A Fighting Chance

by Annalisa Nicole

  Scrounging around through the cupboards and the refrigerator to see what Amelia brought, I throw together a quick dinner. Chloe is still sitting at the table with one leg pulled up on the seat with her arms wrapped tight around it. I place her plate in front of her bringing her out of her trance. She shocks the shit out of me and I’ll be damned, but she smiled at me. It was a small smile, but I’ll take it. Hopefully it will be the beginning of a lifetime of smiles.

  We eat our food in silence. We both sit there not able to say anything. At this point, I don’t think words are needed. Just being here with her is all that’s needed right now. I dig the heart out of my pocket and slide it across the table. Her eyes light up and she yet again graces me with another small smile.

  I clear our dishes away and clean up the kitchen. When I turn around, she’s laying in bed again, as close to the edge as she can get. She has the heart in her hand pressed to her chest. Ironic, that’s exactly where my heart is too, in her hands. She wants me to lay in bed with her. And I want nothing more than to lay in bed with her, too.

  Even if after all of this, if all I accomplish is a few nights of peaceful sleep and to get her back seeing her therapist, then I call it a success. If she won’t have me back I accept that, at least I can give her back some sense of normalcy.

  Cozying up behind her, I wrap my arm around her and kiss the back of her head. Tomorrow is another long day. Sleep my angel, sleep. I can promise you tonight, another night’s sleep free of demons.

  The next morning I’m woken to the sound of relentless banging on the front door.

  “You who. Anybody in there? I’m not too early am I?” the voice says as she continues to bang on the door.

  Crawling out of bed, I open the door and like the hurricane she is, Savvy, walks in and plops a large duffle bag on the table.

  “Wow, this is a nice place you have here,” she says looking around. “You build this yourself? I’ll bet ya a million bucks you did. Wait, no. I don’t have a million bucks, never mind. You did build it though, didn’t ya?”

  “Yes, I did, I’ll be outside if you girls need me.”

  “You got it, Max. Ur…uh…I mean Slick,” she says giggling.

  Good Lord, I can’t get out of the house fast enough.

  Chapter 9

  Chloe

  “Damn woman, it’s so good to see you. I brought you some clothes. I stopped over at your place before I came up here. Good gravy it’s a long ass drive up here,” she says smacking that ever loving gum in between her teeth.

  I’ve never been happier to see a bag of clothes before in my life.

  “Please tell me you brought a toothbrush and toothpaste,” I say taking a hopeful look at the bag.

  “Sure I did, sugar. Ava helped me pack it for you! Nice girl that Ava. Man she’s a ton worried about you though. Oh my God, you will never believe what happened to me! I got a phone call from my college of choice telling me I was selected to receive a full ride scholarship to nursing school. Can you believe that shit? Me! That kind of luck never happens to me. I tell you what, I think I broke that man’s eardrums on the other end of the line, I screamed so damn loud.”

  I couldn’t help myself, I laughed. I threw my hand over my mouth to try and stop it, but I laughed for the first time in I don’t even know how long. Once I started laughing, I couldn’t stop, and it felt so good. Poor Savvy stood there with a hurt expression on her face. I laughed so hard I had tears running down my cheeks. The way she was so flamboyant waving her arms in the air, and the goofy grin on her face while she talked, broke through my walls and I couldn’t stop laughing, no matter how hard I tried. She is so excited, and to know that I played a part in it just made me so happy, I laughed.

  “Now sweet cheeks, I didn’t think that was funny in the least bit,” she says with a pouty face.

  “Savvy, I’m so sorry. I’m not laughing at you, I swear. I’m truly happy for you, and I’m also so incredibly proud of you, too, for taking this giant step in making your dreams come true.”

  “You’re sure you weren’t laughing at me? Because it sure seemed like you were laughing at me,” she says sincerely.

  “Not at all. Sit down. What else has been going on with you? How’s the rebuild on the bar going?”

  “It’s going great! It should be finished in no time at all. I’m still going to work there part time too while I’m in school. Gary is being way cool about the whole thing. I thought for sure he would flip out when I told him I only wanted to come back part-time,” she says.

  “You know, when you start school, if you need any help at all or someone to help you study, I’d be glad to help.”

  “Really? Are you sure it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience?” she asks excited.

  “No, not at all. I’d love to help you, truly it would be my pleasure,” I tell her and suddenly I can see myself doing just that. Funny, this is the first time I can picture myself doing something in the future.

  “You want to know something silly?” she asks slightly embarrassed. “I went to a store in the mall that sells scrubs and I stood there in the middle of the store and just smiled for about twenty minutes. I think the sales lady thought I was crazy. Then I grabbed about twenty different scrubs and tried them on. I can’t wait to open my closet one day and think, which one will I wear today. I took selfies of each of them. You want to see?” she asks. She digs in her large purse that’s more like carry-on luggage for her cell phone, and shows me all the pictures of her wearing scrubs. The smile on her face wearing those scrubs is more than I’ll ever need to know that I did that. Yep, I did a good thing.

  Yet another layer chipped away.

  Savvy and I sat and talked for hours. Max never once came in the house and disturbed us. Besides talking about school, we talked about nothing of importance, and it was one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. Savvy may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but what she has to offer is way more important than anything you can learn in a book. She never tried to dig in my brain or try to fix me. That’s what Fiona’s for. She unknowingly, just by sitting here smacking that stupid ass gum in her teeth, as she talked animatedly about every day normal stuff, helped me in a way I don’t think I can ever repay her for.

  “Shoot, love, I’ve got to get going. It was so nice talking to you today. I’ll see you soon, OK?” she says. She launches herself out of her chair and practically bowls me over in my seat as she hugs me. But the thing is, I hugged her back just as hard.

  As soon as Savvy left, Max immediately came back in. He eyed me up and down, then went in the kitchen and started to make lunch. He set a sandwich in front of me and we both ate in silence. He glanced up at me a few times, and I caught the slight pull of a smile as he watched me chew my food. Bastard.

  Just as Max clears the table, there’s another knock at the door. It’s Fiona again. Max builds a fire in the fireplace, then walks over to me, kisses me on the head, then again makes himself scarce as we talk. By the end of the session, I’m left with a calm empowering feeling that gives me hope and strength that I haven’t felt in months.

  Fiona left, and like the other times before, Max comes back in almost immediately. He puts new logs in the fireplace, then walks in the kitchen and starts to make dinner. One of Fiona’s suggestions was to write down my feelings as I was feeling them. She left me a notebook and a pen, and as Max makes dinner, I start to write. Suddenly it was like the pen in my hand had a mind of its own, and the words that make their way down on the paper leave me completely drained. I had no idea I was even capable of putting the thoughts swirling around in my head into words. Seeing them on paper is so different than listening to them in my head. In my head, they seem so large and unmanageable, but seeing them on a piece of paper they seem…manageable.

  We eat dinner in silence, too. I don’t know if Max just doesn’t know what to say to me, or if he’s doing it on purpose. He clears the dishes and stands at the sink with his head down and his back turned to me
. The look of defeat in his stance makes me sad. We’ve yet to talk about Samuel or the break up, but it’s almost like the words aren’t necessary, I can feel his love all around me. I know they need to be said, and I’m afraid they will have to be said soon.

  I crawl in bed and stare at the roaring fire in the glorious fireplace. As I get lost in the calm of the lapping flames, Max crawls in bed behind me. He wraps his arms around me securely with a squeeze. I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck and almost instantly, I fall asleep.

  The next morning just like the previous, there is a knock at the door. Please, God, don’t let that be anymore Wellingtons. Max hauls his large frame out of bed, but not before he plants a good morning kiss on my forehead. He opens the door to Adrian and Shay. Damn, more Wellingtons. My heart sinks at the possibility of this conversation. Max puts on a pot of coffee, and then heads out the door. Just what does he do while I’m in here talking with everyone? To my surprise, Adrian kisses Shay on the lips, grabs her chin in a loving gesture, and then smiles at her. He grabs two cups of coffee, and then heads out the door too. No blood Wellington to tell me their gut wrenching story? There is a God in heaven. But I guess Shay is a Wellington, by marriage.

  “Good morning,” Shay says with a smile.

  “Good morning,” I reply sitting up.

  “How’s it going up here?” she asks as she pours herself a cup of coffee, then lifts the carafe and her eyebrows in a question, asking if I’d like a cup as well.

  “Yes, please. Thank you.” I think I might need to search for some hard liquor if these conversations don’t stop soon.

  We take a seat at the table, and we each take several well needed swallows of coffee before she finally starts talking again.

  “It’s beautiful up here. I can see why Max brought you here. I’m not going to sit here and preach to you as to why I think you need to get over yourself,” she says.

  Ouch. Get over myself? Is she for real?

  “I know just what it’s like to be locked in your own head. I also know that it can be a dangerous place. Things can start to become twisted and run around in a totally different direction than they’re supposed to. You and I don’t really know very much about each other, but I’d like to share my story with you. Adrian and I, we go way back. We were high school sweethearts. We had these grand plans all laid out in front of us. We were married at eighteen and believed that we would ride out into the perfect sunset and live deliriously happily ever after. I foolishly believed nothing could ever break our bonds and we would die old and grey together at the age of ninety-nine, leaving behind three kids and nine grandchildren. Life sure had its way of telling us just how much we weren’t in charge. I got pregnant, and before I could snap my fingers it all changed. One day, one split second, and a car accident later, derailed the course of both of our lives. I was young and stupid, and when I lost the baby, I listened to those voices swirling around in my head, and I ran from the only man I’ve ever loved. I talked myself into believing for seventeen years that I wasn’t worthy of Adrian’s love. I blamed myself for something that ultimately wasn’t even my fault. Chloe, I wasted seventeen years. Seventeen years that I could have had with Adrian if I just would have fought my way through instead of taking the easy way out.”

  My God, seventeen years, and for what? My heart breaks for their loss. The circumstances are different, sure, but aren’t they all. Doesn’t everyone have a different story, their own unique and equally hard story? It’s what we do with it and how we come out on the other side that matters.

  “Don’t be like me. Don’t let what’s in here,” she says pointing to my head, “get to what’s really in here.” She points to my heart. She couldn’t be more right.

  Another layer chipped away.

  Fiona came by later that night, and by the end of the session I can honestly say the feelings of not wanting to live are mostly gone. I say mostly because I know my demons aren’t gone. They’re still there. I think they’ll always be there. I don’t know from one day to the next when they’ll choose to haunt me. I don’t know if it will be a daily basis, or if there’s some trigger that makes them worse. But, somehow I need to learn to accept them and learn to live with them. I need to accept that they’re a part of me and always will be. I can’t change what happened to me. There’s no way to ever make them go away completely. Like Shay said, I need to get over myself. As much as that hurt when she said it, it’s entirely true. I need to not let them define me. Yes, I was dealt shit, but it’s what you do with it that can kill you, or make you a better, stronger person. With the help of my family, my friends, and Fiona, I really want to make that happen. My thoughts are starting to think about things in the future. A future that I want to be a part of.

  I also can’t help but think that soon enough I’ll have to head down this mountain, and back home. I don’t know what my future holds, and I can’t rely on Max sleeping with me to get a good night’s sleep every night. But a good night’s sleep is just what I got for the next seven days. No more Wellingtons stopped by, but Fiona did like clockwork every night. I spent those seven days writing in my journal. Each day I felt the layers peeling away.

  The next morning, I wake to see Max sitting at the table, just like every morning with his hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. He usually has a steaming cup of coffee for me sitting next to him, but this morning, there isn’t one. The look on his face sends a chill down my spine.

  “Our time here is up. There’s only one other person I have who wants to talk to you... Me. I’ve never felt for anyone how I feel about you. I love you, Chloe. I made a huge mistake when I broke up with you. I really thought I was protecting you, not only from me but from my lifestyle. I quickly realized though that the safest place for you, is with me. I’m so sorry for putting you through all of this. I never meant to dredge back up all of these memories that you’ve worked so hard to deal with. I’m asking for your forgiveness. I’m asking for a life with you. I’m asking you for a fighting chance. I don’t need an answer this minute. I want you to be sure. There’s one more thing I want to say to you and this one’s a little harder.”

  Oh great. This doesn’t sound good. I close my eyes as a chill races through my body.

  “I’m not an expert by any means, and I don’t even know if this is something that I should be saying. But it’s been weighing on me day after day like a ton of bricks, and I honestly think I’m meant to say it. I think you need to forgive yourself. To me, honestly, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. What you did was in self-defense. If you had committed a crime you would have been arrested, gone on trial and sent to jail. But you weren’t, because according to the law, you’re innocent. But I think you’re taking the responsibility of killing a man on your own shoulders. You’re wrong if you think that, but I think you do. I think the biggest step you have to take, and the one that I think will set you free, is to completely forgive yourself and accept what happened. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.”

  Those words are like a knife to the heart. But I also think he’s right. And because of these past few weeks, I think I’m ready to do just that.

  “I need to walk the property before I lock up and head back home. Here are the keys to the truck,” he says scooting them across the table toward me. He squeezes them hard in his hand before he lets them go with a sigh.

  “I want nothing more than to build a life with you. I completely understand if you can’t forgive me. If you can’t find it in your heart to take me back, I will respect that. I have a Harley in the garage I can take back. If you’re gone when I get back, I accept that as your decision to not give us another chance. It will break my heart, but I’ll honor your choice.”

  As I watch Max’s defeated frame walk out the door, I know just what I need to do. I pack my bags and take a long look around the cabin. I’ll never forget what this place or what Max did for me here.

  I stand from the table, walk to the center of the cabin and in a loud
voice with everything I have, I scream to the heavens, “I forgive myself.” I sink to my knees and let out the last of the pent up guilt and dark thoughts leave my mind, body and soul.

  I pack my things and do a quick clean-up of the cabin. I grab my things, turn the knob and pause in the doorway for what seems like an eternity to rethink my decision. As I close the door behind me, I know I’m making the right choice. Ultimately, it’s the best choice to make for me and it’s the only choice I have.

  Max

  Walking around the property, I honestly don’t know what she’ll choose to do. I usually have a pretty spot on sense of what’s about to happen, it comes with my job, but I just couldn’t get a read on her. It takes about forty-five minutes to walk the property line before I head back to the house. I walk along the side of the house, close my eyes and say a silent prayer before I turn the corner and see the driveway, and hopefully see that my truck is still there and she chooses to live a life with me. The second I open my eyes and see that my truck’s gone, my heart sinks and my world seems to fold in on itself. Never before have I felt such pain or an ache for someone, not even Samuel’s death, even as much as he meant to me, feels this bad. My knees sink to the ground on their own. As I grab fists full of earth, I know I have only myself to blame. I thought I had given it my all. I thought I had fought with my soul to prove to her that I am worthy of her love.

  As I get off the ground, I really had thought that I proved my love to her and that she saw just how much I love her. I don’t regret for one second bringing all her family and friends out here to show her just how much she is loved. I’m glad I was able to help fix what I broke. But I love her so fucking much that this really hurts. I can’t believe it’s really over and she’s gone. I guess I’m really just not good enough for anyone.

  I open the door to the cabin and the first thing I see is the wooden heart I made her sitting in the center of the table. Not only did she break my heart, but she ripped it out of my damn chest and left it behind. The cabin has been cleaned, the bed made and her bag is gone. I place my hands on the table and hang my head. A single tear slides down my cheek as I feel small arms wrap around my waist.