My Misery Muse

by Betzold, Brei

  “You’re right I did, and we both know why. What were you going to do Seth keep the band here in Dallas and keep playing in the small clubs here? Or stand back and watch them leave for LA without you, knowing that you could have been there with them living your dream? You would have ended up hating me for that.”

  “This is an old argument that we will never agree on Devi, so let’s get back to the present, and I mean it I am not walking away from Jaks.” “In fact, we’re here for a few months, I want to get to know him, I want to spend time with him. “

  “Okay, I think he would like that,” I said.

  “So what do you do with him while you work?” he asked.

  “Monday through Friday he goes to daycare, Cris lets me arrange my schedule so it fits with him. When I am working late like today, Jaks either comes to the shop if I won’t be long and hangs out with Jules or Drake picks him up and brings him home and stays with him until I get here. On Saturdays, I only work half days, he spends that time with Drake.”

  ¯¯¯

  I wasn’t surprised by Drake’s helping out his baby sister, but Crispin’s willingness to lend a helping hand bothered me.

  “So what’s going on with you and Cris anyway,” I asked instantly regretting it, I hated how jealous I was over Crispin.

  “We’re just friends,” was her curt reply.

  “Ok if you say so,” I muttered.

  “What’s that supposed to mean Seth?” She barked, “And why do you care, it’s not as if you weren’t out enjoying the wares while you were out traveling around the world and playing.”

  “No, you’re right, I am sorry, it’s no longer my concern who you share your wares with anymore,” I said, but I still felt like searching out any other man who put their hands on her the past 3 years and beating them to a bloody pulp. She always did this to me, being in the same room with her always made my big head shut down and my little head start calling the shots. I could smell her even with the 5 feet of distance between us, she smelled like sweet spring rain and lilacs, and that smell still got me hard instantly.

  “So we’re not doing much the rest of the week, I mean the band; we’re still waiting for some stuff to be shipped. Would you mind if instead of Jaks going to daycare he hung out with me?”

  She didn’t seem to like this idea much, her eyes became guarded, “I don’t know about that Seth, he doesn’t really know you yet, and I don’t think you understand how much trouble he can get into in a blink of an eye. How about we take it a bit slower than that right now? I have a late appointment tomorrow, and I was going to have Drake pick Jaks up from school. Why don’t you do it instead, you two can come back to the shop and hang out in the office while I work? That way if you need help Jules or I’ll be close. I also think it will help Jaks if we go into this slowly. On Saturday you can spend the morning with us, and if he seems comfortable, and you still want to, you can keep him while I work from 1 to 5 Saturday afternoon.”

  “Alright that works for me, I will leave it to you on how to go about this, you know him and I don’t,” I sniped. I saw her eyes harden and I knew we were going to get into another argument, I held my hands up in surrender, I didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted to get to know my son, and it would be easier on all of us if Devi and I weren’t biting each other head’s off while I tried to do it.

  “Okay, his school closes at 6pm make sure you’re there by 5:45 or the parking lot becomes a pain in the ass. Also make sure you have your id on you, or they won’t let you leave with him,” she said in a clear dismissal for the night, not that I minded I needed some time to get all of this through my head and try and figure out what and how I was going to do what needed to be done to get my family back. And that is exactly what Jaks and Devi are, I realized, my family.

  “Anything else I need to know?” I asked

  “No, not that I can think of, oh wait uhm, come by the shop before you pick him Jaks, I’ll let you use my car.”

  “Uhm ok, why?” I asked confused.

  “The car seat is in my car ready to go, and it would be easier just to switch cars than take the car seat out of mine to put it in yours. I’ll give you directions when you come to switch cars.”

  “Alright I guess I will see you tomorrow around 5 then, night Sweet Devi,” I said having to keep myself from reaching out to her when I walked past her, pulling her in and kissing those cupid bow lips that were so enticing.

  “Night Seth,” she told me at the door. Then she closed the door and I heard the bolts lock.

  I got into my car and wondered what to do now; I pulled out my cell and dialed a number I hadn’t in a while.

  “Hey yea it’s Seth, yea I know… Hey I am in town.” I waited a minute. “Yea I know, I just left her place, hey we need to talk… Yea I remember where it is, I will see you in a few.” I hit the end button on my cell and tossed it in the passenger seat, not sure if I was going to have my ass handed to me in the next hour.

  Chapter FiveAfter Seth left I went and checked on Jaks, then made my way back to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of iced tea. I knew Seth was still angry, and I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t tell him about Jaks, I had tried but after that final phone call I let jealousy and my pride get in the way. I meandered back into the living room and looked around at all the pictures of Jaks and wondered if things would have turned out different if Seth had stayed instead of taking the record contract and going to LA. Or if I would have been able to get ahold of him to tell him about Jaks, how things might have been different. I brushed those thoughts away, nothing I could do about the past now, now I needed to figure out the present and future.

  Would Seth really want to be a part of Jaks life? I knew he would want too, I just wasn’t sure he or rather we could make it work. With his constant travel, and my inability to drop things when Seth had time were going to make it difficult. Also, didn’t Jaks deserve to have a father in his life, would it better to have a full time father that wasn’t biological—I knew Cris wanted that job— or would it be better to have a part time father who was biologically his? By the end of my musings I was even more confused than before and I needed someone to help me figure this out. With that decision, the first I made about this whole situation, I picked up my cell and called the only person I could think of that would be honest with me about the situation, help me see what was best for Jaks.

  “Hey it’s me,” I said when one of my few female friends Mags answered.

  “Hey chica what’s up?” she asked.

  “I need some advice, and I knew you wouldn’t sugar coat it.”

  She was quiet for a second, “Ok, what did you get yourself into this time Dev?”

  “Seth is back in town, he met Jaks.”

  “Oh, shit Dev, did he flip out on you?” Heh, she really did know both of us.

  “Not as bad as I expected, but he’s definitely not happy about the situation.”

  “Well, you know I never agreed with you about not telling him, but it was your decision to make, now you have to deal with the fallout, but I will help you however I can.”

  I had to blink back a few tears, I knew how she felt about me not telling him. She made it plain but she always helped, and listened when I needed it.

  “He said he wants to spend time with Jaks and get to know him while he’s here, but I’m not sure how to go from here. I mean I understand Seth’s need to get to know his son, but he will leave again, and I have to think about Jaks here. So do I let Jaks get attached just for Seth to leave then get too busy and Jaks end up hurt? Do I stop him from seeing Jaks, and then take Cris up on his offer instead? Cris is stable, and he’s been around since Jaks was born. I mean I know and he knows I don’t love him, but he would be good for Jaks, and stable.”

  “What did Seth say about it when you asked him if he planned on sticking around?”

  “I never asked, we didn’t talk about much. He’s going to hang out with Jaks tomorrow at the shop after daycare closes. I guess he and I need to
have a serious discussion soon though.”

  “Ya think?” she said. “And about Cris, I can kind of understand why you would think about marrying him, I mean your friends, and all, but don’t you want more than that in a relationship in a marriage?”

  “I had more than that in a relationship, and I ended up with my heart torn to pieces,” I replied. “With Cris it would be safe.”

  “Talk to Seth, chica before you make any decisions, or give yourself an ulcer on a lot of what ifs, talk to Seth.”

  “Yea I know, should I tell him about what Cris asked?”

  “Chica, tell him everything, and I do mean everything, even about your trip to LA. You two can’t make any decisions on what’s best with Jaks without both having all the facts as well as clearing the air between you.”

  I gave a humph, she knew then that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so we changed the conversation to more mundane items, and a few minutes later said our good nights.

  I knew she was right. I would have to tell him everything, even about me flying out to LA to tell Seth I was pregnant and running into Chloe walking out of his apartment.

  ¯¯¯

  I walked into London, and looked around; it hadn’t changed much since the last time I was here. Same dark wood bar, lined with bar stools, on the other side, booths and tables in the center all in dark wood. The smell of good Irish whiskey and smoke ingrained into everything from before the smoking ban. Looking around brought a lot of good memories, I glanced over at the stage and had to smile, I always did like to play at here. I looked towards the back and sitting in a booth was Drake. I didn’t want to talk to him but I knew I had to if I wanted answers to some of my questions. He looked up from his Guinness then and saw me too; he gave me a hard stare, and then looked back at his ale.

  Walking by the bar a hand reached out and grabbed my arm, I looked at the arm and it was definitely female, I swore under my breath, I didn’t need this, not tonight. I followed the arm and a girl that might have been 21 was attached to it. She had black hair cut into a Bettie Paige style, a silver halter that barely held in her obviously fake breasts, a black skirt that looked like she was about to spill out of and 5in stilettos.

  “You’re the bassist for My Misery Muse, aren’t you?” she asked.

  “Nope,” I said then removed her hand from my arm, walked off grabbing my baseball cap from my back pocket and put it on, pulling the brim down low.

  I walked over to the table where my best friend sat, he looked at me and smirked. I sat down opposite of him, the waitress walked up a second later and I ordered a Black and Tan. We sat there quietly glaring at each other until she returned with my drink.

  “What do you want Seth?” Drake growled.

  I looked at my best friend; he hadn’t changed much, still a much larger, older and masculine version of his little sister.

  “Why?” I simply asked.

  “Why what?” he responded.

  I gave him a hard stare back, “Why didn’t you tell me, Drake?”

  “I told you when you got involved with her not to hurt her, what did you do, knocked her up at 19 then left her?” he said.

  “I didn’t know.” I said.

  “Yea, and what would you of done when you found out? Left LA, the band, come back here and do what? Resent her and the baby for ruining your dreams?”

  “I don’t know, because no one thought I deserved to know I fathered a child.”

  “She tried to let you know, called you, emailed you and all she ever got was the run around or no response at all. She finally had to get on with her life, their life, and she’s doing a pretty good job with it now.”

  “She told me she tried to contact me. Why didn’t you?”

  “I did, I got the same she did, you were always not there, too busy. When she decided to stop after the last phone call that left her in tears, I told her ok, she wanted to do it on her own; she didn’t want to screw things up for you. What was I supposed to do, continue to watch her heart break more and more every day, watch the guilt of you not knowing rip her up, or help her get her life back together, Seth?”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so instead I took a drink of my black and tan letting the slightly sweet bass and the earthy Guinness fill my mouth. I deserved to know, but what if what he said was true? What if it was hurting Dev? What if she did feel guilty? Did it matter that I didn’t know before, [V3] it’s the past nothing could be done about it now. Now all I could do was get to know my son, make sure he and Devi were taken care of.

  “So how is she doing now, how are they doing?” I asked.

  He shrugged took another drink, “Her career is really taking off, the shop’s becoming one of the best in Dallas. She’s got herself a great rep going in the industry, a lot of that’s because of Cris. He’s been there ya know, helping her, he took her on right out of art school. He’d just opened the shop and took the risk on a young, female unknown in the business; she’s now one of his top artists. As for Jaks and her, they do pretty well, she’s a great mom. Nothing like ours, she puts him first before everything.”

  “I’m going to spend some time getting to know him while I am here, I want to know my son, help care for him, and make sure he has everything he needs.”

  He finished off his ale, “Devi takes good care of him, they don’t need for anything. If you get involved Seth, make sure it’s for good, because if it’s not, this time I will find you and I will bloody you if you hurt them again.” With that, he got up tossed some bills on the table and left.

  I sat there finishing off my drink thinking about what he said. I wanted to get to know Jaks, I wanted a place in his, in their lives. I could care for them financially now, but what would that mean for my music career, how would a family fit into my life? Knowing I had a lot to think about I got up, reached into my pocket and threw some cash on the table to head home and do some thinking.

  Chapter Six

  The next morning I pulled into the parking lot behind the shop, I could already hear Pantera pounding away inside and knew Cris was inside, and not happy. I decided to walk around the building and hit up Joe’s before I went in; my first appointment was still 45 minutes away. I walked around the store fronts and took a look around, mostly tourists this morning, such a typical morning for Lower Greenville. How I love this area of Dallas, so rich in history with an eclectic vibe. There is a mixture of pubs, bars, vintage clothing stores, cafés, restaurants—all one needs could be found here but mixed with a great atmosphere. At night, it’s filled with partying college kids, artist types, punk kids all meshed together looking for a good time. Not too far from Deep Ellum in Dallas terms at least, so a lot of people out partying start in one place and end up in the other or vice versa. I walked into the café and waited in line to get my latte for the morning, thinking about my phone call with Mags last night. Seth and I do need to clear the air before we can make this work, with that decision made I called Drake.

  “Hey bro,” I said when he answered his cell.

  “Hey Dev, what are you up to?” he asked.

  “Nothing much getting coffee before my first appointment, I need a favor though.”

  “Ok, whatcha need?” he said, he never turned me down on a favor.

  “Well, uhm, Seth showed up yesterday, and before you say anything, yes he knows about Jaks. And I think he and I need some time for us to talk, I know how you feel, but this isn’t about you or even me it’s about Jaks,” I was babbling, which is my norm when talking to my brother about something he’s not going like, if I don’t, he doesn’t let me finish. “So could you watch Jaks for the night? I know it’s a Friday night and this is short notice so if you can’t I will figure something else out.”

  “I know he’s back, I talked to him last night. And yea, I agree you two need to talk, I was going to go out with the guys tonight but I can skip it to hang out with Jaks. Do you want him to crash here or me to stay at your place?”

  I knew what my brother was gett
ing at, did I want an empty house tonight? Honestly I didn’t know, I mean he left, and yes, I did encourage him to go, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get involved with him again, even if it was just for sex. On the other hand, it had been 3 years since the last time I had sex and my body has always been pulled to Seth like a moth to flame. Seth had been my first and at this point, only lover.

  “Dev you there?” he asked after waiting too long for a response.

  “Hmm, oh yea, take Jaks to your place. I’m not sure where were going to talk yet, and if it’s at my place I don’t want you eavesdropping or pounding on him.”

  “Hey, I didn’t hit him last night,” he muttered, “though I wanted to, and why didn’t you tell me he was in town?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to, he showed up at the shop and then we went back to my place,” I said. “Where did you see him?”