by Joan Jonker
‘If yer shut up and listen to what I was going to tell yer fifteen minutes ago, then I promise I won’t tell Ivy what yer said about her. And that’ll be doing yer a big favour ’cos yer know how handy Ivy is with her fists.’
Hetty pulled a face. ‘That, Ada Fenwick, sounds very much like blackmail to me.’
‘Never mind it sounds like blackmail, it is ruddy blackmail!’ Ada clicked her tongue. ‘I’ll get this out if it kills me! I promised Jean and Edith that we’d call in to see Eliza before we go to the shops, to see what we think of her state of health. And seeing as we’ll have to spend some time with her, not just run in and out, like, then we’d better get our skates on if we want to catch the shops before they close at one o’clock for their dinner.’
‘In case yer haven’t noticed, girl, I came all ready to go out,’ Hetty said. ‘It’s you that’s keeping us back, not me.’
Ada lifted her coat from one of the hooks behind the door. And keeping her back to Hetty, she slipped her arms into the sleeves while saying, ‘Oh, and I offered to help Jean and Edith with taking turns with the old lady. Yer didn’t mind me offering your services, did yer?’ Without waiting for a reply, Ada went on, ‘No, I didn’t think yer’d object.’
‘It would have been polite to have asked me first, girl. Yer know I wouldn’t object to helping Eliza, I’ll be happy to. But it would have been nice to be asked.’
‘So, sunshine, yer’ll be happy to help, will yer?’
‘More than happy, girl.’
‘Then can we stop wasting words and get on with it.’ Ada waved her neighbour towards the front door. ‘And not a word to Eliza about what I’ve told yer. Let her think it’s just a friendly call to see how she is.’
Hetty was on the pavement when she looked up and said, ‘I’m not thick, Ada.’
Ada banged the door behind her, made sure it was properly closed, then faced her mate. ‘Let’s see now. Er, how can I put it? Sometimes ye’re not very quick off the mark, sunshine, but, er, no, I wouldn’t say yer were thick.’
Hetty narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. ‘If Mrs Grogan wasn’t on her knees scrubbing her front step, I’d clock you one, Ada Fenwick.’
‘If she’s still doing her step when we come out of Eliza’s, sunshine, yer could ask her for her opinion.’
The pair began to cross the cobbles. ‘What would I want to ask Mrs Grogan for her opinion on?’
‘Yer could ask her what, in her opinion, the word diagnosis means. Or whether she thinks ye’re thick or not. There’s loads yer could ask her to pass the time away.’
Hetty lifted the knocker on Eliza’s door. ‘I don’t know about me being thick, you’re as soft as a ruddy brush. In fact, come to think about it, whatever I am, you made me.’
The old lady’s eyes lit up when she saw her visitors. ‘What are you two laughing at now?’ She stood aside to let them pass. ‘Don’t yer ever have bad days, when yer don’t feel like laughing?’
Ada waited until they were sitting down before answering. ‘I’m going to be very truthful with yer, Eliza, even though what I’m going to say may shock yer. In fact, yer might throw us out and tell us never to darken yer door again.’ She paused, straight-faced, to add a little drama. ‘Me and Hetty aren’t always laughing and joking, like people think. There are times when we’re just the opposite. Yer wouldn’t think so, but before we came out, we were throwing punches at each other, and our language was foul.’ Another pause for effect. ‘Hetty, who everyone thinks is a quiet, respectable woman who wouldn’t hurt a fly, well, she threw a cushion at me. But instead of hitting me, it hit the clock on the mantelpiece. The clock what had been left to me by me parents fell to the floor and was smashed to smithereens. I bet me poor mam and dad are turning in their graves right now, for that clock was their pride and joy.’
The old lady bit on her bottom lip to keep back the laughter that was bubbling up inside her. Laughter that wasn’t only brought about by Ada’s very unlikely tale, but also by Hetty’s face, which was a picture no artist could paint.
‘May God forgive you, Ada Fenwick,’ Hetty said when she found her voice. ‘I enjoy a joke with the best of them, but to bring yer dead parents into it, well, I don’t know how yer’ll sleep in bed tonight.’
Eliza leaned sideways and patted Hetty’s arm. ‘What Ada said was all in fun, sweetheart, and I’m sure God has a sense of humour.’
‘I’ll tell yer who else had a sense of humour, Hetty, and that was me mam and dad. Our house was always full of laughter. What we lacked in material things, me parents made up for with love and laughter. I bet any money they’re looking down on me now, and they’ll be laughing so much their haloes will have slipped sideways.’ Ada chuckled. ‘I remember we didn’t have a clock, ’cos me mam had pawned it just after they were married, and she never had enough money to redeem it. They used to rely on the neighbours to wake me dad up for work.’
‘So the one in your house wasn’t left to yer by yer parents?’ Hetty seemed surprised. ‘It looks so old, I took it for granted.’
‘No one will ever know how old that clock is.’ Ada laughed. ‘When me and Jimmy got married we got some wedding presents, and I had a few things in me bottom drawer. But no one thought about a clock. So I scouted around and bought that one from a second-hand shop for threepence. It looked on its last legs then, and I’ve been expecting it to conk out any time since. But it’s still going strong after twenty years, so I’d say I got a good bargain.’
‘It’s not a bargain, girl,’ Hetty told her, ‘it’s a miracle.’
Ada nodded her head slowly as she asked, ‘Is that your diagnosis?’
‘Oh, don’t let’s go back to that, girl, or Eliza will think we’ve only come to confuse her.’
‘Ye’re right there, sunshine, ’cos I’m confused meself. So let’s pretend we’ve just come in, and we’ll ask our dear friend and neighbour how she is.’
The old woman smiled. ‘I feel a lot better since you two came in. It would be hard to feel lonely or miserable with you around.’
‘Oh, were yer not feeling very good before we came?’
‘I was feeling a little bit down,’ Eliza told them. ‘When yer get to my age, and yer live alone, it gets very boring talking to the wallpaper.’
‘I know how yer feel, sunshine, ’cos my wallpaper never has anything interesting to say when I talk to it. I often wonder whether it would cheer up a bit if I watered the flowers on it.’
Hetty decided it was time for her to contribute something to the conversation. ‘Your wallpaper hasn’t got flowers on! If it has, then I must be going blind.’
‘Oh, it has got flowers on, sunshine, red roses they are. But I have to admit yer need very good eyesight to see them. The paper’s been on the wall so long they’ve almost faded away. It was nice when it was first put up, I was really proud of me room then. It was so bright and airy it was a pleasure coming down in the mornings.’ A wide smile spread across Ada’s chubby face. ‘But good news is on the way. I’ve moaned so much about how miserable the room looks that Danny offered to pay for the paper if Jimmy shows him how to put it up. And I intend to keep on moaning until they keep their promise. I don’t think either of them were serious, they only said it to shut me up. But they’re going to get their eye wiped, ’cos one day I intend to get busy with the scraper, and they’ll be laughing the other side of their faces when they come in from work one night and find the walls stripped bare.’
Hetty’s brows shot up. ‘Yer wouldn’t do that, girl, would yer?’
‘Of course we would!’
It only took Hetty’s brain a second to absorb the implication of that remark. ‘Where d’yer get the “we” from? Surely yer wouldn’t get the children to help yer?’
‘Would I heck! I’d be frightened of them falling off the ladder! No, I’m going to ask me very best mate to give me a hand.’
‘Who would that be?’ Hetty feigned ignorance. ‘Someone in the street?’
‘Yeah, she
only lives four doors away from you. I was thinking of Ivy Thompson.’
Eliza was really enjoying this, and her eyes moved from one to the other. Ivy Thompson was the street bully, and Ada was about the only woman in the street who wasn’t afraid of her tongue or her fists. But that didn’t mean they were bosom pals, and the old lady couldn’t imagine Ada asking favours of a woman whose language turned the air blue. So how was the tale going to end?
‘You do surprise me,’ Hetty said, knowing full well what the outcome would be, but stringing it along because Eliza was showing great interest. ‘I thought she’d be the last person in the world yer’d ask a favour of.’
‘Oh, she is, sunshine, she definitely is! I was only pulling yer leg, yer should have known that. There’s only one person I’d ask for help in any situation, and that’s the woman who’s really me best mate. And as I can see ye’re getting jealous, I’ll put yer out of yer misery. You’re the one I’m going to ask to be me labourer.’
‘Well, I do declare! You are one cheeky article, Ada Fenwick, and if yer think I’m coming to do your dirty work while you stand by and watch, then yer’ve got another think coming.’ Hetty nodded her head to show she meant business. ‘Yer’ll not get me scraping paper off yer walls unless I’m the gaffer, and you’re the apprentice what will keep the cups of tea coming every half-hour.’
The old lady leaned forward and put her thin hand over Hetty’s. ‘Don’t forget the biscuits, sweetheart. Cups of tea are no good unless they come with a biscuit in the saucer.’
Ada was happy to see how the old lady had bucked up. It was surprising what a funny tale and a laugh could do. And they didn’t cost anything. ‘Oh, we’ve got a rabble-rouser in our midst, have we? I always had a sneaking suspicion that when yer were younger, yer were a real troublemaker. And I’ve proved meself right. Ye’re the type that would bring men out on strike for the sake of an arrowroot biscuit.’
The two friends sat back with smiles on their faces as they watched tears of laughter rolling down Eliza’s cheeks. And both were thinking they’d call and tell Jean and Edith there was no need to alert the old lady’s son. Not yet anyway.
Hetty linked her arm through Ada’s after they’d waved to Eliza, who had insisted on coming to the door to see them off. It meant they couldn’t knock on Jean’s or Edith’s, for the old lady would have seen and heard them.
‘We’ll let them know after we’ve been to the shops,’ Ada said. ‘I don’t think there’s any reason for concern, do you, sunshine?’
‘She seemed a bit quiet when we first walked in, but she soon brightened up. I think that’s part of her problem, in as much as she’s on her own too much. She enjoys having someone to talk to, and make her laugh. I’m glad yer told her about decorating yer living room, and how yer’d keep her informed of the progress.’ Hetty looked sideways to see her friend’s face. ‘Are yer really going to strip the wallpaper off, or did yer make that bit up to give her a laugh?’
‘Oh, I didn’t make it up, sunshine, I’m in dead earnest. That wallpaper is giving me the willies, and I’m going to make a start on stripping it one day this week.’ Ada chuckled. ‘It depends what day you have free. I need someone to gab to while I’m working, ’cos I move quicker when me mouth is on the go.’
Hetty was more level-headed than her friend. ‘Hadn’t yer better make sure when Danny will have the money to buy the paper? Yer don’t want to have to sit for weeks with nothing on the walls, that would really give yer the willies.’
‘I intend to drop a hint when we’re having our dinner tonight. Danny is buying the paper, but it’s no good papering without painting the woodwork ’cos one thing would be laughing at another. So it means Jimmy will have to fork out for the paint. That leaves me trying to get round the two of them at the same time.’ The pair turned the corner into the main road. ‘I’ll cut down a bit on me shopping for the next few days, then I can put a few coppers towards the cost. Every little helps.’
‘Well, when yer do start, girl, I’ll get stuck in with yer, yer know that. Between us, we could have that room stripped in a few hours.’
‘I’ll see what I can do while we’re having our dinner. That’s about the best time, ’cos they’re usually in a good mood when they’re eating.’
Hetty squeezed her arm. ‘Ay, I’ve just thought of a good nickname for you, girl. How about Crafty Clara?’
Ada stopped in her tracks. ‘But me name’s nothing like Clara!’
‘I know, but I couldn’t think of anything that went with crafty and Ada. But I’ll think about it during the day, and I bet I come up with something what goes with Ada.’
‘Ye’re not half slow, sunshine, ’cos I can come up with a lot of words that would go with Ada. At least three came into me mind right away.’
‘Go ’way! What are they, girl?’
‘When I tell yer, yer’ll kick yerself for not thinking of them. What about Adorable Ada? Or Adaptable Ada? Even Admirable Ada? Any one of those would suit me.’
‘Oh, I’ve just thought of one that would really fit the bill,’ Hetty said with delight. ‘How about Abominable Ada? It came into me head just like that.’ She clicked her middle finger and thumb. ‘Just like that.’
‘Well, if we’re going to play silly buggers, how about Horrible Hetty? Hideous Hetty? Or even Helpless Hetty?’
‘If I’m helpless, horrible and hideous, girl, yer won’t want me in yer living room scraping paper off yer wall, will yer?’
Ada was straight-faced, but laughing inside. ‘Don’t be so ruddy quick off the mark, sunshine, I haven’t finished yet. I kept the best one till the last. How about Heavenly Hetty?’
‘Yer just saved yerself by the bell, girl, but it was quick thinking, I’ll give yer that much. So is that all settled now? Can we get on with our shopping?’
‘We certainly can. And when we’re in the butcher’s, and I ask for three-quarters of stew instead of the usual pound, don’t ask me why. It’s because I want to save sixpence to go towards the wallpaper.’
‘That’s a good idea, girl. Yer can make up for the lack of meat by putting some barley in.’ Then Hetty had a brainwave. ‘Ay, d’yer know what would be a good idea, girl? When ye’re having yer dinner tonight, yer could say yer’d seen some wallpaper yer liked, and yer’ve put sixpence deposit down towards it. If yer said it in a casual way, it would sound more like a gentle reminder than you pushing them into doing it soon.’
They were walking through the butcher’s door when Ada said, ‘Ay, that’s a good idea. So Heavenly Hetty is not just a pretty face after all.’
Ronnie greeted them with a grin. ‘Late again this morning, ladies. It’s getting to be a habit with yer. Or are yer trying to give me a heart attack, thinking two of me best customers have left me for another butcher who is better-looking than me.’
‘Yer’ve got no worries on that score, Ronnie,’ Ada told him. ‘We could never find another butcher nicer-looking than you. Me and Hetty have tried, though. We walked the length of Scotland Road, but every butcher’s shop we went in, there was an ugly mug behind the counter. And we decided that being greeted by an ugly mug every day would put us off whatever we were buying.’
Ronnie’s chest expanded by about six inches ‘That’s a nice compliment, ladies. Yer’ve made me day a lot brighter.’
‘I wouldn’t get too cocky, Ronnie, not until yer’ve seen the other butchers. One of them looked like Frankenstein’s monster, another favoured Charles Laughton as the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and the last one was the image of Count Dracula.’ Ada began to shake with suppressed laughter at the sight of Ronnie’s face. ‘Me and Hetty didn’t have a good night’s sleep for weeks. We kept having nightmares.’
Hetty nodded vigorously. ‘My husband got real worried about me. In fact he wanted me to see a doctor ’cos I was keeping him awake at night screaming with fright. I kept on seeing Dracula pushing his coffin lid aside and sitting up with this horrible look on his face and long fangs hanging out of his mouth.�
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Ada put a hand on her friend’s arm. ‘All right, sunshine, ye’re quite safe in here. I won’t let anyone get to yer. And yer can see that although Ronnie’s got big teeth, they’re not nearly as big as Dracula’s fangs. And he hasn’t got no hump on his back.’
‘Ay, I’ve got a smashing set of teeth, and they’re all me own.’ Ronnie grinned, revealing a set of strong white teeth. And after showing them off to Ada and Hetty, he turned his smile on the other two customers who were in the process of being served by young Barry when the two friends had entered the shop. Now they were being entertained, they were in no hurry to hand their money over for the meat which was wrapped and sitting on the counter. They didn’t want to laugh out loud, for it would show they were listening, and that was bad manners. So they bit on their lips when the butcher turned full circle, saying, ‘Even if I say it meself, I’m tall and slim, with no sign of round shoulders. I don’t want to sound big-headed, but I think I’m in very good shape.’
‘That’s nice to hear, lad,’ Ada said. ‘I admire people who look after themselves. Me and Hetty keep in good shape, too! Don’t we, sunshine?’ Without waiting for an answer from her mate, Ada went on, ‘I’m shaped like a Mersey ferry boat, and Hetty’s shaped like the twenty-two tram.’
Hetty’s laughter was joined by the other two customers’. And by that of young Barry, who had lifted his white apron to cover his mouth and smother his chuckles. Ronnie was a good boss, but his sense of humour didn’t stretch to being made fun of. ‘Not the twenty-two tram, girl, more like the bus what goes into the city centre.’
There was a sharp intake of breath from Ronnie, and the smile dropped from his face when he saw a large figure coming through the door of his shop. And when the ladies’ eyes followed his, there was a shuffling of feet and a marked difference in the atmosphere. For the woman was no other than Ivy Thompson, the neighbourhood troublemaker. The only person in the shop who didn’t cringe was Ada.
