“No, I have to work to do.” My words were so slurred that even I could tell they didn’t sound right.
“Not today, honey.” My mother took my arm and led me towards the garage. “You need to sleep this off.”
I was lucky I didn’t end up in a morgue with my motorcycle wrapped around a telephone pole before I made it to work. I could barely stand. I collapsed on the couch and felt the darkness wrapping around my brain. It wasn’t sleep, I was just passing out from drinking so much whiskey. I fought it because I wanted to embrace the pain that had stabbed my heart to pieces, but there was no way to do it. I typed out a message to Johanna and finally drifted into the blackness of a dreamless sleep. She hadn’t returned my calls, but I thought she might respond to a text message. If nothing else, I just wanted to know she was okay.
“CODY.” I HEARD MY mother’s voice and felt her shaking me. “We’re going to close up for the night. Do you want to come home with us?”
“What? No, I’ll head back to my apartment.” I sat up and felt agony as my skull throbbed with a hangover. “Okay, maybe not.”
“Come on.” My mother helped me stand and I put my hand to my head as I followed her towards her car.
I ate dinner with them and then I was ready for bed again. I wanted a drink more than I wanted sleep, but I didn’t think my body could handle it. I had definitely danced on the threshold of alcohol poisoning. I lay alone in the darkness, feeling nothing but anger and despair. I was almost at the point of actual sleep when I saw my phone light up. My senses instantly returned and I sat up on the edge of the bed. I stared at the screen and my eyes got wide. Johanna had messaged me. It was a long one.
Cody, you have to stop calling. You have to stop messaging me. We had fun and I’ll never forget you, but it’s over. You have to understand that I was just a girl running from my problems. It was never going to be my life. I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that my heart ultimately belongs to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. I strayed from him. You were nothing more than a sin, and I’m back where I belong. By the time you read this, I will have blocked your number. Please don’t ever try to contact me again.
It wasn’t just goodbye. It was a soul crushing goodbye. Her first message had been short and to the point. Her latest message elaborated in a way that almost made me wish I had never read it. I quickly typed out a response. It was just the word wait. I hoped it would stop her from blocking me, but a second later I got a message that her number was no longer accepting messages from me. Anger manifested itself and I definitely wanted to smash something, but I managed to control my emotions. I was still trying to control that anger when morning came and it was time to go back to work.
“DID YOU GET SOME REST?” My mother looked up from her newspaper as I walked into the kitchen.
“No.” I poured a cup of coffee and started guzzling it, not even caring that it burned the taste buds off my tongue.
“I’m sorry.” She put down her newspaper. “You’ve never been in love before, have you?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation.” I poured a second cup of coffee and picked up a piece of toast that my mother had prepared.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be a negative statement. You never seemed to get emotionally attached to any of the girls you dated. Honestly, I wasn’t sure you would ever settle down.” She sighed deeply and shook her head.
“Now that I’ve seen what it gets me, that option is permanently closed.” I chewed on my toast and washed it down with coffee.
“I know your father and I didn’t give you the best example of marriage or love growing up. Your father is a challenging man and you definitely take after him. You have to know that we love each other very much.” The edge of her mouth turned to a half-smile.
“He treats you like shit.” I scoffed at what she said.
“That’s just how he shows affection. I know it doesn’t make sense, but people can still be in love without it being sweet or romantic like you see on television.” She stood and walked over to me. “Don’t totally give up on love, Cody. This is going to hurt for a while, but that doesn’t mean you should completely swear it off.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I sipped my coffee.
I ended the conversation because I didn’t want to discuss it anymore. What I was feeling was my burden to carry alone. There was a reason I never got attached to women and it wasn’t some attempt to escape emotions. What my mother didn’t know was that my biggest flaw was getting attached too quickly. I did want to find someone, and I wanted a family, despite the awful example I had. I was afraid of exactly what I did—moving too quick and causing them to flee. I allowed myself to believe that things would be different with Johanna. She wasn’t like the women I dated when I was younger, leaving a trail of mistakes in the wake of figuring myself out.
“HEY, GET THE FUCK OUT of here or I’m calling the police!” The superintendent at Johanna’s apartment building looked terrified when I walked into his office.
“Relax, I’m not here to cause anymore damage. I’m here to apologize and pay for the door I smashed.” I held up my hands to show that I was approaching him with neutrality.
“Okay.” He eyed me suspiciously, but he didn’t reach for the phone. “I’ve got the bill right here.”
“This seems to be fair.” I looked at the bill and pulled out my wallet.
“It’s a shame she’s gone, but at least she paid out her lease.” He shrugged as I handed him money.
“She did?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
“Yeah, her father called me yesterday. He said he would be sending a moving company to get her stuff and paid the rest of her lease with his credit card.” He shrugged again. “Most people just disappear in the middle of the night and I never hear from them again.”
“So, have they already cleared out her apartment?” I tilted my head as I spoke.
“No, not yet.” He shook his head back and forth.
“I know you don’t owe me anything, but I did leave a few things in her apartment. I was a bit out of control the last time I was here and I didn’t get them. Would you mind if I grabbed them before the moving company comes?” It was a long shot, but I really did need to see the inside of her apartment one last time—if nothing else, it would help me find closure.
“You’ll probably just smash the door down if I say no. I guess I shouldn’t push my luck and expect you to be generous enough to pay for it again.” He sighed and stood. “Yeah, follow me.”
There wasn’t anything I cared about in her apartment. I just really wanted to have one last look. I grabbed the toothbrush I had used, just so it would look like I had a reason for being there, and started walking around. The schoolgirl outfit was still draped over the edge of the bed. Sex had come to a halt after her father saw her on stage. I was looking forward to rekindling that passion the very moment I got her text message. There was no hint that anything was wrong. If she had laid the outfit on the bed, it appeared that she was looking forward to our evening as well. That would have been after my abrupt proposal.
None of this makes any fucking sense.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and just stared at the floor for several minutes. I had beaten myself up so much that I didn’t have any punches to throw at my damaged soul. I heard a knock at the door and knew it was time to go. The building superintendent wouldn’t be patient for long. I picked up my toothbrush and before I left, I grabbed her bottle of perfume. I sniffed it once and the memories were enough to make me smile despite my despair. I stuffed it into my pocket and left her apartment for the last time.
Goodbye, Johanna. Whatever life you wanted, I’m glad we had our time together. You were definitely my favorite sin.
Chapter 11: Johanna
The house I grew up in had become my prison. The bedroom that had previously only been filled with good memories was my jail cell. The door was bolted shut and bars had been put on my window. I never imagined that my parents would l
iterally keep me as a prisoner. Religion had infected my family. It infected the entire town of Dahlonega and the source of the virus was Reverend Burke. I didn’t see it growing up in a bubble, but once I saw the world outside of Dahlonega, I realized exactly how backwards it truly was.
“Johanna?” My mother’s voice called out from the other side of the door. “I have your dinner.”
“Come in.” I sighed and stared at the door.
There was no hope of escaping. I had tried it a couple of times, but I never made it further than the living room. My punishment for trying to escape both times was a full day without food. I didn’t really feel like eating, but I put a few crumbs down to stave off the nausea. Being left to starve was torture. It solidified the fact that my parents had become slaves to whatever Reverend Burke said. His word was their gospel and it seemed like they cared more about what he said than what was written in the Bible.
“Scott came by again. He really wants to see you.” My mother put my food on the table next to my bed.
“He can go straight to hell.” My words were seething as I spoke.
“Johanna, you know what you have to do to end this.” She sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to take my hand, but I pulled away. “Marry Scott. All will be forgiven. You can find your way back to the Lord.”
“I’m not going to marry him.” I shook my head back and forth, continuing to seethe with a boiling rage.
“Reverend Burke made it very clear. Until you agree to marry Scott, you will stay locked in this room. I don’t want that for you, darling. I know you fell into the temptations of sin, but it’s time for you to grow up.” She tried to take my hand again, but I pulled away and scooted away from her on the bed.
“I grew up more in the time that I was gone than I ever did living here.” I turned my head towards her. “This is bullshit.”
“Don’t talk like that, Johanna.” She recoiled as if I had slapped her with my use of profanity. “That isn’t how you were raised.”
“This isn’t how I was raised.” I motioned to my bedroom. “I’m not marrying Scott.”
“Well...” My mother sighed. “I guess we’ll see how you feel in a week, or a month, or even a year. Reverend Burke said you’ll come around in time. The sin just needs to wear off.”
“Fuck Reverend Burke.” I glared at her as she stood.
“I’m not feeding that filthy mouth.” She grabbed the plate of food and walked towards the door. “If you want to eat, you’ll talk to me like the good, Christian girl you were raised to be.”
The door slammed and I heard it lock. I broke down in tears when she was gone. I wondered what Cody thought of me and if he really believed I had just left him without even saying goodbye. I had been forced to tell the Reno Police Department that I was okay and left willingly in order to keep him from going to jail. My father had taken my cell phone and I knew he had messaged Cody, but I had no idea what he said. I assumed it was something awful.
THERE WAS NO END TO my imprisonment. A week passed. A month followed. By the third one, I was slowly becoming a prisoner to my own thoughts, and even those betrayed me. My meals were brought to me daily. My parents tried to talk to me, but I refused to even speak to them. If I said what I really felt, I would have been starved again. There was a part of me that just wanted to completely stop eating and waste away until death took me, but I refused to give in to the void. It was clear that nothing was going to change and my parents were every bit the monsters Reverend Burke ordered them to be. The madness and loneliness consumed me. There was only one road out of hell and it was going to take every ounce of strength I could muster to walk it.
“Tell Scott I would like to see him.” I looked up at my mother when she brought my food in and put it on the table.
“Of course.” She smiled so wide that it practically engulfed her face. “I knew you would change your mind in time.”
They had won. I was defeated. The girl that ran away to Reno was nothing more than a memory. I no longer woke up feeling like her. I was tired of living my life as a prisoner. I didn’t love Scott, but I was going to have to pretend I did if I ever wanted to see the outside world again. Even if I had to make the world believe it, I wanted Scott to know the truth. I would be defiant in my final hours of freedom. He arrived a short time later and when he stepped into my bedroom, I wanted to attack him. I wanted to claw his eyes out of his skull. I prepared to give the best performance of my life, because the stage was set and he was the only member of the audience.
“Your mother said you wanted to see me.” He pushed the door closed.
“Yes. Thank you for coming.” The words tasted foul in my mouth. “I’m ready to marry you.”
“You are?” His face lit up with a smile.
“But you have to tell me something first.” I stood and lifted my shirt slightly. “Is this really what you want? I’m not the same virgin girl that was going to be your wife.”
“What are you doing?” He stared as I peeled off my shirt, but immediately covered his eyes.
“I’m not pure and innocent anymore.” I squeezed my breasts and glared at him. “Hundreds of men have seen these. My body has been pillaged by lust—I loved it.”
“The doctor said you’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with you, regardless of what you did.” He stammered over his words, continuing to shield his eyes.
“You could have had this anytime you wanted it.” I pushed my pajama pants down, along with my panties. “You could have taken me right there on that bed and I would have given myself to you.”
“It wasn’t right. We needed to be married first.” He continued to stammer.
“Look at me, Scott.” I kicked off my pajama pants and stood in front of him completely naked.
“Not until we’re married.” He shook his head quickly.
“Look at me!” I walked over and pushed his hands away. “You don’t love me, Scott. You don’t even like me.”
“I do! I’ve always loved you.” He blinked a couple of times.
“I know how a man looks when he wants a woman.” I grabbed his flaccid cock through his pants. “I don’t even turn you on.”
“Stop it!” He pulled away immediately.
“You’re gay, aren’t you?” I took a step back and started picking up my clothes.
“What!? No, homosexuality is a sin!” He practically roared with rage at my accusation.
“Scott, I was with you for three years. You never once tried to touch me. You never once showed any passion when we kissed. It was like a chore for you. I knew something wasn’t right, but it took me leaving to put the pieces together.” I started putting my clothes back on as I spoke.
“I was following God’s plan. Things would have been different after we were married.” He started trembling as the initial rage wore off. “God was going to reward me once we said our vows and pledged our life to him.”
“Your father knows, doesn’t he?” I shook my head back and forth in disgust. “That’s why he’s so desperate to have you marry me. He doesn’t care who you marry, he just needs you to marry a woman before you give in to the temptations that he knows will eventually consume you.”
“There are no temptations. God will give me the desires I’m supposed to have when we’re married.” Scott’s words sounded like he was reading from a script.
“You’re a fool.” I sighed deeply. “We’re both victims here. I’ll marry you, Scott. You don’t have to touch me. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t—ever.”
“We have to.” He blinked a couple of times. “How will we have children?”
“Just focus on the wedding for now. We’ll figure the rest of it out together.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “Please leave.”
“I have something for you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out my engagement ring. “The pawn shop called your parents when you didn’t pick it up.”
“Just leave it on the table.” I motioned to the table next to my bed.
> REVEREND BURKE HAD the sheriff stop by and put an ankle bracelet on me before my wedding day. I couldn’t believe that Reverend Burke’s influence had even corrupted our law enforcement. The ankle bracelet made sure that if I did try to run again, it would be very easy to find me. The only place I was going was down the aisle to the altar. My wedding dress still fit, and a week after I agreed to marry Scott, I was standing outside his father’s church. They had recreated the wedding I almost had the first time. Everything looked exactly the same.
“I’m proud of you.” My father walked up and took my hand.
“Let’s get this over with.” I wanted to pull away from him, but I had to let him walk me down the aisle.
“You’ll learn to love him. You’ll learn to be a good wife.” My father smiled faintly.
“Is this what you imagined your daughter’s wedding day would look like? You dragging her down the aisle after keeping her prisoner for months?” I looked over at him and saw him swallow hard.
“I’ve learned not to question God.” He looked at me and shook his head.
“Maybe it’s time you questioned him and everything you believe.” I turned towards the aisle when a piano started playing Here Comes the Bride.
“Not today, darling. Today is the best day of your life.” He started walking and pulled on my arm until I was walking beside him.
There was no option for escape. The entire town was poisoned by Reverend Burke. In a way, I wished my eyes had never been opened to it. If I would have married Scott the first time I walked down the aisle, I would have lived my life in loveless bliss. I would have just thought everything was working the way it was supposed to work. That wasn’t the case anymore. I knew what real love felt like and I would never forget the man that showed it to me. Scott smiled nervously as I approached him. I looked up at Reverend Burke and glared at him as I took my place next to his son.
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