased softly. “I might be on the other side of the world but I’m always here for you, you know that. Why is work getting you down anyway? I thought you liked it. Didn’t you get the rest of that story you liked? The Italian guy?”

  Oh if only you knew. I laughed suddenly at the irony of it all.

  “Yeah, it’s turning out to be a bit more than I can handle. It’s…intense.”

  “Nothing you can’t handle though?”

  “I guess. It’s making me want to write again. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it, the work and the fact that Iain has moved on with his life and you’re settling down and have this great job and you live in New Zealand for God’s sake! And, where am I? Nothing’s changed for me Immy. Where’s my happy ending? I’m just fed up with everything, you know?”

  “Well, it’s great that you want to write though? I mean you always wanted that so do it. What’s stopping you?”

  “Nothing. It’s complicated. I can’t explain it now.” The laptop screen flickered and the camera feed momentarily froze. “Immy? You still there?” A crackling sound began, like when a TV emits white noise. The screen jumped again and allowed a brief distorted picture of my sister to come through. She appeared to be waving at me. I couldn’t work out if she was waving to indicate she was still there or waving goodbye. “I can see you, sort of, can you see me?” More waving. She was out of her seat now, leaning toward the camera. She appeared to be shouting at me. What the hell is wrong with her? “What? I can’t hear you!” I shouted back. She stopped waving and started frantically pointing at me. The picture remained distorted and jumpy and the sound had gone altogether. I hated Skype sometimes. “Listen, Imogen. I’m going to turn it off, OK? I don’t know if you can hear me but it’s not working. I’ll call you later!” I saw her shaking her head and gesturing towards me. She looked upset. Jesus, calm down drama queen! It’s only Skype. I blew out a frustrated breath and pressed the shutdown button on my laptop. I waited a few moments for the screen to turn black, as I reached up to close the lid, I saw my reflection and a man with silver hair standing right behind me.

  Chapter Three

  Joe

  It happened again. That strange sense of acute awareness, a tangible, palpable energy in the air around me. Or was it in me? I wasn’t sure. I was afraid to open my eyes to see where I had ended up this time. These dreams I kept having were nothing like how normal dreams should be. When they happened, it was like my real life was just a distant memory. The sense of who I was became foggy and vague compared to how I felt during these brief episodes. I was me but different somehow, it was impossible to comprehend. I know who I am. I know how I live my life and I could tell you about a thousand different memories from my past but it would feel like a narrative, not a memory.

  I stood still and prepared myself for what I would see when I opened my eyes. Heat emanated from my skin and the hairs on my arms rose to attention. A dull thudding beat out a steady rhythm in my chest. It took me a moment to realise it was my heartbeat. I knew that and yet its sound, although recognisable, seemed new to me.

  I remembered something of another dream I’d had of a dark, rainy street and an old woman with a screeching ginger cat. It felt similar to how I felt now, more real and more vivid than any of my own memories. This time I knew I was indoors. Even though my eyes remained shut, I had a sense of my surroundings. The resounding silence that filled my ears was charged with anticipation. An audience of one, waiting for the show to begin.

  My eyelids moved. Dim light from a lamp filtered in through the slits, easing me gently into the scene before me. I had been right, I was indoors. The shadows on the lamp lit walls told me it was night. A woman sat at a desk in front of a laptop. She was not moving. Her hand rested on top of the c
omputer lid as if she was about to close it. Suddenly, sound replaced the silence; a short, sharp intake of breath from her, as her eyes locked onto mine through the reflection on the screen. What now?

  The seconds ticked by and we continued to stare at each other, indirectly through the reflection. Her hand remained poised on the lid of the laptop, it twitched briefly and she blinked, keeping her eyes closed a second longer than is usual. I felt sure she was ready to slam the lid shut and rid herself of this vision of me. Was she afraid of me? I suppose even in a dream a woman would be frightened of a stranger appearing in her room. Who was she? I wondered. Naomi, came the reply in my head.

  “Naomi?” I didn’t realise I’d spoken until I saw her eyes widen in the reflection. Barely a whisper came from her exquisite mouth as she responded. She shook her head vigorously and rubbed her palms over her face, a few urgent mutterings reached me but I couldn’t determine the language only that she was upset

  “Perdono?”

  “No, no no! This isn’t real Naomi. You’re dreaming or hallucinating or some-bloody-thing!”

  English! She speaks English. Did I speak English?

  “Mi scusi signorina, are you alright?” It seems that I did! As dreams went, this was a strange one but I tried to take my lead from her. I wondered what the purpose of it was. I always thought a dream was your subconscious trying to work out a problem but right now, I had no idea what this particular one had to do with anything. I wished she would turn around, I was starting to feel uncomfortable watching this woman from behind. It was too hard to tell what was going on just looking at her back and her reflection in the screen.

  “It’s not real, wake up! It’s not real. No, no, no…” She was almost shouting now.

  A frown crossed my brow, she - Naomi, really did seem upset. I felt dreadful for causing her distress. Was she yelling at me to wake up? I had to admit I wouldn’t be too sorry to leave this dream but for the fact I liked looking at her. She was pretty, even in this anguished state her long brown hair tousled and slightly wild looking, fell around her face and just past her shoulders. She had a small but well-proportioned frame, petite and cute. I couldn’t tell what colour her eyes were because I had only seen them reflected on the black screen so far. I found myself really wanting to see them.