Years of Summer: Lily's Story

by Bethanie Armstrong

  That actually made total sense to me, but it wouldn’t have to anyone else. “So I am the determining factor to that question?”

  “Lily, you always have been.” He gave me his great smile and I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “So by allowing you to worry about me, where does that put you?”

  “In a constant state of stress, but I’ll take it just to know you’re okay.”

  “Dave I don’t want to be the cause of that for you. I don’t want to cause anything for you.” Tears started coming up, welling in my eyes. Sunshine was immediately there.

  I sat down in the floor next to her and wrapped my arms around her and just cried into her fur. My reaction was way overboard, but I remembered that horrible image of Dave that came into my mind just before Christmas that scared him bad enough that he thought something had happened to me. The thought that came with it was, “I don’t want to kill him too”, that is the cause I was thinking about. It really confused him. He came and sat in the floor with me.

  He smoothed my hair back. “Lily, I was just joking. Sweetie, you don’t cause me stress all the time. I like being with you and I thought we had fun together, and there are mostly good things about us, as far as I can tell. What has you so upset?”

  I hesitated. Then I told him. “I don’t want . . . to cause anything . . . to happen to you.”

  “Oh . . . I see. Come sit with me and let’s talk.”

  He pulled me back to the couch. “Sunshine, take care of Lily.” She jumped up on the couch and laid herself across my lap. I stroked her fur while Dave talked.

  “Lily . . . do you have any idea how many times that has gone through my head over the past several years and especially since last summer. I wondered if I caused everything to happen, if I’m like a bad luck charm. The more I thought about that, though, the more I realized how ridiculous that was. I’ve had more good luck on my side than I realized, well actually it’s not luck, it’s more like providence. You made me realize that the day at the Botanical Gardens. You were the first one I had ever told that too, I never told Brianna because I didn’t feel like I should, but I felt like I should tell you, then you gave me the answers I had been looking for. The more I thought about that the more I realized how true that was. I could have easily been in that truck with Jace, just as easily as you could have. I could have been in that car with my friends that night, but there were other things that were planned for me. You want to know something else strange.”

  I looked up at him from Sunshine’s fur that had a wet spot in it where my tears were dripping. He gently wiped them away. I loved the way it felt when he touched me. He was so caring. I leaned my face into his hand and then gave him my attention. “Lily, I almost didn’t come to UM. I had planned to go to Tuscaloosa. Jace talked me into coming to UM.”

  “What?”

  “Jace talked me into coming to UM, for whatever reason. I think I know the reason now.”

  “Dave, I have a confession to make.”

  “What could you possibly have to confess?”

  “Do you remember back in December, when I was in my room and I screamed and you thought something had happened to me?”

  “Yeah, I thought you had thought about Jace in some horrible way.”

  “Well, not exactly. I had Jace on my mind, but right along with you.”

  “What about me, Lil?”

  “I started thinking about, if the situation had been reversed, would Jace have done the things you have done for me; and when I thought that this horrible . . .” I started crying. The floodgate opened. “. . . Image . . . of you . . .” I couldn’t say dead or I would have screamed again because I felt it coming. “. . . You were gone . . . and you were just lying there . . . in that horrible box.”

  I went hysterical and Sunshine actually didn’t know what to do. I just kept repeating, screaming, “You were gone, you were gone. Oh my God you were gone.” I grabbed hold of Dave’s shirt with both of my hands. “Please don’t do that to me. Please don’t do that to me.” Then I just sat there and screamed and tried to muffle it with my hands. Screams and tears were all I could produce at that moment. Dave grabbed hold of my arms and pulled me in to his chest and wrapped his strong arms around me.

  “Lily, baby, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. Please calm down.”

  I was still going hysterical. Dave held me tighter. “Lily I’m here, I’m here! Honey, I’m here! Bring yourself out of it. It’s not real. I’m here. What you’re seeing is not real.” I had my eyes squeezed shut trying to will my mind to stop the horrible image and it wouldn’t stop. I felt like I was being pulled away from something. “Lily, open your eyes and see me!”

  When he yelled, it scared me, enough to bring myself out of my mind. My eyes popped open and I looked at him as my breathing sounded like someone who had just run a marathon. His voice was questioning. “Lily, do you see me? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I started touching his face, because I didn’t believe it. It was like I was living a nightmare and didn’t know what was real. I looked in his eyes and they looked as red as mine felt. Then I fell into him and just cried. He just held me and kissed my forehead, like I was a baby, as I soaked his shirt with my tears.

  I must have cried myself to sleep, as I sat there with him, because the next thing I knew I was waking up on my bed, with a quilt thrown over me and Sunshine pressed as close to me as she could possibly get. I had my arm draped over her like she was a big teddy bear. I looked in the corner of my room and saw Dave sitting in the rocking chair. He was watching me. He walked over to me and brushed my hair out of my face as he sat on the side of my bed.

  “Hey, Lily girl. Are you better?”

  “It was bad wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah, it was pretty bad.”

  “Dave you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, I understand.”

  “Well your parents already invited me for dinner and I accepted, so it would be rude for me to just leave.”

  “Do they know what happened?”

  “I told them what happened, not all the details, but enough for them to know that you had a problem after you came home.”

  “I guess you think I’m insane, don’t you?”

  “No, I don’t think that, I know you’re still healing and it’s not the memories anymore, it’s the after effects of a trauma like you’ve been through. You begin thinking everything you care about is going to be taken away from you. It’s hard to determine the difference between reality and dreams sometimes. The good thing about it is it will get better.”

  I sat up. “When? I feel like everything is going to slip through my fingers.”

  I started crying again. He pulled me too him and held me and just let me. “Lil, the only thing I can do is tell you I’m not going anywhere. I know that doesn’t help right now, but that’s all I can do. I wish I could take this away from you, I wish I could do a million other things for you.”

  “Dave, just don’t give up on me, please.”

  “Lily, I’ve never given up on you, nor do I plan to. You mean too much too me to do that.”

  “You‘re going to get tired of picking up the pieces.”

  “How about you let me decide whether I do or not, okay? Don’t make the decision for me. If you’re in this for the long run, then so am I.”

  Again I had to ask. “Dave, why do you keep coming back?”

  “Lily, why do I have to keep answering that question? You already know the answer to that question and until you can answer it for me I won’t answer it again.”

  “But, Dave, I don’t understand. I’m not who you used to know. I’m broken. I may never be right again.”

  “You’re right, you‘re not the Lily I used to know, because the Lily I used to know was in love with Jace, and I was her best friend. Can you honestly tell me that I’m still just your best friend, because I can’t honestly tell you that."

  He seemed to almost say something, but decided against it. />
  "Lily, I told you I’d let that be your decision, and I will stand by that as long as you’ll keep me around, because I may be presumptuous, but I don’t think you can honestly tell me that I’m just your best friend. Before you make that decision, however, I want you to be honest with yourself and decide whether the feeling is the result of me being your rescuer or me being something more. I’ll keep coming around until you tell me otherwise. I want you to be happy and I will do whatever it takes to get you there, no matter what.”

  Translated, 'I want you to be happy no matter what it costs me.' But as he said, he wanted me to be honest with myself about why he was whatever he was to me. I had something to think about and when he threw that in my lap it really made me think. So, that night after he left I started a journal, but it was more of letters I wrote to myself. I started back with the day Dave stopped Chance from hurting me, because in order to determine my future I had to come to grips with my past and it was hard because I had to allow all of those feelings to re-surface and if I didn’t I could never honestly answer Dave’s question.

  I wrote the letters in my journal according to what feelings I felt on specific days I remembered. I had found a brand new composition notebook that was in my desk and that became my Journal. I entitled it Letters to My Future, By: Lily Grace Aldridge. I would write the date of when I wrote it and the date when it actually happened, sometimes specifically, some generally (month and year). Some were long, some were short, but every one of them was very therapeutic. The first one I wrote:

  January 16, 1993 on January of 1991

  Dear Lily,

  Something happened today that hurt you. You were scared and you couldn’t get away. Chance showed his true self today. You knew he was capable of it and that is why you held on for so long, because you were afraid. You know you should’ve broken it off the first time he had ever hit you, and if your parents ever found out about it you know they would both probably be in jail right now. That’s why you never told them. Dave saved your life and you know that, you and he both know what would’ve possibly happened had he not walked in when he did.

  What do you think made him move in with Jace? He has probably heard more about what Chance did to you than you realize. Chance liked to brag about things like that. Do you believe that the only reason Dave hung out with you so much was because he was only trying to protect you. You don’t believe that for a minute and you have always known what gave Dave the defeated look that day in your dorm room. He knew he had lost his chance again to be what he really wanted to be to you. You know there has always been something about him, but you could never put your finger on it. You know how you feel when you’re with him. Why do you keep pushing it to the back of your mind? Don’t push it to the back of your mind anymore. Allow it to come forward. You know you’ll be happy. Do you have your answer yet?

  Love, Lily

  The next letter I wrote was the way things were that day Chance left my life for good. I started realizing things as I wrote these letters to myself.

  January 20, 1993 on March of 1991

  Dear Lily,

  Chance took himself out of your life. I know you were happy, but I also know you were glad that you had the chance to take back the fact that you said you wanted him to die. Jace and Dave were both there. They both comforted you, they truly cared about you. You mentioned exactly how you wanted your life to be someday in the future. Do you remember what you said? You said you wanted a normal life with a normal husband and normal kids and the three bedroom house with the white picket fence and a dog in the backyard, preferably a golden retriever. Who remembered those things even a year and a half later? You know the answer to that. Dave did and do you remember what he said to you on your birthday back in October? He said he couldn’t get you the house so he opted for the golden retriever in the backyard. Would Jace have remembered that? While you two were together did he ever mention that? You know the answer to that too. Who has always been there for you and did things because of you? You know the answer to that too. Dave did those things even before Jace passed, not because he passed. Do you have your answer yet?

  Love, Lily

  I didn’t write in my journal every night, just when memories came to me. Some of those memories caused me pain and of course Sunshine was right there with me each night I wrote in my journal. The third letter I wrote in my journal was about the time Dave came to me after Brianna broke up with him.

  January 31, 1993 on January 1992

  Dear Lily,

  Dave came to you today because Brianna broke up with him. You were mad at her, but why? You knew her plans to go to Law School. You also knew that she didn’t plan on keeping Dave. You also know that’s why you were always leery of her and Dave together. You didn’t want him to get hurt, but he did. Why did he come to you? He had his other fraternity brothers to talk to, but he chose you instead. You remember what you did? You put things nicely as to the reason Brianna broke up with him. Do you remember your words you said to him, because he turned them around on you later? Write those down right now and remember the two times you heard them. The first time you heard them you said them to Dave:

  Sometimes an amount of time we spend with someone we care about was given to us for a reason and we’re supposed to make the most of the time we’re given and 99.9% of the time it makes us a better person. It may teach us to love better or be a better friend or it just may give us a taste of what our true love will be like.

  The second time you heard them Dave was telling them to you, that day you almost took your life. I am glad you lived because you couldn’t have seen your future if you hadn’t. This is what Dave said to you: ‘Well Lily I am going to tell you something a friend of mine told me one time. Sometimes an amount of time we spend with someone we care about was given to us for a reason and we’re supposed to make the most of what time we’re given and 99.9% of the time it makes us a better person. It may teach us to love better or be a better friend or it may just give us a taste of what our true love will be like.’ What has your time with Dave felt like Lily? Can you give that up? Is he the someone you have been given an amount of time with or is he what your true love would be like? Ask yourself again; why did he come to you? Do you have your answer yet?

  Love, Lily

  I continued to write in my journal on the times I remembered things. I also slowly realized that I was losing my fear of losing him, because I realized how many times providence had put us together. That knowledge helped alleviate my fear, because I somehow knew I wasn’t going to lose him.

  The one major time it hit home was when I remembered the day I finally came out of my room (which is the only thing it is knowingly referred to as). I wrote in my journal that day I remembered. I cried as I wrote this entry, because of what I almost did to Dave.

  February 10, 1993 on October 5, 1992

  Dear Lily,

  How could you even think about doing that to yourself? Lucky for you Dave just happened by. Imagine what it would have done to him had he pulled up a little too late. Do you actually believe he happened by at just that time because of luck? No you don’t believe that for a minute. You were meant to be saved that day and Dave was the one that was meant to do it. Do you remember what happened the moment he touched you? He made you feel again and he allowed you to get rid of those horrible thoughts and feelings that had poisoned your mind. He sat with you on the ground, Lily, and let your tears pour.

  Why do you think he was the one that finally made you feel again? Do you think that was just happenstance? Do you actually believe for one minute that Dave has been there for you because he’s just a good friend? If you do then you are unbelievably naïve, he didn’t even realize what was happening until later, but he knew before you did or before you acted like you did. God saved your life through the hands of Dave for a reason. Don’t you think you ought to listen for a change? Do you have your answer yet?!

  Love, Lily

  The more I wrote down things the more things bec
ame clear. Dave was not with me just because of Jace. Dave had been with me all along because we belonged together. He was the one who saved me from Chance because he saved me for himself but he didn’t know that then and neither did I, or maybe he did. He saved my life that day in October because he was saving it so I could be with him and God made sure I was saved. Dave came into my life, not by accident, but by default, because he was meant for me all along. There was one other journal entry I wrote after I realized this and the last one that I wrote in that notebook. That notebook became something else. My last journal entry was about our time at the Botanical Gardens.

  March 11, 1993 on December 26, 1992

  Dear Lily,

  Do you remember the day after Christmas of last year? Do you remember how you greeted Dave as he came up the stairs after he had been away from you for only two days? I know you remember how it felt when he hugged you like he did. You know it wasn’t really a hug. He held you for a moment because he missed you and you did the same to him. Then you went to the Botanical Gardens. He told you of his troubled past, he had never told anyone that before. You saw how much he still hurt about it and you left your comfort zone to give him comfort, because you couldn’t stand to see how much pain that still caused him.

  You helped him that day not because you felt the need to repay him, but because you felt the need to take that away from him if you possibly could, just like he wants to do for you. Admit it; it hurt you to see him hurt like that. You want to always be there for him, whenever he needs you. What else could you call that? Do you have your answer yet?! I believe you do. Now ask yourself this one more question and I will leave you to whatever your life brings you. Can you honestly tell Dave that he is still—just your best friend?

  Love, Lily

  P.S. You love Dave, now let it happen.