by D. A. Roach
“Yeah, he is just easily distracted on campus and is not studying enough. I’m worried he is a Gabby part 2.” Greg, referring to my underachieving freshman year flunk-out roommate, got my attention. I didn’t choose Gabby, she just happened to be my roommate. But David was my friend and I couldn’t watch him toss his college career out the window.
“David, grab some books - study session in my room in 5 minutes.” He looked at me surprised but hurried into his room to gather his things.
I was determined to help bring David into our study environment. Maybe I could help him out and keep him from flunking. He was already bright, he just needed a little help.
“Goodnight to you Popsicle King.” I teased Greg as I kissed his cheek goodnight.
“Later Perry, sweet dreams,” he returned.
“Later Jared.” I said and waved.
And off Molly, David, and I went to our den of studying.
Chapter 4
“Ok, this is the last question I am answering and then you need to study!” I scolded David.
He snickered and scratched his nose, “Ok, agreed. What did you see in Jared? I heard you had it bad for him last year.”
“Ok, I take it back. This study session is done.” I said as I threw a pillow at David’s head.
“What? What’s the big deal? Just answer the question. Or do you still have feelings for him?”
“UGH!” I looked around the room and found Molly just looking back at me awaiting my answer as well. “Fine. He is nice and a genuine good person. He doesn’t do anything to please others, he is his own confident self and that’s kinda a turn on to me. Plus he is super smart and ...easy on the eyes.”
David began gagging and fake vomiting and Molly laughed hysterically.
“Never mind. It’s in the past. I am all about school and rockin’ the grades this year. And speaking of grades...you need to get focused Mister!”
He put his hands up in surrender and actually began reading his textbook. I returned to my Chemistry study sheet but could feel his eyes on me from time to time. I didn’t dare look up. I didn’t want to encourage any attraction he had for me. I just wanted to be friends. I didn’t need any boy drama to distract me this year.
After 2 solid hours of studying, I was ready to call it quits for the night.
“David, you have to scoot. I am getting tired and I have an early lab tomorrow. Pack up and I’ll escort you out.”
He packed up his stuff and said goodnight to Molly. “Thanks for looking out for me and helping me study.”
“No problem. Why do you think you have a hard time studying?” I asked as we walked out of the girls’ corridor..
“I think I just had a routine down at home and I haven’t found a routine here at college. It’s easy to get distracted.”
“It sure is. But if you aren’t careful, you could flunk out. Do you remember the story of my roommate Gabby?”
“Wasn’t she part vampire? Slept all day, out all night?” We both laughed. “But seriously, anytime you and Molly are studying, let me know. It helped. Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome David. Goodnight.” We gave a quick hug.
I retreated back to the girls’ side of the dorm but felt him watching me. Why did I have the ability to attract guys, but had no luck landing the ones I was pursuing? I must be doing something wrong.
I went back to my room, grabbed my shower caddy, and headed for a shower. I couldn’t help thinking about how fortunate some of these kids were being naturally smart. I on the other hand had to work hard for every bit of knowledge in my brain. I spent hours with my text books just to get decent grades. My friends could have aced every class if they worked as hard as I did at studying. I often joked that I wanted to sleep with my book under my pillow the night before my test in case osmosis worked. Since I had a test at the end of the week I could test the osmosis theory out.
I returned to my room freshly showered. I hated sharing a bathroom with 40 other girls, but it felt refreshing to wash the day away. Molly was already in her pj’s and was flipping through TV stations. “Hey Perry, your mom called. I told her you were in the shower.”
“Thanks, I’ll call her tomorrow. I am pooped and need to get up early. You going to bed soon?”
“Yep, in a few minutes. Goodnight Perry.”
“Goodnight.” I climbed into my side of the loft and pulled the blankets around me. Before I knew it I was off in dreamland.
“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Perry...Happy Birthday to you.” I make a wish and blow out the candles on the most beautiful birthday cake ever.
I look across the room and see Jared smiling at me amongst the room full of friends and family. Something about his smile feels like a warm embrace. I’ve missed being around him and am glad he is here at my birthday.
The plates of cake are passed around until everyone has one. I reach for mine and find my mom standing there holding the plate out of reach and tsking at me. “Sorry Perry, you are on a diet. No cake for you chubby” she smiles. I look around and find that she has said this loud enough for everyone to turn their attention to me. I am mortified that my mom is calling me fat in front of everyone, in front of Jared.
“Are you kidding me?!” I holler. “It’s my birthday! You aren’t going to let me have cake at my own birthday party?”
She smiles and replies “You wouldn’t want to be a heifer would you?” I am at war with my emotions. I want to celebrate my birthday by eating a slice of cake, but now I am repulsed by it and if I eat it, I will hear her repeat over and over about what a cow I am. I am also embarrassed and mortified that these guests have heard this. Jared has heard this. And if he thought I was cute before, he will now think I am a cow. I look across the room at Jared. He looks stunned and in disbelief. Everyone else is chatting and enjoying their cake, my cake, with no fear of being called a cow. I feel the tears well up into my eyes and run away to a dark room in our house to hide in shame.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
My annoying alarm had woken me from my nightmare. I shook my head to try and get rid of the remaining negativity left behind by the dream and hop down out of the loft. Why was I combining past events that happened in my life with current character? Jared wasn’t at my 7th birthday party to witness this embarrassment. I grabbed my clothes I laid out and began to dress.
“Hey Perry, what’s the temp supposed to be today?” Molly mumbled from her bed.
“High of 55, I think. Sweater weather.”
“Ugh, okay, thanks.” She rolled over and fell back asleep.
I finished getting ready and headed down to breakfast with my book bag. I was thinking about my awful dream and how it felt so much worse with Jared being a witness to my mom’s humiliating words.
After grabbing some cereal and a banana, I found a quiet spot next to the window to sit and enjoy my breakfast. I wondered why I had that dream last night. I wondered why Jared was in it. Maybe David asking all those questions brought him forward in my mind? Maybe I dreamt about the birthday cake incident because Molly mentioned my mom calling right before bed? I should meditate before bed the next time she informs me my mom phoned.
“Penny for your thoughts.” I looked up and found Jared sitting across from me. I blinked several times because it seemed surreal. It was awkward seeing him in front of me and I could not tamp down the feeling of shame that resided in me from the dream.
“Umm, just trying to figure out a weird dream I had last night. What are you doing here?”
“Eating breakfast, like you. I have an early class today. What happened in the dream?”
“Ahh, nothing, it was just weird. You were in it, believe it or not.” I laughed and looked up at him. After I said it, I had wished I could take it back. I did not want to discuss my dream with Jared, I guess I was just nervous and impulsive.
“All right! I hoped I’d be in your dreams one day. Looks like that day finally came.” Oh no, he was flirting in his Jared
way again. I had worked so hard to separate from him and forget about him and here he was throwin’ a rope at me.
“Please. Don’t inflate that head of yours.” I teased. “Nah, someone mentioned your name before bed and it must have made you co-star in the dream.”
“Well, hopefully it was a good dream.”
“Actually, it was more of a nightmare, but it’s not worth talking about.” He looked at me shocked, but laughed it off. “What’s new? I haven’t seen you around much. “
“Yeah, same here. I’ve just been busy with school. Classes are more demanding this year.”
“Mine are too. Hey Jared, I just thought of something. I have a physics test this Friday. I could use some help studying for it and you are a Pro at Physics. Can you help me study for it?” This felt like playing with fire. I really needed the help studying, but did I need it from Jared?
“Absolutely, how about tomorrow night?”
“Yes! Awesome. How about 6 o’clock in your room?”
“You’re on. Listen, great seeing ya’ but I gotta’ bolt. See ya’ tomorrow, if not sooner Perry.”
“Bye.”
I felt a faint flicker in my heart as he flashed a smile at me before he turned to head out of the cafeteria. It was just a study session. Nothing more. I needed to keep my head in the game.
Chapter 5
“You are going to Jared’s room for a study session?! Ooo I feel something brewing!!!” Jen teased.
“Stop it and go have sex with your boyfriend or something! Leave me alone. I am struggling with physics and he is so smart at it. I just need to tap into that brain of his.”
“Perry, first of all, you can use a crib sheet on the test - why bother studyin’? Just make a kickass crib sheet. Second, you want him, not just his brain. And third, I think I WILL go have sex with my boyfriend. Thanks for the suggestion.” I rolled my eyes at her.
“Don’t forget to doll up. You know you want him!!!” Eye roll number two.
“Go away you sex fiend! Leave me alone.” Jen skipped down to her room with a smile on her face.
I loved Jen to death but I barely saw her. Teasing each other just made me miss her more. She and Edward were inseparable and their hormones were out of control. She believed everyone should be having sex regularly. I was not trying to join her sex nation. I had already made a kickass crib sheet, and had my notebook, so I pinched my cheeks and spread some lip gloss on before heading to the guys side of the dorm.
Jared was waiting at the entrance, leaning against the door. He looked breath taking. He was lean with broad shoulders, brown messy hair, and a striking profile. It took my breath away seeing him standing there. Ok, study session, no feelings for him. Feelings for him led to hurt and pain last year. This year is about grades and staying at this college. Physics, physics, physics. Just then he looked up and saw me. He smiled at me and I melted. What was this pull that he had on me? I hated turning into such a marshmallow around him.
“Hey Jared. Thanks for helping me tonight.”
“Glad to help. Greg is out shooting hoops with David so it should be quiet in my room.”
All alone with Jared. Grades, Staying here.
“Great.” I followed him to his room and sat in one of their old chairs. I felt goose bumps growing on my arms and my stomach felt all jumbled. Maybe this was a bad idea. How much would I end up learning when my body was screaming at me how excited it was? I was torturing myself by being here. But maybe I was wrong, maybe I could pull it together and do this. I unpacked my book, crib sheet, and notes. “I worked on my crib sheet today and I think it covers everything.”
“Crib sheet? You don’t need a crib sheet for the test. Let me see that thing.”
“Careful with it. Yes I do need it.” I stated.
“What the heck Perry!” Jared flipped the crib sheet over in his hands, lifted flaps, and pulled out the accordion-style folded panel with my most prized equations. I gleemed proudly at my piece of art. I had worked hard and hoped it would be a huge help on the test. “This thing is multi-layered. Why are all these sections colored differently?”
“To keep sections organized.”
“Ten bucks says they won’t let you use this.”
“What? No way. They totally will. It’s still single paged!”
“Yeah, POP-UP single page. “ He laughed and shook his head in disbelief. He then put the crib sheet up high and settled in next to me in another chair. “All you need is one equation. All the rest can be derived from that one equation.”
“Jared, that will take me the whole test period! My brain is not super physics brain like yours. I can’t derive like you. I need cheat sheets!”
“You don’t Perry, trust me.” Jared spent the next 2 hours trying to teach me how to derive tons of equations from just one. I spent those 2 hours resisting his teaching. It was actually an enjoyable argument and a fun study session. In the end, I didn’t learn much but I felt reconnected with Jared.
“Thanks for teaching me nothing.” I joked as I was packing up.
“Hey, I was teaching you plenty, you just turned your ears off and got stubborn.” he poked me in the ribs. “But, you’re welcome and anytime you need something, let me know.” He wrapped me in a hug and we said goodnight.
When I made it back to the room I noticed Molly was still up. “Well, how did the study session go?” She inquired.
“Great, I didn’t learn a thing,”
“What?”
“He tried, but he is too smart for me. I need someone less smart to tutor me.” The insane statement that just came out of my mouth was honest but absurd. “He didn’t want me to use a crib sheet. Can you believe it?”
“Really? Why?” She asked.
“Something about deriving all equations from one. Like I said, too smart for me.”
She laughed. Just then our room phone rang and we both jumped. I grabbed it and answered.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Where the hell have you been?” It was my mom. I had forgotten to call her back and she sounded angry.
“Mom, sorry, I’ve been busy. I have a big test this week and just got busy studying.”
She could care less about my excuse and I knew she’d react that way, but my instinct was to defend myself. Unfortunately, it only led to a bigger fight in the end.
She spent the next 10 minutes arguing over my irresponsibleness in not calling her back and 20 minutes bragging about the incredible achievements she accomplished at work and how all her bosses adored her. “Then I presented the Williams project to the group and they fell in love with me. They could not stop talking about what a great job I had done on my slides and talk. You should really be proud of me.” All I could say was “That’s great, sounds like you’re really happy.” The last 5 minutes were her reminding me that we had 4 weeks of the fall semester remaining and that every grade counted. She never asked how I was doing, if I was happy, if I was feeling well. This was a call about her and she wanted an audience. When it ended I felt unimportant and uncared for. I wished so badly that I could tell her about my study session with Jared. I wanted to share the things that made me happy, but I knew it would be met with scolding. If I didn’t make the grades, she would blame him for distracting me. “I need to go to bed Mom. Goodnight.”
“Aren’t you going to tell me you love me?”
Sigh, “I love you.”
“Ok, I love you too then.”
God dammit. Even the end of our conversation pissed me off. Why couldn’t she say those words to me first? What if I didn’t say “I love you?” Would she never say those words to me on her own? I hung up the phone but headed straight for the bathroom.
“Perry, you ok?” Molly shouted after me.
I waved her off. I was mad and I needed space. I had enough to handle here, I didn’t need to be her cheerleader too! I ran into the last bathroom stall and slammed and locked the door. I slid down to the ground and felt the hot tears on my cheeks. I don’t even know how
long I sat there. I didn’t want Molly to see me all a mess. I had tried telling others about the turmoil between my mom and myself but no one ever believed it. In fact, they would just look at me and not say anything. In hindsight I think they were trying to stay out of it, but it felt like my concerns were not valid because they wouldn’t even comment on what I had confided in them. I had learned to endure it and keep quiet. Sometimes I wished the abuse was physical so it was visible to me and others. The emotional abuse was something felt inside. It hurt just as bad, but outsiders could not see it, making it hard to believe it. I did not want Molly inquiring about it. I am not sure I could explain it to her. Maybe it really was all in my head?
