Moonshine

by Bartley, Regina

  “Wait, I thought you said the patient sets the goal.”

  “Normally yes, but this will be perfect for you.”

  “I don’t want to. I will never be ready for that. I can’t even look him in the eyes.”

  “I know, but you will.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Trust me. Now our time is up for the day, but this will give you something to think about for next week. We will meet the same time and day next week.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh. Who the hell does he think he is? I swear I’d like to wipe that happy grin off his smug little face.

  I tried to spend the rest of the evening alone in solitude in my room. I wanted to skip eating and people all together. I should have known that wouldn’t last. The knock on my door came way too soon and I wasn’t ready to open up to the outside world just yet.

  19

  Moon

  A fucking F in French, go fucking figure. “My mom is going to go bat shit when she sees these grades.”

  “Don’t sweat it man. We’ll figure it out.” Josh slapped my back.

  “Oh really, can you speak French?”

  “Wee wee,” he said jokingly.

  “I’m fucking serious,” I tried not to laugh.

  “I know. Surely there is someone in this school who can help. Why don’t you talk to the teacher and see if she can recommend someone to tutor you.”

  “I’ll try. It can’t hurt, right? Maybe she will take pity on me. I have to graduate.”

  “What is the plan after you graduate?”

  “First I have to graduate.” I sighed.

  “True that.” He held up his fist. I shook my head and punched his fist. I’m glad this boy always has my back. Right now I don’t know what I would do without him.

  “Listen man, I’m gonna go and talk to Mrs. Vail and see if I can get any help. If I have to show this grade to Momma, I got to at least have a backup plan. You know?”

  “All right, but don’t you have to work at your papaw’s tonight?”

  “Naw, I told him I couldn’t help tonight. I have a letter to deliver and some homework to catch up on.”

  “If you want me too, I will ride with you to take the letter. Then when we get back I will come home with you and eat some of your momma’s cookin. You know she loves me. Maybe I can help soften the blow of that big fat F you have to show her tonight.”

  I was walking backwards down the hall shaking my head. “You know that just might work. Do you have practice?”

  “Nope.”

  “Sweet okay, meet me at my car in ten minutes.”

  “Yep,” He nodded.

  It took exactly three and half minutes for me to convince Mrs. Vail that my father’s death was the reason behind my horrible grade. She felt such pity for me that she nearly cried. I felt guilty for about two seconds or until I realized that I might possibly fail. Then anything resembling a conscious flew right out the window. Mrs. Vail hugged me and sent me home with loads of extra credit. He shoots… And he scores.

  ***

  Josh and I loaded in the Mustang and set out for Cedar County. I had a letter to deliver. When I told Mrs. Gerry that I would write her every day, I meant it. It will be my own personal therapy.

  I took my time driving this time since I had company, and I knew what to expect when I got there. Josh didn’t waste time on grilling me about the future. I swear sometimes he is too damn responsible for his own good. He thinks just because he has a plan, that we all should.

  “I know that you don’t know what you want to do when you graduate, but you gotta figure something out. You need some kind of plan.” Josh had a point.

  “I know, and I’ll come up with something. I don’t have the grades to get in to some big university. I probably don’t even have the grades to get into Community College, but I will figure something out. I have been saving my money that I have earned from working on the farm, and I had planned on moving out after graduation. Papaw said that I could work for him as long as I wanted or needed. His back has really had him down lately and he could always use the help. So my plan for now is to continue what I’m doing, until a new and exciting plan takes its place.”

  “That’s fucking brilliant, man. You tell your momma what you told me and she will be sold.”

  “It’s not some genius plan bro.”

  “I know it ain’t. You are expecting me to bust your balls because you’re not going to college, but I don’t give a shit about that. I just wanted you to have a plan. For months you have been dragging your ass around looking like a lost puppy. I was about ready to beat some sense into you, but lately you been different. Something in that head of yours has gotten your mind thinking solid. Whatever it is, I’m glad.” He patted my shoulder.

  He had no idea what it was, but I did. She is my life support and without her I can’t breathe. She is the only person that has ever given me hope, and with these letters I feel like luck was finally on my side

  20

  Shine

  Much to my surprise it was Bradley on the other side of my door, and he had supper.

  “Am I in trouble?” I asked

  “You are gonna be if you don’t let me in the door. This shit is heavy.”

  I scooted way over and let him by, and he came right in carrying a tray that was loaded down with food. I wasn’t planning on eating, let alone a gorilla size amount. He brought enough to feed a horse.

  “Don’t you worry; half of this is mine, Sunshine.”

  “Sunshine?” I gave him a questioning look.

  “Yeah about that, I figured that you needed a nickname. I like Shine but that’s what everybody calls you, and I’m not everybody. So I decided that since Sunshine is bright and warm and lights the way, that it seemed fitting.”

  “I promise you that I’m not those things, but since we are giving nicknames what will I call you?”

  “You have to think of something. My so-called friends at home all called me, Brad.” He continued separating the food on my bed, one pile for me and one for him.

  “Then I won’t be calling you that.” He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. There was the cutest grin on his face, and those dimples just sucked me in. “ I could call you dimples, cause I can’t seem to get enough of yours.” He smiled. “What is your full name?” I asked.

  “Bradley Jonathan James.”

  “Your initials are B.J.” We both started laughing.

  “Fitting right?” I couldn’t stop laughing at him. It was just too hilarious.

  “Well I will only call you B.J when I am angry with you. All the other times I’m calling you Johnny.”

  He squinted his eyes at me and I thought maybe he was mad. “I like it,” he said. “Now come and eat, before it gets cold.”

  I sat down on the edge of the bed. He had prepared for everything. There were toasted subs, chips, fruit, drinks, and even dessert. “How did you pull this off, and won’t we get in trouble for not eating with everyone else? Gerry said,” I started to say but he cut me off.

  “Don’t worry about what Gerry said. There is always an exception to the rules somewhere, and since today was your first real day of therapy it’s the best reason ever. I explained how rough it was to experience Doctor G’s torturous field day on your brain and that you needed to be alone with your thoughts, and she bought it. She said for me to bring you some food and check on you, so I’m at your beckon call.”

  “Why thank you, beck-and-call-boy. Shall I lavish you with expensive gifts and show you a good time?”

  He spit his water all over me and the bed, he was laughing so hard. “I didn’t think you had it in you. You are funny, and I love Julia Roberts in that movie.”

  “You’ve seen Pretty Woman?” I asked, taking a bite of my sandwich.

  “I’m gay remember.”

  “I forget.” We continued eating our meal and having light conversation. It was nice. I couldn’t believe all of the trouble he had went through to make sure I ate,
and to make sure I was feeling better after my session. By far, it was the sweetest gesture ever. I cleaned up the mess and watched as he made himself all too comfortable on my bed. He had kicked of his shoes and roughed up the blanket before he lay back on my pillow. Just because we had established nicknames didn’t make it okay for him to be so comfortable.

  “Are you comfortable, Johnny boy?”

  “Why yes I am?” He raised his eyebrows up and down, which caused me to fidget more. I couldn’t even sit back down on the bed. “You little Sunshine, don’t look comfortable at all. You look like a deer in headlights,” he joked.

  “I’m not comfortable. The fact that you are so damn comfortable makes me uncomfortable.”

  “So you’re uncomfortable?” His laugh was loud and throaty.

  “All right, wise ass.” I picked up the closest thing I could find and chucked it as his head. Good thing he ducked because that text book would have hurt.

  “Damn girl. Remind me not to mess with you.”

  “Ha, ha.”

  “Listen, I have this plan, and truthfully I owe you one.”

  “What are you talking about?” I was confused. He didn’t owe me anything. If anything it was me who owed him.

  “Just hear me out, and you may want to sit down because I have a feeling what I’m going to say may freak you out a bit.”

  “You’re scaring me, Johnny.”

  “I love it when you call me, Johnny. It’s so sexy. Grrrrr,” he growled. Yes, he growled.

  “Now you are really scaring me.”

  “I’m kidding with you, Sunshine. Now sit your fine butt down because I really need to talk to you. I know you remember what I said about ripping of the band aid, so that is what I’m going to do.”

  I sat down slowly because I wasn’t quite ready to be hit by the Johnny bus. The way he was bouncing around the room like an addict needing his fix, scared the pants off me. It’s always me that’s on edge. Me. He was always the rational one who had a handle. To see him like this made me wonder if he’d skipped his meds for the day.

  “Okay, so here is my plan. I know something happened to you to make you afraid to be around men. Hell, you wouldn’t even let me shake your hand when we met. Being this close to you right now nearly breaks you out in hives. I get it. I haven’t questioned it or hounded you for answers. Frankly, it’s really not my business. When I read the letter that Moon gave to you, it did something to me. I could see it on your face and I can see it now that you love him. You are in love with that boy and before you can deny it, I got a plan to win his heart.”

  “I don’t want to win his heart. You don’t understand. This isn’t about making him fall in love with me.”

  “I know that. From the words in his letter it sounds like he already loves you anyway. You don’t need my help for that. Besides, this doesn’t even have to be about him. This is for you. Once you get better and get out of this hell hole don’t you want to be able to be at ease around men? In just a matter of days you have allowed me to touch you, and you have touched me as well. I promise that you can be healed. You just need my help.”

  “I don’t know. This wasn’t what I thought you were going to say. You don’t owe me anything and even if you did I wouldn’t ask for this. It sounds scary and unnatural. It’s freaking ridiculous. Did you expect me to be okay with this? What exactly do you plan on doing with me, because there isn’t enough medication out there to just throw me at some poor defenseless boy?”

  “That’s not what I had in mind. Seriously Shine, I didn’t bring this up because I wanted to hurt you. You have already helped me more than you know.”

  “Oh really. How?”

  “You really don’t know do you?” Was he serious? Of course I don’t know. I shook my head in defeat.

  “You are my only friend.”

  “What?” I patted the bed next to me. I know right. I couldn’t believe it either. I invited him to sit down, next to me, on the bed. I was trying to take baby steps, but this felt like forty five year old steps. This boy has no idea how far I have come just being in his presence.

  “Last year was my senior year in high school. I was captain of my school’s swim team and pretty damn popular. I was in a two year relationship with a girl named Maggie who I had gone to school with since she moved to town in eighth grade. She was one of the girls that hung with our crowd. I had always known that I was different and that I had an attraction to boys. As you can tell, I am not your stereotypical gay guy. Stereotypes just piss me off! I’m pretty sure that you didn’t even realize I was gay until our group session. That has always worked in my favor because without me telling someone then no one knew.

  A few months before graduation, Maggie and I sat down and had a talk about what was going to happen once we graduated. I knew that I didn’t want to carry on this relationship to college because it wasn’t real and I was hoping to find something more serious when I moved away and started my life. I hadn’t planned on telling anybody about being gay. No one would have understood, and I’m certain of that now. When Maggie and I started to talk about the future I told her that I was ready to end things, but that I loved her so much and I always wanted to be friends. I told her that I couldn’t picture my life without her in it. She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and we shared our first sexual experiences together. I know your probably wondering why I would have sex with her. Being gay was just who I was but being a man I still had needs too, and if I didn’t sleep with her what would she say? People would talk and I couldn’t cause that kind of a riot for myself. So I did it. She was my best friend after all and I wanted to make her happy too. That day that I told her that I couldn’t be with her anymore she had an emotional melt down. Her words were heart wrenching and she made me feel like a complete douche bag for taking her virginity and her heart. The words “I thought you were my friend” were etched into my soul and I couldn’t take it. I felt so guilty that I told her everything. I trusted her with my secret. I could see the look of turmoil on her face when I told her I was gay. What I expected her to say is that she was my friend and that we were going to be okay, but what she said was “you took two years of my life away and I slept with someone gay. How could you do this to me? I thought you cared about me?” She cut me so deep with her words. It was all me, me, me, me, me. Never once did she act as if she cared about me.” He wiped the tears off of his blood red face. The hurt was too much to watch. I was crying with him and my heart was just breaking into pieces for him.

  “Even though she was mad, I couldn’t help but think about how close we were at one point. I considered her to be my very best friend, but I was wrong. This secret was only mine to tell, and I trusted her with it, like a fool. The next day when I came to school it was a nightmare. The word fag was spray painted in red on the outside of my locker. Not one of my friends would look at me or speak to me. I was casted away so easily from the people I called my friends. I mean some of us had known each other since elementary school. And just when I thought school was bad, well home was way more severe. My dad has been Dover County Chief of Police for fourteen years and he is a very well loved man by many, with the exception of me. I suppose Maggie told her parents, who called my parents, and by the time I got home from school the whole damn town knew. They were so angry with me that they kicked me out of the house that night, but it wasn’t before my dad beat the shit out of me in the backyard. He kicked me over and over again and told me I couldn’t come back home, ever. He told me I was a disgrace to the family name, and that if I died tomorrow that I had better hope I had a friend somewhere in this world because he wasn’t claiming me.”

  “God that is so awful.” I said through my strangled cries. “Who would say that to their kid? I’m so sorry. I know that sorry doesn’t help, but I’m your friend and will always be your friend. I promise. I’ll be your family. You don’t need those sorry ass holes.”

  “I have to finish this story. I have to get it out.” He shouted into the air at nobod
y.

  “I’m listening.”

  “His words cut me like a knife, so that’s what I did. I cut myself that same night on my wrist. My intention was not to kill myself, but to just get his attention. It didn’t work. He had told the hospital that I was a threat to myself and society so they placed me in a different facility much like this one. I did my ninety days and the day I was leaving, no one showed up to take me home. No one cared or even pretended to care. That’s when I realized that I was alone and I would be alone forever. It has been a year since I last saw my parents and the people I called my friends. I never went back.”

  “But you said that you finished treatment. Why are you here?”

  “Just because I finished doesn’t mean that I healed. Since I left the last facility I have not had a steady home. I only had my clothes from home and nothing else. I know I dress well, but these are my clothes from home. My mom would always make sure I looked good. I had an image to upkeep. I’m surprised that she packed them for me when they sent me away. I guess she thought that I could at least be warm while I lived on the streets. I have practically been homeless and this is my fourth time in treatment. The hospital sends me every time.” He pulled up his shirt sleeves to reveal the scars on his arms. There were so many and they were all so deep. It’s painful to see them. I used my hands to touch his arm. I felt like he needed someone to know that they were there and that they were just scars. He pulled back at my touch and for the first time I felt what everybody else had felt with my flinching. It was a disgusting feeling and it broke my heart.

  “They don’t make you any less beautiful, Johnny.” I told him and hoped that he would believe me, but he got up and paced the floor again.