Trust

by A M Raulerson

  “I just want to show you off babe. Show everyone how good you are. It’ll help us, it really will. We’ll get closer. I love you babe!” Derek had weaseled and begged, until I gave in. Thank God David had been there.

  As I allowed myself to be cuffed to the Saint Andrew's Cross, fear ran through me. Derek wouldn’t tell me what he was going to do. Just that I would enjoy it. The Cross was at an angle so the audience could see my back, and watch Derek at the same time. Regretting the situation to begin with, I just hoped it wouldn’t be too bad. Derek said he loved me, but I really didn’t believe him anymore.

  I listened to Derek move several objects around in the bag beside him, but I was unable to see what he chose and I was becoming scared. Not even caring if I was ready, Derek stepped to the front of the stage, showing off what it was that he’d chosen. A small, nervous noise broke out from the Doms at the club.

  The next thing I knew, fire rained across my back. With no warm up, Derek just laid into me. The first stroke stole my breath. So much pain I couldn’t even scream, I just held still knowing now the pain would only get worse. There was silence in the club and by the time the second stroke hit, I screamed at the top of my lungs, I was in so much pain. My back bowed out. I was yanking and straining at the restraints, unable to move out of the way of the burning. I had no idea what I was even being hit with. The only thought in my head was to try to get away from it. The third strike hit and I was sobbing.

  “Stop! Red! Red! Red! Please just stop!” Begging and pleading, I heard noise coming from behind me. I couldn’t tell what was happening. All I knew was that the next strike didn’t come. Sobbing, I felt gentle hands start to uncuff me from the cross, feet first then slowly my hands. Supporting my body, careful not to touch my back more than he had to. He turned me around so we were chest to chest and he could lift me up by my butt, and carry me off the stage.

  As I l ooked back I saw three Dom’s in full leather, and two bouncers surrounding Derek. They were all yelling and screaming at him, and one of the Doms was holding a Cat o’ Nine Tails. Now I knew what had caused me so much pain. Tucking my head in the neck of my savior, I shuddered. I was quickly taken to the office of the club owner.

  “It’s okay baby, I’ve got you.” The man carrying me rumbled quietly, standing me on my feet again, even though I protested. Sitting down on the couch in the office, the man pulled me onto his lap, held me in his arms and petted and cuddled me. Softly saying over and over, “You're okay. I’ve got you.” I had never felt so safe in my life as he sat cuddling and soothing me until the shuddering had slowed. The door opened, scaring me all over again and causing me to jerk, and then scream at the pain again. I just couldn't seem to stop shaking either, but I calmed down when I saw it was just the club owner coming in with a first aid kit and some towels.

  “I can’t believe that just happ ened. I trusted Derek, even though I don’t know him well. It was in his application that he knew what he was doing David. I never would have allowed that if I had known. My God is he okay? Aaron wants to strap Derek to the cross and show him just what it feels like. I’d let him too if I didn’t think he would have Aaron arrested.” The owner said. I couldn’t remember his name at the moment, but I thought it started with a J or something. It was a good thing they didn’t expect me to answer any questions yet, I couldn’t have spoken if I wanted to.

  “It’s okay, baby. I have to move you a little so Jason can clean up your back, okay? I need you to straddle my thighs and lean against me.” I tried to help move my body, but every time I moved it felt like fire rushing over my back again. Trying not to scream, knowing they were just trying to help, I finally managed to get back in the position my rescuer had carried me in. Leaning heavily on this man, made me realize I needed to know his name. Needed to know the name of the man who’d saved me. The club owner had said it, but my mind hadn’t been paying attention.

  “Your name. You saved me, I need to know your name.” I tried to look up at the face of this man, but cried out, everything hurt.

  “Don’t move, baby. Just hold still and let us help you. My name is David London, I’m happy to have been here to save you. I hate for you to have to go through this, but Jason is going to have to clean the cuts on your back. It’s gonna hurt. There isn’t anything we can do about it. But you scream as much as you want. Squeeze me as hard as you want. I’m here for you, baby. Okay?” Trying to answer David by nodding, it just caused me more pain, so I whispered, yes, holding on as best I could.

  Fire ran across my back. I knew they were trying to help me, but it was more than I could take. I tried to squirm away from it. I tried to jump off David’s lap, anything to get away from the pain. David grabbed my neck tightly.

  “Settle. You will do this, One. You will listen to your Master. Jason is trying to help you. Settle.” The tone of David’s voice changed. His Dom voice made my entire body shake. Derek never had this, never had the underlying power that radiated in David’s voice. The voice made me want to do whatever Master David said. I trusted him. Master David had saved me, my body automatically calmed and slumped forward on Master David.

  “That’s right, One. Good boy. This will hurt, and you may make as much noise as you want, but you need to stay still. You will stay right here. Master David is right here to protect you.” I would listen to Master David, no matter how painful it was.

  As they proceeded to clean the wounds on my back, I did cry out, screaming when it became too much. Master David held me the whole time. By the time they had cleaned all the cuts, adding triple antibacterial ointment to them, I was floating away from the pain. My screams turned to moans, then on to small whimpers, but Master David held me through all of it. I wondered if this was what having a real Dom was like. I felt like I was floating above the pain, held in the arms of my savior, safe. I didn’t know what was going on anymore, but I wanted to stay here forever.

  “Just another minute, One. Master Jason is going to put on a cream. It should help with the pain, but the whip cut your skin so we have to be careful. You're doing so good. What a good boy you're being One.” David murmured into my ear, making me want to do whatever he said. I felt calm, safe. When Master Jason started putting on the cream, the pain started to fade. I could finally take a full breath. The Cat o’ Nine tails had hit my side along with my back, and breathing had been painful. Now I was able to draw a full breath the shudders slowly stopped, and with one final shudder my whole body shook.

  “I think I’ve got it now, Jason. Thanks for your help.” I heard the door click behind Master Jason, but didn’t care. I was still floating above the pain, the cream helping, but I was still sore and aching too.

  “Do you think you're ready to talk about it? I heard your name is Charlie, is that it?” I nodded. “I need to hear your voice now. It didn’t look like you even wanted to be there in the first place. Why did you let him do that, baby?” Knowing I had to tell David, I became embarrassed by just how far I’d let Derek go.

  “He’s my Dom...” I startled when David interrupted me. “What I just saw was not a Dom/sub relationship. That man is no Dom, and if I have to threaten Jason, which I don’t think I’ll have to do, that man will never come in this club or any other one again. He is not a Dom, baby. That was abuse!” David sounded so angry it started to frighten me. Feeling me tense up, David calmed down, shushing me and rubbing my head and shoulders, anywhere the Cat hadn’t hit me.

  “I’m not mad at you, baby. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I just don’t want you to think that what he did was okay.” Knowing he was right, I relaxed back into David’s chest.

  “I wanted to be loved. I wanted a Master to take care of me. He was my first Master, and he’d been so wonderful in the beginning. I don’t know what I did to make him change!” I started to sob. So confused, I just couldn’t take anymore. Swaying back and forth, David rocked me. Holding me tight and shushing me again.

  “It wasn’t you, baby. You didn’t do anything wro ng. No real Dom would do
such a thing without the sub allowing it, and only if they asked for it. The sub has to want it. Not just agree to it, and some subs do. They like the pain, but with them you still have to start out slow, work up to it. A real Dom would never do what that man just did. There was absolutely no prep either on stage, or behind it was there? A true Dom treasures his sub, wants him to feel good. Pleasure through pain is different, I assure you what he just did was abuse. Oh God. Please don’t tell me you live with that monster.” I crunched as far as I could under David’s neck, nodding and whimpering. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I wasn’t going back there. Derek had to be furious! The thought scared me badly, and I started shaking again.

  “It’s okay, baby. You’ll come home with me. You can’t be alone anyway, someone needs to look after your back. Come home with me, and when you start feeling better you and I can talk. I don’t want you going back to that man’s house without me. Who knows what he would do.” I nodded again, feeling relief flood my mind. I didn’t want to go back either, and going home with this man just felt right. I felt safe for the first time since I’d moved in with Derek. All I wanted to do was rest. We’d figure it out later, like he said. But for now I could feel comfort. So I’d roll with it and see what happened. It couldn’t be worse than Derek anyway. Well, I hoped not.

  ************* Simon I watch Charlie walk away to fetch something to wrap the puppy in. Knowing that both Justin and Molly will need me, I walk back to the mudroom.

  “What a good Mamma you are, Molly. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.” Justin is whispering to Molly, the pain in his voice heartbreaking. That sorrow makes me question myself. Did I do enough to help Molly? If I had just helped her faster, turned the puppy a different way? I knew in my mind I couldn’t have done anything else. There’s no telling how long that puppy had been dead. You can’t breathe life back into something that’s already dead. CPR can’t save everyone, and second guessing myself now is pointless. There’s nothing else to do now but bury the puppy and hope this setback doesn’t hurt Molly or Justin too badly.

  I watch Justin gently lay his head on Molly’s back, watching her lick and nudge her baby. The scene is tragic, Molly wanting her puppy to live. Justin doing the only thing he can to support her, leaning on her, softly rubbing her head and shoulders, and speaking words of love and comfort. It’s further proof to me that Justin isn’t damaged beyond repair. There’s love in that boy that’s probably never been tapped into, too afraid to love anyone, for fear of denial or rejection, too afraid of whatever pain and violence he’s seen and felt in his lifetime. No one has ever loved this poor boy, so he’s never loved anyone…until now.

  I look over my shoulder as the back door opens and I see the way David looks at the little scene before him. Making eye contact with me, he sighs. There’s nothing any of us can say to make this better, and being Doms, it isn’t a situation we like very much. We’re the ones who should be doing something, or saying something. We should know exactly what to do, but this is something that can’t be fixed. It’s a lesson for all of us to make sure we treasure those around us, be grateful and tell them we love them everyday. We never know what’s going to happen in the future. No matter how we try, some things just die even if we don’t want them to. We have to soldier on and realize we’re strong enough to handle this, and we have one another to count on.

  I move out of David’s way as he kneels down next to Justin, carefully taking his hand, just to comfort him. Trying to show solidarity, show that neither he, nor Molly are alone. Charlie came up behind me, handing me a silky looking thing. It must be from the linen closet up stairs. He chose well. If Molly doesn’t care what the puppy is buried in Justin will. Watching David pull away from Justin, letting Charlie take over, I decide that maybe Charlie should handle this. Even though Charlie has been showing his Dom side, maybe showing his sub side will help Justin the most. At least it seems that’s what Charlie thinks he needs.

  Making eye contact with David, I nod to the door. David looks back at Charlie and Justin, he must have thought the same. Clapping David on the shoulder, I walk out the door.

  ************* Justin

  Sitting down next to me, Charlie rubs my back, letting me continue to comfort Molly, and grieve for myself.

  “Justin? Do you want to go ahead and wrap the puppy in this?” He hands me a silk pillowcase. “Are you sure you want to use this? It looks so expensive.” I can’t believe they would do this for a puppy. I want that for the little one who never got a chance at life. I feel like it’s me they were getting ready to bury. The similarities aren’t a perfect match, but I can definitely empathize with the situation. I haven’t gotten much of a chance at life either and what I did get wasn’t worth much at all. Nightmares and nothing else really, until now.

  “Of course.” is all Charlie says, laying his hand on my back again. Picking up the puppy, I swaddle it in the silk sheet. Making sure it’s face is still uncovered. Showing Molly the swaddled puppy, I give her just a moment more to lick and smell her baby. Standing up and cuddling the puppy to my chest, I mourn with her.

  “You ready?” Looking into Charlie's face, I nod and head toward the back door. As we walk through the yard I realize that even though I know Charlie, I really don’t. Charlie was always so kind to me when I was on the street, but I never really even looked at him. I never wanted to make eye contact or speak, not that I could or would have back then. He was there to hold me too, tell me everything would be okay. And while I don’t know how, I trust they know better than me what’s possible. Walking next to him, I don’t know what my feelings are exactly. So much has happened in the last few days, that the only thing I can do is shove those thoughts to the back of my mind and take this one step at a time.

  Cradling the puppy in the silky pillowcase I think how unfair life can be. This puppy would have been loved here. Would have had a mother, all the food he could eat, love he could want, and brothers and sisters to play with. What was so wrong with the world that I survived hell on earth, but this little thing in my arms won’t live in a home with a family that I, myself had wanted so badly. But I survived to do what? Why was I still here? There can’t be a God in heaven, either that or He just doesn’t give a damn!

  Real izing I’d stopped walking, I look at Charlie, tears washing down my face. “Why couldn’t I have died instead? He could have had anything he wanted here! I’m so screwed up I don’t know anything anymore, but he’s dead and I’m not! How does that make any sense?!” Charlie grabs me hugging me tightly, but I struggle.

  “It’s not fair. None of this is. If I could, I’d trade my life for his. He could have had so much love. I can’t have love, I’m too broken to even see it anymore, if I ever did. He would have no memories of sick men raping him. No candy to make him feel better, when all it did was make the fucking rapist feel better! He would have everything I never knew I could wish for. It’s not FUCKING FAIR!” By now, I’m screaming, but can’t stop fighting, struggling so hard against Charlie that I punch his eye. I freeze, my body going stiff, I’m terrified! I just punched him! Oh God…

  Suddenly feeling a strong hand grab my neck, I don’t know what will happen. I know David saw me hit Charlie. Trembling I close my eyes, waiting to be struck.

  “Settle! No one is going to hurt you. Calm down, Two. No one is going to hit you. But hitting is not acceptable.” I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, but I feel the puppy being pulled from my hands and don’t fight it. Trembling, I feel David’s other arm surround me, holding me tight and turning me into his chest.

  The hand on my neck helps, but listening to the thump of David’s heart finally settles me down. Just listening to the

  thump...thump...thump, focusing on it slows my own heart, breathing in when David does.

  “Better?” David asks, slowly lowering the hand from my neck, rubbing both hands across my back, comforting me. I nod, missing the hand on my neck, and nuzzling into David’s chest.

  “Okay. We have to h
andle th is, because violence is not ok. I know it was an accident, but there has to be punishment.” I start trembling again, anxiety flooding me. David turns me around again, hands on my shoulders, making me face Charlie again. is Charlie going to hit me back?

  “N o, no, Justin. We do not hit in violence. If you ever earn a spanking you’ll be told what you did wrong, why it was wrong, and will have to agree with the spanking as punishment. But we never spank in anger or to punish violence. It shows the wrong message. We punish violence with physical labor. Because it was an accident, and you are new to our Dom/sub world...hmmm. I think one day of mucking out stables should be enough of a punishment, but it’s up to Charlie.”

  “I think that’s appropriate. It’s your first day, and I know you didn’t mean to hit me.” Charlie nodded, looking me in the eye, and smiling. The only thing I could do was smile back, so relieved I didn’t know what to do with myself. Wrapping my arms around my chest, I squeezed. Wanting the feel of David’s arms around me again. Suddenly, I got all three. Charlie and Simon joining in a group hug around me. It was amazing how much better I felt surrounded with acceptance and maybe even love. I grabbed onto Charlie and Simon with my arms, and lay my head on David’s chest. Just this, if I could just have this, it would be enough.

  ************* David I didn't want to punish Justin. His tenuous hold on the belief that he’s okay is so fragile, he really didn’t mean to hit Charlie. But if we don’t start laying down the law, if I don’t start showing Justin that I’m in charge…well, it just needs to happen now. Violence is not okay.