Dirty Laundry

by Lauren Landish

“Well, I’m in my office, so this isn’t private . . . but tell me, how’d it go?”

  I plug my phone into the charging dock in my dash and slip my Bluetooth earpiece in as I fire up my car. “First off, I can’t believe I didn’t listen to anyone.”

  Derrick

  “I can’t believe you’re the type to settle for anyone,” I reply, relaxing back in my office chair. It’s late. Almost nobody is around the studio right now. It’s one of the benefits of satellite radio, I guess. You can run a lot more shows pre-recorded. “So he fessed up?”

  “He gave me the most ridiculous line of shit ever,” Kat says, her breathy voice causing a stir in my pants. What the fuck is wrong with me? “He said that he did it because she was willing to pimp his line of supplements on her Instagram page.”

  “You’re shitting me,” I say, rolling my eyes. “What a stupid asshole.”

  “You’re right there. Honestly, I waited a week to call because I wanted to get a clear head.”

  “I can understand that. So he fed you a line of bullshit, and you chucked his ass out on the street. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

  “Not quite,” Kat says. “I went to his apartment to give him the news. No waiting around.”

  “Good for you,” I tell her. “So, that’s it? I mean, I like it, but sounds a bit easy, don’t you think?”

  “Well, he did try to puff his chest out and tell me no man would ever treat me like he did or satisfy me like him. I took a little delight in telling him that I sure as hell hoped not since he’s a cheater whom I had to fake it with because he’d never even made me . . .” Kat says with spunkiness before stopping herself short. “Uhm, I mean—”

  “Wait, seriously?” I ask in a sputtering laugh. “Is that true? You weren’t just busting his balls? Damn, Kat . . . for how long?”

  “It’s okay,” she says, seemingly comfortable talking to me. “My best friend told me to get a dog or a new rabbit. Or both. She’s probably right.”

  “A rabbit?” I ask, my brain half-buzzed from her voice. Fuck me, I need to get laid.

  “Well, um, not a bunny rabbit,” she replies, her voice becoming even a little breathier. “You know . . . a rabbit.”

  She makes a buzzing sound, and all of a sudden, it hits me. She’s making me seem like an amateur. I talk about sex for a living. I shouldn’t be caught off guard like this. Trying to maintain at least a veneer of professionalism, I clear my throat. “Yeah, I can see where that’d come in handy. Take matters into your own hands, so to speak. I’ve done that myself more than a few times.”

  What I just said sinks in for both of us, and the tension between us can be felt even over the phone lines. If I could see her right now, I’d swear we’d just crossed a line. And I’d probably see how far I could push to make a move.

  Kat can feel it too. “So, uh, yeah, anyway. That was probably an overshare on my part. Sorry about that.”

  Fuck it. I don’t know why I’m doing this, but I’m just gonna go for it. Her sweet voice is doing something magically delicious to me, something about her intriguing me in a way I haven’t felt in a long while. Time to jump in the pool and see if she’s willing to swim with me. I look around the studio, not seeing Susannah. “Not an overshare at all. I’m just in the middle of picturing you with your new pet bunny, what you would look like spread wide open with your tits pearled up, pussy pulsing around a little toy that can’t fill it, and what you’d sound like when you come.”

  I know my voice has gotten deeper, lust making it even rougher than my usual smooth radio sound, but I can’t stop it. I adjust myself in my jeans, glad she can’t see the effect she’s having on me right now.

  There’s a slight hitch in her voice as she adjusts to what I just said. “Derrick, wow. I don’t know what to say to that. Fuck.”

  She’s all but whispering by the end of her sentence and I wonder if she’s touching herself to let out some tension. I don’t even know what she looks like, but I don’t care. I want to see her just like I said, maybe in a little skirt that’s hiked up so she can show me as I inhale her scent. “You don’t have to say anything unless you want me to stop.”

  I pause, hoping she doesn’t say stop because I damn sure don’t want to. I barely know this woman, this voice coming through my phone, but she’s got me rock hard and on the edge with barely a word. I reach down and undo the button on my jeans, giving myself at least a little room to breathe.

  “I think I need to—”

  I interrupt, hoping to give her what she wants and needing my own release as well. “What do you need, Kitty Kat? I’ll give it to you.”

  Kat pauses, and I can feel her trembling on the edge before she lets out another deep breath, half moan, half sigh of regret. “I think I need to go. I’m sorry. This is all new to me and I wasn’t expecting this tonight. And . . . well, I’m driving. Gotta stay safe. Good night, Derrick.”

  Before I can say a single thing to stop her, she hangs up. Damn it, Derrick! You pushed her too far, too fast. I literally just did a show about listening, not going beyond your partner’s limits, and I just blasted past Kat’s, lost in my own desire.

  My brain is yelling at me, disappointed that she hung up, but my cock is still at full attention, begging for release. I let the image of Kat take over my mind, not even knowing what she actually looks like, but imagining her pink pussy dripping as she rubs a vibrator across her clit.

  I reach into my briefs, taking my cock out and grabbing it in one fist, then stroke up and down my shaft, giving me instant relief as I groan. To hell with it. As hot as I am, this will be fast, so the odds of anyone catching me are slim. And if they do, well, they’re in for a sight because I can’t stop.

  I imagine Kat holding the vibe to herself as she slips two fingers into her pussy, thrusting them in and out in time to my own strokes, her eyes hooded with lust and watching my every breath.

  In my head, I talk to her, telling her to fuck herself with her fingers. To show me how much she wishes it were my cock filling her tight pussy, how she wants to squeeze and milk me until I fill her up with so much cum that it spills out of her, too much for her little cunt to hold.

  The combination of memories of her voice and my own mind filling the gaps and imagining dirty talking to Kat sends me over the edge. I explode, my come coating my hand as I jerk, getting every last shudder from the orgasm as I picture Kat screaming my name as she’s lost in her own pleasure.

  I glance around my office again, seeing the box of tissues on the corner of my desk. I grab a handful, glad there’s something to help clean up this particular spill . . . and damn glad nobody’s around to see the mess I’ve made.

  Kat

  “Yo, Kat!”

  “You already spent that new bonus check?”

  I huff, wishing I got a bonus check, but I play along anyway. I give a wave to Harry and Larry, two of my co-workers. “You’ll see when the pizzas come in at lunch!” I joke back.

  Harry rubs his Monday shirt, a stretched and faded Pizza The Hut custom job he got off the Internet. “Just remember, no sausage!”

  “That’s not what I’ve heard,” I tease, and Harry snorts. He claims to be a ladies-man love machine, but I have more than a sneaking suspicion that’s all talk and some serious next-level self-aggrandizing. He’s a good guy, though, and he doesn’t take anything too seriously.

  “Yeah, well, hope you’ve got another doozy cooked up,” Larry says. “My latest game’s gonna have me taking your shine soon enough.”

  I laugh and head to my cubicle. I’ve finally gotten it exactly the way I want, with triple screens that allow me to code, visualize, and debug all at the same time.

  I immediately pull up my next project, an ambitious attempt at totally integrating calendars, social media, and office apps that could turn the whole damn system on its head.

  I need to focus because the coding on this is going to be tricky. Integrating all these systems is easy. Doing it without turning someone’s smartphone into a
brick that works at the speed of a turtle? That’s tricky.

  As I work, I know I should be focusing on code. Every line has to be correct and every phrase has to be perfect. I can’t have any mistakes or any clogs. But instead, my mind keeps wandering back to my phone conversation with Derrick.

  The conversation had been nice until it got a little too heated. I mean, he had me half moaning even before he said what he did. I can’t believe I just bailed like that.

  Sure, I know I was a total coward, but I truly wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t know what to say. Especially since all of my blood was rushing to my neglected pussy, making me squirm around in my seat and tempting me to pull over right then to take matters into my own hands once again. I was this close to telling him exactly what I needed.

  Face it, Kat, you wanted to, my mind tells me. In fact, you wanted him to be there, his silky voice telling you what to do, talking you through every action as his eyes watched you with rapt attention.

  Shaking my head, I try to get back to work, putting in hour after hour of work and making little progress. Coding is a lot like speaking a foreign language. For some people, those folks who get paid big bucks, they can translate on the fly, able to listen in one language and talk in another almost instantaneously.

  Others, like me, might be just as fluent in both languages but can’t operate in both at the same time. So for me, coding means I have to put my brain in ‘code mode’ to really get in the groove.

  Just as my left-hand monitor flashes me a signal that it’s noon and time for lunch, my phone rings. It’s my sister Jessie, who’s learned to never, ever call me during my work hours unless someone important is dying.

  Jessie’s always been like a second mom to me. Eight years older, we never really had that period when she was a teen where she thought taking care of her little sister was a pain in the ass. Instead, she looked out for me, making sure I got my schoolwork done and never letting me veer too far off the path into crazy.

  She’s not some stick in the mud though. Actually, the first time I ever got drunk was with Jessie, and we both have had plenty of good laughs along the way. With hair two shades darker than mine and another three inches on me, she’s beautiful and a stellar wife and mom, all the while holding down a full-time job as a risk management specialist for an insurance company.

  She’s truly Super Woman and everything I want to be when I grow up, whenever that’ll be. With my new promotion, I’m at least halfway there, the professional success coming more readily than the personal. “What’s up in the land of vehicle recall calculations?” I ask her. “Got anything that’ll blow up in my face?”

  “Very funny,” Jess says with a laugh. “Actually, I called to say congrats on work and your promotion. Good job, Sis. I knew you could do it. Acing it at work, and on the home front too? How’s Kevin?”

  I wonder for a split second if she can read my mind, the professional-personal discrepancy coming out of her mouth just a beat after it crossed my mind. I can tell she doesn’t care but feels like she should ask.

  “What about Kevin?” I ask, trying to not sound snippy. Hell, maybe I should listen to her more because she was spot-on with him and has been right before about boyfriends too. “There is no more Kevin.”

  “What do you mean?” she asks, and I tell her about our breakup, leaving out the issues with our sex life and focusing on his cheating and my not putting up with it.

  When I finish, Jess gives me a little cheer. “Good for you, girl. You’re beautiful and smart, and there’s no reason you should have to put up with any man who can’t see that.”

  “Well, I don’t want to be a downer, but not everyone finds a fairytale Prince Charming who loves you like Liam does you. Gonna be honest here. He’s the only thing giving me hope that such a man exists in the real world, because all the ones I run into are cheaters, liars, and users looking for a booty call and nothing else.”

  Jess knows my experience with men so she gives me a pass. “He’s out there,” she tells me reassuringly. “You’ll find him soon. Probably when you least expect it.”

  Unbidden, my mind jumps to Derrick and how that was so unexpected. But I don’t even know him. Not really, just his radio persona, although he did seem genuine and real when he was listening to my drama about breaking up with Kevin.

  Of course, he seems to have a bad boy side too. Good guys don’t start talking about how they want to watch me toy my pussy on a second conversation unless they’ve got at least a decent naughty streak running through them.

  There’s a part of me that wants to get my own bad girl vibe going . . . kind of. I mean, I want to, but my wild child streak is sadly narrow, but maybe I could learn a few things from Derrick.

  “Yeah, well,” I finally say, not wanting to go down that particular rabbit hole at the moment, pun intended, “either way, I’m single now.”

  “Sexy and single,” Jess replies. “Whatcha gonna do with all that ass inside them jeans?”

  “I’m wearing a skirt today, actually,” I retort. “But I do need to get some lunch.”

  “I gotcha,” Jess says, letting it drop. “Listen, don’t let any of those cretins you work with have a heart attack because your beautiful ass goes walking by, okay? And if anyone tries to grab anything, you break their wrist with one hand and slap a sexual harassment lawsuit on them with the other.”

  “I will,” I promise her, smiling. “See you later, Jess.”

  “Will do. Call me tonight. We can catch up on Mom,” Jess says. “Love ya, Kat.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  Getting home tonight, I can’t help it. I find myself listening to Derrick’s radio show.

  “Good evening, listeners, your Love Whisperer Derrick King here, and tonight, our topic is something that seems mysterious to most men. Some men say it doesn’t even exist.”

  “The stupid bastards,” Susannah says with an exaggeratedly venomous tone of disdain, making me chuckle.

  “I wouldn’t say stupid, just . . . uneducated and in need of some enlightenment,” Derrick purrs, making the muscles on the insides of my thighs tremble. Oh, what this man could educate me on.

  “So tonight, our topic is The Female Orgasm. We’re going to start off with an email. This is from . . . H. H writes that she and her girlfriend have sex often, but she is frustrated that her girlfriend can only climax from a dildo or a strap-on. H feels like that’s off limits. What can she do?”

  I lift an eyebrow. Derrick’s chosen a doozy to start the night. “Sounds like someone needs some dick,” I murmur to myself before my body whispers back that yes, it does need some dick.

  “H,” Derrick says, his voice sure and slightly stern, making my mouth go dry, “first, penetration has nothing to do with sexual orientation. What your girlfriend needs is what she needs. There’s nothing wrong with her body saying that’s what it likes best. It has nothing to do with how she feels about you as a person or her attraction to you. I’m just going to be straight with you. What your email tells me is that you might need to deal with your own insecurities. Talk to your girlfriend. I’m sure you two will be just fine.”

  I’m hanging on to his every word, and I idly wonder if perhaps my confession to him last week inspired this topic.

  “Susannah’s got us another caller, Z. Z, go ahead.”

  “Yeah, D, listen . . . I’m trying my best with my lady, but it seems like no matter what I do, she just doesn’t get there. Like, we have sex and stuff, and she says she enjoys it, but she rarely has an orgasm. It’s messing with my head and I really want to please her.”

  In his velvety voice, Derrick tells the caller to take his time and he’s gotta build up to the main event with foreplay, not just dive in and pound her and think that’ll do it.

  “It starts in the mind, talking to her and telling her how sexy she is, what you want to do to her,” he purrs. I can’t take it anymore. I can feel my nipples tightening in my t-shirt and I cup my left breast, imagining Derrick telling
me this face-to-face.

  “Cup her face in your hands and kiss her gently at first, then devour her. Move down her neck, maybe tease a little nibble to see if she’s into that, and lick along her collarbone. Make it down to her breasts which by now should be full and heavy,” he says, and I echo him, massaging both of my breasts. It feels so good I have to sit down on my couch, leaning back and my legs spreading slowly.

  “Tease her nipples, palm them and circle your hands, cradle her breasts and lick the nipples until they tighten up, then suck them deeply. If she liked the neck nibbles, maybe light bites or easy pinches here too. Your mileage may vary with that because everyone is different. Make your way down her body, layering kisses with licks and sucks along the way.”

  “Fuck,” I moan, my eyes rolling up as my pussy quivers in anticipation. I let my left hand slide down, cupping myself through my shorts, the heat making me gasp at the first touch. The whole world swims away and all I can hear is Derrick’s sexy growling.

  “Compliment her pussy and let your hot breath warm her as you let the anticipation build. Then lick her with a flat tongue from slit to clit several times before focusing on her clit for circles. I’ve heard writing the alphabet with your tongue can be good, and when you find a letter that makes her moan, do that one over and over, but if that’s too much, just trace patterns and rhythms. Flat tongue, pointed tongue, fast, slow to see what she responds to best. The answer’s easy really, just pay attention to her. Take your time. Take as much time as you need to help her get into it. You’ll be able to tell. She’s not gonna be shy about it and you’ll know. She’ll open up like a flower.”

  I can’t take this anymore. I slide a hand inside my panties, rubbing at my lips and wishing it were Derrick. I bet he’s got strong fingers that could leave me dripping with desire and a tongue that could write poetry on my clit.

  “Eventually,” Derrick continues, “slip a finger inside slowly and pull it out, teasing her opening and stretching her. Hell, who knows, maybe two or three fingers or more. Like I said, just pay attention. Curl them toward her front wall to slide across her G-spot if you can find hers.”