by Amanda Cowen
“Listen, I’ve known Cash for years. Hell, I would consider him one of my best friends, but like every other person who comes into his life, I know very little about him. But what I do know is that if Cash has even for a second given you a tiny glimpse into his life outside of the rink, then you’re already different than any other girl or person in his life. And after hearing the pain in his voice last night before you guys showed up - He said his whole life he felt broken until he met you. He’s never been with a girl longer than a one-night stand, yet Lyndsey told me he asked you to move to Santa Anna with him. It doesn’t excuse the booze and drugs and especially not that girl…But believe me, guys are stupid. He loves you.”
I roll my eyes. Louis has a unique way of evaluating how love really works. “If he loved me, he would have supported me from the start.”
“Agreed, but we’re talking about Cash Brooks. Imagine how he must have felt knowing he was going to lose the only girl he’s ever loved. He’s lost so much already. God, if I ever lost your sister… I don’t know what I’d do.”
“Thanks, Louis, but I’ve made my decision. And right now, I need to be with me. I have to be without him. For me.”
“Quinn, please. You really need to talk to him before you go anywhere.”
“I want to. I really do. But I can’t handle it. One look at him and I’ll be questioning everything.”
Louis lets out a defeated sigh. “He’s going to freak when he finds out you’re gone. He’ll blow his contract. I’m worried, Quinn.”
“Whether he wants to accept it or not, we’re better off apart right now. I need a fresh start. I’m moving forward.”
“Neither of you can move forward unless you get proper closure.”
The word closure causes my insides to twist. Deep down, in the selfish part of my core, I am avoiding proper closure because I don’t want to let him go, but I know I have to.
“Are you sure this is really what you want?”
“Yes, Louis,” I hiss through my teeth, feeling him frown at me with skepticism. “And once I pull myself together and get dressed, I’m going to the arena to break the news to Theo.”
The sound of Lyndsey’s footsteps pattering down the hallway followed by pipes whining out the pressure of a shower ends all conversation. Louis gives me one last pained look and then pulls open my bedroom door. “You need to talk to him.”
“Let me get this straight. You’re leaving for Boston tonight?” Theo taps his pen on the edge of his desk with a scowl on his face.
“Yes. My semester starts at the end of this month and I want to be properly settled in. I hope you can understand.” I slide my formal letter of resignation across his desk. “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and the opportunity this internship has given me.”
His brow furrows. “Does your father know about this sudden departure?”
“Not yet, but he will.”
He doesn’t ask for any more details. Instead he nods and rises to his feet. “I wish you the best of luck in your studies, Quinn. I really do hope Harvard is the real reason you are leaving on such short notice.”
I startle at his comment, my heart racing. I stand there frozen as he slowly opens the top drawer on his desk. He pulls out a copy of the Men’s Health magazine flips it opens and slides it across his desk. Peeking up at me with a knowing look, he motions to the full page spread. “Because it would be a shame if I found out you’d been lying to me and the league this entire time.”
The atmosphere in the room begins to shift quickly, the anger on my face saying more than my words ever could. I notice that he is still staring at me. It takes all the willpower I have not to slap him.
“And I think you’ve just crossed the line,” I finally breathe out.
He flips the magazine shut. “Are you sure you’re not moving to Santa Anna?”
“Like I said Theo, thank you for the opportunity. Goodbye.” I nod and walk out of his office and close the door behind me.
It’s been about an hour since I left Theo’s office, and my annoyance bolstered by my steady intake of determination, is my driving force to break the news to my father. We’ve ordered every appetizer on the menu and are now sharing a bottle of wine with his latest thirty-something-year- old girlfriend. I have tried desperately not to rush into telling him about my resignation from the Bruisers and sudden departure. It isn’t until the second bottle of wine is ordered and our appetizers are cleared away that I take a deep breath.
“I’m leaving for Boston tonight,” I say, and explain that I’ve already handed in my resignation to Theo.
He begins to frown at me, “Quinn, my dear, you only had three more weeks of your internship left. I didn’t raise you a quitter.”
“I’m not a quitter, Dad.”
He raises his eyebrows at me and then looks over at his date. “Amber, will you excuse us for a moment. I’d like to speak with my daughter in private.”
She nods and puts her napkin down on her plate before pushing away from the table and heads in the direction of the ladies’ room. I look across the table at my father. He has an angry, steady frown and takes a long sip of his drink.
“What’s really going on, Quinn? What did I do to make you want to leave?”
“This has nothing to do with you.”
He blows air out in a sigh and then tilts his head to the side and locks his eyes with mine. “If it isn’t me, then what is it?”
My heart is beating at a frantic pace, my skin laced with goose bumps, and all because I want to tell my father the truth about Cash, but I know that the less he knows the better.
“Dad, you have to trust me.”
“You know trust isn’t my strongest suit. Your mother made sure of that.” He stares anxiously at me from across the table, his hands tented in front of him. “Is this because of her? Was it too hard for you to be back in Bexley? When you decided to move back, I gave you the choice to live with me in Santa Anna.”
I shake my head. “No, dad. The internship was a great opportunity, but I’m ready to move on and shift my focus. Sports marketing was never what I aspired to do anyway. You have to trust I am doing the right thing.”
“I don’t like how you’re leaving out of nowhere," he replies. “It feels like a whim.”
I frown. "Can't you let me go without guilt?"
He leans forward, his tented hands against his chest. "I can appreciate your drive to keep your focus on your academic future. But I’ll be honest, Quinn, I am not happy about your resignation."
I shrug. "I am excited about Harvard. I am ready to be on my own again. I don't want to waste any more time here in Bexley."
He contemplates my words for a moment. "In my opinion there is no reason you can’t finish your last three weeks of your internship. But if you truly think this is what’s best, I suppose I trust your judgment.”
He sounds relieved, and I realize I’ve been holding my breath. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Is father-daughter time over now?” I look up to see his date standing behind him with a forced grin.
“It is.” I push my chair back and rise to my feet. “I should probably get going. I have to finish packing.”
“Have you even secured a place to live?” He rises to his feet and gives me a stern look. “You haven’t given me any details about where you will be staying.”
“I will find a place to live once I get there. I have a hotel room booked for the next few nights while I figure everything out,” I reply and take a step forward and give him a hug. He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “I love you, Dad.”
“Call me as soon as you get there. I can have my assistant arrange a place for you to stay close to campus.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I want to figure things out on my own.”
“Like father like daughter.” He lets out a soft laugh and then looks into my eyes. “It’s our independence that gives us strength. It’s an Ashby family trait.”
He kisses
me one last time on the forehead before we say our final goodbyes. I walk out of the restaurant ready to start anew.
I spend the rest of the day packing and trying my best to push all thoughts of Cash from my mind. It isn’t until Louis and Lyndsey return from their dinner plans, that he tosses my luggage into the trunk of his car.
“You’re really doing this?” Lyndsey asks, her hands on her hips.
I force a cheerful smile on my face as I walk around the back end of Louis’s car. “Yes, I am really doing this.”
With a scowl she yanks open the passenger door and slides onto the seat. I take a deep breath and flop onto the backseat, and sink into it. I hate that I am leaving her like this.
“Did you talk to him?” Louis asks. He puts the key in the ignition, meeting my eyes in the rear view mirror.
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Has he called?”
I shrug. “I wouldn’t know. I turned my phone off this morning.”
“Don’t you dare talk to him,” Lyndsey orders, glaring at Louis as he merges onto the freeway. “I’m pissed at you for leaving me sooner than expected, but you’re doing the right thing. Cash fucked up big time.”
Louis shakes his head. “Well, I think you are making a huge mistake.”
“Stay out of it,” Lyndsey turns up the radio.
The rest of our ride is silent, except for Lyndsey humming every pop tune. Once we get to the airport, Louis pulls into the drop-off area for departures and puts his car in park. Lyndsey and I hug for what feels like hours on the sidewalk, as he pulls my luggage out of his trunk.
“I’m going to miss you,” she mumbles into my hair, tightening her arms around my neck. “I loved having you back home. The condo is going to feel so empty now that you’re gone.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” I say, pushing her back a fraction.
“I’ll come and visit you soon.” She looks up at me with wet eyes. “And Louis will come too.”
I look over at Louis as he passes me my luggage. “You know it’s not too late to call him…”
“Goodbye, Louis,” I say, annoyed. I grab my belongings from his hands. “Thanks for the ride.”
Lyndsey gives me one final hug. “Have a safe flight. Call me once you get there. Love you, Quinny.”
“Love you too, Lynds.”
After I check-in for my flight, I sit in a coffee shop sipping on a latte as I wait to head through security. I pull out my laptop and start surfing Craigslist ads to try and secure an apartment close to Harvard, when two piercing blue eyes crash into mine from across the room. Cash’s brow creases momentarily and he starts to walk toward me.
Once I open my mouth, my voice is chillingly cruel. “What are you doing here, Cash?”
“What am I doing here? What are you doing here?” His brow creases, with a genuine look of shock and confusion on his face.
Tears well up in my eyes and disappointment pricks at my skin when the realization hits me that he’s not even here to stop me. I slam my laptop shut, throw my purse over my shoulder and head straight for security.
“Quinn!” he shouts, but I ignore him and run, weaving my way through people coming and going.
I don’t dare look back as he calls out my name. My nerves feel shot.
The second I cross over through the automatic sliding doors, I hear Cash shout. “Quinn, please. Will you just fucking wait?”
I spin around to face him. “What are you doing here?”
His lack of oxygen doesn’t go unnoticed, but I suppose running like a maniac through an airport would do that to a person. The sweat running on his jaw line is distracting and the way is hair is a wild mess only makes my heart beat quicker, but I am determined to stay mad.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m on the next flight to Boston.”
All the blood drains from his face and he shakes his head. “No, you can’t go. Please. I tried calling you a million times. I was just at your place, but no one answered the door. There is so much I need to say. Things you need to hear. I know I fucked up, but I can’t stand the thought of last night being the last time I see you.”
I shake my head. “I can’t stand here and listen to what you have to say. It won’t do either of us any good by making this harder.”
He grabs my wrist, his eyes pleading. “I want you back.”
No. He is not seriously saying this to me this right now.
“I know the way I reacted when you told me about Harvard was a jackass move. And what you saw last night is unforgivable. Forgive me. Let me prove to you that I’m yours.”
“No, Cash.” I shake my head, letting the tears fall.
“Yes, Quinn. I’m yours.”
My heart splinters into a thousand pieces. Of all the lies he’s ever told me, telling me I’m yours is the worst, because in order to be fully committed to someone you have to give them all of you. He hasn’t given me anything other than what he’s thought I’ve wanted him to be, and the way his brows pull together and he steps closer, eyes anxious and searching, tells me he has no idea how much he has hurt me.
“We were a bad idea from the start. I’m doing us a favor. I was asking too much of you too soon. And right now you are asking way too much of me.”
I push past him, knocking him in the chest with my shoulder and rush down the hallway. Cash catches up to me and grabs my arm, spinning me around to face him. “You were right about leaving me, okay. I was being self-centered and chauvinistic. But there are things that you don’t understand either. Things I can never expect you to understand.” His eyes are full of tears and several trickle down his face. “I wanted to let you in, so many times I wanted to tell you everything, but I couldn’t because I was scared of losing you. I thought if you moved with me to Santa Anna, we could have a fresh start. I could finally break free from the ties of my past and it would never come back to hurt you.”
I let out a shaky sigh. “I wanted you to let me in when it mattered. It doesn’t matter now.”
“You need to understand something about me, about my past.” He breathes out, but I look away from his pained eyes, my gut twisting with a million mixed emotions. In my silence, he pulls me down a side hallway and into a secluded area.
Tears streak down my face as I stare up at him. “After last night, I understand enough. The booze, the drugs, it’s too much. It’s too much of a reminder of my mother and her struggle. And nothing you ever say will fix us. This is my education. The one thing that I’ve worked hard at my entire life. Think about what you’re asking me to consider after everything that happened. Before I walked into your building last night, I honestly thought we still had a chance, but after seeing that side of you, I don’t know what I want anymore.”
A low buzzing sound stops all conversation. He pulls his phone out from the front pocket of his jeans and winces when he looks down at the screen. He quickly clicks off the call, and then looks up at me.
“Do you need to answer that?” I ask, annoyed.
He doesn’t answer for what seems like forever and my heart starts to race. His head slowly rises and his eyes are wet with tears. “I’m sorry for what you saw. I’m sorry for my actions. I’m sorry for everything.”
He takes a step toward me and I hold up both of my hands to hold him back. I start taking deep breaths. My lips tremble. I need him to go. Anymore of this and I will be on the next flight to Santa Anna with him.
“But I will never be sorry for loving you.”
“Stop,” I warn him, taking another step back. I can’t hear this.
He grabs my wrist and his blue eyes burn into mine. “You need to hear me out. No one in my life has ever dared challenged me the way you do. You work hard. You are honest and smart. Fuck, you are the sincerest and understanding person I have ever known. After I lost my brother and mother, I wasn’t used to anyone giving a shit about me. But you do. You love me. You don’t love the idea of me like every other person that comes in and out of my l
ife. You don’t want anything from me, except the same love and respect in return. And it kills me that I’ve hurt you. I know I’ve been guarded, but I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I was a coward and too fucking scared to let you in and tell you the truth about who I am and what I’ve done because I was terrified of losing you. You have to give me a second chance. I’m in love with you, Quinn.”
I cover my ears and close my eyes. “No! I don’t want to hear anymore! I can’t listen to this. Just go, Cash. Leave. It’s over. I am leaving for Harvard, right now. There is no us anymore. When you decided to bring a puck bunny into your house and snort and drink yourself numb, you made your choice.”
“I didn’t have sex with her. I was already half in the bag when she texted me and I texted her back. Next thing I knew she was at my door. And then you showed up. You have to believe me. Please, Quinn.” His voice breaks and I lift my eyes to see his wet with tears.
“Stop!” I warn him. Why is he making this so hard?
“You can’t leave like this. You need to hear me out.” He reaches forward, his fingers grazing the inside of my palm and I am unable to move.
I sniff and shake my head, pulling my hand free from his touch. “I can’t. I’ve already made up my mind.”
His phone buzzes again and without even looking down at the screen he turns it off.
“I get that you are angry. You have every right to be angry at me, but I’m still yours. Do you hear me? You are mine and I am yours. That will never change. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing.”
“Last night changes everything. It shouldn’t have to hurt this bad, Cash.”
“I’m in love with you. I have never loved anyone or anything the way I love you.”
A dozen thoughts flit through my mind as I watch him drop to his knees and look up at me with wounded eyes.
“I love you too, Cash. That’s why I need to let you go.”
He drops his head into my hands and whispers. “But I don't need you to love me, Quinn. I need you to not give up on me.”
I shrug to prevent my voice from breaking. “You think you’re ready for this, but you’re not.”
