Ah Cannae Tell a Lie

by Harry Morris

  It appears, according to the police casualty surgeon that she had become so excited while watching the movie that she had unfortunately suffered a massive heart attack, which was to prove fatal.

  After making the necessary arrangements and obtaining enough information for a report, Dick instructed the police in Edinburgh to call at her elderly mother’s home and deliver the death message, although we made no mention of how she was found, in order to spare her embarrassment.

  So a word of warning to all you ladies out there: if you ever decide to behave in this way, just make sure your heart is in good condition – and remember, that banging at the door just might be a police officer, sent by your mother to check you’re alright!

  Drink!

  …

  One Tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!

  Devine Intervention

  …

  It’s amazing, but nobody ever makes a complaint about a man of the cloth.

  For example, having received a call from the local priest, regarding him retaining a youth whom he had just caught spray-painting graffiti on the chapel wall, a panda car was despatched to attend.

  On their arrival at the manse, the officers were invited in by the housekeeper, and offered some tea or coffee.

  The officers explained their reason for attending and the housekeeper said, ‘I’m making it for Father Devine, so you might as well join him, he’ll be back in a minute!’

  Father Devine appeared and sat down with the officers to enjoy his tea, during which he told the officers about what had occurred. He added that they were not to rush their tea; he wasn’t going anywhere.

  ‘So where is he now?’ one of the officers asked, intrigued by the priest’s casual attitude.

  ‘He’s just outside in the garage waiting for you!’ Father Devine said.

  The priest then led them into the garage, where they found the ned with his hands tied behind his back with cord, and a rather colourful tie round his neck, placed there by the priest, and trapped in the passenger-door window of his car to prevent him from escaping.

  Knife, Fork And Yuck!

  …

  This is a story with a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organisation and it’s aimed at all of you diners out there who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster and more efficient.

  Last week several police officers on a shift night out booked a table at a new restaurant.

  Whilst perusing the menu, it was obvious that the waiter noting down the meal order was carrying a spoon in his breast shirt pocket.

  It appeared a little strange.

  However, when another waiter approached the table with a jug of water and some utensils, he too had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

  As they looked around the restaurant, they saw that all the waiting staff had spoons in their breast shirt pockets.

  When the waiter returned to serve the first course of soup, one of the cops asked, ‘Why the spoon in your pocket?’

  ‘Well!’ the waiter replied. ‘The restaurant owner hired a consulting agency to revamp all our processes with regards to time and motion, and after several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil and it represents a dropped frequency of approximately three spoons per table, per hour.

  Therefore, if the restaurant personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save at least twelve man hours per shift!’

  As luck would have it, one of the cops dropped his spoon and the waiter was able to replace it immediately with his spare one.

  ‘I’ll get another spoon the next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get one right now.’

  The cop was impressed, but also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s trouser fly.

  Then, looking around the room, he noticed that all of the waiters had a string hanging from their trouser fly. So, before he walked off, the cop asked him, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you all have that string dangling from your trouser fly?’

  ‘Certainly, sir!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is as observant as you, but the same consulting agency I mentioned to you earlier also discovered that we can save time in the restroom by tying this piece of string on to the tip of your penis, and you use the string to pull it out from your trousers without having to touch it, thereby eliminating the time needed to wash your hands and, as a result, shortening the time spent in the restroom by almost eighty per cent.’

  The cop thought about what he had been told and then asked, ‘So after you have taken your penis out, how do you put it back inside your trousers?’

  ‘Well!’ the waiter whispered. ‘I can’t speak for the others, but I personally use the spoon!’

  Jackie Wilson Said

  …

  Two old guys were reminiscing with some of the younger guys in the pub, telling stories from their past, about the time when they were at the height of their career as a couple of thieves, but more commonly referred to as ‘housebreakers’.

  No one’s premises were safe with these two old codgers residing in the area nearby, and double glazing, alarms and the odd watch dog were not a guaranteed deterrent for them either.

  However, the men were relating a story about where it had gone wrong, for a change!

  Apparently they had set a plan to break into a newsagents’ shop and steal a large haul of cigarettes, tobacco and the contents of the small money safe at the rear of the shop.

  Everything went like clockwork, as they silenced the alarm system with foam prior to entering the shop, then once inside they filled their bags with the goodies they came for, along with the proceeds from the safe.

  Leaving the premises by the same route, they were about to walk back out onto the street and disappear, when Jackie stopped George in his tracks and said, ‘Get back, George!’

  George immediately reacted to Jackie’s warning.

  ‘What is it, Jackie?’ he asked.

  ‘There’s a couple of plainclothes coppers sitting in a motor outside. They must have got a tip off and are sitting watching the place!’ Jackie replied.

  ‘What will we do?’ George asked.

  Jackie thought for a moment, trying to think of an answer.

  ‘There’s nothing else for it. We’ll just have to wait them out and hope that they get fed up sitting about and leave.’

  Both men concealed themselves behind some boarding as they played the waiting game with the police officers in the car outside.

  Almost an hour later, and beginning to suffer from the early cold morning, Jackie decided to pop his head out and take a look to see what was happening, but the disappointment was etched across his face as he turned to George.

  ‘The bastards are still there, sitting in their fancy motor. Probably got the heating up full as well, while we’re out here freezing our balls off!’

  ‘Maybe they’re sleeping, Jackie?’ George said.

  ‘Nae chance! I can see the back of their heids; they’re both sitting upright!’

  Nearly three hours later, it was starting to get light, but they were still hiding behind the boarding with their haul, freezing with the cold, with Jackie periodically checking to see if the police were still staking out the shop.

  ‘Ah cannae believe I’m sitting here freezing my arse off, with a bag full of fags and tobacco and I cannae even have a smoke!’ George said, unable to light up in case the cops saw the smoke.

  ‘What time is it now?’ Jackie asked.

  George checked his watch.

  ‘Twenty past five! How, have you got work tae go tae?’ he replied jokingly.

  ‘Naw! But the paper man has and he’ll be arriving soon tae open his shop, totally unaware that we’ve already opened it up for him and helped ourselves tae all of his snout!’

  ‘Shit! So he will. We better GTF afore he arrives,’ George said. ‘Take another look out and see
what they’re doing!’

  Jackie checked out front, before announcing the bad news.

  ‘Still there! Ye’d think they would give up!’ he said. Then he added, ‘There’s only one thing for it. We dump the fags and walk out like nothing’s happened.’

  ‘What! A’ the fags?’ George replied.

  ‘Aye, a’ the fags. Then, if they stop us, we’ve got nothing on us,’ said Jackie.

  Reluctantly, they left their haul of fags and tobacco and casually walked out, past the police car, where Jackie gave a fleeting glance to the side before exclaiming, ‘Bastard!’

  What he’d thought was a police car with two plain-clothed police officers inside turned out to be an ordinary family car with two upright headrests in the front seats.

  Jackie looked round at a bewildered George and stated apologetically, ‘Honest tae fuck, George. I thought they were coppers from the back!’

  Their immediate thought was to return to the rear of the shop and regain their discarded stash.

  Unfortunately for them, timing is everything, and as they were about to do so, the newsagent drove up and stopped outside his shop just in the nick of time, before they could act.

  And it was now time for our two tired, freezing, bungling housebreakers to head off, before the shopkeeper discovered the break-in and raised the alarm, whereby real cops would attend.

  I believe they have a good laugh about it now, but I bet it wasn’t funny at the time!

  Freezing cold, tired and empty handed, but worst of all, foiled by two car headrests. That was a first!

  Do Your Best

  …

  An elderly man appeared in court as the accused and was subsequently found ‘Guilty’ of his crime.

  After learning of his criminal record as a habitual offender, the Sheriff gave him a stiff sentence.

  ‘I’ll never live long enough to do that!’ said the elderly man.

  To which the Sheriff replied in a sympathetic voice, ‘Well, just do what you can!’

  Ze Wrong Answer!

  …

  Robertson was a Stipendiary Magistrate who held this position at the Partick Marine District Court in the early seventies.

  He was a man with a reputation for being very fair, but also firm.

  One particular day, a proud war veteran and former tank commander in the armoured corps appeared before him.

  His name was Stanislaw, a Polish migrant charged with offences relating to breach of the peace and assaulting his wife.

  As things stood, it was not looking good for Mr Stanislaw, for he had a record of previous offences for similar acts, and his solicitor was of the opinion that he was looking at a custodial sentence.

  The solicitor defending him obtained a background report and ascertained that Stanislaw had settled in Scotland at the end of World War Two, and knowing that the magistrate, Mr Robertson, had a proud war record himself, he asked his client in which section of the military he had served during the war.

  ‘I was in ze tanks division,’ Stanislaw proudly announced.

  ‘That’s absolutely brilliant!’ his solicitor replied. ‘For a minute there, I thought you were looking at the jail. Leave this to me; you will walk out of here with probation. No problem!’

  The solicitor confidently submitted his plea of ‘Guilty’, and then went on to describe his plea of mitigation, summarising his client’s antecedents, and promising the court that Mr Stanislaw intended to seek counselling for his drink problem and so on, then he threw in the trump card by referring to his client’s military service in the armoured corps during the war.

  At this, the magistrate’s ears pricked up and he enquired, ‘The armoured corps, did you say?’

  He then indicated for the accused to stand up, which he did immediately.

  ‘Which branch of the armoured corps were you in?’ he asked the accused.

  Stanislaw immediately came to attention, clicking his heels together and blurted out, loud and clear, ‘Ze Panzer Division!’

  It appears he had been captured by the Germans at the beginning of the war and, as a result, was forced to serve in the infamous German tank regiment.

  Unfortunately, this answer did not go down well with the magistrate, who had proudly served his country during the war, and therefore followed up with the words, ‘Sixty days! Take him away.’

  Family Values

  …

  My old mate Ian Taylor was working in the Easterhouse area of Glasgow, and one day he called at a house there while in possession of an arrest warrant for a male, believed to be residing at that address.

  He knocked on the door and after it was answered by the female householder, he made her aware of the warrant.

  The female informed him that the person he was seeking no longer stayed there.

  At that, Ian asked if he could check the house for himself.

  The female invited him inside and as he entered the hallway he nearly broke his ankle, due to the floorboards having been removed in part of the hallway.

  As he entered the living room area, which was very sparsely furnished, he couldn’t help but notice a large colour TV situated in a very unusual position in the room, halfway along the back wall.

  It was while standing there, looking at the TV, that he could feel eyes on him and casually looked over his shoulder to see a craggy-faced old man staring straight at him through a big hole in the middle of the wall opposite.

  Startled by the unexpected appearance of the elderly man, peering at him through the hole, Ian looked at the female for an explanation.

  At which point, she threw her arms out to the side and said, ‘That’s my Da! He’s bedridden and his telly broke down yesterday, so we just knocked a hole in the wall wi’ a hammer, so that he could watch our TV as well!’

  Fore!

  …

  Four senior police officers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and, without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round of golf.

  His buddies all chimed in.

  ‘Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority and figure out a way to meet here, early on Christmas morning.’

  Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they all are on the first tee of the golf course. The first cop says, ‘Man, this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring so that she couldn’t take her eyes off it.’

  The second cop says, ‘I spent a packet as well. My wife is at home planning the cruise I promised her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures when I left.’

  The third cop says, ‘Well my wife is at home admiring her new convertible sports car and reading the owner’s manual.’

  They all turn their heads to look at the last cop in the group, who is staring back at them like they have lost their minds.

  ‘I can’t believe that you all went to such expense for this game of golf. I just got up this morning, slapped my wife on the arse and said, “Well, darling, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning and I’m right in the mood for some hot sex or a game of golf.”’

  ‘So what happened?’ his colleagues asked.

  To which he replied, ‘She turned her back on me and said, “Mind and take a sweater with you!”’

  Fact or Fiction?

  …

  Brief scenario: Tommy won’t sit still in class and his behaviour is disrupting all the other students.

  Back in the 1960s, Tommy would have been sent to the Headmaster’s office and given a good tongue lashing accompanied by six of the belt. After which he would be returned to his class, where he would sit still and not disrupt the class again.

  Present day, Tommy would be prescribed huge doses of the drug Ritalin, receive numerous sessions of time-consuming counselling, and be tested for Attention Deficit Disorder. The school would receive extra funding due to his disability, after which he would drop out of school and become a zombie, living on state
benefits for the rest of his life!

  Fact or fiction?

  Don’t Think So!

  …

  With the police promotion exams fast approaching, an ambitious young sergeant was making enquiries as to where he could get his hands on a set of past exam CDs to assist him.

  With modern technology at hand, he searched on the internet and very soon found the CDs he required.

  However, he encountered some problems when it came to ordering them from the seller, who was none too pleased with the buyer’s request, following their rather brief conversation regarding the items.

  I’m informed the conversation went along these lines:

  ‘Hello there!’ the young sergeant said. ‘I was just wondering if it would be possible to lay my hands on some copies of the Fraud papers for a reasonable price?’

  ‘What do you mean by copies?’ the seller asked.

  ‘Well I already have the 2007 set and really don’t want to have to buy them again, but I need to re-sit my Inspector Part 1 again!’ he explained.

  To which the seller courteously and understandably replied, ‘No! Certainly not! That would be a contravention of the Copyright Laws, and bear in mind your current position as a serving police sergeant. All officers of the law, regardless of their rank, must be of good character, with honesty and integrity.

  With all due respect to you, Sergeant, you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself to even consider asking such a thing of me, and you should know better!’

  At that, the telephone was promptly put down.

  I wonder if this request to have the discs copied was the reason for him having to sit his test again?

  Tut! Tut!

  Lucky Jim