For The Sake of Revenge

by DL Atha

  “Only a couple of swallows the first time, and the dreams were pretty mild, enough to pique my curiosity and scare me a bit but nothing dramatic. The next time I drank a little more, and the dreams became much more vivid. The bond seemed to get stronger the more blood I consumed until the vampire actually had the strength to pull me into this vision where I could read his mind and he mine. His memories were as real to me as my own. Kinda like I’d lived them alongside him. The intensity was incredible. It’s really hard to explain, Peter; it was like I’d lived a completely different life. I think it was as close to reincarnation as you can get.”

  “Okay. Suppose this is true and you aren’t simply delusional, what does he want?” Peter asked, acid leaking into his voice despite his placid face. “Or better yet, what do you want? You must have drank it for a reason.”

  “He’s lonely,” I breathed out. How ridiculous I sounded even to myself.

  “Lonely? That’s it? He’s lonely like I’m depressed after spending two centuries in this grave and I’d like to have a tea party? Or lonely like, I’m rabidly hungry and as soon as possible, I going to rip your throat out with my teeth and drink your blood?”

  “Well,” I paused, “probably…” I started.

  “Be honest, Tamara. It’s the second choice, and you know it. If any of this true, he wants something from you. Don’t be a fool to think he’s just lonely, and don’t make the same mistake you made ten years ago. This man or… vampire… or whatever he claims to be, is dangerous.”

  Anger crawled up my throat, wrapping hot fingers around my vocal cords. My voice came out in a tight squeak. “This is not about Joel.”

  “Isn’t it?” he questioned harshly, scanning my face with his eyes. “Isn’t this exactly like you and Joel? He was dangerous. He wanted to own you, and you couldn’t see the truth that everyone else could see even though it was right in front of your face.”

  “I’m not blind, Peter. I know what I’ve gotten into this time. You’re right about me wanting something as well,” I answered.

  His eyes went wide with surprise and then faded to disbelief. “God help me. I can’t believe I’m hearing this. And I can’t believe I’m saying this either, but if this vampire is real, then my guess is that you both want something very bad from one another. He wants to be freed, and you want some very bloody revenge.”

  “And what if I did? What would be so wrong with that? Joel killed my mother.”

  “You don’t know that!” he stated back forcefully.

  Starting to stand, I reached for the coat that I’d peeled off and laid across my knees. “Forget it. I should have known; you’re just like everyone else.”

  On his feet before I could get to mine, Peter pressed his hands onto my shoulders and I flinched. This is where Joel would have hit me. I waited, still and quiet out of habit. Realizing his mistake, my friend pulled his palms away, calmly, lifting them to where I could see them.

  “Sorry, Tam. I didn’t mean to get upset. I just don’t want to lose you to any kind of madness again. Not now. When I’m so close to having you back.”

  The bench below me was still warm when I sat back down. “Joel killed her, Peter. I know it as sure as I’m sitting here.”

  Lowering his tall frame down beside me once again, he took one of my hands in his. “Let’s say that’s a definite. Will killing Joel change that? Will staining your hands with his blood erase the past? It will only end up destroying you too. Let it go, Tam.”

  “Joel will kill me. Can’t you see that?” I pleaded with him for understanding. “I’m as good as dead if I don’t do something drastic. I need an edge he can’t expect.”

  “You want an edge? Then leave here. Sell that house and get off of this island. It’s a big world, Tam, and you can get so lost in it that he can’t find you. I’m selfish, and I would love to keep you here. But I’d rather you be safe. I would rather you be happy. Just like ten years ago.”

  “You just said you didn’t want to lose me again, and now you want me to leave?” I questioned, confused.

  “Knowing your safe, alive, and happy. That’s not losing you, Tam. That’s finding you all over again.”

  I shook my head, my arms crossed stubbornly across my chest. “No. No! I cannot leave here. It’s not just about me. Mom deserves justice. Joel needs to pay. Besides, I can’t run for the rest of my life. And that’s what I’d be doing, Peter. Running. And I’m done with that.”

  “And by ‘pay’, you mean what exactly? Would you be satisfied if he was charged with your mom’s death? Would it take a conviction? The death penalty? You could spend your entire life waiting for any of these to happen, so what line has to be crossed for you to be happy, Tam? Would it be enough if I said I believed you? I believe that Joel killed your mother. He’s a dangerous psychopath, and he is guilty! Is that enough?”

  “No, Peter. I want him to…” I stopped, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

  “Suffer. You can say it, Tam. You want him to suffer. That’s called revenge, not justice.”

  He waited for me to admit it, but I refused. Instead, I forced my eyes away from his, watching a fat white bird that had settled onto a tree limb a few feet away. It pecked at the remnants of a few red berries clinging to the wet wood.

  “Revenge always comes back to haunt you. When you curse your enemies, the spell finds its way back to you through someone you love. Revenge is a net that never fails to be broader than you give it credit for, and if you cast it out, you need to be prepared for what you catch.”

  I couldn’t help but smile, even if the expression was a little cold and uncomfortable. “Yeah. Adrik said I wasn’t ready for revenge.” I didn’t add that he’d also said I would be soon.

  “Who’s Adrik?” Peter asked. “That’s a name you don’t hear very often. Who is he?” He looked puzzled.

  “Well, you wouldn’t know him. He’s been buried under the ground for over two hundred years.”

  “The vampire? His name is Adrik?”

  “’What? You thought he didn’t have a name?” I laughed.

  “I’ve heard that name somewhere. I just can’t put my finger on where. Maybe from Dad?” He questioned out loud.

  I shrugged my shoulders at him. “I’d never heard it before. I looked it up in an old book of Russian names that Mom owned. It’s a really old Russian name.”

  “It’ll come to me. Keep going. Why’d he say you weren’t ready?” he asked, his skeptical expression softening slightly.

  I sighed heavily, knowing I sounded like a complete fool. “Forget it. I realize with each sentence how absolutely nuts I sound.”

  “We’re way past worrying about that small point,” Peter reminded me. “Spit it out.”

  I shrugged. “Fine. Adrik offered to kill Joel if I let him out of his tomb. And I said no because I didn’t want to die, of course, but I also didn’t want anyone besides Joel to die. So he said I wasn’t ready for revenge if I was worried about collateral damage.”

  “I didn’t know vampires had so much intuition,” Peter said. He had such a peculiar expression that I wished again for a cell phone. It would have been a perfect camera-phone moment.

  “There’s a lot you wouldn’t guess about him. I spent a century with him, Peter. At least that’s how it felt. He’s certainly a killer but not cruel. And he’s not a liar. He reminds me often that he chose this life. But you can’t imagine how horrible it is. I can still taste the dirt between his teeth, feel the gritty water on his face. And that’s nothing compared to the emptiness of time.” I shivered remembering what I’d experienced. “I started down this path to help myself, but now I want to help him too. He doesn’t deserve this. I know what he did because I lived it with him in my dreams and despite the people he’s killed, he doesn’t deserve this special form of hell.”

  I turned to Peter when he didn’t respond. His eyes were squinted as if he was looking backwards into time or searching through old memories in his past.

  “Peter?�
�� I rubbed his arm to bring him back to me. He looked up, startled, and drew in a deep breath.

  “Sorry. I was remembering something Dad told me a long time ago. Listen, Tam. You don’t owe this Adrik anything. Look at me,” he spoke firmly, giving my hand a tight squeeze. “You said he committed suicide after he was excommunicated. He’s beyond your help. He’s beyond anybody’s help. Leave it alone. The only person who could help him is some ancient dead bishop likely buried layers down somewhere below our feet,” he said, pointing to the ground beneath us. “Put this entire experience behind you and forget him.”

  “I can’t. How can I? I’m no different than him. I won’t lie to you; I wish Joel was dead. I’d kill him myself if I thought I could get away with it, and maybe even if I couldn’t. So how can I just walk away from this man or vampire or whatever he is and leave him suffering alone when I’m no different than he is?”

  “You walk away because that’s the right path for you. He’s beyond your help,” Peter said, grasping my hands again. “You’re still salvageable. Flesh and blood, hands clean of any wrongdoing. You’re different from him because unlike this Adrik, you haven’t justified to yourself the collateral damage that your revenge would cost. He clearly did. Innocent people died because he justified his actions. When you reach the point that you justify the suffering of innocent people so you can serve up your own revenge or when you tell yourself that you’ll be careful and no one else will get hurt, you’re no different than Joel. Or this Adrik. Walk away from all of this and don’t look back!”

  My hair misted drops of condensed mist as I shook my head. “A part of me loves him, Peter. It’s like I spent a century with him. I can’t forget. I can’t walk away.” I spared him the details of being tied to Adrik for the rest of my life through the blood.

  “You love him.” Peter laughed, bitterness seeping into the sound as he scrubbed his hands across his forehead like he was rubbing away a headache. “Why do you always love what’s so very bad for you? Do you want to be the victim? Is this some weird variation of the Stockholm syndrome?”

  My initial reaction was to be angry, but it was a well-deserved blow. How could Peter know that Adrik understood me more than him? Understood that I was tired of being the victim.

  Peter was quiet for a several minutes, and I gave him space for his thoughts, not saying anything else for the moment. A fine grainy snow had begun to fall from the skies, making little twangy sounds as it hit the rain jacket lying across my lap. I slipped it on, glad for the down lining against my body. Above the canopy of trees, the clouds piled upon each other, obscuring the sun.

  “Have you ever heard the poem of the girl who fell in love with death?” Peter murmured.

  I shook my head no.

  “‘Here lies the girl who fell for death. He stole her heart and took her breath. He kissed her as he took her life. She should have watched out for that scythe.’”

  “Where’d you hear that?” I asked. “It’s actually kind of… beautiful.”

  “Read it on a tombstone in Ireland a few years back. The poem may be lovely but death is not, Tam.”

  “I wasn’t planning on dying, Peter. I just wanted to borrow a little strength or find an unexpected edge. I’m not going to do anything stupid. I’m not going to make anyone else suffer.”

  “You already have,” Peter murmured and rubbed his hands across his face. I could barely make out his words so I didn’t comment.

  What little of the afternoon light remained was fading fast. Thin fingers of fog were beginning to poke through the ground cover and settle in the little valleys of the cemetery like heavy hands. The temperature had dropped again, and our breath leached away on the light breeze.

  “I would do anything to protect you, Tam. From Joel. From vampires. But I can’t save you from yourself.” He brought my hands up, his lips grazing the backs of my hands, before setting them back down into my lap. “Don’t do anything rash. Please just walk away from all of this.”

  He waited for a response, the snow drifting down around us to land lightly on our jackets. Dusk had nearly overtaken the island, bringing with its darkness a quieting of the winds. The flakes now swirled in the easy breeze rather than pelting us as it had earlier.

  He stood, punching a few keys into his cell phone, and I knew he had to go. No doubt his parishioners needed him more than me. I wanted to reassure him before he left that I wasn’t as foolish as he thought. Tell him I’d listen to him for once; I’d walk away from all of this craziness. That I’d leave with him now, book a flight at the airport and get the hell out of here.

  But the tether of the trap I’d set for myself held me firmly to the bench. Beyond the confines of the hallowed ground waited the stream of Adrik’s consciousness, and the knowledge that I’d never be free of him weighed heavily on my mind. What would it be like to face his cries for mercy on a daily basis until I took my final breath? Would insanity eventually deliver me to him just so I wouldn’t have to listen? How long could I last when I hadn’t even been able to make it through this morning?

  Peter waited patiently, giving me plenty of time to make the right decision; I avoided his gaze. Instead, I studied the new bundle of lilies on Mom’s grave. Orange lilies, they were my favorite, and it struck me then how odd it was for anyone who knew Mom to have placed them on her grave. Her favorite color was pink. It had been the one girlie thing about her. One end of a pale yellow card lifted on the breeze, and I pulled it out of the paperclip holding it to the ribbon.

  I scanned it quickly, expecting a distant relative or one of her church friends. I’d send them a thank-you note for thinking of Mom. “Some things are worth falling for,” the note read in a too-neat print.

  The hair on my neck stood up while a tingling began in the center of my chest, expanding outward and trailing down my arms and legs. My skin went cold and flashed to hot. Sweat beaded under my arms and between my legs. Nausea cramped my bowels and gripped my throat.

  Joel had often left me speechless, and this time was no exception. Six little words that would prove nothing. To anybody except me. But they were meant for me, weren’t they?

  “Tam, did you hear me?” Peter asked, breaking the silence that had overtaken me.

  Plastering a fake smile on my face, I smiled at Peter, knowing what I had to do.

  “Peter, I didn’t realize how much I missed this place until I came back. How much I missed you. How much I will miss you.” I paused, letting my words sink in. “I’m going to take your advice and catch the next flight out to Seattle tonight. I didn’t look back the first time I left, but this time, I won’t be able to stop looking back.”

  Part of what I said was true. I would miss him. I would miss Sitka, but not because I was leaving. I just didn’t plan on being a part of it for much longer. In the moments it took to read the card on the flowers, my mind had been made up. I was very ready, just like Adrik said I would be.

  But I needed to know that Peter wouldn’t worry about me and that he wouldn’t try to save me. That he’d be safe. He was the one person who still meant anything to me.

  “Part of me is jealous, Tam. You know how badly I wanted to leave here. How I wanted to change the predestined course of my life,” Peter answered.

  And I did know. It was the exact reason I’d avoided him like the plague when we were teens. I’d craved freedom from the predictable. “You still have time,” I urged. “Take your own advice. Start a new life somewhere else and find that adventure you always talked about when we were teens.” I wanted him to be safe and how much simpler it would be if he left this island.

  He smiled but shook his head no. “I guess I’ve truly became my old man. I’ve learned to appreciate the predestined plan, and this is where I’m meant to be. Just like my father and his father before him. All the way back to when Sitka was first settled.”

  That’s a long, long time to be stuck here, I thought to myself, and no sooner than I did, I saw my friend with new clarity. “You can trace your p
astoral lineage back to the founding days of the city.” I spoke my thoughts aloud.

  Nodding, he answered, “Yeah. Imagine trying to break that mold.”

  I smiled at my good fortune, knowing I could ensure his safety now. Standing, I took one of his large hands in mine, tracing the curves of his lined palms. “I came back to find some peace about Mom, but I found you instead. I’m glad you were here with her when I wasn’t, and I can’t ever thank you enough for that. If I could make a wish, it would be to have the last ten years back. I wouldn’t let you go again, Peter. I made some really big mistakes, but letting you go had to be the biggest one of all.”

  I studied his face in the waning light, attempting to burn the image into my mind. This is the way I wanted to remember Peter. Youthful. Strong. The green of his eyes. He started to bring my hands to his lips but instead, I lifted my arms to his face and pulled his mouth to mine. I kissed him with all the passion that he deserved for the last decade and for all the years that we’d never get to spend together. He returned my embrace, pulling me in close to his body with powerful arms.

  For those brief moments, I didn’t think of Joel or Mom. Or what could have been or what would never be. I didn’t think of the cold ground or the tombstones around us. I just let Peter hold me for the last time.

  “You need to go,” he said matter-of-factly as he pulled away. “There should be a few seats left on the nine o’clock circuit flight.”

  “I know. You go on. I’m going to say goodbye to Mom and Dad one last time.” I motioned to their graves, tears brewing. I looked away quickly so I could hide my emotions. They were too strong, and I feared he’d see through my façade.

  “Call me when you get to Seattle. I’m not letting you get away so easily this time. It should have been me instead of Joel,” Peter said, his voice strained. He squeezed my hand, kissed me lightly on the lips and turned to walk towards his car.

  “I won’t call for a while. I’m not going to take the chance that Peter will use you, somehow, to get to me. Like he did with Mom. We’ll find each other again when this thing with Joel is all blown over.”