Moonshine

by Bartley, Regina

  13

  and a half

  Moon

  What is she doing? I watched as Shine opened the door to my Mustang. She must not realize that I am still awake. It looked like she was drunk the way that she was staggering around. Hell, I think she left something for me. I searched around my room for something to put on. I slid on a dirty shirt off my floor and a pair of sweats, along with my tennis shoes that I didn’t even bother tying. A constant thought in my head kept me wondering why she would leave something in my car. Surely she saw my bedroom light on.

  When I opened the car door I saw the envelope lying there in the driver’s seat. I picked it up and opened it. I sat on the edge of the seat and opened it slowly.

  Dear Moon,

  I hope one day you will understand why I’m doing this. I have been a shitty friend for quite some time now and nothing that I can say will change that. I love you beyond words. You will always be my best friend, my very best friend in the whole world. I just can’t go on living this way. I’m sorry it has to end like this, and I am sorry that I blocked you from my life these past few months. Something so tragic happened in my life and I didn’t have the strength to overcome it. I used to picture my life and every moment with you in it. I am so sorry, Moon. There is no other way. I want you to know that nothing was your fault. My death will be solely on my shoulders alone. It’s because I’m weak and can’t take the pressure. It’s because all of this pain has filled up my chest so tight that I can’t breathe another minute.

  I know that you will feel responsible and blame yourself, but I don’t want you to do that. It was me that pushed you away. Me!! Please forgive me, and live the life that you were meant to live. Love the one that you were meant to love. You will be much better off without me in it. Goodbye my moon!

  All my love,

  Shine

  “FUCK!!!!!” I screamed and ran as fast as I could across the street to her house. Oh my God! What the hell is she thinking? I have to find her. Please don’t let me be too late. The front door was locked but I knew where the hide a key was. I fumbled with damn thing twice before I wiggled it open.

  “Shine, are you here?” I ran as fast as I could up the stairs to her room. I held my breath when I opened her door, because I didn’t know what I would find. “Nothing,” I released the breath I was holding. No lights and no sounds anywhere in the house. I kept screaming. “Shine! Where are you?” She was nowhere in this house. I opened the door in the kitchen that led to the garage and her car was gone. I wrapped my hands around my hair and pulled it tightly. “WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?”

  I ran back to my house and got my Mustang. My brain wasn’t even thinking. I pulled out of my driveway and headed towards town as fast as my car would take me. Think you idiot. Where the hell is she at? Maybe she was back in the school parking lot she seemed to stay there a lot. I went there first, but came up empty handed. The parking was vacant.

  THINK! I slammed my hands on the steering wheel, nearly beating it off of the dash. I drove straight into town hoping I would see her car somewhere. What if I am too late? I screeched my brakes at the red light that I desperately didn’t want to stop at. Then I saw it. Her car was parked at the old drive-in just across the way. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. When I saw that the coast was clear I ran the red light and sped over to her. Her taillights were on so I knew that the car was still running. “SHIT!” My lights shined on the back of her car and I could see that something was stuffed up inside the pipes.

  Never missing a beat, I jumped out of the car and ran over to hers. I didn’t know what to expect, and my heart was beating in my throat. I didn’t have time to think about it. I swung the door open and found her lifeless body in the seat. Shaking her hard and fast was the first thing I thought to do.

  “Shine Baby, please wake up. Wake up, damn it Shine. Don’t do this! I need you.” My cell phone didn’t seem to work fast enough. I called 911 and prayed that they would get to her in time. They had to save my girl.

  I wrapped her up in my arms as tight as I could. I never once felt a pulse, but that was okay. She was okay. I rocked her in the seat back and forth. Back and forth…

  “God Shine, I am so sorry.” I cried. “Please don’t leave me. I love you. I love you so much.” I pushed the hair back from her face as I continued to rock her. The silver star necklace that I gave her dangled from her neck, and I shook my head and cried harder. This can’t be fucking happening right now. I kissed her face over and over. “You are fine, baby. You are just fine. I am right here and I love you.”

  The ambulance showed up quickly and they had to push me to the side so that they could help her. I didn’t want to leave her, but I was in the way. They hooked up several machines and were yelling things that didn’t make a bit of sense to me. All I wanted to know is if she was okay. She had to be okay. Right?

  When the tragedy of what had happened finally hit me like a ton of bricks, I dropped to my knees and vomited all over that parking lot. It was my only response. Either that or pass out right there, so I chose to puke up my guts.

  The police officer who was on the scene came over to ask me some questions. He wanted to know exactly what happened, but I didn’t have all the answers. I told him what I knew and he didn’t pressure me for anymore. I left him with a name and phone number for her parents because I couldn’t call and tell them. Mom had said they were out of town and I knew that someone had to contact them. It sure as hell wouldn’t be me.

  When the ambulance finally left the scene, I didn’t have any news. I didn’t know if she was dead or alive and when I asked they wouldn’t tell me anything. Because I am not a sibling or relative, I wasn’t allowed to have any information. Stupid fucking rules! She’s eighteen and I was the one who called. I don’t understand. It would be hours before her parents made it here and I needed to know something. I just needed to know that she was alive.

  Somehow, I managed to get myself to the hospital. I would be there when her parents got there, and I would wait to hear them say that she was fine.

  Pacing didn’t seem to help and each time I went up to the nurse’s station no one would tell me a thing. The little short red-headed nurse, I think her name was Natalie, was very nice. She seemed like she wanted to tell me things, but was never able too. She came out to me once while I was in the waiting room and brought me some hot chocolate.

  “Why don’t you step outside and get some fresh air.” She spoke nicely and handed me the cup.

  “I don’t want to leave her. I need to know what is going on.”

  “I’m sorry that I can’t speak with you about her condition.”

  “Me too,” I sighed. “Thanks again for the drink.”

  “Listen, give me your hand.” I’m pretty sure that I looked at her like she was an idiot. “Just give it to me.” She pushed.

  I placed my hand in hers. She came over to the side of me where my palm was facing towards her. She took an ink pen out of her pocket and wrote the words EVIL A on my palm.

  “I don’t get it.” I was still dazed like a confused idiot. “What does evil a mean?”

  “Sometimes you just have to know these words to survive. It’s reflection.”

  “Oookay… Thanks I guess.” I shook my head. She was a serious whack job.

  I decided that maybe some fresh air would do me some good after all. I stepped outside. It was nearing daylight and the air was really cool out. Town sounded quiet and I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. Every time I thought about it I wondered what her last thoughts were before she drifted off to sleep. Was she scared? Did she hurt? Was she crying? I slammed my hands on the glass window behind me. I can’t believe she did this.

  When I lifted my head I could see my hands in the reflection of the glass. The words on my palm didn’t look much like Evil A this time. I dropped to my knees and cried again. She is ALIVE! That is what the words said in the reflection. Yes, the letters were backwards but it still spelled alive. I couldn’t catch m
y breath I was crying so hard. That nurse could have lost her job. I can’t believe she did this for me. This is what she meant by reflection. My laugh came out kind of strangled in my cry. She wasn’t a whack job; she was an angel.

  I don’t care what kind of shape she is in. We would figure all of that out later, but for now my girl is alive. I had to text momma.

  14

  Moon

  Three hours and thirty minutes later, her parents finally graced us with their presence. A part of me was pissed off that they had left her home alone in the first place. I mean, I know it wasn’t their fault. Truthfully, I just can’t decide how I feel, so being pissed seems like the easiest one. Not having any sleep doesn’t make things any better. I had not been to bed in I don’t know how many hours, and had just finished my third Mt. Dew. My eyes were still heavy, and all that shit did was make me piss every ten minutes.

  I was still pacing the floor in the waiting room when I heard Lizzie’s voice. When I stepped out into the hallway I saw that Bill was with her. Once Bill saw me he motioned me over. He wrapped me up in such a tight hug that I couldn’t breathe. “Thank you, Son.”

  It was his words that were choking me, not his hug. Since my dad has been gone, the thought of letting anyone in to that position had never crossed my mind. My dad was barely a dad at all to me. Come to think of it, Bill was probably the closest thing to a dad I ever had. To hear him say those words tore me up. I squeezed him back, but I couldn’t respond.

  “How is she?” Lizzie asked me while the nurse went to get the doctor.

  “I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. They won’t even let me see her. It doesn’t matter that I was the one to find her or that I held her in my arms. It doesn’t fucking matter that I have been pacing these floors for hours. I’m not family so they won’t tell me anything.” My voice raised louder with every word, but I couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry Mrs. Craven. I’m just upset. I didn’t mean to cuss at you. It’s not your fault. I apologize.”

  “It’s okay. I understand. I’m so glad that you were there for her tonight. Without you, our little girl would be dead.” She cried heavily into her hands. Not knowing what to do, I just hugged her. It seemed to be the go-to thing around here.

  The doctor interrupted us. “Mr. and Mrs. Craven, I am Doctor Osborne, head of the psychiatric department here. Should we go someplace more private?” He was looking at me so I backed up a bit.

  “No sir. He’s family so you may continue,” Lizzie replied.

  “Yes ma’am. Shine had a substantial amount of substances in her system. On sight, she was not breathing. They did an intubation, which is where they insert the tube in through the mouth to help her breathe. Once she was breathing, we were able to pump her stomach to eliminate the drugs from her system. She is stable now, but we have yet to know if there was any damage done to the liver or kidneys. We’re waiting on the blood work. With the type of drugs she administered, hemorrhaging can take place. However, she is showing no signs that would concern us. The blood test will let us know if her red blood cell count is abnormal. We have hooked her to an IV of Saline only to help flush out the remainder of the drugs and to keep her hydrated. Her blood pressure is very low, as well as her heart rate. However, there is nothing we can do for that at the moment. We are monitoring her closely. Once we get the blood work back we will know where to go from there. I will suggest that she seek psychiatric evaluation. Without any further complications, the hospital will still have to hold her for at least seventy two hours. That is protocol in these situations. Whether or not she seeks further treatment will be up to you and her.”

  “Can we see her?” Bill asked.

  “Yes you can. Just keep in mind that her body has been through a lot today and she needs to rest. Try not to upset her.”

  “What about the carbon monoxide? Did that do any damage? I mean can’t that hurt your brain or something?” I asked the doctor directly.

  Both of her parents nodded letting him know that it was okay to speak to me. “Fortunately for her, she wasn’t exposed to it long enough. It can be extremely dangerous if you consume too much. She obviously had her back up plan just in case the first one didn’t work. If she had been in the car too much longer under her condition she would be dead.”

  “I understand.” I nodded and just about bit off my bottom lip to keep from crying again.

  “You all may go in and see her now. She’s in room four o nine.”

  “Thank you.” The doctor shook hands with Shine’s parents.

  Lizzie headed straight down the hall in search for her room. “I’m gonna go home and check on Momma and get some sleep.”

  “You’ve waited all this time. Don’t you want to see her?”

  “I do, but she won’t want to see me.”

  “Sure she will. You saved her life.” He looked at me with concern in his eyes.

  “We haven’t really spoken much since the accident with my dad, and she told me she wanted me to leave her alone and give her space. That’s what I’ve been doing. It wouldn’t be right for me to go barging in there.”

  “But she said that everything was fine. She told us that the two of you were back on good terms and that she talked to you every day.”

  I shook my head no. “She was lying.”

  “I am sorry Son. Maybe once she gets better and realizes how much you have been there she will come around.” He patted my shoulder.

  “I hope you’re right. When you see her will you tell her I was here, and that I love her.” I didn’t look at him because I was afraid he might freak out.

  “I know you love her, but you have to be the one to tell her that, not me. You will get your chance. I’ll tell her that you’ve been here with her all night though.”

  “Thank you, Sir.”

  “You’re welcome, Son. You go home and get some rest.”

  “Will do.”

  The seventy two hours passed by quickly. I hardly slept the entire time. I read and re-read her note several times and each time I felt worse. The whole freaking situation happened so fast and I kept asking myself if I could have done something different. Her letter tore me up inside. She asked me to forgive her and told me that she loves me and that I was her best friend in the world, yet she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me. It makes no damn sense. Something was hurting her so bad that she couldn’t breathe and it felt to me like there was more to the story than a just a wreck, but what do I know. The girl shut me out so fast my head was spinning and I didn’t even have the chance to understand. The words love the one you were meant to love, have haunted my dreams every time my eyes closed. I replayed them over and over. Knowing all too well that I should have told her that I loved her, and maybe none of this shit would have happened. I will keep this letter and maybe when she gets well she will be able to explain things to me. Maybe she would let me tell her that I only love her and that it will always be her, no matter what.

  I’m sure that over the last couple of days her parents were sick of hearing from me. After the first three calls, her dad finally quit waiting for me to call and called me himself instead. Bill would call me every chance that he could, letting me know how she was doing. She luckily didn’t suffer any significant damages, but mentally she was a mess. When I spoke to Bill a couple of hours ago he said that she agreed to a long term treatment. When they discharge her today she’d go straight into the facility for treatment and counseling. The news was shocking. I wouldn’t have expected her to agree to get help and because she has, I feel like there is hope after all. Bill said that she didn’t struggle with the decision at all. Her mind was immediately made up. When I asked him how long she’d be away he didn’t know for sure. All he knew was she had agreed to ninety days, but it could be longer.

  Ninety days is a long damn time. Hopefully this would be what she needs to heal and maybe after treatment she will finally agree to see me. I can’t say for sure, but one thing I can say is that I’ll wait her out. I haven�
�t slept right since that day in the hospital when she didn’t want to see me. What’s ninety more days?

  15

  Shine

  Turns out dying wasn’t in the cards for me. When I woke up inside the hospital and they told me that Moon had saved my life, I was pissed. I know it wasn’t the reaction people were expecting, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like he had no right putting his big Moon head in my business.

  Then came day two and I could no longer be mad at him. In fact, once I stopped crying, I realized that I loved him even more. He saved my life. Now it was time to fix what he gave me back. I think. After all the medication left my system, I realized what a messed up thing I did and how lucky I really was. There are so many people that won’t ever get a second chance. I wonder how many of those people who actually kill themselves wish that they had another chance at life or that they could take it back. I have to get better. I would at least try, but this new chapter and new place scares the pants off me. Being alone with my feelings wasn’t something I was prepared for, but I didn’t have any time left. I was leaving for Peaceful Days Treatment Facility as we speak. I couldn’t even go home first. I agreed to go straight there as soon as I signed the release papers from the hospital.

  Mom had my bags waiting in the car when I climbed inside. There were a lot of bags in the seat next to me, to be only spending ninety days. It felt like it was going to be an eternity.

  When we pulled up in front of the building and I took a look around, it wasn’t what I was expecting. I thought it would look more like a hospital. It didn’t. It looked like a one story bungalow. It seemed rather low in its rise, and the color was a brownish green. It was very earth like and mellow, some might call it serene. I would consider a place like this more of a vacation spot, or at least I wish it was. Oh to be able to vacation away from your problems.