“I want Paxton to love me like that.”
“Well, he doesn’t. Never mind. You said you watched Paxton with his wife that night. What happened after that?”
I laughed a short puffy giggle. “You know, Lane. You caught me, remember? You wanted to know what I was up to. I lied and said I didn’t know he had company, and I left.”
“And I followed you.”
“Yes, you gave me fifty dollars.”
“I swear I was just going to get a hand job and get out of there, Gabby. I didn’t plan that. Candace wasn’t there yet, I was lonely, and I, I’m sorry, Gabby.”
“It’s okay, Lane. At least it made Paxton want me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, the baby.”
“What baby?”
“My baby, Ophelia. You made her.”
“No I didn’t. That’s not my kid.”
“No, of course not. Paxton is her daddy. He loves her very much. She belongs to him, for sure.”
“Does he hurt her?”
“No way. He loves Rowan, too. Paxton is a great father.”
“But Rowan belongs to him. You don’t think Ophelia does, right? I mean she could be his.”
“I don’t think so. Rowan isn’t his either.”
“Of course she is. What do you mean?”
“She came to my house once. Tatiana. She was shocked that I had Ophelia. She asked me if she belonged to Paxton, and I got mad at her. I told her of course she was his, and she apologized. She said she was with him for eight months and they never used anything, and the first time she spent a weekend with the quarterback of some football team, she got pregnant. She just assumed she belonged to him. That’s when Paxton put the cameras in the house. He was mad at me for letting her in, for letting her near Rowan.”
“He put cameras in your house?”
“Yes, at all the entrances and my bedroom.”
“Why did he put one there?”
“So I knew he was always watching me.”
“You know you could have gotten pregnant by one of those guys from the gang. It could have been one of those.”
I laughed a sleepy laugh. “Except they were all black, and the timing was wrong. You paid to have sex with me three weeks later, and you didn’t pull it out. I remember.”
“Jesus Christ, Gabby. Are you serious right now? You think Ophelia is my daughter?”
“Yes, Paxton can’t have kids.”
“What do you mean? Sure he can.”
“No, I don’t think so. We’ve never used anything, and when we went to the doctor to try for a boy, he told me he couldn’t. He said his sperm count was almost nonexistent. He thinks it’s from the mumps when he was a little boy.”
“Fuck, Gabby. Does Paxton know this?”
“No, I lied to him. I told him the doctor found something wrong with my uterus, something from having Ophelia. He thinks it’s me.”
The ruffling noises were from Lane, standing and walking around the room. No doubt, going crazy.
“I was going to make Nick erase your memory of us ever having sex, not a fucking kid. Fuck.”
“Are you mad?”
“No, no, I’m not mad, Gabby. I’m, fuck. I don’t know what I am.”
“You told me to keep trying with Paxton. You told me that he liked me. You said that, Lane.”
“Yes, because I knew I wouldn’t touch you if you were his. Not because I thought you were having my kid. Jesus, God. I don’t know what to do now.”
I wasn’t sure if the audio stopped on the laptop or my ears. I wanted it to stop. I wanted a redo. I didn’t want to know this. This would devastate Paxton. I listened with my hand over my mouth, holding an empty drink, and wishing for another one. Paxton had three kids and not one of them was his. I swallowed and listened to the noise as Lane entered the room with Nick.
You have to make her forget that we ever had sex. Make her forget that I am Ophelia’s dad. Do it, Nick. You have to. If Candace ever found out she’d leave me in a heartbeat. They’re friends. It’s going to come out. You gotta do this, man.”
“You don’t want your child?”
“She’s four. She knows Paxton as her dad. Erase that shit, Nick. Do it.”
Someone took a deep breath and Nick’s voice made the suggestions. I didn’t get to hear what they were, but I did hear it when it was over.
“I’m going to wake you now, Gabby. I’m going to count backward from ten. Every time I say a number your mind will remember the suggestions I already gave you. You’ll recall them just like any other memory by the time I reach one, okay?”
“Yes, okay.”
Nick counted from ten, slowly, all the way to one. “Wake up. How do you feel?”
“Um, fine. How did I do? Is it gone?”
“How many kids do you have, Gabby?”
“Um, two. You already know that. Why?”
“What are their father’s names?”
“Names? Their dad is Paxton Pierce. What do you mean?”
“Nothing, Gabby, that’s great. Next week, I promise when you wake up, the rape will be out of your mind, and this will all be over with.”
The audio stopped with that right there. I waited for the black box to disappear and closed the laptop. “Good, God, gravy.”
“What? Tell me,” Paxton said from the door, sliding it closed behind him.
I looked up to him speechless for a brief second. I couldn’t tell him that. It would shatter him into tiny little pieces. He would take a boat out to the middle of the ocean and tie a block to his ankle.
“Tell me, Gabriella. What was it all about? What did you learn?”
I took a long breath of sea salt air and spit it out. “I kissed another man.”
Paxton sat beside me and frowned. “What? When?”
“Remember when you made me take that cooking class? The chef owned a bar. He taught me how to make drinks. I liked him. We laughed and had fun,” I said while explaining what I’d just learned. It wasn’t a lie, I did hear that. I just wasn’t about to tell him the rest. I would never tell him that. That secret would follow me to my grave.
“Well, I guess I deserve that. You didn’t mix drinks before your accident. That’s one of the things that convinced me that you were Izzy.”
“I am Izzy.”
“You know what I mean.”
I tried to speak to him like I hadn’t just gotten the most fucked up piece of puzzle there was. “You should probably spank me for kissing another guy.”
“I can definitely do that,” he agreed with a hand already moving below the covers.
I let everything go with Paxton that night. I had to, I couldn’t stand knowing that information, yet in my heart, I always knew there was something. I just didn’t know what. We fucked like wild animals in every thinkable position. We fucked, sucked, licked, clawed, and kissed while my brain held onto what I wanted it to let go of. I shouldn’t have listened. I should have let Nick delete it.
Paxton collapsed first, breathing heavy breaths to the back of my neck.
“You’re squishing me,” I mumbled from below.
He shifted his weight, but only a little. He was still half on top of me. “Jesus, babe.”
I twisted my body, pulling my arm from being under me, and kissed his lips. “I don’t want to see the last video, I don’t want to know what’s in the envelope, and I don’t care about my stone. I love you. Let’s stop.”
“We’re down to one video, and you want to stop?”
“Yes, I don’t care about that anymore. You’re right. Let’s just make better memories, and try to make Vander feel as loved as possible.”
Paxton rolled to his stomach and closed his eyes. “You know you’re not going to do that.”
I touched the welts going down his back from my nails and he hissed. “Yes I am.”
“Liar. It’s one more, Gabriella. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering?”
A deep breath escaped my lungs
and I knew without a doubt. He was right.
“Pax?”
“Hmm?”
“Where would my stone be? The one the Indian gave my mom and me and Izzy?”
Paxton took a deep breath and rolled over. “You never told me it was something sacred. I didn’t even know you had a sister.”
“Where is it?”
“I threw it out into the ocean.”
“Why?”
“Being a dick, because I could. I asked you what it was, and you told me some scientific name for it. You might have even said hematite. I don’t remember.”
“You threw it in the ocean? I’m sure it meant a lot to me.”
“I’m sure it did, too. You walked the beach every morning, hoping it washed up. You never told me that’s what you were doing, but now it makes sense. I’m sorry.”
I smiled and let it go with a deep breath. “Good thing Mi gave me a new one.”
“Agreed. I love you.”
“I love you too, Paxton. We’re the perfect storm of two kinds of crazy.”
Paxton smiled again with closed eyes, no doubt agreeing with that, too.”
The perfect storm of two kinds of crazy. That was us.
Seventeen
The next day was hard as hell. I felt like I’d been hit by a freaking truck. I just didn’t see how that could be true. Ophelia was a spitting image of him, always needing the control. I just couldn’t fathom it. No matter which way I put it, it wouldn’t sink in.
That’s what my mind was on when Paxton got home from work. I didn’t even hear him come in, not even his truck. I always heard his truck pull in. Rowan was on the steps in the pool, Vander and Phi were digging holes below a pine tree for their dinosaurs, and I was sitting on the end of a chaise lounge. My mind was somewhere in la-la-land, not even paying attention to what went on around me.
“Hey, guys,” Paxton called from right behind me.
“Jesus, Pax. You scared the hell out of me.”
All three kids ran to him like he’d been deployed for twelve months. Paxton paid the same amount of attention to all three of them. He checked out Ophelia’s shark tattoo she’d gotten at the drugstore, he listened to Rowan’s story about the lady screaming in the grocery store because a lizard ran up her arm, and Ophelia laughing at her.
She laughed again when the memory hit her, and then tattled on her cousin. “Mini-Van laughed, too.”
Van shoved her a little with his hip, shooting her a glare. I loved it so much; I just wished Izzy was there to share it. At least I would have had someone to talk to, and I would have. I would have told her everything.
“Hey, Uncle Pax. Did my boxes come with my stuff?”
Paxton sat at the top of my chair behind me and put his hand around my waist. “Not yet, buddy, but I got an email today. Tomorrow for sure.”
“Oh, my, God, Vander Clyde.”
“What’s the matter, Aunt Gabby?”
“Your mom left your birthday present here. It’s down in the cottage. Come on, let’s go see.”
“I’m coming, too,” Ophelia said, leaving her dad’s side for mine. Of course Rowan wanted to go, too.”
I took Phi’s hand, not caring that they tagged along. Paxton was the one that stopped them.
“Rowan, you’re going right to the front step and sweeping up that mess you made. You were supposed to do that before I got home, remember?”
“Phi has to do it. We traded. I cleaned up all her pine needles from the cabana bed, and she said she would clean up the chalk I smashed. She did, didn’t she, Mom?” Rowan explained, serious expression on me, begging for help.
“Yes, Phi made that deal with you.”
“Then I can go.”
“Why don’t you stay here with your dad? You guys can go make the Jell-O if you want,” I offered while reminding her of her request for red Jell-O.
“I want to come,” she countered.
Paxton stood, tossing both of them over his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go clean up the smashed chalk and make red Jell-O.”
Vander and I walked to Paxton’s workshop to get the key for the cottage, talking about snow. He wanted to know how we could have Christmas without it.
“Look on the bright side. You get to go outside and play with all your outdoor toys. When it’s cold and snowy out, you have to wait until spring. By then all your toys are either broke or you’re bored with them,” I explained while I slid open the door.
I never even thought about her car being in there. I mean I knew Paxton brought it there, I just didn’t think about it being his mommy’s or how he would react.
Vander ran to the old car before I could stop him. “My mommy’s here. She came.”
“Oh, baby. No, she’s not here. We brought her car here for when she comes back. We just came in here to get the keys.”
“Oh.”
“I’m never going to stop looking for your mommy, Vander. I promise.”
Vander didn’t really respond. His excitement depleted before it ever got started. I wished I could give him that. I would have done anything to get his mommy back.
“Come on, buddy. Let’s go see what she got you.”
Vander cheered up a little when I let him unlock the door. We stepped in and his eyes saw it right away.
“Hey, this is the one I wanted! She got it! This is the one, Aunt, Gabby,” he said, excitement definitely taking over the gloom. Vander dropped the skateboard to the tile and jumped on it with the biggest smile ever. His little knees bent, and he flipped it with his feet, back to his hands, the smile never leaving his face.
“Look, new shoes.”
“Oh, that’s just like Charlie’s. She tricked me. My mom said the store sold all out.”
I took a picture of him with my phone when he plopped to the floor and removed his shoes, sliding the new sandals on his feet.
I handed him the wrapped box when he stood, stomping his foot off the floor, initiating blue lights.
“Here, Van. This one’s really heavy.”
His face dropped again, just like that. “I know what it is, but I don’t have my other ones anymore. I don’t know where they are.”
“Open it,” I coaxed with a finger, ruffling his hair.
Van sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the blue ribbon. “I can’t read yet,” he said as he handed me the card, pulling a snow globe from the box. He shook it, sending the snow falling all around the circus tent.
“I think I already heard this story.”
I opened the card with a frown, wondering what he meant, but didn’t ask. The ache in my throat was harder to swallow than I thought. I had no saliva to get it down with. My mouth dried when I saw her handwriting. She made her G’s the same way I did. Paxton always said they looked like 9’s
“What’s it say?”
It took me a second to gather my bearings before I could read it. Vander put his little face close to the globe, observing the tiny detail. Tiny lions, elephants, and clowns, placed around the tent.
Hey, my favorite Clyde.
You’re five. Wow. How did that happen?
When Gabby and I were around seven, we got to travel with a circus for a whole summer. We had so much fun, Vander. We even got to do a trampoline act with basketball hoops. It was only the pre-show entertainment while the ringmaster waited for the tent to fill, but it was still our show. We were really good. We called ourselves the Twin Duo. We even had cool circus outfits. This globe is to remind you to go to the circus. Go laugh and have fun with a silly clown. Even when you’re forty. I know I haven’t been the best mommy these last couple years, and I’m sorry, baby, but I promise to have you home by the end of summer. That’s a promise solider.
I love you so much little man. You’re going places. Happy birthday.
Love you always and forever,
Mommy
“It’s a Transformer,” I said while I turned the card, showing him the front. I swallowed away the tears, wanting to grab him and hold him so tight. Of
course I didn’t do that. I had a hard enough time trying not to cry. I would have sobbed like a baby if I did that.
Vander took it from me with a smile. A happy smile. I loved him so much already, and my heart hurt because he didn’t have his mommy.
I put Vander to bed that night, spending a little more time with him than I did the girls. We talked about his mommy. I may not have remembered who she was, but at least I had Vander to tell me how special she was. He knew a lot about me, and that made me sad. I never told my girls about her. I kept her hidden away in a past I didn’t remember.
~~
We intended on watching the last of our videos, but I had another breakdown instead. I cried. A lot. Paxton held me, and kissed away my tears, but did little with words. I couldn’t tell him what was wrong. I didn’t know. Just a flood of emotions that I couldn’t control.
He was there for me the best way he knew how to be, and then it turned on a dime. I don’t think either of us saw it coming. It showed up out of the blue, and I’m not even sure which one of us started it. One minute I was ugly crying and the next we were making out. I think I was the one that slid my tongue between his lips, but it was both of us who responded. This was very interesting, to say the least. I don’t think I quit crying at all. Not even when I felt Paxton’s fingers slide through the elastic in my panties. I opened my legs for him.
Paxton brought me to orgasm with two fingers while tears streamed down my face, and then he moved on top of me and made love to me. This wasn’t like anything I’d ever felt before. This was over the top emotional. Not only for me, but him, too. No doubt I was the first person Paxton ever made love to while I cried like a lunatic.
By the time I felt him still inside me, I was all out of tears. Paxton smiled down at me and kissed the tip of my nose. “All better?”
I kissed his nose, and assured him that I was fine. “Yes, I’m good.”
“I hate seeing you cry.”
“I couldn’t help it. I feel so bad for him,” I confessed.
“Yeah, I know. He told me he saved all the red M & M’s out of his pack for his mommy today.”
“Where could she be, Pax?”
Slut Page 28
