Trust

by A M Raulerson

  ************* Justin After picking ourselves up off the floor, and cleaning up, David and I went in search of Aaron. We finally found him in the conservatory, one of my favorite rooms in the whole house. He must have picked it because it’s in the very back of the house. He had ear buds in his ears as he listened to music on his phone. I know Aaron did that to give us some privacy in the kitchen. My cheeks flushing at the idea that he knew what we’d just been up to. I didn’t remember the man was even in the house, I was so wrapped up in the wonderful feelings that had been rushing through me. Ducking behind David, and feeling silly for a minute, I try to pull myself together as we walk toward the chaise lounge by the window, looking down at my shoes, I don’t want to even be here. I don’t think therapy works, at least not for me. I’d gone to enough sessions in my life to be skeptical, but David wants him to help me, so here I am.

  Aaron starts laughing, the sound making me look up. I’m surprised to see the man’s eyes twinkling merrily at me. “I’m sorry, I’m not making fun of you. You just remind me of myself when I was younger. Only I would have been pouting. Pissed off for being dragged to yet another waste of time therapy session.”

  “You’ve been in therapy? I thought you were a therapist?” I ask confused. “Oh, you think therapists can’t have been in therapy? I’ve found the ones who have, are a lot more helpful than the ones who haven’t. And you have to remember that therapists are human too.” The crooked little smirk on Aaron’s face makes me smile. It makes sense though.

  “Guess I never thought about that.” “What, that therapists are human? Or that the best one s are the ones who have real life experience, and can understand much better because of it?”

  “Both.” I say in a deadpan voice. Aaron cracks up again. Even David is laughing softly. It makes something inside me relax, just a little. I never considered whether there would be a difference. They went to all this trouble to learn how to be therapists, I just thought they were all the same. But what he said makes sense. Yeah, therapists work hard to learn the things in text books and stuff, but maybe one who has “real life experience” can understand better. But I doubt there are therapists who’ve been through what I have.

  “See, here is something that not everyone knows, or even thinks about unless they are asked to. There's a difference between sympathy and empathy. Do you know the difference?” I shake my head, having no idea.

  “Sympathy is something that any human can have. They don’t always use it, they’re much more concerned with themselves, unless it’s something tragic that pulls the sympathy to the forefront. Empathy is much harder, and not everybody can experience it. The only way to truly empathize with someone, is to have been through it yourself. Something tragic happens to you and now you know how it feels Instead of imagining you know how it feels. Boil it down and it’s simple. Sympathy is you imagining how it feels. Empathy means you know how it feels. Do you see the difference? It’s the difference between studying a book on how to drive a car, and actually driving a car. Think and know.”

  “Ok ay, that makes sense, I guess, but do you mean they have to go through the exact same thing to empathize or just have been hurt before. And what level of hurt would even be able to come close to empathizing with me? I doubt the people who’ve gone through the same shit I have even finished high school much less college and medical school.” I scoff. His theory makes sense, but I feel it’s still flawed.

  “You're right and wrong. Yes there are different levels of pain. You’ve had a lot of painful things happen to you. Someone else may have only gone through half the pain you’ve gone through, or even less. But break it down again, Justin. Pain is pain. You feel it, you know it. Different levels of pain are still just pain on top of pain. What I’ve been through in my life doesn't come close to your “level of hurt” as you call it. But in therapy we don’t go through every memory and painful experience at once. We do things one step at a time and work through it.

  “So while the memories you have, in their entirety, are a hug e bundle of hurt and pain so big you don’t know how you’ll ever get over them, break them down, turn them over in your mind and take them apart. Deal with each pain step by step with someone who knows pain, and can empathize with you, and be there for you while you bring yourself above the pain. Take away the control over your life by working through it.

  “What most people never even consider is that in life everything doesn’t happen all at once. It happens day by day, minute by minute, second by second. You’ll learn to hate my favorite saying. Break it down, Justin. It looks insurmountable as a whole, but take it second by second and it isn’t as impossible as you thought. It’ll still be hard, no doubt there. But with someone who knows pain, someone who can empathize and help you carry that pain and break it down with you, help make it into manageable parts, and destroy it bit by bit, you can learn how to live your life without pain controlling everything you do.”

  “But it’ll never be completely destroyed, never just go away.” I argue, feeling David’s hand rub up and down my back. “You're right. It never goes away, but your mind is an amazing thing. Your brain works overtime to lessen pain, dulling the memory of it. If you’re willing to help it along, willing to go through painful memories to break their power to terrify you and control you with fear and panic, your brain can do the rest, until finally you don’t think about those things every second of every day. Then it might only be once a day, then once a week, once a month, etcetera.

  “It takes time and work, but it can help. That’s why I became a therapist. After going to session after session with all these different therapists, the last thing I want to do is go to one more. But I was dragged into this shabby little office, pouting and acting like the bratty little teenager I was. This man sat across from me and explained to me what I’m basically telling you now. That he knew pain also, and no matter how much or how little pain you’ve been through, when you break it down, it’s still just pain. He understood pain because he knew it in the heart of himself. He’d been through it too.

  “You’re not alone, Justin. Every person in this house can empathize with your pain, because they’ve been there. So I’ll help you if you want me to, but if not I’d still like to be your friend. The choice is yours.”

  After Aaron stops talking, he and David wait patiently for me to make my decision. Everything he says makes sense. He’s the first therapist I’ve ever gone to that has. I’m beyond scared of the idea of looking behind that door in my mind, but I’m terrified of living with the threat of what’s behind it even more. Looking at David, I know I’m in a safe place. I won’t have to do this alone. They’ll all help, and maybe I can finally have a life that makes me happy to get up in the morning every day. I have that here in this house with David, Simon and Charlie. I want it every day. And if this is the way to get it, there’s only one choice for me.

  “Okay.”

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Sitting here thinking about what it is I want to tell you about me, I realize I’m over thinking it again.

  I do that a lot. So I’ll keep it short, if you don’t mind. I have been many people in my life. Both good and bad, like most humans on earth. I have family I will probably never see again, unless someone remembers me when planning a funeral. I was adopted, so it’s not like they were really my family to begin with. Not all adoptions turn out so good.

  I have been blessed with two living children, now teenagers (God Help me!) and one sweet baby waiting for me on the other side. I got rid of the no good husband, but I was blessed with a Mother-in-Law who is more a mother to me than the woman who adopted me. And I would not be here today if it weren’t for Mamma and my kids. I would have given up a long time ago without them.

  Then there are the friends I’ve made in the last year. I thought I knew what friendship was and turned my nose up at it. I didn’t want to go through that again. It just wasn’t worth it… or so I thought. These beautiful, bright and loving women turned my life around, s
upporting me in my quest to finish writing this book. I’d only ever heard I was too stupid to write anything other than grocery lists. They helped me silence the voices in my head telling me I could never do it. Helped me prove those voices wrong.

  I have lived and I have wanted to die. I have fought with everything in me, and both won and lost. I have picked myself up after an atom bomb has destroyed my life, and I have soldiered on. I am not better and I am not worse than the next person. I’m human just like you!