Don’t get at me about how I bring up Cathy, OK?
VICTORIA
I didn’t.
LIN
Yes you did. War toys. I’ll give her a rifle for Christmas and blast Tommy’s pretty head off for a start.
VICTORIA goes back to her book.
I hate men.
VICTORIA
You have to look at it in a historical perspective in terms of learnt behaviour since the industrial revolution.
LIN
I just hate the bastards.
VICTORIA
Well it’s a point of view.
By now CATHY has come back in and started painting in many colours, without an apron. EDWARD comes in.
EDWARD
Victoria, mother’s in the park. She’s walking round all the paths very fast.
VICTORIA
By herself.
EDWARD
I told her you were here.
VICTORIA
Thanks.
EDWARD
Come on.
VICTORIA
Ten minutes talking to my mother and I have to spend two hours in a hot bath.
VICTORIA goes out.
LIN
Shit, Cathy, what about an apron. I don’t mind you having paint on your frock but if it doesn’t wash off just don’t tell me you can’t wear a frock with paint on, OK?
CATHY
OK.
LIN
You’re gay, aren’t you?
EDWARD
I beg your pardon?
LIN
I really fancy your sister. I thought you’d understand. You do but you can go on pretending you don’t, I don’t mind. That’s lovely Cathy, I like the green bit.
EDWARD
Don’t go around saying that. I might lose my job.
LIN
The last gardener was ever so straight. He used to flash at all the little girls.
EDWARD
I wish you hadn’t said that about me. It’s not true.
LIN
It’s not true and I never said it and I never thought it and I never will think it again.
EDWARD
Someone might have heard you.
LIN
Shut up about it then.
BETTY and VICTORIA come up.
BETTY
It’s quite a nasty bump.
VICTORIA
He’s not even crying.
BETTY
I think that’s very worrying. You and Edward always cried. Perhaps he’s got concussion.
VICTORIA
Of course he hasn’t Mummy.
BETTY
That other little boy was very rough. Should you speak to somebody about him?
VICTORIA
Tommy was hitting him with a spade.
BETTY
Well he’s a real little boy. And so brave not to cry. You must watch him for signs of drowsiness. And nausea. If he’s sick in the night, phone an ambulance. Well, you’re looking very well darling, a bit tired, a bit peaky. I think the fresh air agrees with Edward. He likes the open-air life because of growing up in Africa. He misses the sunshine, don’t you, darling? We’ll soon have Edward back on his feet. What fun it is here.
VICTORIA
This is Lin. And Cathy.
BETTY
Oh Cathy what a lovely painting. What is it? Well I think it’s a house on fire. I think all that red is a fire. Is that right? Or do I see legs, is it a horse? Can I have the lovely painting or is it for Mummy? Children have such imagination, it makes them so exhausting. (To LIN.) I’m sure you’re wonderful, just like Victoria. I had help with my children. One does need help. That was in Africa of course so there wasn’t the servant problem. This is my son Edward. This is –
EDWARD
Lin.
BETTY
Lin, this is Lin. Edward is doing something such fun, he’s working in the park as a gardener. He does look exactly like a gardener.
EDWARD
I am a gardener.
BETTY
He’s certainly making a stab at it. Well it will be a story to tell. I expect he will write a novel about it, or perhaps a television series. Well what a pretty child Cathy is. Victoria was a pretty child just like a little doll – you can’t be certain how they’ll grow up. I think Victoria’s very pretty but she doesn’t make the most of herself, do you darling, it’s not the fashion I’m told but there are still women who dress out of Vogue, well we hope that’s not what Martin looks for, though in many ways I wish it was, I don’t know what it is Martin looks for and nor does he I’m afraid poor Martin. Well I am rattling on. I like your skirt dear but your shoes won’t do at all. Well do they have lady gardeners, Edward, because I’m going to leave your father and I think I might need to get a job, not a gardener really of course. I haven’t got green fingers I’m afraid, everything I touch shrivels straight up. Vicky gave me a poinsettia last Christmas and the leaves all fell off on Boxing Day. Well good heavens, look what’s happened to that lovely painting.
CATHY has slowly and carefully been going over the whole sheet with black paint. She has almost finished.
LIN
What you do that for silly? It was nice.
CATHY
I like your earrings.
VICTORIA
Did you say you’re leaving Daddy?
BETTY
Do you darling? Shall I put them on you? My ears aren’t pierced, I never wanted that, they just clip on the lobe.
LIN
She’ll get paint on you, mind.
BETTY
There’s a pretty girl. It doesn’t hurt does it? Well you’ll grow up to know you have to suffer a little bit for beauty.
CATHY
Look mum I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m pretty.
LIN
Stop showing off Cathy.
VICTORIA
It’s time we went home. Tommy, time to go home. Last go then, all right.
EDWARD
Mum did I hear you right just now?
CATHY
I want my ears pierced.
BETTY
Ooh, not till you’re big.
CATHY
I know a girl got her ears pierced and she’s three. She’s got real gold.
BETTY
I don’t expect she’s English, darling. Can I give her a sweetie? I know they’re not very good for the teeth, Vicky gets terribly cross with me. What does Mummy say?
LIN
Just one, thank you very much.
CATHY
I like your beads.
BETTY
Yes they are pretty. Here you are.
It is the necklace from Act One.
CATHY
Look at me, look at me. Vicky, Vicky look at me.
LIN
You look lovely, come on now.
CATHY
And your hat, and your hat.
LIN
No, that’s enough.
BETTY
Of course she can have my hat.
CATHY
Yes, yes, hat, hat. Look look look.
LIN
That’s enough, please, stop it now. Hat off, bye-bye hat.
CATHY
Give me my hat.
LIN
Bye-bye beads.
BETTY
It’s just fun.
LIN
It’s very nice of you.
CATHY
I want my beads.
LIN
Where’s the other earring?
CATHY
I want my beads.
CATHY has the other earring in her hand. Meanwhile VICTORIA and EDWARD look for it.
EDWARD
Is it on the floor?
VICTORIA
Don’t step on it.
EDWARD
Where?
CATHY
I want my beads. I want my beads.
LIN
You’ll have a smack.
LIN gets the earring from CATHY.
I want my beads.
BETTY
Oh dear oh dear. Have you got the earring? Thank you darling.
CATHY
I want my beads, you’re horrid, I hate you, Mum, you smell.
BETTY
This is the point you see where one had help. Well it’s been lovely seeing you dears and I’ll be off again on my little walk.
VICTORIA
You’re leaving him? Really?
BETTY
Yes you hear a’right, Vicky, yes. I’m finding a little flat, that will be fun. Bye-bye Tommy, Granny’s going now. Tommy don’t hit that little girl, say goodbye to Granny.
BETTY goes.
VICTORIA
Fucking hell.
EDWARD
Puking Jesus.
LIN
That was news was it, leaving your father?
EDWARD
They’re going to want so much attention.
VICTORIA
Does everybody hate their mothers?
EDWARD
Mind you, I wouldn’t live with him.
LIN
Stop snivelling, pigface. Where’s your coat? Be quiet now and we’ll have doughnuts for tea and if you keep on we’ll have dogshit on toast.
CATHY laughs so much she lies on the floor.
VICTORIA
Tommy, you’ve had two last goes. Last last last last go.
LIN
Not that funny, come on, coat on.
EDWARD
Can I have your painting?
CATHY
What for?
EDWARD
For a friend of mine.
CATHY
What’s his name?
EDWARD
Gerry.
CATHY
How old is he?
EDWARD
Thirty-two.
CATHY
You can if you like. I don’t care. Kiou kiou kiou kiou.
CATHY goes out. EDWARD takes the painting and goes out.
LIN
Will you have sex with me?
VICTORIA
I don’t know what Martin would say. Does it count as adultery with a woman?
LIN
You’d enjoy it.
Scene Two
Spring. Swing, bench, pond nearby. EDWARD is gardening. GERRY is sitting on a bench.
EDWARD
I sometimes pretend we don’t know each other. And you’ve come to the park to eat your sandwiches and look at me.
GERRY
That would be more interesting, yes. Come and sit down.
EDWARD
If the superintendent comes I’ll be in trouble. It’s not my dinner time yet. Where were you last night? I think you owe me an explanation. We always do tell each other everything.
GERRY
Is that a rule?
EDWARD
It’s what we agreed.
GERRY
It’s a habit we’ve got into. Look, I was drunk. I woke up at four o’clock on somebody’s floor. I was sick. I hadn’t any money for a cab. I went back to sleep.
EDWARD
You could have phoned.
GERRY
There wasn’t a phone.
EDWARD
Sorry.
GERRY
There was a phone and I didn’t phone you. Leave it alone, Eddy, I’m warning you.
EDWARD
What are you going to do to me, then?
GERRY
I’m going to the pub.
EDWARD
I’ll join you in ten minutes.
GERRY
I didn’t ask you to come.
EDWARD goes. CATHY is on the swing.
CATHY
Batman and Robin
Had a batmobile.
Robin done a fart
And paralysed the wheel.
The wheel couldn’t take it,
The engine fell apart,
All because of Robin
And his supersonic fart.
CATHY goes. MARTIN, VICTORIA and BETTY walking slowly.
MARTIN
Tom!
BETTY
He’ll fall in.
VICTORIA
No he won’t.
MARTIN
Don’t go too near the edge, Tom. Throw the bread from there. The ducks can get it.
BETTY
I’ll never be able to manage. If I can’t even walk down the street by myself. Everything looks so fierce.
VICTORIA
Just watch Tommy feeding the ducks.
BETTY
He’s going to fall in. Make Martin make him move back.
VICTORIA
He’s not going to fall in.
BETTY
It’s since I left your father.
VICTORIA
Mummy, it really was the right decision.
BETTY
Everything comes at me from all directions. Martin despises me.
VICTORIA
Of course he doesn’t Mummy.
BETTY
Of course he does.
MARTIN
Throw the bread. That’s the way. The duck can get it. Quack quack quack quack quack.
BETTY
I don’t want to take pills. Lin says you can’t trust doctors.
VICTORIA
You’re not taking pills. You’re doing very well.
BETTY
But I’m so frightened.
VICTORIA
What are you frightened of?
BETTY
Victoria, you always ask that as if there was suddenly going to be an answer.
VICTORIA
Are you all right sitting there?
BETTY
Yes, yes. Go and be with Martin.
VICTORIA joins MARTIN. BETTY stays sitting on the bench.
MARTIN
You take the job, you go to Manchester. You turn it down, you stay in London. People are making decisions like this every day of the week. It needn’t be for more than a year. You get long vacations. Our relationship might well stand the strain of that, and if it doesn’t we’re better out of it. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. I’d just like to know so we can sell the house. I think we’re moving into an entirely different way of life if you go to Manchester because it won’t end there. We could keep the house as security for Tommy but he might as well get used to the fact that life nowadays is insecure. You should ask your mother what she thinks and then do the opposite. I could just take that room in Barbara’s house, and then we could babysit for each other. You think that means I want to fuck Barbara. I don’t. Well I do, but I won’t. And even if I did, what’s a fuck between friends? Who are we meant to do it with, strangers? Whatever you want to do, I’ll be delighted. If you could just let me know what it is I’m to be delighted about. Don’t cry again, Vicky, I’m not the sort of man who makes women cry.
LIN has come in and sat down with BETTY. CATHY joins them. She is wearing a pink dress and carrying a rifle.
LIN
I’ve bought her three new frocks. She won’t wear jeans to school any more because Tracy and Mandy called her a boy.
CATHY
Tracy’s got a perm.
LIN
You should have shot them.
CATHY
They’re coming to tea and we’ve got to have trifle. Not trifle you make, trifle out of a packet. And you’ve got to wear a skirt. And tights.
LIN
Tracy’s mum wears jeans.
CATHY
She does not. She wears velvet.
BETTY
Well I think you look very pretty. And if that gun has caps in it please take it a long way away.
CATHY
It’s got red caps. They’re louder.
MARTIN
Do you think you’re well enough to do this job? You don’t have to do it. No one’s going to think any the less of you if you stay here with me. There’s no point being so liberated you make yourself cry all the
time. You stay and we’ll get everything sorted out. What it is about sex, when we talk while it’s happening I get to feel it’s like a driving lesson. Left, right, a little faster, carry on, slow down –
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