Breathe

by Ani San

  Alice had called me just before I entered the plane, telling me that she just got back from Lisbon, and wanted me to meet her at Red Lion, she was dreadfully hung over, and in need of a refill.

  ‘Don’t tell me your still painting that picture. Please, it’s been ages. I need you,’ she pleaded.

  ‘I know,’ I laughed ‘but I’m sorry. I’m actually on my way on a airplane.’

  ‘What?’ she gasped. ‘Are you leaving? To Norway? Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘No, I’m not moving home. I’m just taking a trip.’

  ‘Where?’ She asked curious.

  ‘Eh… I don’t really know…’ I should have just made something up.

  ‘What do you mean, you don’t know? For how long?’

  Shit! She would love this one. ‘I’m not sure on that either.’ I started to climb the stairs, I knew Christopher was waiting impatiently inside. Alice was quite for a while. Not like her. But I could hear her breathing, so I knew the line wasn’t broken.

  ‘Sara, what’s going on? This isn’t like you.’

  ‘I know. It’s complicated. I will tell you later.’ I needed to come up with a story.

  ‘Are you going with that guy you have been messing around with these last weeks?’

  ‘Emmh.... Maybe. Look, I have to go. But I promise to call you as soon as I get back, ok?’

  ‘You better! You’re sure your ok?’

  I looked in Christopher’s eyes and smiled. ‘Yes, I’m ok. I’m very ok.’ My whole stomach had butterflies.

  ‘Well, I hope he is good for you,’ she muttered before saying goodbye and hanging up. I wasn’t sure he was good for me. But it felt good now.

  The days went by too fast. We were somewhere in the north country, in a beautiful secluded place owned by Karl Jefferson, a former businessman who had sold his business and bought a large farm that now held over 300 sheep and cattle, and two dozen horses used to round up the herd. I loved the horses. I got to have my own while we stayed here. A chestnut coloured paint horse with white spots and a gentle temper. It felt liberating sitting in the saddle racing down the hills, and feeling the sun on my face and hear nothing but the wind and hooves and the birds singing. I hadn’t realized how I had missed the nature, after staying two years in a concrete jungle. Christopher was by my side the whole time. From we got up in the late morning, to we went to bed in the early nights. We made love everywhere. Apart from the workers on the farm, there was nobody for miles. Christopher left his phone turned off in the cabin we were staying in, a small house secluded from the main house. Karl and his staff left us alone most of the time, and we only joined them when it was mealtime, or when they took care of the horses. Mrs Jefferson made us picnic baskets, so we could stay out for hours at a time. It was just him and me. I loved every second of it. I had never shared so much of my life with anyone, we talked about everything. Christopher checked his phone every night when we got back, and sometimes he stepped outside and made a call. I got a few text messages from Alice, mainly something like ‘wru?’ (where are you), ‘wrud?’ (what are you doing), or ‘who r u with?’ (who are you with). Alice was big on shortening everything when it came to text, which was weird, cause in real life she talked non stop. I tried answering her evasive, without pissing her off. I knew how she hated not to know everything. I suspected a thorough interrogation when I got back. I did not look forward to that. Alfred had called me too, but I hadn’t returned his call. He probably wanted me to move on, find a new place. I was going to, but I didn’t feel like dealing with him while I was here. My mind was only focused on Christopher. And he seemed focused on me. I was enjoying the fact that he had trouble keeping his hands of me. And I had trouble resisting him. The best part of being here; we didn’t need to restrain our self.

  We had been here about five days, and I had begun to think of it as paradise, when Karl came walking up to meet us as we came from a morning excursion. He was an old friend of Christopher. They had met when his company invested in one of Christopher’s movies, and now Christopher trusted him with his life. I had been a little reluctant in the beginning, especially when it came to Christopher and me. I didn’t feel comfortable letting others see how we felt about each other. But it only took a day before I started to relax. Karl exuded a calm and openness it was hard not to be infected by. I liked him very much, and was glad that he seemed to accept me without hesitation. Neither of us mentioned Julia. I pretended she didn’t exist. At first, I suspected he accepted me because he was used to Christopher bringing other women here. But Christopher told me I was the first. Except Julia, but she didn’t come here too often, she and Karl didn’t get along that well. Maybe that’s why I liked Karl so much. It was reason enough.

  Karl Jefferson was tall and broad shouldered, and had dark wavy hair, a crooked nose and a large moustache. I would never have pictured him for a successful businessman, cause it looked like he fit right in on this ranch. He was even wearing a flannel shirt, cowboy boots and a wide-brimmed hat. Now he came toward us with a grave look on his face. One of his boys was with him, and the boy took the reins from our horses and led them away.

  ‘Morning Chris. Sara.’ He tipped his hat towards me like a real cowboy, but he didn’t smile.

  ‘What’s up, Karl?’ Christopher said, wrapping an arm around me as we stopped in front of him.

  ‘Anna called. Some kind of emergency. I was about to get a horse and ride out to find you, she told me you needed to call her back right away.’

  I could feel Christopher tense by my side. I knew Anna wouldn’t call him unless it was something urgent. She usually left him a message so he could call her back when he had the time, she knew he didn’t keep his phone on him while we were here.

  ‘Did she say what it was about?’ he asked, dropping his arm from me.

  ‘No, just that you needed to call as soon as possible. She sounded upset.’

  We headed back to the cabin, and Christopher ran inside to get his phone. I saw Karl taking a long look at us before he headed to the main house. I knew he was as curious as I was, but he was tactful enough to leave us alone. I could hear Christopher already on the phone, and decided that I would give him some privacy too. This was probably none of my business. So I sat on the stairs and waited, letting the sun warm my face, trying not to think what I already knew. We had to leave. He had to go back. I have had the most amazing days, but I knew that phone call was the end of it. So I wasn’t surprised when he called me inside and told me to start packing. I was surprise, though, by his abruptness. He threw my things on the bed beside my suitcase at the same time he collected his own. He didn’t fold anything, and didn’t explain to me what was going on. In stead he ran around the small space and collected our clothes and things, throwing them either at the bed or in his own suitcase. I wasn’t doing it fast enough apparently, because when he had packed his own stuff, he started shoving my clothes in my bag. All the while he was on the phone arranging our journey back to London.

  ‘We leave in fifteen minutes,’ he said to me, holding the phone away for two seconds before continuing his conversation with who ever. Then he went outside, and I saw him powerwalk towards the main house, probably to let Karl know and to arrange for someone to drive us to the airport. I was still standing with a bunch off my clothes in my hand, wondering what happened that would make him behave this way. It must be bad. His family? Julia? I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to know.

  When Christopher came back five minutes later, I was waiting on the terrace with all our luggage ready.

  ‘Is that all?’ he asked and walked past me to check him self. I followed him inside.

  ‘You need to tell me what’s going on, Chris. Why did Anna call?’ I blocked the door, forcing him to face me. I heard him take a deep breath, before he placed both his hands to my face, holding them and staring into my eyes. He looked tired, all the happiness that was present earlier in the day was gone.

  ‘You know I love you.’

&nbs
p; No, I didn’t know that. He had never said that in words before. I had wished for the words, dreamed about them, but never believed I would actually hear them. It spread a warm feeling through my body. I wanted to jump up and wrap my feet around him and kiss him. But this wasn’t a time for passion. I let him continue.

  ‘I have had the time of my life here with you, and I wish we never had to leave. I told you Julia had a rough time lately. What I didn’t tell you is that her long time relationship ended while we were in Florence. She was pretty upset about it. Apparently, he had gone back to his wife, or another mistress, I don’t know. All I know is that it didn’t end well for Julia. I thought maybe her mother might help, so I convinced her to go to New York. And she seemed better, but insisted on coming home with me. I should have known she wasn’t stable by the way she treated you, but she always seems so strong. She has always been the strong one.’ He sat on the bed now, no longer in a rush. I went over and sat beside him, stroking his back and leaning my head against his shoulder.

  ‘What happened?’ I whispered.

  ‘She’s in the hospital. Apparently she took too many sleeping pills or something. They weren’t sure, and she isn’t awake yet. But Anna got her to the hospital in time, and Julia is going to be fine, thank god. But I need to get back there. Julia needs me. And Anna couldn’t do anything about the media. They saw the ambulance, of course. It’s all over the news. It’s going to be a nightmare these next weeks. I’m sorry.’ His kissed me on the top of my head, and I loved him for it.

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘Of course you need to be with her.’ I did mean it, from a human compassioned way. But I was jealous too. And worried. When would I see him again? I knew he would be followed everywhere from now on. He couldn’t run over to my place any time soon. And now that his wife was no longer involved in someone, would she claim him? Would they fall in love again? I knew I was no match, she was everything I wasn’t. But I loved him.

  A car honked, and Christopher jumped up and dragged me with him. Karl was standing by the side of a red Rangerover, and one of his workers was waiting behind the wheels. Christopher took our things while I went and reached my hand out to Karl. He didn’t take it, instead he gave me a big bear-hug.

  ‘Thank you for letting me stay here, Karl’ I said, a little embarrassed, but pleased too.

  ‘Any time, sweetheart. You are good for him, don’t ever let him forget it.’

  I smiled back but doubted it reached my eyes. I was afraid this would change everything. Christopher held the door open for me, and we both climbed in. And then we left paradise.

  The journey back was hell. The driver kept eyeing us in rear view mirror, Christopher rarely spoke to me, and was mainly on the phone with Anna, his PR agent, Julia’s family and whatever. He squeezed my hand once or twice, but ignored me most of the time. It was the same on the airplane, we didn’t get the same one as we used getting here, instead we shared one with several others, in a semiprivate airplane with seven other passengers. Christopher directed us to some back row seats, and didn’t talk to me at all under the flight, other than ‘would you like something to drink’ or ‘do you need something to read.’

  When we finally exited the plane, he asked me if I would be ok with taking a taxi home, he needed Charles to take him straight to the hospital Julia was staying at. And he asked if it was ok if I went through the security alone, because he didn’t know if any photographers where waiting. I didn’t have much choice, so I nodded and let him pass me to leave alone. I didn’t even get to ask him when he would call me, or when I would see him again. He left without as much as a goodbye.

  And then I was on my own. I only had one suitcase in additional to my bag, so I was fine with that. But I felt lonely. Before Christopher came into my life, I was used to be on my own, and handled it quite fine. Now I felt like crumbling up in a corner and never get up. When I entered the private lounge before security, I stopped and fished up my phone from my bag. Then I texted Alice and told her I was on my way back and was in need of a curl-up-and-eat-ice-cream-night, cause I thought being alone was a bad idea. Alice would be the perfect distraction. As long as I told her I didn’t want to talk about my so-called mystery-man, she would be a lifesaver.

  I had just pressed send and was putting my phone back in the bag when a security officer came towards me. The other passengers were long gone, I was the only one left in the lounge. I could see a small line behind the glass window where a pair of guys in similar clothes where standing by a gate. I was heading that way, so I wondered why this man seemed to approach me.

  ‘Excuse me, ma’am’ he stopped in front of me, blocking my way. ‘Did you come with the plane over there?’

  He pointed to the airplane I had exited. He had a notebook, which I thought was weird. I hadn’t travelled that much, but I couldn’t think of why the airport personnel would be needing a notebook.

  ‘Yes,’ I confirmed.

  ‘Do you have identification’

  ‘Certainly’ I said, and put my suitcase down so I could search through my bag. I hadn’t seen my wallet since I left London, it was probably on the bottom, and I had all kinds of useless stuff in there.

  ‘Can you tell me where you were traveling from?’ He glanced behind him, and then focused on me again. I had been flying a domestic flight, so I found his question strange. Isn’t that something they ask when you enter a new country?

  ‘I’m not sure. Somewhere close to Brampton. Carli-something,’ I answered preoccupied. I was sure we hadn’t crossed over to Scotland, but I hadn’t been paying much attention to the road signs.

  ‘And is that where you were staying?’

  ‘No, we stayed a little north of Brampton.’ I was still searching for my wallet; maybe that’s why he seemed restless. I wanted to go past him, but I didn’t know if that could get me into trouble. He made me nervous with his questioning, and I hadn’t done anything wrong. If I could only find my wallet and show him my damn ID then I could move on. I found a counter, and started to take things out.

  ‘And how long did you stay there?’

  ‘Five days.’

  His eyes followed my movements, examining the content I placed on the counter. Did he really think I would openly remove drugs or whatever this was about?

  ‘Did you enjoy it?’

  ‘Yes. It was wonderful,’ I answered and saw the line was gone behind the glass. One of the other security guys was heading our way. This was so not my day. The guy in front of me turned too, and asked the next question in a rush.

  ‘Can you tell me you name, miss.’

  ‘I’m Sara…’ I stopped in the middle of the sentence, when the other guy reached us and interrupted.

  ‘Is there a problem here?’ he said, and I read M Hudson on his nametag.

  ‘No.’ I answered, embarrassed that I managed to engage two security officer. ‘I am just having trouble finding my wallet. Hold on, I think I got it.’ I continued and held up the black wallet. But when I looked at the new guy, and then at the one who first approached me, I saw that they didn’t have the same uniform. In fact, the first one had more of a suit, and lacked the nametag I saw on Hudson. Then the first one took off without another word.

  ‘Are you ok, ma’am?’ M Hudson asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said distracted, wondering why the first one took off. ‘Here it is,’ I said and showed him my student card. I hoped he wouldn’t demand to see a passport, because that had been left behind in my nightstand back at the apartment.

  ‘That’s ok, ma’am. If you can just step outside, so we can close up this lounge,’ he replied, and barley glanced at my ID.

  I thought maybe he was leading me somewhere to search my bag or something, but as soon as we were out of the room, he pointed to the gate and left me there. All the other people were gone. Nobody approached me as I walked down the hall and found the exit and a taxi. I was still holding my wallet and was annoyed that they had held me for no good reason.

  Frank greet
ed me dearly as I walked out of the cab, and helped me carry my suitcase to the elevator. As soon as I got in my apartment, I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. I didn’t bother to unpack or make myself something to eat. I just wanted to get over with this day.

  It was eight o’clock when the doorbell rang, and Frank told me Alice was here. I had fallen asleep, and felt groggy and nauseous, and wasn’t the least bit tempted by the chocolate and strawberry ice cream she brought. I started crying as soon as I saw her, and she put the ice cream down and came over to hold me. We sat on the couch and she didn’t let go of me until I let out my last sob. It felt good, getting it all out. I knew I was being stupid. He needed time, and would call me when things settled. I couldn’t blame him for his mood on our way back, or the way he left me on the airport. It was a difficult time for him, and for Julia. I was being selfish. But I hadn’t thought that we could spend five wonderful days making love and talk and making love, and then abruptly stop. It went from amazing to cold in a matter of one sentence. Or phone call. He told me he loved me and then he left me without any notion of when we would see each other again. He left me. To go to his wife. His stupid wife who probably tried to kill her self. And I was being childish and egocentric and stupid, because I thought I had some kind of claim to him.

  Not once did Alice ask me. She just held me without a word until I was all cried out. But I could tell she was waiting for me to talk about it. Instead I asked her to tell me about Lisbon. Hearing about the trip she had taken with Kiro helped me take my mind of things. I needed to stop worrying, and give him some time, and focus on something else in the meantime. Alice and Kiro had been to a rock concert with several famous artists, and Kiro had managed to get them backstage to meet Metallica. It wasn’t my favourite band, and Alice wasn’t a big fan either, but still it was a huge opportunity. She told me about the concert, which was held outside on a big field with thousands of people camping and dancing and living life.