Treading Water (Forgotten Soldier Book 2)

by Jessie G

  “We know you’re still you…” Julian began, his expression softening sympathetically.

  It was so much worse than the serious glare his cousin had been sporting and the wave of anger that followed was unlike anything he’d felt before. Like a pin being pulled on a grenade, Sean had no way to contain the explosion. “No, you don’t! A month ago, you would have rolled your eyes and grumbled at that stupid joke, but you would have laughed! Now…now you’re walking around with your father’s glare. All you need are your mother’s rosary beads to…”

  “Sean!” Shane didn’t need to yell. He had that commanding voice down to a science and the sailor in Sean responded instantly. Mouth shut, shoulders thrown back, Sean met that glacial stare head on and saw only disappointment and rebuke looking back at him. What had he done to get that reaction?

  For a heart-stopping moment, all he remembered was the way the anger burned hot within him. In his whole life, he’d never lashed out with the intent to hurt anyone. Horrified, he looked at Julian and saw that he’d done just that. The devastation brought the words back like a barrage of fists and he’d used them against the one person he vowed never to hurt.

  “Julian.” Frantically, Sean reached out and his cousin’s flinch was like a knife to the heart. How could he have done that? “I don’t know why I said those things.”

  “It’s fine.” Chin high, eyes averted, Julian gestured for Shane to open the door. “We should go in.”

  “No!” Sean grabbed Julian’s hand and tugged until his cousin had no choice but to look at him. “No, it’s not fine. That’s not me.”

  “Oh, Sean, don’t you think I know that?” The hurt was still there, but so was the acceptance that was so typical of Julian. His cousin forgave as easily as he bled and Sean never understood where he found the strength to do so. “You’re right, I would’ve laughed. It was just that hearing you call yourself a...” Julian shook his head, refusing to repeat it. “But I know you, Sean. Humor has always been your cure-all and I totally expected it from you. I wish I could be more like that, but…it isn’t that I see you differently, it’s that I hurt for you. I’m angry for you. I…shit. Did I really look like my father?”

  “Not at all.” That was the truth only because Julian looked more like his mother’s side of the family. Not that Sean was stupid enough to say that. “I know you’re already trying to excuse my actions, but what I said just now was not only unacceptable, it wasn’t true.”

  Julian didn’t look convinced. “I should have laughed.”

  “Why? To make me feel better? This accident doesn’t give me the right to yell hurtful things at you. Being in this wheelchair doesn’t excuse me from being an asshole. I don’t know where that anger came from, but don’t let me hurt you, Julian.” When Julian just sniffled, Sean looked at Shane and begged, “Don’t let me hurt him.”

  Where Julian was ready to trip over himself to forgive, Shane just looked and sounded angrier when he promised, “Trust me, brother, you won’t get the chance again.”

  Sean didn’t know where that blind rage came from and it terrified him. Knowing Shane was looking out for Julian was a relief and Sean accepted that warning as his due. There was never any doubt that he could count on Shane, even if it meant protecting others from him. They couldn’t have predicted ever getting to that point, but he was grateful to have someone willing to take whatever role was necessary to keep him from totally fucking up.

  Right now, though, he needed to fix this. “They say you learn who your real friends are when the shit hits the fan, but I’ve always known who was in my corner. You’re the last people I want to hurt, ever. I love you guys more...”

  “Stop.” Julian’s whisper was raw, pained. “Stop right there, Sean Murphy. Just stop. We know how you feel and we know how you express it. It isn’t with those words. Not seriously.”

  Though it wasn’t Julian’s intent, that only made him feel guilty for every missed opportunity he had to tell these two men how important they were to him. Sure, actions and all that nonsense, but even he liked hearing the words occasionally. “Maybe not, but the words are important.”

  “Why? Do you really think one little outburst is going to change how I feel about you?” Instead of Julian’s signature sentimental acceptance, he only seemed more agitated. “It’s not even possible, Sean. It’s not. I know you’re mortified right now, but I also know you’re hurting and scared and battling a pride that refuses to allow you to admit it. It’s not going to be the last time you say something you didn’t mean because all that frustration is just boiling away and it’s not healthy to keep it inside. When it happens, we’ll deal with it, but it will never ever change how we feel about each other.”

  Julian looked at Shane and admonished, “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep. The Navy is expecting you back sooner rather than later and then it will be just Sean and me. You’ll try your hardest to be there when you can and we’ll appreciate your efforts, but you can’t protect either of us from this. It was sweet of you to intervene, but I can’t let myself get used to it and I’m asking you to stop.”

  Sean wasn’t the most intuitive fucker on the planet, but even he could feel the undercurrent between them. After all this time, had his matchmaking worked? The urge to ask, to gloat, was overwhelming and out of place, and the struggle not to smile in the face of their heated stand-off was as painful as anything else he’d suffered in the last month. Fucked up? Maybe, but what better diversion could there be than watching no-relationships-ever Shane fall for cry-on-a-dime Julian? Honestly, someone needed to make him popcorn and give him a high five.

  Without a word, Shane yanked open the conference room door and jerked his head in clear indication that Julian should go first. When Sean started forward, a strong hand settled on his shoulder and Shane leaned down to whisper, “Wipe that grin off your face before I forget you’re injured.”

  Like that was going to work? Sean didn’t even bother to contain his laughter and rolled over Shane’s foot for good measure.

  Chapter 9

  Shane

  “I have a spare room in the caretaker’s cottage that I use as an office…” Julian’s voice trailed off as he listened to Aiden on the other end of the phone and Shane could see the weariness in his expression.

  They’d spent the whole day with Sean and his medical team, getting every excruciating detail of his injury, what to expect during his recovery, and their goals for his rehabilitation. Other than scoffing at their assertion that he was unlikely to walk again, Sean kept his cool, listened to everything they said, and seemed in better spirits than when he called the night before.

  As predicted, they stressed the benefits of Sean moving into the assisted living facility associated with the hospital so that he could complete his rehab in Jacksonville. Shane was ready to dig in his heels, but Jared’s influence was as far reaching as he claimed. With a bit of bluster and a few deep frowns, they agreed to work with the Key West medical team and everyone walked away feeling like they had a plan.

  The only thing left to figure out was where Sean would stay. Shane lived in base housing, which was neither large nor accessible. Julian offered up his ADA suite at the inn, which would’ve been perfect if Sean hadn’t rejected it outright, claiming that Julian would lose significant income by giving him that room. Despite that, Julian had called his assistant as soon as they left the hospital, only to find out that the room was booked nearly every week for the next six months. Canceling those reservations would not only result in a loss of income, it would damage the reputation of his business. With their options limited, Julian called Aiden who assured him that if he had a suitable space, they had a team who could make the necessary modifications immediately.

  “How big? It’s a converted guest room, about two hundred and fifty square feet with a walk-in closet and an adjoining bath. I installed French doors that lead to a courtyard between the cottage and the main house so guests can come directly into the office without accessi
ng my private living space. That would actually be perfect for Sean’s wheelchair and I can move the office to the living room for now until…” Again, Julian trailed off and his frown only darkened as he listened to Aiden. “No, it’s not ideal as a long-term solution, but the only other option is my bedroom, which I suppose could work. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t slept on the couch before.”

  “No,” Shane cut in, no longer able to keep silent. At his intrusion, dark eyes flicked to his, then quickly away as if Julian had something to hide. While Shane couldn’t call the atmosphere awkward, there was a new tension in the air that wasn’t making it easy. That didn’t stop him from asking, “You think Sean’s going to agree to kick you out of your own room?”

  With a little slump of defeat, Julian banged his head back against the seat and demanded, “He’s going to pitch a fit either way, so what would you have me do? There isn’t a common room big enough to be converted or enough time to build an addition.”

  “Put Aiden on the speaker.” Though Julian huffed, he complied and Shane asked, “What about a prefab addition to replace the office? The existing office can be converted for Sean and Julian would still have a separate space to conduct business.”

  “Honestly, I have no idea what that is,” Aiden admitted. “But I can call Owen. Is there room on the property for an addition, Julian? I’m sure that’ll be his first question.”

  “I planned to expand shortly after I purchased the B&B and there was some zoning done, but the estimates were way out of my price range. All that stuff is on file with the county, isn’t it? Your Owen should be able to request them.” Another quick flick of those eyes had Shane grinding his teeth in frustration. “But what would that entail? Are we talking about a separate structure or cutting into my walls to connect it to the cottage? And how long would it take? Wouldn’t it be better to make the living room a temporary office while we get Sean situated, then worry about making a permanent office down the road?”

  Shane didn’t like that suggestion one bit. First, having guests traipsing in and out of the cottage left no room for privacy for either Julian or Sean. Second, there was no plan for him to move in with them and he was still active duty with a position on the base. At best, he could promise to be there in the evenings and on days off, but his shoulder injury didn’t negate the possibility that he could be shipped out as soon as the doctors cleared him. All that meant the bulk of the day-to-day responsibilities would fall to Julian and Shane wouldn’t let him give up more than he already was to be Sean’s primary caregiver.

  “Again, I have no idea how to answer your questions, but I can tell you that Owen and his crew would be coming down from Miami. I imagine the most cost-effective solution would be to do everything the first time.” Aiden’s response made a lot of sense and, more importantly, saved Shane from having to interject an opinion he really had no right to give. He was already pushing his luck as it was. “Let me get in touch with him and I’ll have him call you both directly.”

  “Yeah, okay, that’s probably for the best,” Julian agreed as he tried to stifle a yawn.

  “In the morning,” Shane added more forcefully than was warranted. Awkwardness aside, it was late and Julian needed time to decompress before dealing with the reality of major renovations to his home. “It’s already after ten and we’ve been at the hospital all day.”

  “No problem.” There was a slight pause and Shane realized they had no trouble calling Aiden so late. He supposed he should feel guilty for asking for something they weren’t giving in return, but one look at the visible stress on Julian’s face made that impossible. “I actually didn’t realize the time, but I’ll give him a call before I leave the office and you’ll hear from him in the morning.”

  They’d called him on his cell phone thinking he had already left for the day, so Shane asked, “Why are you still at the office?”

  “I’m working on our first fundraiser and I guess time got away from me.” There was a little chuckle before Aiden admitted, “Jared wouldn’t be happy if he knew how late I stayed, so let’s keep this between us. Okay?”

  When Julian looked at him that time, his gaze lingered, sharing his amusement. They both knew the foundation was just getting off the ground and learned that Aiden was a recent transplant to Miami, having come down specifically to work with Jared. It was obvious that he had a bit of hero-worship going on for his handsome boss and they speculated on the possibility of a small crush. Each time Aiden mentioned Jared, it became apparent that it was more than just speculation.

  “Your secrets are safe with us.” While Aiden couldn’t see the twinkle in Julian’s tired eyes, the message was clear. Be it long hours, hero-worship, or a not-so-small crush, Jared wouldn’t hear it from them.

  Though Shane wouldn’t break Julian’s promise, he had no problem issuing a little blackmail to ensure that Aiden didn’t work himself into the ground. “As long as you call Owen as soon as we hang up and then head right home.”

  “But…” Aiden began.

  “No buts,” Shane cut him off. “Do you need me to point out how ineffectual you’ll be from your own hospital bed?”

  “Fine.” As agreements went, it was seriously lacking any gratitude for his concern. “You won’t win that every time, Shane Parker.”

  The threat was ruined by what sounded like a muffled yawn and he laughed outright. “I look forward to the next round.”

  With a distinctly unhappy grumble, Aiden clicked off and Shane became aware of Julian watching him curiously. He’d been waiting for Julian to look at him all day, but that scrutiny made him want to squirm. “What?”

  “Nothing.” Which meant something bigger than he was ready to deal with. Shane remained silent, uncertain whether he wanted Julian to tell him or not. “That was nice of you.”

  “Yeah, well.” While he might not know exactly what he wanted from Julian, gratitude wasn’t on the list. A deep, perverse part of him longed to see the hope and desire Julian had shown earlier, but he resolutely tamped it down. It wouldn’t be fair to accept something he was incapable of giving back. “We need him, right?”

  The little snort didn’t escape his hearing, though Julian didn’t call him out. That was probably for the best because he didn’t want to talk about Aiden, the foundation, or even Sean. It didn’t seem possible that only forty-eight hours had passed, not when he considered how much had happened or all the things that changed. He’d been in some dire situations during his military tenure that weren’t as daunting as this.

  “You said things wouldn’t be awkward.” The words were out before he acknowledged that he was even thinking them, much less that he intended to say them. They hovered between them, as shocking and awkward as they appeared, and Shane realized he had no desire to take them back. It wasn’t like him to show his hand, but fuck it. They were a team, a unit on a mission, and he couldn’t allow their lapse in judgment to jeopardize the outcome.

  The words may have been simple, but when Julian looked away without responding, Shane knew he’d said too much. This was yet another reason why he wasn’t relationship material. They weren’t even in one and he was screwing it up.

  That silence remained, long and tense, until they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and he released the breath he’d been holding. Maybe it was better this way. He could go work out in the hotel gym while Julian went up to the room. As tired as the man was, Shane knew it wouldn’t take long for him to fall asleep and then they could start fresh in the morning. With some rest and a little perspective, they should be able to have a logical conversation about moving forward without the elephant between them.

  It sounded like a solid plan until slender fingers curled around his forearm and when he looked over, all the hope and desire he’d both longed for and feared was there for him to see. Too late, Shane realized that Julian wasn’t the type to pretend and those darting glances hadn’t been punishment. Julian had been trying to protect the feelings Shane had already rejected.

/>   “I’m sorry.” The apology was all sorts of wrong and Shane knew nothing Julian said next was going to make it better. “This morning was…well, it affected me more than I was expecting. I wish I was better at lying so I could spare you that, but it’s the truth and I know you value honesty.”

  It was his turn to remain silent, uncertain what to say. Strangely, the normal imperative to run wasn’t there. Oh, the flight instinct was always on standby and Shane knew he should probably put as much distance between them as possible before Julian became a threat to his carefully controlled world. But he didn’t want to run any more than he wanted to examine why he wanted to stay.

  “But I always keep my promises and you’ll never have to worry about me making more of it than it was.” Was. Past tense. As Julian’s hand slid away, disappearing behind his back as if he didn’t trust himself not to touch, Shane could feel the door closing on an encore. “You know, it’s all your fault.”

  The mock glare nearly made him smile and, despite his internal conflict, he couldn’t wait to hear why. “Mine?”

  “Yes, yours. It was bad enough when I just thought you were disgustingly gorgeous, but then you had to make it worse by being a genuinely nice guy.”

  He’d heard some interesting pick-up lines in his time, but none that had been quite so harsh. “Most people think I’m a jerk.”

  “Yeah, and even that’s kind of endearing.” Julian laughed softly, the sound chasing away some of the tension. “Do you think it’s still possible for us to be friends even though I made it weird?”