by Jillian Dodd
He laughs, leans his head on my shoulder, and smiles. "You always know how to make me laugh."
"That's because my answer has been the same ever since you started asking me that question ten years ago. Or whenever it was that you went through puberty. Danny, you and Lori have only been together for a couple years. She's not going to know all the stuff I know about. She has been acting differently lately, though. Her not remembering my birthday just glares at me. It's not that big of a deal. We forget sometimes, no biggie. But she's the girl in our sorority who never forgot a birthday and gave everyone an adorable hand-made birthday card. It's not like her."
"It's the preterm labor. She's been pissed at me since then. Although, it's weird, she didn't seem pissed when I got to the hospital. She was happy and relieved. It wasn't until a few days after that she started acting crazy."
"Danny, they put her on medicine to stop the contractions."
"Yeah."
"Does the medicine have side effects?"
"I don't know. Jesus, I hope that's all it is."
I grab my computer and set it on my lap. "I know they gave her a shot of something that started with a T at the hospital. Is that what she's taking now?"
"No, she's on progest-something."
""Progesterone?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"But that's a hormone."
"Yeah, that's it. It's a hormone."
"Well, no wonder. Hang on, let me look this up to be sure." I do a quick search then turn the computer toward him.
He reads. "Side effects can include upset stomach, appetite changes, weight gain, fluid retention and swelling, fatigue, and PMS-like symptoms. Oh my god. Why didn't the doctor tell me this? That's what it's like. She's in constant PMS bitch-mode."
He puts his hands in his face and rubs it.
"At least you know it's temporary. Danny, you love her."
"I do. Now I feel bad."
"Why?"
"Because she's pregnant with my baby and I'm telling you I want a divorce because she's being either an irrational bitch or sobbing lunatic and it turns out it's probably not her fault. She's taking the medicine to keep our baby inside her longer so it can grow and be healthy. I'm an asshole."
"Danny, you aren't an asshole. You just didn't understand. The doctor should have told you to expect this. Why don't you go see if she wants to go out for lunch?"
"Yeah," he says, getting up. "Thanks, Jay, for just listening."
"You know Phillip and I are always here for you."
"I tried talking to Phillip about it this morning. He said I should suck it up, be a man, and take care of my pregnant wife."
I melt. "Ahh, he's so sweet."
"I told him we'd revisit that conversation when you're a few weeks away from giving birth," Danny laughs. "See ya."
April 14th
Glimmers of us.
On Saturday as we're driving up to Omaha, Lori says, "I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. I don't know what's wrong with me lately."
"You're pregnant," I say. "It's okay. I know you've had a really hard time with it."
"I'm sorry I stomped out of your house too."
"It's okay. Just relax and enjoy the baby shower today. You get to see all your friends."
She smiles and pats her belly. "That will be nice. I'm so huge though."
"Of course you are. You're due in a few weeks. But you're wearing a cute dress and you're glowing with impending motherhood."
She nods. "Thanks, Jade."
The shower is so much fun and a huge success. Everyone loved the location and set up, and Lori got some adorable keepsakes from it, not to mention a boatload of gifts.
I arranged for Mrs. Mac to take Lori back to her house, citing that I had to run an errand.
I drive to the cemetery, stopping to get flowers on the way.
As I round the corner, leading to their plot, I see there is a funeral just finishing up. People in black are wandering back to their cars looking a little lost.
Which makes me sad. Sad other people have died. Sad another family had to bury ones they love. I say a silent prayer for them. A prayer hoping they will come to terms with it and find peace. A prayer hoping they don't wait as long as I did to come back to the grave of their loved one.
I park as close as I can, grab the flowers and the other items I brought with me, and walk to their headstone.
Reading their names engraved in marble stops me in my tracks.
It probably always will. Maybe because it doesn't seem like it could possibly be real.
It makes sense why they make headstones out of marble. It's cold. Hard. Like death.
I didn't tell Lori why I chose this date for her shower. I didn't want to ruin her big day with the fact that today is my dad's birthday and I wanted to visit his grave.
But now that I'm pregnant, it seems like the perfect day to tell them.
Like, in case they don't already know.
I run my hand across the marker, my fingers tracing their names and then my dad's birthdate.
"So, I know me coming here is unusual," I say to the stone. "But today is a special day." I set the flowers in the grass in front of the marker. "Happy Birthday, Dad. And although I can't really give you a gift, I want to tell you something. Something I wish with all my heart that you and Mom were here for. Something I know you would be so excited about. I mean, you probably wouldn't have jumped up and down like Mrs. Mac did, but I know you would have been super excited. I hope that somehow you still know what's going on in my life. Know how often I think of you. Hear me when I talk to you. But just in case you don't--" I set the adorable pink, fuchsia, and teal striped rattle down next to the flowers. "--I'm pregnant. Due on October the first. A fall football baby, who I'm going to teach how to hold its arms up in the air--for TOUCHDOWN!-- just like you taught me."
The tears that have been slowly trickling down my cheeks become more pronounced as I kneel on the ground.
"I have--I have a picture. I brought you a picture of the baby," I sob, setting the ultrasound photo down next to the flowers.
A voice says, "Jadyn?"
I turn to see Pastor John dressed in a dark suit.
"Oh, hey, Pastor."
He reads the stone. "Today would have been your dad's birthday."
"Yeah," I say with a smile, standing up and wiping my tears. "Were you just at the funeral over there?"
"Yes, I officiated. It was a car accident. Father of three young children. Tragic."
"Pastor, why does God let bad stuff happen? I know we all make choices and I get free will but then that doesn't make sense either. My parents didn't choose to die. Bad things happen to good people. I don't understand. I'm sure the people at the funeral you just did don't understand either, because it doesn't make sense. And, honestly, it's affected my faith."
"Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you believe your parents are still with you?"
"Yes. But is that just because it's comforting to me?"
"I thought you said you'd never come here. Is this your first time visiting?"
"No, I came here the night before Phillip and I had our last counseling session. Had a little meltdown."
"I heard about the meltdown. Your mother-in-law thought you'd call off the wedding."
"What did you think?"
"Honestly, I didn't think you would. It's pretty obvious that you and Phillip respect and love each other."
"Do you think my parents know what's going on with me? Like if there is something special going on in my life, would they know?"
"I believe they see glimmers of us. I picture heaven like a veil. They can't completely see the picture but sometimes they can make out images. I think love affects it."
"I'm torn about the whole grave thing. I feel like they aren't here, but yet I still came to tell them the news."
"And what news is that?"
"I'm pregnant."
Pastor beams. "Congratulations. How are you doing with that? I was thinking during c
ouples counseling you mentioned wanting to wait for a few years."
"Yeah, well, sometimes our brain and our heart aren't always on the same wavelength. Logically, there are a lot of reasons why waiting would have been more practical."
"And your heart?"
"It's thrilled. We had an ultrasound. Would you like to see the picture?"
"Of course."
I pull the photo out from under the flowers and hand it to him.
"Isn't the creation of life a miracle?" Pastor says, studying the ultrasound. "How far along are you?"
"I'll be sixteen weeks on Monday."
Pastor smiles. "I bet Phillip is over the moon about it."
"He is super excited."
"How's married life?"
"Mostly good."
"What's not good?"
"What's the best way to deal with your mother-in-law?" I ask.
He chuckles. "I wish I knew the answer to that. I've been married for thirty years and have given my mother-in-law three beautiful grandchildren, but I'm still convinced she doesn't like me that much."
"I love Phillip's mother, don't get me wrong. She's made me feel like part of their family. But, lately, she's said and done a few things that have made me feel like she thinks I'm not a good wife."
"What does Phillip think? Does he think you're a good wife?"
"Yes," I answer, not saying anymore because I think Mrs. Mac's version of an ideal wife and Phillip's are very different.
"Was she excited about the baby?"
"You should have seen when she found out. She was screaming and crying. But I'm worried I won't do things right. Or the way she thinks I should."
"Just remember, Jadyn, when she had her first baby she didn't know any more than you. My advice would be to respectfully listen to what she has to say, but ultimately it's up to you and Phillip how you raise your children. Things have changed since you were born. Lots of new technology. New theories on discipline. I have a parenting book that I highly recommend. I'll send you a copy. It's about raising confident children."
"That would be nice. Does it have advice for dealing with in-laws too?"
"It does. I use many of its techniques in dealing with everyone in my life."
"What does it say to do when she buys you a gift that you hate?"
"In our household, gifts like that are prominently displayed only when my mother-in-law visits."
"Interesting. One more question and I'll let you get going. What's your take on gnomes?"
"They scare me."
I laugh. "Yeah, me too."
As pastor heads to his car, I slide the ultrasound photo back under the flowers, kiss my hand and touch the headstone. "I love you guys."
I stay there, watch the sun set, then leave when it gets dark.
When I get to the Mackenzie house, I haul my tote bag up to Phillip's room then plop across his bed.
Me: I'm lying in your room. It's weird being here without you.
MacDaddyLovesYou: I miss you. Danny and Joey say they miss you too.
Me: What are you guys doing?
MacDaddyLovesYou: We're at the bar.
Me: I miss the bar.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Are you mad I'm out? We were supposed to just hang out at our house.
Me: No, why should I be? Wait. Are you at a bar or a club? Oh, gosh. You're with Danny and Lori is out of town. Tell me you're not going to the strip club. Lori will be pissed!
MacDaddyLovesYou: Will you be pissed?
Me: No.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Lori is. But why? She's never cared before.
Me: It's different because she's pregnant. She's emotional and needs Danny's support even if she's acting a little crazy.
MacDaddyLovesYou: To be honest, I'm worried about their marriage.
Me: I am too. Maybe it will be better once they have the baby. But somehow I don't think the strip club is going to help the situation. I'm sort of surprised you'd take him.
MacDaddyLovesYou: I'm not so sure about that. Everything I've read says that a new baby is stressful on your marriage. If pregnancy is this bad, what's that going to be like for them?
Me: I don't know. Just be there for him.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Why do you think I'm going to the strip club? We were in the basement playing pool, having a couple beers and next thing I know Danny had ordered a party bus, invited a bunch of guys from the team, and made reservations at the strip club. We're at a bar pre-partying waiting for everyone to get here.
Me: You're a good friend, Phillip. I just got to your house. I stopped at my parents' grave today. It was my dad's birthday.
MacDaddyLovesYou: I totally forgot about that. I'm sorry.
Me: It's okay. Can you believe in a few days it will be the 5th anniversary of their death?
MacDaddyLovesYou: No, I can't. You doing okay?
Me: Yeah, I took some flowers and a copy of the ultrasound picture. I wanted them to know. Like in case they don't already.
MacDaddyLovesYou: I think they already know. I love you. What are you doing tonight?
Me: Supposed to meet everyone at the bar.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Is Lori going to the bar?
Me: I assume.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Just keep her busy so she won't text Danny.
I change into some stretchy jeans that still fit and a black V-neck tee, and touch up my makeup.
When I hear the garage door open, I run downstairs. Chelsea and Lori come inside with Mrs. Mac.
"Hey, guys! Did you have a nice dinner?"
"You're awfully chipper," Lori says to me, looking irritated.
"I take it you heard about the strip club." I realize that going to the bar is probably the last thing she needs. She'll obsess over how skinny everyone is. She'll start thinking about Danny being at a bar where everyone looks like this. Etc. Etc. "I am chipper," I say, "because I'm excited for us. I thought instead of going out, we could have a slumber party. Make popcorn. Eat cake. Watch girly movies. We haven't done that in forever. Just us girls."
"That sounds fun," Chelsea says.
"Did you come up with that before or after you heard about the strip club?" Lori asks, bitchily.
"You know what, Lori? Why don't you decide what you want to do? We can go to the bar and meet everyone or we can do the slumber party thing. Either is fine with me. Just let me know," I say, as calmly as I can. I swear, I'm about ready to blow. Not only did she forget my birthday, but I worked really hard on the shower that everyone loved and she hasn't even said thank you. We all know that I'd rather go to the bar. I don't even care that I can't drink. I just want to see everyone. I remind myself of the medication she's on, calm myself down, and then turn toward Mrs. Mac. "You wouldn't happen to have any leftovers, would you?"
"I have some chicken enchiladas and rice."
"That sounds perfect," I say, following her to the kitchen.
"You sit," she says, as she takes a pan out of the fridge and dishes me out food. "You did an amazing job with the shower today, JJ. I'd never been at one quite like that. It was really fun. And all your sorority sisters are just so delightful."
"Thanks," I beam. I take a seat at the kitchen table, thinking about all the times I've sat at it. Eating peanut butter and crackers after school. Cake every year on Phillip's birthday. Family dinners. Pizza parties with our friends. The table has been here for as long as I can remember.
But I notice it's more shiny than usual and the long scratch from Phillip's backpack is gone.
"Your table looks different," I say.
"I had it refinished."
I look at the table some more, feeling sad. It used to have character and memories, which were all wiped away.
And even though I know the table we ordered will look new when we get it, I can't wait to have our friends carve their names in it. I can't wait for my kids to eat sandwiches on it. I can't wait for the first scratch. For the table to be a history of our time together.
Somehow, I have to figure out a way to ge
t her to return the table she bought us without hurting her feelings.
She's smiling and happily chatting to Lori about the baby shower. I'm nodding where it's appropriate but my mind is thinking about how appreciative she was when I let her help plan some of the wedding. Maybe that's the solution. Maybe I should take her to see the table we ordered. Or let her help me pick something out for the house.
I managed to convince both her and Mrs. Diamond that seeing the groom before the wedding wasn't bad luck. That it would be a special moment. Maybe I need to do something like that again.
Chelsea interrupts my thoughts as she slides into a chair next to me. "Decorating the onesies was such a cute idea. Everyone loved it. I'd love to do that for my shower. I'm also dying to read the advice. Are you going to share them, Lori?"
"Maybe," she says. "I thought I would save them until after the baby is born."
Mrs. Mackenzie takes a plate out of the microwave and sets it in front of me. "Where did you go after the shower today?"
"I visited my parents' grave. Today was my dad's birthday."
"April fourteenth," she says, shaking her head. "That's right. I can't believe it's been almost five years since they passed. How are you doing?"
"I'm okay," I tell her. "Pastor John was there. I told him about our pregnancy."
"I bet he wasn't as excited as I was," she chuckles.
I feel my phone vibrate and peek down at my lap.
Phillip: Just so you know, I confiscated Danny's phone. Lori is being a HUGE bitch. I didn't realize how bad it is. It's not often I do this, but I'm feeding him shots. He needs them. Love you, Princess.
"So what did you girls decide?" Mrs. Mac asks. "If you're staying here, I'll make you some mocktails. Maybe mudslides and strawberry daiquiris?"
