by Jillian Dodd
Lori looks down at her phone and sighs. "That sounds good. Let's stay here."
I decide to do what I can to make Lori have fun and forget where Danny is.
We watch as Mrs. Mac throws stuff in the blender and then she sets pitchers on the table while I get glasses.
Chelsea pours us each a drink and I say, "Okay. We're setting some ground rules for this slumber party. All pregnancy, birth, and baby words and topics are off limits starting now. Tonight, we're just girls."
"That's good," Mrs. Mac says. "You need to just be a girl sometimes, especially once you become a mother--"
"Drink!" I yell out, pointing at her. "Uh, sorry, old habit. But you just committed a party foul."
Mrs. Mac is taken aback. "Oh, well, I was just going to say that no matter what your uh, role is in life--that you should always remember to take care of yourself. You are first and foremost a woman. Wife and mother--"
"Uh . . ." I say, while chanting, drink motherfucker in my head, but feeling proud of myself for not yelling it out.
"--all come later," she finishes.
"I got a whole lot of advice about that role today," Lori says. "And what's the deal? Do women take pleasure in scaring us by describing their deliveries?"
"Uh, drink," I say to Lori as Mrs. Mac places a delicious looking slab of chocolate ganache cake and three forks in front of us.
"Damn," Lori says, automatically taking a chug of her mudslide. Old habits die hard.
"You cussed too," I remind her.
She takes another drink, laughing.
"I haven't had this much fun in a while," she says, as a hunk of cake makes its way toward her mouth, barely hanging onto the dainty dessert fork.
But her question has me thinking. "Um, Mrs. Mac, I was talking to Pastor John today and he was telling me about his mother-in-law. Did Mr. Mac's mom like you?"
"You said mom and mother," Chelsea points out.
I happily take a slug of mudslide.
Mrs. Mac frowns. "She didn't really approve of me."
"Why?" I ask.
"Even though we'd been dating for quite some time, getting--" She stops before she says pregnant. "--Um, Ashley was a surprise. We eloped which really upset her. But you have to do what's right for you as a couple. And eloping helped us avoid the drama. Well, sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"I was still in college while carrying, um--our surprise."
I squint at Lori and we agree to let the carrying slide.
"This one time she came to our apartment and complained because it was a mess. Said something about how her son wasn't raised that way."
"What did you do?" Lori asks her.
"I told her it was her son's mess. That didn't go over well. Doug's family was fairly well off. My family was just pretty normal. She thought I tricked him into marrying me for his money. They really weren't that well off," she says under her breath. "Sure they owned the business that he eventually took over, but it was struggling. He made it what it is today. Anyway, I'm headed to bed. You girls enjoy your night. There's more leftover chicken enchiladas and homemade salsa in the fridge if you get hungry later."
"Thanks," we say in unison.
Once she's out of earshot, Chelsea levels her gaze at me. "How did Phillip's mom go from a newlywed with a messy apartment to Martha freaking Stewart?"
I shrug. I was wondering the same thing myself.
"Do you think that will be us someday?" Chelsea asks. "Like when we have--um, houses of our own. Will we get better at that stuff?"
"I think so. Did you hear Danny's cousin talking?" I ask.
Lori says, "Yeah. She made it sound like she was in--uh, pain for three days straight before she gave--uh, before the event."
"You can say it," I tease. "You'll just have to drink."
"This mudslide is so good. I feel like I'm drinking but I'm not. And fine, I'll say it. Does anyone really have three days of labor?" She automatically chugs her drink.
"She mentioned that she had a huge--um, that she required numerous stitches afterwards as well," Chelsea says. "Just thinking about that makes my nether regions hurt."
"She was exaggerating," Lori says. "No one takes three days for the event."
"My point, though, is that she said all her two-year-old eats are apples, chicken fingers, and strawberry pop tarts."
"Sounds like my college diet," Lori laughs.
"Exactly!" I say. "Meaning we can handle it."
Lori smiles. "Yeah, you're right. We can handle it."
I get brave and ask her what has really been on my mind. "Lori, are you and Danny doing okay?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"I heard you were mad they were going out. That kind of stuff never bothered you before."
She plays with the ends of her hair then pats her baby bump. "Does it bother you?" She turns to Chelsea. "What about you? Joey is with them. You're starting to show. You're a few weeks behind Jade and your stomach is way bigger."
"What's that got to do with anything?" Chelsea says. "It's not like I'm fat. I'm pregnant. Besides, Jade is taller than me. My mom said she popped out right away too. Different body types carry babies different ways. And, no, it doesn't bother me at all. I trust Joey."
"It doesn't bother me either," I say. "They're being guys, having fun. It's not like they go very often. The last time was Phillip's bachelor party."
"I know it was," Lori says. "And bachelor parties are usually the only time he goes."
"Why don't I heat up some more enchiladas and we watch a movie?" I suggest. I don't want her dwelling on the club. I shouldn't have even brought it up, but I wanted to make sure they're okay.
"I can't wait to put my feet up," Lori says. "They're swollen for some reason."
"You go do that. I'll heat up the food."
Chelsea plops on the couch while Lori perches on the edge of it, moving pillows around before leaning back and getting comfortable.
I throw the enchiladas in the microwave and make up a tray of chips and salsa.
Lori says, "Jade, do you think Danny would ever cheat on me? Honestly?"
"I honestly don't, Lori," I say, setting the food on the coffee table.
"He cheats at board games," she counters.
"Yeah, he openly cheats. That's different."
Chelsea chooses a movie we've seen a million times.
When I go into the kitchen to get more chips, I send Phillip a quick text.
Me: How's the party?
MacDaddyLovesYou: Danny is buying rounds of lap dances.
Me: Are they better than the one I gave you at your bachelor party?
MacDaddyLovesYou: Yours was by far the sexiest.
Me: I can't dance.
MacDaddyLovesYou: You gave it a good shot. And you earned shoe money.
Me: I gave the money back to Danny.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Hmm, well . . . wanna earn some more when you get home?
Me: I love you. Have fun. Be good. Don't get arrested. And don't let Danny drink too much.
MacDaddyLovesYou: I have all but the last one covered.
Me: Then don't let him do anything stupid.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Have I ever?
Me: Well, you have tried. Doesn't always work. It needs to work tonight. I think his marriage is at stake. Seriously.
MacDaddyLovesYou: Got it. But we both know he's not going to cheat. Is he having fun? Yes. Is he a cheater? No. Never has been.
Me: True. Okay, I gotta go. Have fun.
Me: But, like, not too much fun.
"So the guys were doing their list of nevers at the Super Bowl party," I say, setting the chips down. "Do you have anything you swear you won't do when you're a parent?"
"My kids will never eat fast food," Lori says.
"I think it's easy to say you'll never do something," Chelsea says to her, "but when I took my nephews to their hockey practices while my sister went Christmas shopping a few months ago, I got them fast food. I know my sister doesn't let
them eat that stuff--hell, I won't even eat it unless I'm drunk. I know it's bad for you, but they were whining, crabby, and hungry and when I suggested getting some food, they casually suggested a drive thru because we didn't have much time. It wasn't until later, when they were happily munching down fries and drinking Mountain Dew like it was the nectar of the gods, did I remember my sister had a no-fast-food rule."
"Well, sometimes when you're traveling or in a hurry, you need to stop for something quick," I sympathize.
"No, wait," she says. "There's more. And if it wasn't bad enough I broke that rule, I told them not to tell their mother. I taught them how to lie! I don't know how she does it. Whenever they go somewhere it takes her forever because she has to pack a freaking cooler--like just to go for a drive because the boys get hungry. She always has a healthy array of snacks."
"Although I disapprove of fast food as well," Lori says, "you weren't prepared. Your sister should have packed you a cooler."
"You're right," Chelsea says. "See, it wasn't my fault. Except maybe for the lying. But she would have been mad at me--although I thought she did all her Christmas shopping online, but she said she and her husband were going together. Maybe they just needed some time alone."
"I read an article that says it's important to still have a date night with your husband even when your kids are little and you don't want to leave them," I say.
"Her boys are seven and nine. They actually have a really good babysitter. That's one thing that will be awesome if Joey and I move here after I graduate. Like if one of the jobs works out." Lori smiles at me. I know Danny has already decided to hire Joey and is putting together a sweet package for him.
"I'm sure one of them will," I say.
"My sister owes me. I babysat those kids when they went on vacation. Three years in a row."
"How's the wedding planning going?" Lori asks Chelsea.
"How did your parents take the news?" I ask, knowing her parents are very driven.
"They were freaking out a little at first. Worried I wouldn't graduate. Worried we'd only been dating for a few months but then I told them about how long I've known him--the almosts. I also mentioned that my big sis, Jadyn, has known Joey since like birth."
"First grade," I correct, "but close enough."
"See. And they like Phillip. They're relieved Joey has already graduated. I told them about the job possibilities. Kind of insinuated one was a done deal--but that was just to put their minds at ease that we won't starve or anything. His parents, on the other hand, were very excited and supportive. They seem to like me. My dad kinda growled at Joey when we told them. And I'm happy. Once I got over the shock. I mean, it's not like I expected to be pregnant now but I'm so amazingly happy. I was emotional and was nauseous for the first couple weeks but that's about it. I feel pretty good now."
"I hate you," Lori says. "You and Jade at going to be like pregnancy unicorns wearing high heels and looking gorgeous and I'll be the dumpy one in her husband's sweat pants."
"Lori," I say. "You never look dumpy."
She sighs. "At least people can finally see that I'm pregnant and not just fat."
"Is it really that bad?" Chelsea wonders. "Because I can't wait to have my stomach look like that. It will mean my baby's growing and healthy."
Loris eyes get huge. "I didn't mean that I don't want a healthy baby and I know it's worth it--Aw, shit. I don't know what the fuck I want. Danny is driving me nuts--hell, I'm driving myself nuts."
"And you said three curse words in a row," I say gently.
She ignores me.
"I'm emotional. I cry for no reason. I'm sensitive. It's like some sulking, insecure, PMSing fifteen-year-old is living inside me, controlling my emotions. Danny is so sweet and so good to me, but he can't do anything right. In my mind, I know I'm being ridiculous with the way I'm acting but it's how I feel. Like my emotions are on my sleeve. I'll be lucky if he doesn't divorce me before the baby comes. I'd deserve it. See? I suck. I made him rub my feet before I forgave him for showing the guys my pregnancy underwear. They don't even fit me, but the girls at the store said I would need them eventually."
"Joey thought they were a tire cover," I laugh.
She laughs too. "If Danny would have told me that I would have been hurt."
"He says you blame him for how you feel."
"I do!"
"So maybe you need to flip your attitude. Maybe think of your pregnancy as an amazing gift."
"Are you sending me to Babyville?" She rolls her eyes. "I love him but there are days I look at him and want to hurt him. I'm crazy. And to make matters worse, I got invited to lunch with Mitzi Nathaniel."
"Dirk Nathaniel's wife?" I ask.
"Yeah, he's one of the team captains and she's sort of the goddess of the football wives. Goes to games all decked out in designer clothes. Heels. Fur. Has four kids and looks perfect. All. The. Time."
"I read an article about her while I was waiting at the doctor's office. She has a nanny, fitness instructor and a chef. That's why she looks perfect all the time," I tell her. "So, what do you think? Do you have some nevers?"
"I do!" Chelsea offers. "I will always get up, shower, and get dressed even if the baby hasn't slept much that night. I won't wear my pajamas all day."
"I will never get a minivan," Lori says. "Maybe an SUV, but no minivans."
"That was on the boys' list," I say with a laugh.
"I have a birthing plan," Lori admits. "I don't want them to give me pain medication."
"My sister says the only words you need to remember when you give birth are, I'll have the epidural, please. She had one kid with pain medicine and one without. She says the one with was a much nicer experience. I'm the girl who had to do tequila shooters when she twisted her ankle. No way I'll survive that kind of pain without help. Plus, as my sister says, why would you want to?"
"I've read that it slows down labor," Lori says.
"To which my sister would counter, So I had two extra hours of pain-free labor. So what?"
"What about you, Jade?" Lori puts me on the spot. "Do you have a birthing plan?"
"Not yet. I'm just hoping there is a birth."
"What do you mean?"
"I had kind of a bad dream the other night," I admit. "I was bleeding."
"It's normal for pregnant women to have bad dreams. It doesn't mean anything," Lori tells me, smoothing out her napkin obsessively.
"Have you been having bad dreams?" I ask pointedly.
She sighs. "Yes. But they haven't been about the baby. They've been about Danny."
"What about him?"
"He's cheating on me, but who could blame him? In my dreams, I'm the size of a moose and haven't washed my hair in weeks. I wake up bawling. He's such an idiot in them. It's like nothing I say affects him. That's almost scarier than finding out he cheated. And in the dreams, I witness the cheating, I call him out on it, and he acts like I'm being ridiculous. And I'm thinking he can't be that dumb. But then I do think he's dumb. I want him to swear to me it's not true, but he just sits there with that smirk of his and doesn't really say anything."
"I had a lot of crazy dreams before the wedding. You told me it was because it was on my mind."
"I can see that about something pertaining to--wait, are we still playing?"
"We haven't been, but we should be," Chelsea says. "Be right back. I have to pee."
"Okay--uh, pertaining to the little monkey, but not Danny. Did you know I signed a prenuptial agreement?"
"It doesn't surprise me. Mr. D had Phillip sign one. He says anyone who comes to a marriage with a significant amount of assets should."
"I know. And he told us that he hoped our marriage would never end, but that it's better to set the terms while you're in love than when you aren't on good terms. It all makes sense. And this is going to sound bad no matter how I say it, so please don't take it wrong."
"Uh, okay."
"But when you're--uh, with a little monkey, you come to the re
alization that you are stuck with your husband. No matter what you do, once you bring a, uh, monkey into the equation, he will always be a part of your life."
"Well, yeah," I say. "Common sense tells you that."
She sighs. "I think in the back of my mind I always felt like if we didn't work out that I could get out of the marriage. No harm. No foul. We go our separate ways. And now, if he leaves me, I'll be a twenty-three-year-old single mom. I think that's why I'm having dreams about him cheating. Because for the first time I've realized that I need him. I don't think I can do this by myself. And that makes me feel helpless and unconfident. Combine that with the fact that I'm a super-sized version of myself, you can see why I am a bit of a wreck and why my husband being at a strip club makes me want to simultaneously scream and cry. And if I'm being really honest, I know the things he loves most about me--my confidence, my intelligence--is gone. I don't know if I can handle a ba--uh, shoot, a monkey. And I'm afraid if I don't know everything he won't love me anymore. It's a vicious circle."
"It's just a night out with the boys, Lori. Don't make it more than that. You were pregnant--"
"Ha!" she yells, pointing at me. "Drink!"
I take a drink then finish my sentence. "You were pregnant during Phillip's bachelor party and Danny didn't cheat on you. So you don't have to worry now."
She tilts her head. "That's the most sense you've made all night."
"Remember my wedding disaster dreams? None of them happened. And Phillip told me that you can change your dreams. If he's cheating on you in your dream, whip off your ugly costume, reveal the gorgeous slinky skinny dress you're wearing, and know that he wouldn't because you're beautiful to him pregnant."
"Did he tell you that?"
"He did. Before the wedding. Don't be so hard on yourself."
"Back to the nevers," Chelsea says, joining us back on the couch. "I'm never going to be too tired for sex."
To which Lori chuckles but doesn't say anything.
So I tell them, "I was in the grocery store the other day and this kid was lying on the floor in the cereal aisle screaming bloody murder. Her little body was flailing in ways that seemed anatomically impossible. I felt bad for the mother, but what did she do to set the poor child off? I would have been horrified, but she was ignoring it. She was talking to the cereal instead. Saying something about how only the strongest, healthiest cereals could come home with them. I'm pretty sure she had gone batshit crazy. My child will never have a tantrum in a store."
