After the End

by Natasha Preston

  The thought alone has heat pooling south.

  This is a bad idea. I can’t be turned on by him.

  Why bloody him?

  My stupid body wants what it can’t have. Maybe I’m stuck as a sad teenager, unable to control my hormones. This isn’t a case of I shouldn’t want the bad boy. This is me who shouldn’t want the boy who got in the accident that killed my brother.

  What is wrong with me?

  My stomach twists in a big knot a sailor would be proud of.

  Stop. Thinking. This weekend is about fun.

  Can I not even let myself have a couple of days?

  “What’s going on in your head?” Linc asks. “I can see you overthinking.”

  I sit back. “Nope. You know what? I’m not thinking. Guys, let’s go in now and get set up for strip poker.”

  “Hell yeah!” Jack cheers while Hanna looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, and she’s proud of it.

  I think I lost my mind a while ago though.

  Linc’s eyes watch me as I wrap a towel around my body and head inside to change. I don’t know what he’s thinking because that’s near impossible with his poker face, but I don’t care right now.

  I want to drink beer and slowly get naked.

  It’s a good idea, right?

  Sounds fab to me right now.

  In my room, I dry off and put on a pair of jeans, a tank top and a T-shirt. Thank God I didn’t just bring dresses, or my part in this game might be over super quick.

  When I get out, Jack, Ian, and Linc are around the table with drinks and a pack of cards.

  Mel walks out of her room. “Sure you’re okay with this, Tills?”

  “Yep,” I reply instantly. “Let’s go play.”

  If I gave myself longer than two seconds to think about this, I would probably chicken out, so that’s why I’m ploughing ahead. I walk into the main room and sit down next to Linc. There is space beside me for Hanna. I’m glad Jack left a place for her near me because, although I’ve seen a naked man before, I don’t really want to see my friends’ boyfriends in their birthday suits. Hanna, Mel, and I have all seen each other naked already.

  And let’s just not think about Lincoln Reid at all right now.

  I bet there are a lot of women who would be hating me. Linc was very popular with the girls back in the day; everyone wanted his attention. He hated it since he didn’t like many people at all. Hazard of the face, I guess.

  “So,” I say, leaning my elbows on the table, “how the hell do we play this?”

  “I’ll talk you through it as we play,” Linc replies. “I can’t believe you don’t know how to play poker. I would have bet money on you knowing.”

  I shrug. “My dad offered to teach me years ago, but he was impatient, and I got bored. All I know is, you keep a straight face, which shouldn’t be hard for you, and pretend like you’re doing better than what you are.”

  So, if all you need to win is to pretend, I should win easily.

  Linc laughs humourlessly. “For that, I’m going to make sure you’re down to your underwear in the first hand.”

  “Like that hasn’t been the plan all along.”

  I don’t want that to be the plan.

  I kind of do.

  34

  Linc

  Getting Tilly down to her underwear has been my plan for four long years.

  So, let’s see how this goes.

  Would I rather see her semi-naked in private? Yes. But will I take what I can get? Yes.

  Jack deals the first hand of cards, and I scoop mine toward me. Tilly picks hers up as if you’re supposed to show the world.

  “Don’t let anyone see your cards,” I tell her.

  She presses the cards into her chest and frowns. “Did you see my cards?”

  “No,” I tell her even though I know she has a two and an ace.

  “I don’t believe you, but I’m still going to beat you,” she replies, straightening her back.

  I love her confidence, especially given that she has never played before and is at risk of being naked soon.

  Jack explains the rules as we go, and Tilly has a frown the whole time. I know that she understands how to play. She just has an awful poker face. Her hand isn’t good.

  That works for me.

  She growls and tosses her cards into the middle of the table.

  “What’s it to be, Tilly?” I ask. Top, please.

  Her amber eyes narrow, and she tugs a t-shirt over her head. She has a grey tank top underneath.

  “You layered up?” I ask.

  “Of course I did. I’ve never played this before!”

  “What happened to you kicking my arse?” I tease.

  She folds her arms. “I still will, but I needed to level the playing field somehow.”

  “You mean, cheat?”

  “I don’t recall Jack mentioning anything about layering being against the rules.”

  Damn, she’s got me there.

  I turn back to the game and try to concentrate. I want to go back outside and take a walk with her. Or get back in the hot tub, just the two of us. She’s happy though. She’s smiling the way she was at Legoland. Hanna is a genius.

  But how long can we spend in the past?

  Jack deals the next game and the next and the next.

  “How do people play this for hours?” Tilly asks, fanning her cards out.

  She’s lost two socks. The next time she loses, it has to be her jeans or tank top.

  “It’s rare that the same person loses over and over and over,” I reply, smirking at her.

  Jack has removed his T-shirt, and Mel and Ian have each lost one sock. Hanna and I are the only ones still fully clothed.

  She opens her mouth to say something witty, but she can’t. Sighing, she mutters, “Fine. I can admit that this isn’t my game.”

  “But are you going to give up before you’re naked?”

  She tilts her head in my direction, and her eyes search mine. “Well, wouldn’t you like to see me naked now?”

  Seeing her naked? Absolutely. Seeing her naked in front of my friends? Not so much.

  I want to be able to get naked with her in privacy, so I can do what I’m desperate to do and explore every inch of her skin.

  I seal my mouth shut because there’s no way I need to speak my mind right now.

  “Tills, you’re worse than me!” Mel says, smiling sympathetically.

  “Yeah, yeah, Tilly sucks.” She rolls her eyes. “How about we play something else?”

  We put our cards down, and she groans.

  “Oh, unlucky!” Jack teases. “What’s it to be now?”

  Hanna slaps the back of his head.

  “Ah, what the hell? Obviously, I’m not going to look!”

  Tilly grins, and then her face falls as she realises that she’s going to have to reveal her underwear. Unless she has any more layers under there.

  She grips the bottom of her tank top and tugs it over her head. My chest caves. She does not have any other layers. A very crisp white lacy bra begs to be removed.

  My mouth dries out in a heartbeat, and all my blood pumps straight to my dick. Her skin is perfect, smooth, and lightly tanned. Her chest. God, I’m trying not to look directly at it in case my corneas burn. But the swell of her breasts is making me lose my fucking mind.

  I swallow a mouthful of sand.

  Fuck. Okay, concentrate on the game.

  Jack deals another hand, and all I can think about is the woman beside me—soft, petite, smelling like fucking home—and her flashing more of her skin than I could have hoped.

  Why is this different to the hot tub where I saw her in a bikini?

  It’s the underwear. So much more intimate than swimwear, and it would look so much better on my floor.

  “Linc, you’re up,” Ian prompts. The smirk on his face is undeniable.

  I keep my eyes down. And I focus on the game, something that Tilly has just made near impossible.

  We play a cou
ple of more rounds, and somehow, I manage to not bomb completely. Hanna loses a sock, and Jack loses a T-shirt.

  Tilly slumps back in her seat, throwing a particularly crap hand down on the table. “I hate this stupid game.”

  I love this stupid game.

  “Jeans, Tilly,” I sing.

  Her hand comes out of nowhere, slapping me on the arm.

  “Whoa. Violent.”

  “Why haven’t you lost anything yet?”

  Jack scoffs. “He’s undefeated.”

  “I find it a bit disturbing that you guys used to play strip poker,” Hanna says, turning her nose up.

  “Babe, we played normal poker. I have no desire to spend my weekend with half-naked men.”

  Tilly stands up and unbuttons her jeans. She’s right beside me, taking off her fucking jeans! I grip my cards tight in my hands.

  Do not touch her.

  She shimmies the jeans down and steps out of them. Jesus, her underwear is matching. The air in the cabin thins.

  “Another game?” Jack asks.

  “I am not taking off my underwear, so I fold!” Tilly replies, raising her hands.

  That’s okay with me. I will have the image of her in white lace for the rest of my life.

  She tugs her socks, jeans, tank top, and t-shirt on and sits back down. I only had a few short minutes of seeing her in her underwear, but the image will remain in my mind forever.

  The rest of us have only lost one or two items of clothing. Tilly is awful at poker, so we play a few more games until Hanna and Mel both get bored. Jack, Ian, and I have no desire to watch each other slowly get naked, so we end the game.

  Mel takes Ian back to the hot tub. She purses her lips and pushes out her boobs, so there is no way I’m going out there with them. I’m also not getting back in that tub until the water has been changed.

  Jack turns his nose up, but he doesn’t protest despite it being his family’s.

  “Jack, let’s join them,” Hanna says, tugging on his arm.

  “No way. You know what they’re going to do, right?”

  “All the more reason to stop them! I want to use that tub tomorrow. Come on.”

  If I didn’t know better, I would think that she’s trying to leave Tilly and me alone. Jack’s girl always has an ulterior motive.

  I sit on the sofa, and Tilly joins me with her beer.

  “Do you ever feel like drinking?” she asks me with the neck of the bottle to her full lips.

  Every time I look at you.

  “Sure.”

  “Robbie wouldn’t have cared if you drank. You do know that, right?”

  “Tilly, I appreciate what you’re doing, but I’ve not given up alcohol because I think Robbie wouldn’t have approved of me drinking.”

  “Okay, I get it. I just wanted to double check that you don’t think he would be angry with you.” She takes a breath. “You don’t have anything to feel guilty for.”

  Fucking hell.

  “Tilly,” I whisper.

  “No, hear me out. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why you didn’t see that Stanley was over the limit. I’ve been angry for four years, and it’s cost me those four years. I don’t blame you for any part of my brother’s death.”

  Here she is, telling me the one thing I’ve wanted to hear for so long, and all I can do is stare at her like she’s grown another head.

  I shake my head, trying to get my brain to engage.

  Tilly laughs. “I know you’re not a talker, but you’re not often rendered speechless.”

  “You don’t blame me?”

  “No, I don’t. You should work on not blaming yourself, too.”

  “I’ll try,” I tell her.

  Her eyes narrow. “You’re only saying that to humour me.”

  “Ah, I’m not such a closed book right now, huh?”

  “Nope. I’m learning to read you, Linc.”

  “Yeah? How are you finding the book?”

  Her cheeks flush pink, and she dips her eyes.

  “It’s X-rated?”

  “Oh my God!” Her head snaps up. “It is not X-rated.”

  “I don’t believe you. Admit it; you want me to take my top off. Your eyes look the same as they did when I got in the hot tub earlier.”

  “Do they?” she mutters, shaking her head with the faintest smile. “You have a nice chest, but I cannot comment on whether your book would be X-rated.”

  “Ah, I see. You need a frame of reference. No one reviews without trying first.”

  She puts her beer down on the coffee table. “Are you offering me sex right now?”

  “Doesn’t have to be right now.”

  Her head tilts back as she laughs. Manoeuvring, she tucks her legs underneath her and angles her body toward mine, facing me straight on.

  I twist, throwing my arm over the back of the sofa.

  “Wow, I’m allowed to choose when we have sex. Thank you!”

  Laughing at her retort, I shrug. “I’m nothing if not a gentleman, Tilly.”

  “I have to admit that I’m becoming much fonder of this side of you.”

  “Are you?”

  She nods, her cheeks flushing again. “You’ve never been flirty. Granted, I’ve never seen you on nights out, chatting up women.”

  That’s what I’m trying to do now. Though much more carefully since I’m not just looking for a shag here.

  “You want to see that?”

  Her eyes cloud. “Not particularly. You should chat up women if you want though.”

  What?

  Sighing, she gets up, and I watch her retreat to her bedroom with my mouth hanging open.

  What the fuck just happened? Where did that come from?

  Tilly spends the rest of the weekend flirting and then stopping herself. And I don’t push anything because she has to go through this battle with herself. One minute, she’s happy with me, and then the next, she’s frosty. I don’t mind. It’s all part of her coming to terms with how she feels and accepting it.

  Our time will come.

  35

  Tilly

  It’s official. I’m certifiable. That’s the only explanation for my yo-yo behaviour. I can’t settle on one emotion for longer than five seconds before another one takes over. What makes sense one moment seems mindless in the next.

  I would make an appointment with my therapist, Jennifer, but I don’t want to discuss Linc with anyone. Not in depth anyway. I don’t know what I’ll find there, what I’ll admit I’m willing to give up to be with him.

  Not my parents. Never them. But, when he’s with me, my mind short-circuits, and I don’t care what anyone thinks or how hard it would undoubtedly get for both of our families if we gave this a go.

  What would that even look like? We spend Christmas mornings with our respective families and then meet up in the afternoon? That wouldn’t work long-term.

  No part of me and him would work long-term, and we have to accept that.

  God, I was such a twat during what should have been an amazing weekend, turning cold the way I did after the poker game. I don’t want him to chat up other women, but I should. But yeah, I really don’t. See, Hanna’s little plan is working, but too much has changed.

  I’ve tried staying away from him, and that doesn’t work out. All we do is go around in circles because neither one of us is really ready to walk away from the other. We had the best and easiest friendship, but what we’re doing now isn’t trying to get back to that. We’re trying to make our circle shape fit into a heart shape hole of a relationship.

  It’s eleven in the morning, the day after getting home from the cabin, and I’m still in bed. I don’t have to work today, and I’m going to make the most of that by moping around for as long as I can get away with. Mum and Dad won’t be home until this evening, so I have ages.

  Linc is only meters away in his parents’ old house. After the weekend, he probably got up at the crack of dawn to continue work and get the hell out of here.

  At t
he beach, he said he would fight for us, but does he still think it’s worth it?

  I wouldn’t blame him if he ran, and honestly, that’s what should happen. One of us needs to be gone, so we can both move on. If there isn’t an option to spend time together, then maybe we can get past whatever has been happening between us, and I can go back to not feeling like I’m drowning in guilt every time I look at my parents.

  The craziest part, on my behalf, is that I know he would walk away right now if I told him that was what I truly wanted.

  I could end this now and maybe save us a whole world of hurt.

  But can I do that?

  Can I fuck?

  Maybe I like the pain? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything else as strongly as pain.

  Paging my therapist!

  Sighing, I throw my arm over my eyes and groan at the knowledge of my ever-sliding sanity. Linc is so perfect, so perfect for me, that I can’t get over the suck factor here. I’m not being fair to him.

  The shrill ring of my phone on my bedside table has my teeth grinding. Who is interrupting my moping day? I just need some time where I don’t see or speak to anyone. I need to try to get my head on straight.

  What I really need is to have a very big conversation with my parents and then Linc. But that is just about the last thing I want. It’s up there with having a lobotomy and listening to my dad’s horrific rendition of Bon Jovi’s “Always.”

  I grab the phone and slide to answer.

  “So, the weekend turned into a bit of a car crash. What happened?” Hanna asks. No greeting.

  “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  “Well, too bad. I do, and you need to. Everything was going so well. We were all getting on all weekend, so much flirting, and then you turned into the Ice Queen. As far as I can remember, Linc didn’t insult you.”

  “No, he didn’t insult me.”

  He just made me fall for him and want a future with him, which is much worse.

  “Then, what, Tilly? You’ve always been the chill one. You say what you mean, and everyone knows where they stand with you. I envy that. I don’t understand what’s changed. You said you didn’t blame Linc for Robbie’s death, but was that a lie?”

  “I didn’t lie about that. I don’t blame him anymore, and I have forgiven him. But things between us are getting a little more … involved.” I know Linc isn’t to blame for Robbie’s death.