“I don’t know, baby. I wish I did.”
~~
I put off the last session again the next day, knowing not only was Vander’s things coming, but so was the box from Izzy’s adoptive mom. I didn’t want to ruin that day either.
Vander was on cloud nine when he got his things. The girls helped him decorate his room with everything he had. That wasn’t a lot, but what it was, meant something to him. Vander was extremely attached to his things, knowing the story behind everything he owned.
My box was heavy as hell, like she packed it full of rocks, but it wasn’t really for me. Or was it? I had a box full of snow globes, twenty-one to be exact. I don’t think I have ever seen so much excitement on a little boy’s face. Those snow globes were special, and he was ecstatic that he had them. I sat on the floor between Paxton’s legs with Vander and the girls, our stones recharging in the center. Vander excitedly told the story of every globe he had with great detail. He remembered them all, and all the stories from his mom. Most of them including me. It made me sad that I couldn’t add to it. A sense of guilt fell over me as I listened to him exaggerate the time Izzy and I went out on a shrimp boat and got caught in a tropical storm. He believed it, and the girls believed it with wide eyes, but I wasn’t so sure that I did. If it did happen, my girls never heard it from me, because I didn’t tell them. I hid her. I didn’t remember her at all, but I knew I loved her.
I thumbed through a yearbook from John’s Town High, listening to my new favorite guy. My sister was quite a basketball star. Varsity point guard four straight years in a row.
“What’s this one about, Van?” Phi asked, finger on a globe with the twin towers.
“How about we save that one for another night? It’s bed time. Let’s go brush.”
“That was when my mommy played basketball. My daddy did, too. I’m going to play basketball, too,” Vander assured us when I flipped open a photo album of Izzy growing up in Michigan. She pretty much started playing basketball right away. I was sure the first couple pages we were still eleven. She looked happy, like she had a good life. She was busy with extracurricular activities, and there was a whole album full of rewards and recognitions. Izzy was smart.
Rowan and Ophelia were fascinated by the resemblance. They knew about her by now, but I don’t think it really sunk in until that moment. The baby book from Vander up until he was about three was filled with a happy family. A man, a beautiful young girl who looked just like me, and a little boy who looked a lot like my Ophelia stood in front of a flatbed truck. Izzy did the modeling, using her hands to showcase a logo on the side of the truck. Jonnie and Clyde Lawn Care in purple letters.
“That’s my daddy,” Vander said with a pointed finger right to the very tall black man. I didn’t know what Vander had been told, but I was sure this man wasn’t Vander’s daddy. With every page that I turned, I changed my mind. This guy may not have been Vander’s real dad, but he was definitely his daddy, and my sister loved him.
“Where is your daddy, baby?”
“He got hurt with a tractor and my mommy couldn’t get the bucket off his neck,” he explained with both hands around his throat.
Ophelia placed her hand on his back and apologized. “I’m sorry, Van. I can share my dad with you. It doesn’t matter what daddy loves you, right Mom?”
I smiled at her, feeling proud, like my five-year-old daughter had just given me the permission I needed to let it go. Those videos didn’t mean anything to me. This did. This family did.
I liked learning my past through Vander, and hearing all the stories his momma told him about our adventures. I was pretty sure only about half of them were true. Like the one where Izzy and I rode over Los Angeles in a hot air balloon when I put him to bed. I guess it could be true. Vander seemed to think so. He had a snow globe to prove it.
I kissed his little head and told him that I loved him, and then I told him that his mommy loved him. Vander hugged me tight, handed me his little stone, and rolled to his side. I smiled and placed his little pebble on his stand, feeling like we were going to be okay, like we might actually make it out alive.
~~
“I can’t do this, Lane. I changed my mind.”
“No you don’t, Gabby. No you don’t. You’re doing this. It’s set. You’re going to park that car like you do every Tuesday. You’re going to get out and get into the silver SUV waiting on you there.”
“I can’t, there’s a tropical storm heading our way.”
“You’ll be long gone before it hits. You’re getting on that plane.”
“What the fuck, Paxton? Are you serious right now?”
“What’s he talking about, Gabby. What SUV?”
“Turn it off. What are you doing? You can’t do that. Where’s Nick?”
“I told him you were coming. Sit down.”
I slammed the laptop shut to get his attention.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Paxton? You’re doing this?”
The look in Paxton’s eyes reminded me of something I didn’t remember. Something dark, that I didn’t like.
He was on his feet faster than I could step away, and I was planted against the cold glass, his hand tightly around my throat. “What the fuck did you do?”
“Let go of me.”
“Were you going to leave me, Gabriella? Were you planning on taking my kids? Answer me, goddamnit,” he screamed, a fraction from my face.
“I don’t know, I have amnesia,” I smartly said.
Paxton shoved my face and let me go, but I didn’t let him go. I followed a few steps behind while he glided down the stairs twice as fast as me.
“Paxton, stop. Why are you doing this? We were fine.”
That turned him in his tracks and I backed down. “We weren’t fine, Gabriella. We’re the fucking lie in this whole fucked up circle. You and me, bitch. We’ve been living on lies since the day we ran into each other on that beach. Let’s get them out. Let’s lay it all out.”
I continued to follow him, knowing damn well where he was headed. Paxton opened his office door, and then unlocked the vault behind a picture of Rowan and Phi, dressed in matching clown costumes while they held pumpkin buckets.
I closed the door behind me to keep from waking up the kids. Paxton was pissed. He didn’t even give me a chance. He just ripped it open, dumping it all to his desk. Passports, fake identifications, birth certificates, new social security cards, and a flip phone.
“Fucking passports? You were going to take my fucking kids from me?”
I didn’t answer, but I did jump. Right after he smashed the phone against the wall
“This isn’t fair, Paxton. You know I don’t remember that.”
“So if you hadn’t went to the store for milk, I wouldn’t have them right now? What gives you the fucking right?”
“Shh, you’re going to scare the kids.”
“What else is there, Gabriella? What else are you hiding? My guess is it has something to do with your one on one video. Did you tell me everything? Did you, Gabriella?”
I gave it right back, but not quite as vicious as Paxton. “Did you, Pax? You had a one on one, too. Did you tell me everything?”
“Get the fuck out of my face, Izabella. Take your fake ass and get the fuck away from me before I hurt you.”
I tried talking to him in a quiet tone, rationalize with him, but it was hopeless. “Pax.”
“Go.”
I left because that’s all I could do. Paxton wasn’t about to listen to me. He already slipped on his blinders, and I knew it was pointless until they were off. I went upstairs with my sister’s things, wishing to God I had her to talk to.
Mi called my phone five times before I made it back to my room. I closed the door and called her back.
“Jesus, you scared me. What happened? Nick said you closed the video out. He can’t get it back now, none of them. They’re out in cyberspace.”
“I don’t care, Mi. I don’t want it.”
&n
bsp; “What happened, honey?”
I planned on sitting there and telling her everything, letting her be my Clyde, but something familiar caught my eye, but I didn’t know why it was familiar. “We just had a fight. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Sure, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Thanks, Mi.”
“Anytime, babe.”
I picked up a pink notebook with a big red daisy planted right in the center and opened the cover. Poem after poem filled the pages, and I knew they belonged to my mother. I reached for my tablet and flipped it on, going right to the folder where I knew they were in. They weren’t verbatim, but some of them were close, and I knew my mother had written these poems, I was merely trying to hold on to them. Keep them close to my heart. Every time something fell into place, something else fell apart.
Eighteen
Paxton refused to have anything to do with me for nearly a week. I was so over it. He worked late, he ate in his office, and he slept on the sofa. I swear he didn’t say two words to me, and when he finally did, it was because he had to. He was able to pull some strings, and get Vander into St. Augustine. That was it. He treated me like I didn’t exist otherwise. He was cheerful around the kids, talking and playing with them like they were best friends. Even Van, but not me. He didn’t treat me anyway. He wouldn’t even look at me, except for the things he had to say, which were usually right in front of the kids. Fake as fake could be.
I did what Mi told me to do and let him stew on it. I didn’t stroke his ego, not even a little. I took her advice and pretended like I didn’t have a care in the world, went about my business like a busy mom of three. I lived my life without Paxton, waiting for him to play the next card, while I studied what I held in my own hand. I held the royal flush, but unfortunately, I was afraid to use it. I didn’t want to use it, but I would.
It was hard for me to stay grounded with everything I had going on, but I had to. I had three very young children to influence; one of them extremely vulnerable. Thank God for Mi. If it hadn’t been for her keeping me sane, and telling me what to do, I would have cracked a long time ago. I focused on my three Clydes and my sister, searching every possible place there was to search.
We exchanged words finally on the sixth day of silence. Paxton got up and walked out of our bedtime ritual, leaving his captain stone behind. He said it was because of a call he forgot to make. That’s what he told the kids. I knew better. He suddenly had to go when Ophelia pulled our hands together unconsciously, playing with both our fingers while Rowan read to us. Our eyes met and our fingers grazed each other’s briefly. That’s when he had to leave. He kissed the girls and ruffled Vander’s hair.
I had just walked out of the girl’s bathroom with an armful of towels when he called for me to come into his office.
I stood at the door, holding the laundry with raised eyebrows. “What?”
“You got an email from this place you ordered Vander’s uniforms. Two of these shirts are out of stock. What do you want me to do?”
I frowned at him wondering if that was just a tactic to get me in there, or a control thing, letting me know that he was still the one holding the reigns. Maybe he wanted me to come around to his desk and pick out new ones. Hell, I had no clue. “I’ll look tomorrow. Is that it?”
Paxton blinked his eyes a couple times before replying. “Yeah.” That’s all he said. He turned his attention back to his work. Whatever. Dick.
“Oh, what are you doing Saturday? Are you going to be around to stay with the kids for a while? I have plans with Mi.”
“What do you mean you have plans with Mi? You don’t make plans with Mi without talking to me first.”
I blew out a puff of air with my sarcastic words. “That hand is dead, Paxton. Play another card.”
“It’s always a fucking game with you. I don’t have a fucking card, Gabriella, because this is not a fucking game.”
“Okay, then I quit, Paxton. I don’t want to do this with you anymore. We need to start thinking about what we’re going to do. I mean, I guess technically, we don’t have to get a divorce. You’re legally married to my sister, not me. I’m sure I signed a million documents when I married you, stating I wouldn’t get anything if we divorced anyway.”
“Go the fuck away. I’m not even doing this with you. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever spend one night without my girls.”
I nodded with a deep breath, giving him a nonchalant answer, no feeling behind it whatsoever. “Suit yourself, Pax,” I countered while I repositioned the load of towels in my arms in order to use my hands. Just like a dealer in a casino, I flipped my imaginary card to his desk. His eyes even looked down to the invisible card. “Royal Flush. You lose. I’m going to take Izzy’s photo around to some shelters with Mi Saturday. We’re leaving around nine. Goodnight, Paxton.”
I walked out without another word, not even from him.
I never kept Vander in the dark. He knew I planned on spending Saturday looking for his mommy, because I told him the very next morning.
I was in the kitchen packing Paxton’s lunch for the next morning when Vander sleepily came into the kitchen. Yes, I still did that. I just made sure I did it at night, before bed, not wanting to see him in the mornings. I set the coffee pot to go off on its own, and I kept a bowl of pastries and muffins on the island. Just because I hated him, didn’t mean I wanted him to work in the hot sun all day without nourishment.
“Aunt, Gabby,” Vander quietly said in a sad tone.
I turned to his sad expression, holding something ratty and pink underneath his arm. The bread that I had been spreading mayonnaise on dropped to the counter and I went to him.
“Come here, baby.” I said as I sat and pulled him into my lap.
His legs dangled to one side of my lap while his head rested on my chest. I rubbed his back and kissed his head. “Do you miss my mommy?”
I didn’t see a reason to remind him that I didn’t really remember her. “I miss her so much, Vander. I’m going to go look for her with Mi on Saturday.
“Can I come?”
“No way, dude. You gotta help me. We’re going to start on that waterslide Saturday. I need to know where you want this secret tunnel.”
Vander pepped right up with the sound of Paxton’s voice. Our eyes met when he picked up the bread, drying on the counter, slapped a slice of cheese on it, and stuck it in his mouth.
“We are?”
“Yup, wait until you see the slide, it’s going to have a wave right at the end. That way when you reach the bottom, it’ll catapult you high into the air before you hit the water.”
My eyes left Paxton’s when I felt the pink material in my hand, wondering what it was, sure that it was something that belonged to his mother. Something special that he had for a very long time.
“What is this, sweetie?” I asked.
Vander tucked it between our bodies when he realized he had it. “That’s mine.”
I rubbed his back again, trying to assure him that it was okay. “I won’t tell anybody,” I whispered.
He moved his hands back to his lap and unfolded it over his lap. A pink tattered shirt with a mustard stain around the collar. “When my mommy traded places with you, you had to trade shirts. She said this is your favorite shirt and she had to give it back. She covered me up with it when I was born so you could be a part of my birthday, too. But now it’s mine. I don’t want to give it back.”
“Have you always slept with this?”
“Yes, but you can’t tell Ophelia, she’s mean.”
Paxton and I exchanged a quick smile with the mention of our ‘mean daughter’.
“You can have it if you want to. My mommy said we had to keep it so we can give it to you.”
A realization hit me as I eased his trepidation about me taking his security blanket. “How about you hang on to it for me, can you do that?”
I felt his head nod, but he didn’t reply with words.
“Vander
, did you know your mommy was coming here?”
“Huh-uh, she said she found you and we was going to come here and she wasn’t going to be sick anymore. She was going to work for you, Uncle Pax.”
I don’t know how Paxton got there so fast, but he was there before the first tear could fall. I stood with Vander in my arms and handed him off. Paxton walked him to the wall of glass and pointed out to the pool. “I was thinking of building a bridge from the playset to the waterslide. What do you think?”
“A swinging bridge.”
“Hmm, I like the way you think.”
I rounded the corner just in time before the audible whimper escaped, sinking to the floor as my legs gave out and the tears won.
Stupid, stupid Izzy. If only she would have walked to the door and knocked. She could be here with me now, with Vander.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” Ophelia’s tiny voice questioned. Jesus. Why the hell were all my kids still awake?
I didn’t hold back the tears with Phi. I grabbed her into a bear hug and held onto her tight, using her for needed security.
“Do you miss your sister?”
I smiled and pushed her hair away and held her face. “I miss her so much, baby.”
“I would miss Rowan, too,” she softly said, placing her hand on my cheek.
I kissed her wrist and pulled her close again.
“Come on jitterbug. Bedtime. Hop on the train,” Paxton said as he shifted Vander to the other shoulder.
“No, Mommy’s sad.”
I kissed Phi’s little lips and coaxed her off my lap with a light shove. “You go, baby. I’m okay.”
“She misses your mommy,” Phi told Van as her daddy lifted her to the vacant shoulder.
“She’s going to find her on Saturday,” Van replied.
Shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that.
I pulled myself from the floor and walked to the kitchen, inviting a strong mixed drink to my pity party. My feet slid into Paxton’s flip-flops by the door when I couldn’t find mine. I walked outside, planning to take my drink down to the beach to sulk in silence. Pray to a deaf God that didn’t hear me.
“Hey, where you going? Come here.”
Slut Page 29
