by D. A. Roach
I was put in charge of watching the 10 and under group. I even had to sit at the kiddie table. I’d come to accept that I may never graduate to the adult table. I’d probably be 45 with teen kids of my own and STILL sitting at the kids’ table. Occasionally an aunt or uncle would come to the basement to chat with me about college. They mostly reminisced about their fun time at college and asked me very few questions about my own experience. I actually enjoyed my extended family, which made the holiday a little more tolerable. When the food was put out I decided to only fill my plate half full. I had made the mistake in the past of sampling a little bit of everything, which filled my plate and caused quite a scene of tsking and negative comments from my mother. But even the half-filled plate did not go unnoticed.
“I’m proud of you. Watching your waist finally.” My mother said. I didn’t want that kind of attention either. I wanted to be able to get food without any comment. No one else at the party commented on other people’s plates, I hated always being under scrutiny. I rolled my eyes and walked away, heading to the safety of the children and preteens in the basement. After eating, I played a few games of pool with my oldest cousin. He was pretty good and enjoyed the competition.
Once the last guests left, we cleaned up. I was so tired from all the party prep and festivities that I could feel myself being overemotional. I was trying not to think about my friends at college but I missed them terribly. I also thought about Greg. He was such a fun and close friend, what happened? I mean, even if he thought I was a sucky kisser, surely that wouldn’t be enough to scare him away? I wasn’t overly obnoxious afterward so why was he distancing himself from me. It was killing me. I couldn’t lose him out of my life. I was scrubbing the dishes and I could feel a few tears at the corners of my eyes. I sniffled and wiped them away.
“What’s going on Perry?” My mom asked, “You getting sick or something?”
“I don’t know, I don’t feel well. Probably just tired.”
“Well, just a few more dishes and then you can head to bed.” I nodded in reply to her and kept scrubbing. The concert was in 2 days. I would have to wait to see if time helped him figure things out.
After the dishes, I washed up and checked my email. There was one from Greg and it read:
Merry Christmas Perry.
Greg
At least he had written. It was better than nothing, but not much better.
******
Tonight was the concert and I was so psyched. I loved seeing bands live and feeling the energy of the crowd. I put on my skinny black jeans, my clingy striped tee, my black leather wrist bands, and way too much eyeliner. I looked pretty badass. I messed my hair up a little more and then headed to put my Chuck Taylors on.
“Where are you going tonight?” My dad asked.
“A concert with Danielle and Greg. I should be home before midnight.”
“Watch out for those druggies.” My parents hated me going to concerts.
“Bye Dad, I love you.” I hurried to the car to pick up my friend Danielle.
Greg was meeting us at the concert venue. I didn’t know what to expect and I wasn’t sure how to approach him. I wasn’t even sure if he would even show. When Danielle and I pulled up to the venue I saw him leaning against the brick wall. He was an attractive guy, but his amazing personality made him even more of a catch. I couldn’t help but smile seeing one of my closest friends here outside of school.
“Hey stranger” I teased. Greg looked up at me but there was a seriousness to him. So I would not have my usual fun Greg tonight. I hoped the night would not be awkward.
“Hey Perry. Who’s this?” He nodded his head toward Danielle.
“This is one of my high school friends. She’s a huge fan and she also got a ticket to the concert as a Christmas present.”
“Cool,” was all he said and we headed into the club. The opening band had started their set. None of us liked the band so we shopped the t-shirts and merchandise booths. We each bought t-shirts, though each was different. Then we grabbed a drink from the bar and headed toward the side of the stage. Our plan was to hang out on the side and then make our way toward the front when the first band wrapped up.
I enjoyed people watching because the fans dressed wild for the show. There were so many guys at the gig with eyeliner that Greg looked out of place. I tilted my head toward him and hollered “Better watch who you hit on tonight, it’s hard to tell who is a girl and who is a guy with all the makeup out there.” He just nodded in response.
As the concert went on, I realized that Greg was doing the bare minimum for interacting with me. He only responded to my questions, and did so in the simplest answer he could think of. I was losing him. How could I fix this? My efforts to talk to him weren’t helping so I made a decision to not say anything more to him. The band was incredible, but I didn’t enjoy myself.
The last song wrapped and the clubs lights came on signaling the end of the show. “Bye Greg.” I waved and he waved back as he headed toward the parking lot after the gig.
“What the hell was that about?” Danielle said. “He had the personality of a dead fish. Are there no fun people to befriend at college Perry?”
“I think I just lost one of my dearest friends and I don’t know how to undo it. Greg is usually one of the most charismatic guys.” I explained what had happened with the kiss and Danielle seemed just as perplexed as I did. “I must be a super sucky kisser huh?”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because, we kissed and he wants nothing to do with me now - not even have a friendship. Must have sucked.”
Danielle snickered, “If it sucked that bad, why did you guys suck face for like 10 minutes? If it was a terrible kiss he would have ended it sooner.”
“It was the liquor. Probably had his beer goggles on and didn’t realize who he was kissing.”
“B.S. He knew exactly who he was kissing. You guys were amazing friends before this, there was some attraction and underlying love that pulled you guys into that kiss.” Danielle commented.
“Yeah, well now what? My friend is a shell around me. I hate it. I’d do anything to get him back.” I felt so much sadness inside. Greg was so important in my life.
“Talk to him Perry. Tell him that you’d rather forget the kiss happened so you could be friends again.”
“You’re right. I’ll do it when I get back on campus. Thanks for coming tonight. It helped having you there and it was great seeing you again.”
“You too and good luck. Thanks for the rockin’ present, I loved it.” Danielle waved goodbye.
I had a few more days of break to think up a plan before heading back to college...
Chapter 12
The rest of break I tried to not stir the waters. I stayed home and did countless chores. I tried to hide away in my room during downtime. I’d email, surf the web, or read books. When I did have to interact with my parents I tried different methods to stop the criticizing aimed at me. Since I had kept my weight down this year, my mom had become hyper-focused on my hair. There was always something not right about me. I would look in the mirror and try and see the flaws she saw. “It looks frizzy”, “You look like a rat made a home in there.”, “there is no shine to your hair - it must be dead.”, “You need to eat better, your hair is too thin.” That last one was my favorite because I wasn’t sure if I should eat or shouldn’t eat. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn’t.
I first tried ignoring it and telling myself that I was pretty enough and that I had awesome hair. But somehow, after hearing negative comments on a daily basis, they crept into my subconscious. By the end of break I was looking in the mirror and hating how it looked. I was aware that I had loved my hair prior to break and promised myself that I wouldn’t change it, I wouldn’t change it for her. But when you don’t feel loved by your mom and are compared to every other girl in the world, you do stupid things to try and gain favor in your mom’s eyes. Every child wants to be loved by their parents. Uncond
itionally. So the day before break I broke the promise to myself.
“Oh, it’s gonna be great. You’ll feel so much better when it’s done.” My mom said with a smile. She approached the stylist with cash and whispered to her.
“Are you ready for your new look sweetie?” The stylist asked. I wasn’t sure I wanted her cutting my hair. She looked like an outdated mom from the 80’s with her hair feathered on the sides and frosted tips. But I looked at my mom and she seemed genuinely happy.
“I guess... not too short please.”
An hour later I had a chin length haircut and a self-esteem of 0. I hated how I looked, but my mom seemed happy and that was more important at that moment than what I felt.
“It’s so adorable and it’s gonna be so easy to style it nicely. I think you owe me a big ‘thank you’ for taking you today,” my mom beamed.
“Thanks mom.” I echoed, but inside I didn’t feel thankful, I hated it.
When we came home my dad looked at me.
“Look how cute Perry is! Don’t you love it?!” My mom bragged.
“Yeah, if you like poodles.” I thought he would correct himself or add that he was just joking, but he never did. He truly thought it looked awful. What had I done? I knew it would grow back but it would take a long time.
“I’m gonna take a shower.” I announced.
In the shower, I washed out all the foofy product so that my hair just would just have gentle waves. I didn’t cry about the haircut, I think that even though I didn’t care for my hair, the thought that I had finally made my mom happy had soothed me. Surely I could make this hair cute in some way. I toweled off and spent 45 minutes on my hair. In the end I used a ton of product to keep it from looking like an afro. I felt like crying. I had lost over 7 inches in length of hair and I looked completely different.
Chuck came after lunch the next day to take me back to school. My parents paid him gas money and tip to take me to and from college and he was happy to make an easy dollar.
“Nice do Perry. How was break?” Chuck asked.
“Survivable. Yours?”
“It was great. Ready for the last semester?”
That was a great question because it was my final chance to get grades up before the council reviewed gpas for admittance. “I hope so, hey Chuck, did you take Organic Chemistry?”
“Yep, what’s up?”
“I got a C in it last semester and I need to score an A. Wanna tutor me?”
“What’s the problem? You not getting the homework done?”
“Ha! Fat chance. That’s the only thing saving my grade. The tests kill me.”
“Sure, I am a pro-test taker; I just suck at the homework part. How about Tuesday evenings?” Chuck suggested.
“So grateful, thanks Chuck.” The rest of the ride we chatted quite a bit. He was surprised to hear that my parents did not freak out about the C. It was strange, but maybe things were changing for the better. Maybe they had hope that I would pull a good grade out this semester. Maybe they knew how much harder I was working on grades this year. This realization had me in a decent mood and the time with Chuck passed quickly. I was excited to get back to campus.
Chapter 13
Tuesday night arrived and I was headed to my first tutoring session. Chuck had found this small study room within the library across campus. He turned out to be a genius at Organic Chemistry and when he saw me looking puzzled he would stop and illustrate the problem so my brain would grab the concept better. I wished I had asked for his help last semester with my hard courses. It takes great effort to pull a grade out of the garbage and I needed a solid A to balance the C I earned last semester. After 2 hours, I told Chuck that my brain needed to rest and we hugged goodbye.
“See ya’ next Tuesday Perry.”
I waved bye and headed out on the lit path back to the dorm. The campus was so much quieter at night. Only a few classes were held in the evenings and most dorms housed their own study rooms. The snow from break was lined up on each side of the sidewalks with signs of dirt and salt at the edges. Ice was patchy on the sidewalks and you had to walk carefully to avoid the slick spots. The night was cold but no snow fell from the skies. The cold didn’t bother me; I would bundle up and enjoyed feeling the frozen air fill my lungs. The walk back always seemed longer at night. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t wear my headphones at night for fear of an attacker sneaking up on me, or did it feel longer because I was fearful of an attack? I would have to get used to this and build up some confidence because it was going to be a weekly meeting with Chuck.
The campus had emergency phones along the path that I could use if I needed to. As I walked I imagined a girl being chased and running to one of the phones and calling for help. It would still take the police time to get there to rescue her and the attacker could have done something terrible in that time. It was not a perfect system, but it was better than nothing. I remembered my cousin talking to me about how it was good to make eye contact with the people you passed on the sidewalk. Attackers don’t like to be looked at in the eye and by looking at them, you basically tell them you are not a victim. I was still working on doing this but it was hard. I liked my private bubble. Just then I heard a faint twittering whistle. I looked around and did not see anyone. There were bushes and concrete benches but I could not see anyone. I quickened my pace and felt panic welling up in me. It was the same whistle I hear last semester. Crap! Was I going to be the next statistic? Was this guy hunting me? Would I be using those stupid emergency phones on campus? Another whistle sounded but this time it was closer. I began to run. Chuck might have to come to my dorm for tutoring in the future if I survived this.
I made it to the dorm and didn’t stop running till I got to my room. All my friends were in their rooms with their doors open and saw me fly past their rooms. They poured out into the hall and crowded around my room door.
“Perry, what the heck, everything ok?” Lauren asked. Lauren was not my friend, but she was still Jen’s roommate so I tolerated her when need be.
“Breathe Perry, what the heck has you spooked? You look like you saw a ghost.” Molly said.
“I don’t know, I was studying with Chuck and walked back toward the dorm. I heard this faint whistling and a few paces later, it was louder. It creeped me out. I swear I heard it last semester while walking back too.” I panted.
“Whistling? That doesn’t sound too creepy. Was he whistling the theme to the Exorcist? Because that would be creepy! “ Jen joked, but this was no joke. “Sorry Perry, just doesn’t sound like anything to get worked up over.”
Maybe she was right, but why was I hyperaware of this and feeling on alert?
“Too many scary movies I guess. Time to cut back.” I half-joked.
“Maybe you should alert the R.A.” Mags suggested. “You know, just in case. And you should really walk home with someone at night or have Chuck tutor you here.” I nodded my head in agreement.
“Sorry to scare you guys, but you should all follow the same advice. Have there been any attacks reported on campus recently?” I asked. Everyone shook their head no. “Well, I got a pretty good scare huh?” I tried to laugh it off but I still felt shook up. Everyone gave me hugs and I went with Mags to report it to the R.A. She wrote it up and said she would have a staff meeting with all the R.A.’s and inform them so they could reinforce safety on campus at night with the kids on their floor.
I knocked on Jen’s door. “I need to stress eat - come grab some grub with me downstairs.”
“Gladly,” she grabbed her wallet and teasingly whistled every horror movie tune she could remember. Jen was the perfect amount of immaturity to lighten the mood. We ordered greasy grilled cheese sandwiches and diet cokes and found a booth. “Tell me about the concert you saw with Greg. Was it fun?”
“The band was great.”
“I bet you enjoyed seeing him over break. That was a great present Perry.” Then, as if on cue, Greg walked into the diner. “Speak of the devil!” Jen
muttered. “Hey Greg!” She waved.
“Hey Jen,” he nodded her way and purposely did not acknowledge me. Gone. And this stupid haircut was probably the final nail in the coffin. Jen turned to face me and her face dropped.
“Perry, what the hell is wrong, you look awful.”
“I think I lost Greg as a friend.”
“What are you talking about?” She asked in a disbelieving voice. “You guys are tighter than you and me.” “Greg, come here,” she stood and waved him over. He stuck up a finger to let her know to wait a second.
“What are you doing Jen?” I whispered. “Please don’t do what I think you are going to do. Please. It would crush me.”
