Slut

by Jettie Woodruff

  “How many are there?”

  “The folder has seven files inside. Sessions is how they are labeled. One through seven.”

  “I don’t know what I would do without you, Mi. Thank you. For everything.”

  “You can’t hate me if you don’t like what you see. And you’re not going to.”

  “I have to.”

  Mi nodded like she knew that would be my answer. She stayed until after lunch while Rowan and Phi hung on to every single thing she said and did. They loved her, freaky self, and I loved her for it. I had never in all the time that I had known my neighbors witnessed them talk to them like Mi did. She doted on both of them like she’d known them their entire life.

  Mi promised to send the first file by nine, using the time as a way for Paxton and I to work through our problems while the girls slept. That scared the hell out of me. She pretty much ensured me that the very first video wouldn’t be pretty. That was all I needed on top of everything else. More gasoline for the fires raging around us.

  I tried to busy myself with my girls, a new broccoli casserole, and then some research on my tablet while the girls watched Frozen—again. Paxton sat in his office behind his desk while his eyes locked with mine, or mine locked with his every so often. I was just as guilty of searching him out as he was.

  We’d just finished another eye linger when something on my tablet caught my eye. I had been looking through old newspapers from around the time of my accident when I found it. A homeless Jane Doe, admitted to the same hospital three days after my admission. The thump in my chest moved to my ears as I thought about it.

  “Where you going, Mommy?” Rowan asked as I stood.

  I placed a finger over my lips and pointed to her sleeping sister, whispering my reply. “To talk to daddy for a minute. You watch your movie and rest for a little while.”

  “Okay, I’m holding her magic stone while she sleeps.”

  A wink and smile gave her my approval.

  Paxton had just moved his chair back from a filing cabinet to his desk when I entered. I took it as an invitation and sat right on his lap, pulling one knee to my chest. “Look at this,” I said, right before I noticed the startled expression on his face. “What’s wrong?” My eyes glanced to his fingers, cautiously wrapping around my ankle and back to his eyes. His stunned eyes. What the hell?

  “Nothing. What do you want?”

  I relaxed my spine and tried like hell to hide the smirk. This was serious. No time for games. Nonetheless, I smiled. “This too intimate for you?”

  “No, shut up. What do you want?”

  Once again my spine straightened and I regained the seriousness of my new lead. “This girl was admitted to the same hospital, three days after me. I just remembered one of the nurses telling me about a girl no one claimed. She went into a nursing home, or something like that. I was mad, too mad at her for making me leave with you to care.”

  Paxton ignored the last comment and skimmed the article. “A forty-year-old homeless woman?”

  “What if she wasn’t forty? Remember how I described Izzy with Nick? She was hurt pretty bad. What if they didn’t know? Can we at least check it out?”

  Paxton stared at me while he thought about what I wanted him to understand. Turning his chair while keeping me on his lap, he opened a folder on his laptop with one finger. I watched while he opened up my hospital records, scrolling through my release instructions. His finger slid down the page and both our eyes scanned the words. “Was it that nice nurse? The one you liked so well?”

  “Yes, what are you doing?” I finally asked, wondering what my medical records had to do with anything.

  “I’m going to call her.”

  “Julie Shall?”

  His hand dropped like dead weight to his keyboard and his eyes shot to mine. “You remember her name and you let me look for it for ten minutes?”

  “You didn’t ask me,” I rebutted.

  His head titled to the side and he growled like a grizzly bear, a gravely moan deep in his throat.

  “What? You didn’t.”

  Paxton swiped his phone and dialed the hospital. I was a little surprised to see it in his contacts. I didn’t really see him calling to check on me.

  “Fifth floor, please,” he said into the phone, eyes narrowed on mine.

  My heart did that fluttering thing with the adrenaline when I realized what was about to happen. For whatever reason, I knew it was her. I felt it, call it a twin thing, but I did. Deeply. I suddenly needed a drink of water as my throat dried and I thought about the possibilities.

  “ICU step down, this is Julie.”

  I moved Paxton’s phone to the ear nearest mine, and listened to every word. He gave me an annoyed look, but didn’t stop me.

  “Oh, hey, you’re just the nurse I was about to ask for. I’m not sure if you remember me or not. This is Paxton Pierce. My wife was there back in the spring.”

  “Of course I remember you. How is Gabriella?”

  “She’s okay, but she’s found out a few things she’s trying to find answers to.”

  “Oh, I was hoping you were going to say she regained her memory.”

  “Not yet, but we’re sure her sister was with her when she wrecked. She’s been missing since the accident. Gabriella found an article where a female came in three days after her. She said you told her about a girl who went to a nursing home because nobody claimed her. We’re pretty sure she was hurt pretty bad, maybe unrecognizable.”

  My heart stopped when she paused. “I wish I had good news for you. This lady was dragged by a bus, a black woman with no memory. I’m sorry.”

  My body relaxed into Paxton’s while he thanked her and said goodbye. So much for twin intuition.

  “I’m sorry, Gabriella,” Paxton said as his arms went around my body, a loving attempt to make me feel better.

  “It’s fine. I’ll keep looking,” I replied sadly.

  “I think I have something to make you feel better.”

  “I don’t trust you.”

  Although it wasn’t meant to be funny, Paxton laughed. “Someone from the state will be here in three days for a home study.”

  I frowned and pulled away a little. “State? Why do they want to study our home?”

  “They have to make sure we’re capable of taking care of Vander. You know, make sure we can provide for him and all.”

  I stood with that, feeling the wind knocked right out of my lungs. “What do you mean?”

  He said it like we were running out for milk or something. “We’re going to get Vander.”

  I wasn’t ready to buy it just yet. “I don’t trust you,” I repeated. Again, not even trying to be funny. I didn’t understand this side of Paxton, or this tone. Paxton didn’t talk to me like he cared. Not like this. I wasn’t lying. I didn’t trust him. Not at all.

  “Gabriella, watching that video, hearing you describe your sister’s skin being peeled from her face, and the sound of your voice when you described her begging for you take care of him. I—I—

  I helped with my own words, trying to understand what he wanted me to comprehend. “You felt empathy?”

  “I always feel empathy. I felt it today when my daughter had to think about her mommy leaving her again. I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

  “Only me.”

  “I’ve never felt it for you. We didn’t click like that.”

  “I don’t even know what that means, Paxton.”

  “What if these videos disclose that you’re not really my wife, that you’re really Vander’s mom and not Rowan and Ophelia’s?”

  “It won’t.”

  “How can you be so sure? Maybe I wasn’t in love with you before because you weren’t you. Maybe that’s why you were never in love with me. Maybe you were your twin.”

  I shook my head and blinked my eyes. “Shut up. You’re making me confused. Why did you do that? Is that what you’ve been doing in here all day? Is that why you kept closing the door? So I couldn’t hear
?”

  “Yes, I didn’t want to get your hopes up in case it turned out to be a flop. It’s real, and we’re about to be the proud custodial parents of a five-year-old. What’s wrong? I thought you would find that something to hold on to.”

  I cleared my throat before trusting my voice. It helped but still cracked. “But I didn’t get to go through it with her. That sucks.”

  “That’s not my fault, Gabriella. You can’t pin that one on me. I never even knew about her.”

  “Why, Paxton?”

  “I don’t know, but I think we’re about to find out. What if I’m right? What if we learn that you’re not my wife? What then, Gabriella?”

  I let out an exasperated breath, tired of assuring him of my identity. “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

  “Mom, can I have a nana?” Ophelia called to me in a groan as her arms and legs stretched. I swear that girl dreamed about food. She always woke up hungry.

  I walked out of Paxton’s office and across the room to the girls, another few hundred questions flooding my mind. I wasn’t sure I was even up to watching the videos. I’d had enough ‘what the fucks’ for a lifetime, and I wasn’t sure I could handle any more. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to anymore. Maybe Mi was right. Maybe I should be happy with Vander and move on. Maybe, but I couldn’t, and I knew as soon as the girls were down for the night, Paxton and I would turn another page. The question being whether or not I was ready for it. If he was.

  Eight

  Our evening was a little strange, quiet with a lot of apprehension. We ate in the Florida room and then Paxton and the girls played around the pool while I cleaned up. I was honestly beginning to think I needed medication, something for the never-ending anxiety. Self-medicating with a splash of orange juice and a lot of Grey Goose helped me make it through the evening.

  I picked up the house a little while Paxton and the girls dove for their magic stones, racing to see who could do it the fastest. Paxton never won. I smiled when I heard him grunt, like he was disappointed that he lost—again. The folder on the edge of Paxton’s desk caught my eye when I reached an arm in to turn off the lamp.

  Although Paxton’s office was off limits and I knew it, I walked in, sat in his chair and opened the folder. An instant smile spread across my face when I saw him, content on a rug with roads. Van pushed a semi-truck along a woven gray path, his lips in the position of a sputter. I could almost hear the sound of an engine coming from his mouth as he played.

  My smile transformed into a frown when I read about Tilly and John Martin. Vander had been removed from the foster home, and child abuse charges were filed. Nothing I had learned went through me like that did. My body trembled with something I’d never felt in my life. More anger than I had ever felt for Paxton. A rage of fire I never knew I had burned like wildfire throughout my entire being. Every emotion that I could have felt, was felt at one time.

  “That was back in June. He’s not there now. Marsha said he was fine, that he was thriving and doing well.”

  I looked up from the God awful evidence covering his little body, to Paxton, towel around his waist, a damp body, and messy wet hair. My bottom lip quivered as I tried to hold it together, not to break down and cry. “Someone hurt him?”

  “You’re not supposed to be in here.”

  The back of my hand did little to conceal the tear sliding down my cheek. “Someone hurt him in June. I should have had him by then. I didn’t protect him. I promised Izzy that I would.”

  “You didn’t know, Gabriella.”

  “What’s the matter, Mommy?” Ophelia questioned from behind her daddy, water dripping to the hardwood from her soaked body.

  Paxton opened a hand on her chest, stopping her from coming to me. “Go get a towel. Mommy will be out in a minute.”

  “I’m okay, Phi,” I said, trying to ease her mind.

  “But you don’t hurt? You don’t have to go back to the doctor?”

  “No, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Let’s get a bath. I feel like warm pudding will make me feel better. How about you?”

  “And vanilla wafers? I told Daddy we needed them at the store, didn’t I, Dad.”

  “Yes, go get a towel.”

  Ophelia left wet feet across the floor, obeying her father reluctantly. I tried to step around him, too, but he didn’t let me pass. One arm around my waist stopped me.

  The muscles in my jaw clenched as I bit down, looking past him. “When can we get him? How long is this going to take?”

  Paxton spoke in a calm voice, for me I was sure. “I don’t know. There’s a process, but the social worker told me there shouldn’t be any problems. We’re his next of kin.”

  My angry eyes shot to his as I tried to pull out of his arm. “Don’t say it like that. Don’t say it like you know she’s dead. She’s not. I would know that. I would feel that.”

  “I’m not saying anything, Gabriella. I’m just trying to keep you from blaming yourself.”

  “Why would someone do that? How could anyone hit him? Why?” I just didn’t get it. He was five. Four at the time.

  “I don’t know. Let’s just focus on getting him back.”

  “I don’t want what Mi has anymore.”

  “Okay. What about the answers? I still want to know what happened with Lane. I need to know.”

  My attempt to step around him again was stopped by his arm tightening around waist. “And what, Paxton? Then what? What if we find out it’s all true? That I did fuck your best friend? Then what?”

  “He’s not my best friend.”

  “Oh, my God. Just let me go.” That annoyed the piss out of me. My thought process consisted of what we stood to lose over what we might gain. His went right to his macho ego.

  “I’m just wondering if I would be okay with it. You know if you’re really her, and not my wife.”

  Rather than try to get around him again, I stepped backward one step. “You want me to be her, don’t you? You’re afraid you won’t be able to forgive me if I did cheat on you, aren’t you, Paxton? Is that it? You’re hoping that I turn out to be the real Gabriella, the one who moved all the way to Michigan to live with the Walkers. That’s what you’re hoping, isn’t it?”

  “I honestly don’t know what I hope, Gabriella. I swear to God, I don’t. I mean look what you’ve dumped in my lap over the last few months. Look at all the secrets being peeled back, layer by layer. One minute you belong to me, and the next, you’re in a wreck, you have a twin, she’s missing. Or are you missing? You might have cheated on me with our neighbor, or it might have been your twin. There’s an envelope that you obviously hid down in the cottage with more Goddamn lies and secrets, yet I don’t have it in me to go get it. And now this? I’m taking in some kid that I don’t know is a good idea or not. I don’t know what this kid has been around. I’m supposed to just invite him into my home, around my girls? I mean, come on, Gabriella. How much is enough?”

  None of the words I had moving around my head for my rebuttal came out. I was so mad, so hurt, and so stupid. Paxton would never change. Paxton would always be a son of a bitch. “Yeah, right, Pax. We should just leave him there.”

  “Damn it, Gabriella. Didn’t I just spend the entire day trying to arrange to get him? I didn’t do that for me.”

  “You told me you could never love another man’s child.”

  “I told you that I could never love you either.”

  I crossed my arms as the fury eased up, and I pondered what hit me like a ton of bricks. “You’re not in love with me, Paxton.”

  “Oh, but I am, pretty girl. I can’t go ten minutes without you showing up, uninvited in my mind. This wasn’t supposed to work out like this. You were supposed to spend one night in jail, a couple in a cheap hotel, and then here. Back here where I knew I could use the girls to stop all this crazy shit, use them to keep you in your place. You weren’t supposed to go looking for strangers to help you. I wasn’t supposed to hear about the hours you spent alone with your de
ad sister next to you.”

  I lost it. I totally lost every bolt that had been loosened over the past few months. They all let loose at once and I crumbled. “Fuck you, Paxton. Fuck you! She’s not dead! I don’t need you. I don’t need anything you have. I hate you.” I hadn’t even realized that my fists were swinging until I caught his left eye. That wasn’t what stopped me. It was Rowan and Phi, crying from other side of the living room. Fuck.

  My fist wasn’t what pissed Paxton off. It was that. He turned from the girls, tightening the grip he had around my flailing wrists. “Happy?”

  I jerked away, shoving him to the side with the same look he gave me, and went to my kids. “You guys stop that. I’m sorry we scared you. Come on, let’s go take a bath.”

  “I don’t want you and daddy to fight like that,” Ophelia cried.

  “I said I was sorry. Now stop crying. You don’t see me crying when you fight with Row-row, do you? You two fight all the time. I’d be crying all day.”

  “But you cried, too. I saw you have tears,” Rowan said, determined eyes staring up.

  “You cried today when Ophelia ripped the tag off your cat.”

  “I didn’t want it off.”

  “But you got into a fight and you cried. Adults have feelings, too. We’re fine. The fights already over with. Okay?”

  They both nodded in agreement, and I changed the subject, feeling bad for letting them see that, but good that they bounced right back. Rowan thought we needed to recharge our magic stones. Mi told her that after witnessing the whole fight over the stupid tag that Rowan would have never missed had she not watched Phi tear it off. She made them stand toe to toe with the stones touching. They had to only look at each other. No words. At first they glared at each other, then they laughed, and then the both said they were sorry with hugs. They were convinced it was the magic in the rocks.

  I sat on the toilet, trying to smile and keep up with what Rowan and Phi said to me from the tub. Sometimes I had to ask what they said again, and sometimes I just laughed, pretending to hear. I couldn’t even comprehend the thoughts going on in my mind, let alone care about the first day of school. Crap, school clothes. I had to remember to take care of that.