Something in her voice must have sounded convincing, because he sat up in bed and stared down at her face. “An affair!” he practically spat. “You’re not that type, Laurel. Don’t try to pretend that you are.”
“I’m here in your bed, aren’t I?” she asked in a calm, reasonable voice. “That should be proof enough that I’m not waiting for marriage.”
Reaching across her, he switched on a lamp resting on the nightstand. As he sat up, the circle of light illuminated his face and Laurel could see he was incensed. His jaw was tight, his lips clamped to a thin line.
“Why are you doing this to me? To yourself? We just made love, Laurel. And don’t try to tell me it was just sex. I know when a woman is having ‘just sex.’ Brooke taught me that much! And that’s not what I felt with you.”
Looking away from him, she shut her eyes tightly. “Okay, Russ, I do feel something for you and maybe it is love. But love doesn’t fix everything.” Opening her eyes, she twisted her head back around so that she could look up at him. “If I had years to try to explain, I doubt that would be enough time. Because—well, I can’t explain how I feel.”
The tension on his face suddenly eased and he gently rubbed his hand up and down her arm. “Maybe you should try.”
Feeling as though a dead weight had fallen to the pit of her stomach, Laurel scooted off the bed and began to gather up her clothing. “Look, Russ, I’ve told you enough about my family life for you to see that it wasn’t pretty. My dad was never really one of those stand-up guys who took care of things and met his responsibilities as a husband or father. Oh, he worked and paid the bills, but other than that it was my mom who kept the family emotionally connected. When she left—I was so young, and my sister desperately needed someone to care for her and reassure her. I had to be that someone.”
She stepped into her skirt, then zipped it closed at the back. While she tugged her top over her head, Russ asked, “What about your brother? Surely he cared about his sisters.”
Snorting with disgust, she wrapped the belt around her waist. “Garth was just like Dad. There, but always detached and living in his own little world. After Mom left, I honestly don’t think either of them knew what to do.” She buckled the belt, then paused to look at him. “I guess what I’m trying to say is—I never got to be a child, so how could I possibly know how to raise one. I don’t even want to try!”
“Why? Because you’re afraid if you have a child it might die? Like your sister died?”
His questions were like a knife blade sinking into the middle of her chest. Pain radiated up her throat and down both arms, and when she spoke, her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
“Maybe. That’s part of it. And maybe I poured so much caretaking and love into Lainey that there just isn’t anything left in me to give to a child of my own.”
He scooted off the bed, and Laurel felt sick and weak as his hand closed around her upper arm. She realized she must sound very bitter and selfish, and even more, cowardly. But it was better that he understood her feelings now rather than later.
“Tell that to someone else, Laurel. Because I sure as hell don’t believe it. For five years I’ve seen you nurse and nurture and love every animal we came in contact with, even the mean ones that lashed out at you. You have plenty of love to give to me and the children we could have. You’re just too afraid to try.”
Feeling as though she could hardly argue that point, she turned her back to him. “And why shouldn’t I be afraid?” she muttered. “Lainey died of a blood disease, and me being her twin makes it a possibility that I could develop it, too!”
The grip on her arm eased. “Is that what doctors have told you? That you have a high risk of getting the same thing?”
“No. None of them call it a high risk. But on the other hand, none of the doctors I’ve talked to can completely assure me that I’ll remain free of the disease.” She whirled back around to him. “Don’t you see, Russ? I’m risky business. It wouldn’t be fair to you, or any man for that matter, to put such uncertainty in your life. And it certainly wouldn’t be good for a child. God knows, I understand what it’s like to lose my mother. And so do you. I can’t bear to think of putting a child through that sort of torture.”
Nuzzling his face against the side of her hair, he said gently, “Oh, Laurel, Laurel. I can appreciate your fears. But as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have a good argument. Okay, so you haven’t had a perfect childhood. And it’s likely that health issues do run in your family genes. You’re just one of millions facing the same sort of problems.”
Easing slightly back, she stared at him in stunned wonder. “How could you be so dismissive, so casual about it all? You can’t understand! If you did you wouldn’t—”
A mixture of anger and disgust tightened his features. “Don’t start that with me, Laurel! Don’t act like you’re the only human being that’s ever dealt with a broken home life or the loss of a loved one. What the hell do you think I’ve gone through, a picnic? I know all about watching a loved one die and feeling totally lost and helpless. And I’ve gone through my share of loving and losing and betrayal. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to lie down and give up.”
She jerked her arm away from his grip. “You have to be the most—insensitive man that’s walked this earth!”
“Why? Because I won’t coddle you, stroke the top of your head and say poor, poor Laurel, your life was over before it could ever get started? If you’re expecting that from me, then you’ve got me confused with someone else.”
“No! I don’t want your sympathy. In fact, I don’t want anything from you.”
Fighting the urge to cry, she found her boots and tugged them on. A few steps away, Russ jerked on his jeans and shirt.
“Well, let me tell you something, Laurel. If all you want from me is an affair, then forget it. I happen to believe I’m better than that. I happen to believe I deserve a woman who wants to love me and be my wife. One who would gladly bear my children. I won’t settle for less.”
It was all Laurel could do to keep from breaking into sobs, but as she turned to face him, she swallowed them down and squared her shoulders. “Aren’t you expecting too much too soon from me? We’ve only just now become lovers. Now you’re wanting to leap into marriage and babies. Why?”
“Why not?” he shot back at her. “It’s not like we’re strangers, Laurel. My Lord, we’ve been practically side by side for the past five years and gone through everything imaginable together. We might not have been aware of each other’s past family history, but we know what kind of people we are now. And most of all, we love each other. We belong together. And not as just two people who sometimes sleep together, but as man and wife.”
She was suddenly trembling. “Do we? Then why did it take you five years to realize it?”
Closing the short space between them, he wrapped his big hands around her shoulders. “Okay, Laurel, I’m guilty of having my head stuck in the sand. Or maybe I should say stuck in my work. That night I kissed you for the first time, I went home thinking what a blind idiot I’d been. And then I started thinking about all the time that I’ve wasted—all the time that we could have been together.”
His admission left her far more thoughtful than angry, and she studied his face as her mind whirled for answers. “You got all of that from one kiss? Come on, Russ. I’m inexperienced, but I’m not that naive.”
A grimace tightened his lips. “Okay. Maybe it was more than just the kiss that got me thinking.”
Dropping his hands from her shoulders, he moved away from her and over to the window. As he pushed the curtain aside, Laurel could see the night sky was nearly white with snowfall. The sight left her chilled, but not nearly as cold as leaving Russ’s arms.
“Like what?”
When he didn’t answer immediately, Laurel strode over to where he stood. He looked away from the window and around to her.
“Several things all rolled together,” he said.
&n
bsp; His evasive answer caused her jaw to tighten with frustration. “Do you want to know what I was thinking whenever you told me about this job change? I wasn’t thinking you needed to ease your hours or get away from the public demand. I thought it had something to do with a woman.”
Turning away from the window, he studied her for long moments and then he said, “In a way you’re right. It was a woman. And the woman wasn’t you. Not at first.”
Laurel felt as though he’d struck her. “What does that mean?” she asked, then swiftly shook her head. “Never mind. I don’t think I want to hear this.”
She turned away from him, but his hand caught her arm and urged her back.
“I wasn’t going to say anything about this. Because I wasn’t sure how you’d take it, or if you’d even understand. But now I see that I need to tell you.”
Staring at him, she waited for him to continue.
“A couple of months ago—just before Christmas, I’d stopped by the Blue Mesa for lunch. While I was there I spotted Brooke—eating with some friends of hers.”
“Your ex-wife? She was back in Ruidoso?”
He nodded. “As you might guess, it was a shock to see her.”
Laurel felt as though the breath was being squeezed from her lungs. “Did you speak to her?”
“I didn’t plan to. But she happened to see me as she passed my table. We exchanged hellos and she asked me how I was doing.” The corners of his mouth turned downward. “I didn’t have to ask how her life had been going. She appeared to be at least seven or eight months pregnant.”
Laurel gasped. “Pregnant! But you told me she didn’t want to have children.”
“She didn’t. Not with me.” His head swung back and forth. “Seeing her like that opened my eyes, Laurel. In ways you can’t imagine.”
Unconsciously, she pressed a hand to the ache in the middle of her chest. “Why? Because you wished she was still your wife? That it was your baby she was carrying?”
“No! Hell no.”
Dazed, she turned and walked back over to the bed. Sinking weakly onto the edge, she shook her head. “Oh God, Russ, do you know how all of this sounds? Like you saw your ex-wife and realized you had to settle for me. Well, I might seem easy to you, but I’m not a substitute!”
Rushing over to her, he tugged her to her feet. “Laurel, that’s not what any of this means! Seeing her made me recognize all the mistakes I’d made in the past. Even worse, the mistakes I was still making. That’s when I decided I had to change things. My job—my life. And then when you said you might not come here to the ranch with me, I realized just how lost I’d be without you.”
“How convenient for you that I was willing to tag along,” she said, her voice flat and empty. “That I fell into your bed like a pathetic spinster.”
“Laurel, you haven’t listened to a thing I’ve said!”
“Excuse me, Russ, but I’ve listened to all I’m going to.” Pulling away from him, she hurried from the bedroom. Out in the living room, she snatched her coat from the closet and was tugging it on when he walked into the room.
“What are you going to do, Laurel? Run from me? From everything that scares you?”
“You don’t want me, Russ. You want a wife and a baby.” With the hood of her coat fastened tightly beneath her chin, she strode purposely toward the front door. Russ followed close on her heels.
“And what do you want, Laurel?” He flung the question at her. “Maybe you should think about that long and hard.”
Not bothering to answer, she jerked open the door and stepped out into the snowy night.
Normally Laurel was quite comfortable with the cold weather here in the mountains of Lincoln County. But this evening the confrontation with Russ had sucked every bit of warmth from her body. By the time she got to her house, she was literally shivering.
Inside, she quickly turned up the thermostat, then after shedding her coat, hurried to the fireplace to build a fire. As she stacked the paper and kindling, she tried not to think about the night Russ had shown her how to start the flames and keep them going. She didn’t want to remember how special that evening had been, when they’d made love for the very first time.
And ever since that night, she’d been agonizing over the fact that she wasn’t good enough to be Russ’s wife. That she didn’t have the right background or a strong enough constitution to be the woman who could make him happy. But now she could see those things were the least of her problems. He’d seen his pregnant ex-wife and had suddenly decided he wanted a family for himself. Laurel just happened to be the nearest female for him to latch onto.
So what are you crying about, Laurel? You’ve been telling him and yourself that you didn’t want him to love you. That you wanted to keep your relationship casual. Now you’re feeling betrayed. You need to get a grip!
Russ was right about one thing, she thought, as she stuck a burning match to the kindling. She needed to decide what she really wanted in her life. A family with him or a safe, solitary existence.
Chapter Eleven
The next morning, several inches of snow was on the ground, and as seemed to happen with storms and weather changes, animals chose that time to give birth. As a result, three of the young heifers that had been prematurely bred needed assistance in calving. Thankfully, none of them needed cesareans, but all three births were difficult, requiring Russ and Laurel to do lots of physical pulling.
Between the birthing and tending the sick, quarantined cattle, Russ had very little opportunity to ponder on all that had happened between him and Laurel last night. Not that thinking would help matters, he thought grimly. He’d already spent most of last night trying to stop his mind from spinning with thoughts about the woman, and he still couldn’t quit trying to make sense of her reaction.
She’d misconstrued the whole thing about Brooke, but, damn it, Russ wasn’t going to start having regrets about telling her. He wanted everything between him and Laurel to be open and honest. After having a wife who’d deceived and hidden the truth from him, he wouldn’t settle for anything less.
“How are they doing, Russ? Think they’re going to make it?”
At the sound of Maccoy’s voice, Russ turned away from the cow to see the older man standing just outside the pen, leaning against a fence post.
Russ ambled tiredly over to the man he’d worked with for the past twelve years. He supposed Maccoy was the closest thing he’d ever had to a father, and that included the uncle he’d lived with after his mother’s death.
“Better today. Even the sickest ones are getting better, but it’s going to take some time before they’ll be well enough to turn back out to pasture.”
“Well, at least they’re going to make it,” Maccoy remarked. “I’m not sure I can say the same for you, though. You look like hell.”
Russ swiped a weary hand over his face. “It’s been a long day, that’s all.”
“Yeah, you’ve been damned busy since you got here to the ranch. Are you regrettin’ the move?”
Off to their left, he could see Laurel walking down the alleyway of the barn, toward their office. This morning when he’d arrived to work, she was already here, drinking coffee with Maccoy. She’d greeted him warmly enough, and throughout the day she’d followed his orders to the letter, without one complaint or disagreement. But even when she’d been working close at his side, her coolness had been so tangible he’d expected ice to form on her clothing.
“No. Are you?”
“Hell no! This is a breeze for me. Didn’t even have to scrape the snow off my truck this morning. Just walked over from the bunkhouse.”
He grinned tiredly at the older man, then called out to Laurel before she got too far away to hear him.
Turning abruptly on her heel, she walked back to where the two men stood at the small cattle pen. Sidling up to Maccoy, she darted a glance at Russ before purposely setting her gaze on the penned cattle.
“You need something?” she asked.
Yes, I need for you to be reasonable, to realize how much we need to be together. But even if he did dare to speak those words in front of Maccoy, they wouldn’t make an impact on her. No, he was going to have to come up with something more than talk to make her see they belonged together.
“Yes,” he said aloud. “I want you to change the water in this trough and add more electrolytes. Enough to treat each cow at eight hundred pounds weight volume. And don’t let them drink until you get it thoroughly mixed. You might need to get one of the cowboys to help you.”
Maccoy frowned at him. “What’s the matter with you helping her?”
It wasn’t like the older man to question Russ’s orders, and he wondered if Maccoy had already guessed that something more personal was going on between him and Laurel.
“Laramie and the hands just brought in another heifer that’s close to calving. She’s penned outside the barn. I’ve got to go deal with her.”
“Damn, must be a full moon,” Maccoy remarked. “All the females around here are getting stirred up.”
“You can say that again,” Russ muttered.
From the corner of his eye, he watched Laurel cut a sharp gaze in his direction. “Yeah, blame it on the moon,” she said dryly. “For your information, it’s in the first quarter. That’s how much you men know about it.”
Russ let himself out of the pen and paused near her shoulder. “Maybe I should have studied the calendar last night and I might have been prepared.”
She turned and stalked off. His jaw tight, Russ watched her go. “I’ll be outside with the heifer,” he said to Maccoy, then moved away from the pen.
In spite of his bowed back and gimpy leg, Maccoy somehow managed to keep up with Russ’s long stride as the two men made their way toward the barn exit.
“What’s up with you and Laurel? She don’t act too happy.”
“That’s because she isn’t,” Russ snapped.
“Oh.” After they’d traveled several steps, Maccoy added, “Well, I got the impression she liked it here on the Chaparral.”
The Doctor's Calling Page 15
