My Misery Muse

by Betzold, Brei

  That was a first for Seth, as far as I knew, when we lived together he was always working on new bass lines, as well as writing his own stuff, half the first album was written by Seth.

  “I’m sorry you guys are having such a tough time,” I said. “If you need any help let me know, I still mess around writing sometimes, also the guys still play every Monday and Wednesday nights at Drake’s.”

  “Really, they still play?”

  “Yep, they don’t do shows or anything anymore, they just like to get together and mess around.”

  Then our food came, and didn’t know what else to say, so I tucked into my food, tasting the delicious cream sauce over perfectly cooked crepes.

  “So guess we should get some kind of visitation schedule put together, huh?” Seth said.

  That took me back a second; I still didn’t know what to think about him coming back into our lives, or how to deal with it.

  “Yea, I guess that would be a good idea. I still want to kinda limit it for now, until Jaks is more comfortable with you, and you have more time getting used to taking care of a two year old. By the way how did it go tonight?” I asked but Drake had already told me what he had walked into.

  “We did ok, he never stops though. I was constantly running after him, keeping him out of things, I don’t know how you’ve done it all this time by yourself.”

  “I didn’t do it by myself; I’ve been lucky and had a lot of help.”

  “Yea, I guess you have,” he said looking sad, I knew he was thinking about how he wasn’t one of the ones here helping, watching Jaks grow.

  I reached into my bag and pulled out my journal. I detailed my days with Jaks in it, along with some of my favorite pictures; I thought Seth might like to look at it.

  “Here, it’s the journal I told you about last night.”

  He took it with a smile, “Thanks, Devi.”

  “Seth I want you in his life, I want him to have his father, but I don’t know how we are going to make it work, I mean you’re always on tour. When you’re not on tour you’re working in the studio. I’m just trying to figure out how we could possibly make this work.”

  “I don’t know yet either, Devi, but I, we will make it work.”

  We sat in silence finishing off dinner, I was still trying to figure out how to make it possibly work, when Mags’s advice came back to me. I needed to tell him about my trip to LA, about me going to his apartment, I hadn’t told anyone about that, except her. For all I knew, Chloe had already told him, and he was just letting me keep my pride, but I still needed to tell him, for him to fully understand that I had tried to tell him about Jaks. Then I would let it go, because he was here now and nothing could change the past.

  ¯¯¯

  I sat there looking at Devi, my god, she was beautiful, with her short spiky hair, Pin’s ink tank top, and short skirt. I could see new tats on her arms, legs, even one across her chest. I had the urge to take her home, strip her down and explore the new ink with my fingertips, kissing the sensitive skin behind her ear. I felt myself stir and I knew as I always have, there will be no one else for me but Devlin.

  I was so lost in my thoughts of having her naked and beneath me that I missed what she had said. “Uhm what, sorry I was zoned out there for a minute?”

  She blushed as if she knew exactly what I was thinking, and hopefully she had similar thoughts about me.

  “Uhm, I went to LA,” she said.

  That stopped me for a second, she’d been in LA, when, and why didn’t she come see me?

  “Why didn’t you come see me, Dev?” I asked quietly, not sure I really wanted an answer.

  “I went by your apartment, you weren’t home, or at least that’s what Chloe said when she answered your door wearing one of your t-shirts.”

  I had to stop myself from cursing out loud; I took several deep breaths before I could say anything.

  “When?” I asked barely being able to get that out.

  “About 5 months after you left. I was at a tattoo convention with Cris; he was starting the shop at that point, and had asked me to come with him to help.”

  “You were pregnant then?” I asked and she nodded. “So where did Chloe say I was?” I asked.

  “She said you were off playing in some club, I can’t remember which one. She told me I was making a fool out of myself with you, that you knew about the baby and didn’t care, that you two would laugh at my voice mails and emails, pitying the young naïve teenager. After she was done ranting at me, I left went back to the hotel where we were staying and left the next morning. I tried calling one more time and that’s when she answered and told me you had asked her to marry her, the same night I had been at your apartment. I didn’t know what to do or think, you seemed to have had moved on with your life, so I decided to do the same with mine.”

  I looked at her beautiful pixie-like face and could see the sheen of tears over her eyes, being Devi, she blinked them away; she was never one to let someone see her cry. I thought about the night she must have shown up at my apartment, it must have been the same night I found Chloe in my apartment. Our manager had scheduled us a last minute show in a dive in West Hollywood, when we got there ready to play we were jacked around all night, never ended up actually playing the set we were supposed to. I finally made it home around 4am pissed and exhausted from what had happened at the club and I found Chloe in my bed wearing my New York Dolls t-shirt and come to find out nothing else. Thinking of how Devi would of felt seeing Chloe in the t-shirt, she had searched for me, and paid a lot more than she should have, made me see red. Then I remembered a few days later my cell disappeared and I couldn’t find it, and had it replaced with a new one with a new number so Chloe wouldn’t have it. I always thought she taken it, and I guess she had, then something Devi said made me snap out of my revelry.

  “You said you left voice mails and sent emails, Dev I never got them, you have to believe me. The only thing I can think of is that bitch must have gotten ahold of them somehow and deleted them before I saw them. Baby, if I would have known, I would have come home. I wouldn’t have left you here to do this by yourself, and I never would have done those things Chloe had said I did. How could you of believed her that I would have laughed at you, pitied you, not care about the fact you were having my child?” I asked. “I know what it’s like growing up without a father, I would never willingly do that to a child, and I thought you understood that about me.”

  “I didn’t know what to think, she knew things, she didn’t act surprised when I showed up at your door pregnant. I wanted to hear it from you, that’s why I called the last time, she said you were laying right next to her and didn’t want to talk to me. So I stopped calling.”

  I reached out and brushed my fingers across her face, her kohl lined eyes looking back at me, and I knew it had hurt her, and for that I wanted to find Chloe and rip her to shreds. I leaned down and brushed my lips to hers, and a surge of lust went through me but I held it back. I knew she wasn’t ready for me to tell her I loved her still, I knew she was still confused, and I knew I had my work cut out gaining her trust back.

  I flagged our waitress down after that and paid the bill, then tangled our hands together and pulled her out of her seat.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here and have some fun.”

  Chapter Nine

  I was still reeling from the brief kiss we shared at the café; we sat in a comfortable silence in Seth’s car our fingers still laced together, while Seth absentmindedly rubbed the pad of his thumb over my knuckles in a seductive manner. I was lost in my thoughts when we parked by Lover’s Lane station.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “I thought it would be fun to go to West End. I haven’t been there in years, and I want time with you away from everyone else,“ he said brushing his lips over my knuckles. “If that’s ok with you?”

  “It sounds like fun, I haven’t been to the West End in a long time either,” I said, thinking but not saying, no
t since the last time I went with you.

  We took the train down to West End, it’s a bit touristy for the most part but I’ve always loved it. It’s a few blocks away from the book conservatory where Oswald shot JFK from, it’s rich in Dallas history, with old brick buildings, and the street which is blocked off from traffic is still paved in rich red bricks weathered over the years. It’s filled with street performers, street artists selling their art on sidewalks while tourists watch them work. It has lots of restaurants and a club or two, where laughing groups of people filed out, chatting a bit loudly and tipsy from their drinks during dinner. We meandered through the crowds, people watching like we used to, stopping now and then to watch an artist, or a street performer juggle flaming balls. Seth kept a constant hold on my hand, occasionally using his other hand to brush fingers across my face, down my neck, turning me on even more.

  “Want to go look around Marketplace?” Seth asked.

  “Sure,” I replied a bit breathlessly. Seth looked down at me giving me a smile that said he knew exactly how he was affecting me.

  We walked into the marketplace, which is a huge old brick building that’s been redone into various shops and stands. On the first floor are various food vendors, and my all-time favorite the homemade fudge vendor, they make it fresh in front of you, and the smells are always mouthwatering.

  “I am coming back for fudge,” I told Seth, “but for now let’s go upstairs.”

  He chuckled; I never came here without leaving with fudge.

  We went up to the second level where some of the coolest shops are located, we walked past the magic shop, and other various stalls set up to sell things to tourists. I looked around a table that sold hand carved soap stone figures, boxes and jewelry. The whole time I perused the table Seth continued to taunt me with his touch brushing his thumb against my knuckles, trailing his fingers lightly down my neck. We wandered into the antique store which had always been a favorite of mine; looking at the eclectic items they had for sale, they sold hello kitty merchandise to priceless first editions, you never knew what you were going to find here. I found myself drawn to the jewelry counter where cheap dime store knock offs were placed next to expensive family heirlooms. One piece caught my attention, an engagement ring from the 1920’s in art deco style, it was a square cut diamond in the center with smaller diamonds around it, and it was beautiful.

  “What’s got you so serious, baby?” Seth asked.

  I looked up at him and found him watching me, and it hit me once again how breathtaking this man was.

  “I was just thinking it reminds me of my grandmother’s ring.”

  I could tell by the look in his eyes he understood, but then again he always had.

  “How are your parents?” I shrugged, “Wouldn’t know, haven talked to them in over two years.” I didn’t have to explain why to him, he knew how my parents are.

  “I’m sorry baby,” he said simply.

  “Nothing to be sorry about, it was their decision, when they found out about the pregnancy they went ballistic, tried forcing me to marry one of their friend’s sons so I wouldn’t reflect badly on the family. I of course, as always refused, they just don’t understand that I can’t live the life they want me too, I can’t be the perfect Porter princess they want.” It still made me sad thinking about my parents, they never truly understood me, or cared to see me. I was to become like my mother the perfect wife and have perfect children, what they got instead was me, a constant disappointment.

  “I wish I could have been there for you when they found out,” he replied quietly.

  I reached up and put my hand on his cheek, “It wouldn’t have changed anything, I still can’t be who they want me to be, and they will never accept anything less, it was going to happen eventually. Drake was with me, he and my dad went toe to toe as normal while my mother sat there sobbing about how I was a disappointment, and ruining her family. We left after that and haven’t been back, my dad called Drake and told him we were disinherited. But then the day after Drake turned 25 the bank called letting him know his trust fund was now available to him. I don’t know if he called them or not, not even sure if he’s touched the money since he’s had it. Though I don’t think he needs it, he makes a pretty good living working for the label, and he loves his job.”

  He turned his face and gave me a kiss on the palm, “They truly don’t understand what they are missing out on Devi, it’s their loss,” he said letting go of my hand and re-lacing his fingers through it.

  I had to blink back tears before I could respond. “Well thanks, that’s the way I feel about it too,” I said putting on my brave face, I knew he could see through it, see the hurt little girl that always yearned for her parent’s approval but he didn’t say anything.

  “You ready to get out of here?” he asked changing the subject. “How about we go down to the basement and play some video games?”

  With that the tension that was building broke, and we headed down to the arcade. We spent an hour or so playing video games, laughing, touching, and having more fun than I could remember having in a long time.

  “You ready to head home?” he asked after I once again beat him at Tekken.

  “You just don’t want to lose to a girl again.”

  “Damn straight, I have to leave with some of my ego in tack,” he said with a laugh.

  After we got my fudge, we headed back to the train station, taking our time it felt so much like all the other times Seth and I had come here. I didn’t want it to end, but on the other hand it scared the hell out of me. I knew he would be leaving when he finished his album, he said he wanted to stay in Jaks life, but never said anything about staying in mine. I wasn’t sure I could go through him leaving me again, it was so hard the first time, and I knew that this time when he left, it would be even worse. He drove me home neither of us saying anything, I think he knew I needed time to figure everything out in my own head, and as always he was giving me the space I never needed to ask him for.

  When we pulled up outside my tiny house, he got out and walked around the car and opened the door for me, I took the hand he offered. We walked to my porch still neither of us speaking, until we reached the door, I looked up at him and found him once again watching me.

  He reached up and brushed his thumb across my lower lip. “You still bite it when you’re nervous” he whispered.

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I stayed quiet.

  “I never forgot about you Devi, I never stopped thinking about you, wondering how you were, wondering if you thought about me,” he whispered.

  He very slowly started leaning his head towards mine, giving me time to turn my head if I didn’t want his kiss. And I realized I did want it, regardless of what happened later, I wanted Seth for as long as I could have him, I would deal with the consequences later. I leaned up on my tip toes placing my hands on his shoulders; his lips brushed mine once, twice, three times, before he added more pressure. I instantly opened my mouth to his and felt his tongue sweep out across my lower lip before it plunged into my mouth. He placed a hand on the back of my neck slowly brushing patterns into my skin while his other hand snaked around my waist. My tongue brushed his bringing back the lust I felt earlier for him tenfold, he deepened the kiss his tongue tangling with mine, exploring my mouth as if trying to relearn its every facet. I returned his kiss with the same passion, not wanting it to end but knowing it would soon, neither of us wanted to rush things. With one more sweep of his tongue over my lower lip he broke the kiss, leaving us panting for breath and clutching each other for support. He leaned down and brushed another sweet chaste kiss against my lips.

  “Night, Devi, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I watched him walk away, brushed my fingers against my still swollen lips. “Night, Seth,” then turned around unlocked my door and went into my house.

  Cris sat on my couch with a coffee cup in his hand, he looked up at me and I could see the pain flash across his eyes. I hated see
ing the pain he was in, I never meant to hurt him, I just couldn’t give him what he wanted, and I knew that more now than ever.

  “I’m sorry Cris,” I whispered willing the tears back.

  “It’s not your fault Dev, I always knew you didn’t love me, I was just hoping one day you would learn to,” he said. He cleared his throat, “I’ll be here if you need me, and if he hurts you this time he won’t be able to hide far enough away.”

  Cris left looking as dejected as I’d ever seen him; I slumped down in the chair and started to cry.

  ¯¯¯