Graveyard Uprisings

by Jason Paul Rice

  She rolled her eyes. “Those are hobbits. And his name was Gandalf. Hmm, let’s try this. Have you heard of King Arthur?”

  Mike closed his right eye and concentrated. “I thought it was a queen that was in charge of England right now. Real old, too. She die or somethin’?”

  Alayna shook her head slowly, and her long braids slithered back and forth. “I was hoping you were just making colorful use of the vernacular. I’m having my lawyer file a labor complaint as soon as I get back home. I made one request. No stupid people. Too much to ask, it should seem.”

  She stopped ranting and apologetically peered into Mike’s blue eyes. “Sorry about that.”

  Mike hit the burning roach and spoke as smoke poured from his mouth. “Sorry ‘bout what?”

  The dwarf looked up to the sky as the sunlight faded. “Well screw me sideways.”

  “Screw me,” Mike said and laughed, which sounded more like grunting.

  Alayna pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes. “So they gave me Beavis or Butthead, huh? I am also going to have my lawyer file a motion for retroactive time and a half. This is clearly going to be an overtime job.” She removed her hand and opened her eyes. “Okay, let’s start from scratch. Do you know what a wizard is?”

  Mike nodded. “I seen ‘em in movies, like I said. Shootin’ lightning outta their hands and putting crazy magic spells on people.”

  A glow of relief came over Alayna’s high cheek bones. “Good. Progress of any sort is good right now. Wizards are not exactly like that, but close. You are the descendant of a really famous wizard named Merlin. Some people come from long lines of proud wizard families. You do not. You come from a long line of fake wizards…but there is a silver lining.”

  The joint went out on its own, and Mike flicked it away as she continued, “Your female ancestor, quite the vixen apparently, seduced Merlin, the greatest wizard of them all. Through long convoluted research, we found out that you are the end of a long line. Since most of your ancestors didn’t carry on Merlin’s legacy, his magical bloodline was nearly forgotten. It matters not. You have prime wizard blood circulating through your system. The strongest wizard blood. It merely needs to be awakened.”

  Mike laughed until his eyes reddened. Through a lazy smile, he said, “This must be some good shit, too, ‘cause I still see you.”

  She thumbed her chin and stopped as if a thought hit her. “By chance, have you an extremely intelligent neighbor? Maybe I’m at the wrong address.”

  A dopey look clung to Mike’s face. “Probably. What about all those other wizards out there? Why don’t you go get them? I’m a walking corpse, lady.”

  Mike turned and walked away. He could hear a clomping sound from behind as Alayna tracked after him in her black high heels. It didn’t make sense in the soft soil. She squeaked, “All of the other wizards have died. Dark spirits abound. Searching to erase every benevolent wizard in America. You are one of the last hopes out there. What do you say?”

  Mike spit a white foamy wad from his dry mouth onto the pink flower of an Appalachian azalea. “I say you should stop wasting your time.”

  Alayna tapped her pointer finger against her temple. “What can I do to prove this? How will he believe me?” She chased after Mike, who went deeper into the woods.

  She said, “I know what I can do. How can I relate this to you? Ooohhh, do you know who Bruce Lee is?”

  “Aint he that crazy kung fu guy? I think I seen a few of his movies.”

  Alayna tossed her head from side to side. “He wasn’t crazy, and although Kung Fu is technically right, he studied what was called Wing Chun. He crafted the principles from that practice into what he called Jun Fan Gung Fu. That basically translates to Bruce Lee’s kung fu, so you are correct.”

  Mike looked down at the woman, his mind twisting in knots, trying to figure out if his eyes were playing tricks on him. “I know I just got blazed, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Alayna used her golden fingernails to chase some dirt from the waist of her dress. “Sorry, I’m a bit of a know-it-all at times. Back on track now. Have you heard of the Bruce Lee one-inch punch?”

  “No.”

  She smiled. “That’s all right. Basically, Bruce Lee knew that a lot of fighting could be extremely close-quartered, so he developed techniques to be effective in these scenarios. For our purposes here, we will call it the fingertip punch. Mine are shorter than yours, so you should have an advantage.”

  Mike turned to walk away again when a shrill call resonated in his ears. “Stop.”

  It was only one word, and Mike never listened to anyone. He went to continue on his way, but instead, his body involuntarily made a one-eighty turn and faced the smiling dwarf.

  Alayna walked up and leaned against the trunk of a big oak tree. “I wasn’t finished with my spiel, and my time isn’t cheap, so you should appreciate these lessons. A fingertip punch works like this.” She held her fingers straight out and placed them against the rough bark of the tree. “Imagine the tree is my target, and I can’t wind up. I have to punch from only a fingertip distance away. I make a fist.” She curled her bruised knuckles into a ball. “I can only strike from this distance away. And I have small fingers.”

  Mike asked, “Why in the hell would you do that?”

  She shook her head. “As I said, it is to be used in close fighting and whatever other situations might warrant the use. This technique proves that power doesn’t have to derive from brute strength. It can come from your mind. Do you want to try it out?”

  “You going to leave me alone if I do? Whatever. I don’t got anywhere to go right now.”

  She chirped at him. “You first.”

  “You want me to hit a little girl?”

  The smirk on her lips curled in the other direction. “Don’t worry, I’ve been smacked by savage beasts much bigger than you. I’m not a little girl either. I am nine hundred and ninety-nine years old. Now hit me, you little bitch.”

  Mike laughed and shook his head. “Is that like twenty-nine for most women? Have you turned nine-hundred and ninety-nine, like, forty or fifty times?”

  Alayna shook her head and flipped him off with both hands.

  Mike shrugged his shoulders. “If you really want me to.”

  “Oh, I insist.” The faerie pointed to her shoulder, and Mike leaned down and placed his hand near the target.

  He gave her a final chance to call it off, but she didn’t, so Mike closed his fist and rammed it into her upper arm. He jolted her upper body with the punch, but her heels remained dug firmly into the earth’s soil, and her feet didn’t budge.

  Mike immediately felt bad about hitting a tiny woman. “Sorry, but you asked for it.”

  Alayna mockingly brushed off her lace flower-decorated shoulder. “The bugs must be biting today. My turn. My turn.”

  She closed her eyes and opened her mouth. Mike felt a gentle breeze as a cloud of green smoke rushed from the open aperture. Alayna put her hands on her hips and raised her head. Her nostrils widened like an angry bull’s and the emerald fog suddenly started to flow in reverse.

  She reclaimed the magic gas through her nose, shook her head and opened her eyes, looking refreshed. Mike started to back away as she approached him.

  She pestered him, “Where are you going? You aren’t afraid of little ole me, are you, big boy?”

  Mike stopped. He wasn’t afraid of her. He was terrified. This had to be a figment of his imagination. Still, he kneeled and pulled up the short sleeve on his shirt, exposing his corded bicep and the bulging blue veins tracing around his upper arm and shoulder.

  Mike waited for his love tap but the woman was staring at him adoringly. “You gonna do this?”

  She flickered her eyelids. “I’m sorry. I feel like I just got lost in a portal or something. I’ve traveled back in history many times, and you remind me of a great warrior. The rippling muscles, haunting blue eyes and short blond hair. His hair wasn’t always long, the
way some of the books like to claim. And he definitely didn’t have dark hair. Most of the movies get it wrong.”

  “And who in the hell is that?”

  She instantly replied, “Lancelot.” A flash of electricity ran through her eyes, but it deadened when Mike returned a dopey stare.

  She shook her head. “I forgot that you are not exactly scholarly. Rest assured it’s a great compliment. All right, you ready?”

  She moved in closer, laid her silky fingertips against Mike’s triceps and moved up to his shoulder. Four tiny golden fingernails disappeared into her palm.

  Quick as lightning, her tiny fist sprang into motion, ending with a harsh thud against the big man’s solid flesh. Mike toppled over on the ground as sharp, jagged pains centered in his shoulder and ran down his arm. He used his other arm to recover his sunglasses from the ground.

  “You wicked bitch. What the hell was that?” he yelled.

  She held her index finger over her lips and whispered, “Magic and mind-power, my dear. And I quite like that nickname. Don’t get it twisted, Mike. You can be much more powerful than me.”

  Mike stood up and shot her a dirty look before jogging away.

  She screamed, “Stop.”

  Again, Mike didn’t want to, but he turned around involuntarily and walked up to Alayna. Perhaps he yearned for structure or discipline. Hell, Mike would take any parental-type figure just giving a lick about him. However, he still didn’t think that this lady was real, although that punch had most certainly felt real.

  Sudden anger rushed through his body. He thought he must be dying. This had to be some lucid dream before he was judged and sent to hell. The confused young man locked eyes with this magnetic woman.

  “Uh oh. You look mad. I’ll give you a chance to wind up and hit me. It’s only fair. Go ahead.”

  Mike watched in awe as a glow equal to the gold of sunshine washed over the dwarf like a waterfall. She retained her pearly white complexion as the yellow gleam faded. He rubbed his eyelids harder this time but the strange image remained standing a few feet away.

  “I would never hit a woman,” Mike promised and turned to leave. He immediately spun back around and threw a haymaker at the dwarf’s shoulder. His fist, forearm and shoulder passed through the target as if the woman was a hologram or projection. His momentum caused him to a plant his face in the dirt. Alayna chuckled like Scooby Doo.

  Mike scrambled to his knees.

  She informed him, “I can teach you all of this. What say you now?”

  Mike started to walk away, paused for a second and turned around. He glared at her mousy nose and mouth, and could picture whiskers on her cheeks. He slapped his cheek, assuming he was hallucinating. “You want to know what I say. I say you should take your midget ass outta here before you get mistaken for an animal and get shot. Hell, you could get eaten by one of the bigger animals round here.”

  Her blond brows lowered, face flushed, and anger latched to her face. “I’m a faerie, asshole. I can help you with the cancer despite you acting like a fool right now. Don’t be stupid. Oh, look who I’m talking to. Come on, I thought you didn’t have anywhere to go. He’s going to kill you if you don’t take my help.”

  “Who’s gonna kill me?”

  She tilted her head to the side. “George.”

  Now he was convinced this was only a figment of his imagination. The weed always carried a calming effect, but the herbal remedy couldn’t prevent Mike from getting riled up. He wanted to keep the secret about his cancer diagnosis just that, a secret. He flipped her off with his right hand and turned his back for the last time.

  Mike broke into a sprint, and before too long, the heavy sounds of following footsteps ceased. He pulled his phone from his hip pocket and called Kyle. No answer.

  This link for Book 3 will go live when the book is available on Amazon (expected release date: January 22, 2018)- https://readerlinks.com/l/60705