by D. A. Roach
“What? I just want to ask him a question,” she stated innocently.
“I suddenly lost my appetite.”
“No, no, no, sit tight Perry. It’s gonna be fine,” she reassured me.
Greg strutted over with his food. “What’s up Jen?”
“Nothin’. How was break?”
“Good,” he simply replied. I had my eyes trained on the table.
“And the concert? The one Perry got you tickets to?”
“Fine.”
“Cool, yeah, well - you go enjoy your little meal. Thanks for the great conversation.” Greg walked off. Jen had a way of talking down to someone and making them the butt of her joke without them realizing it. She could be relentless and I never wanted to be on her bad side.
“What was that about?” I asked her.
“I think you’re right Perry, he’s different. What the hell happened between the two of you?”
I sat debating whether I should confide in her. I didn’t think Jen was the best secret keeper, but the worst that would happen is me losing Greg… that has already happened so there was no risk. “We kissed the night of the gift exchange.”
“WHAT!”
“Shh! No one knows, except Greg, myself, and now you. If everyone knows about it I will never get him back. He has been so distant since it happened. I had hoped it would be better once we got back to school. But apparently not.” I said with tears in my eyes.
“Oh Perry, I am so sorry. I can’t believe this. Listen, you just need to talk to him and tell him you could care less about the kiss and you need his friendship back.”
“Jen, he won’t even look in my direction. What the hell?! It’s not like I’m going around blabbing about it to everyone or acting like we are a couple.”
“No shit. I had no idea it even happened. But it makes sense; you guys were gone a long time getting that beer. Listen, just talk to him alone sometime.”
I nodded and pushed my food away. I was too upset. I listened to Jen fill the space with her ramblings of Christmas break and Edward. I needed to hear it, I needed my brain occupied.
Chapter 14
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. The dreaded alarm. I needed more sleep but doubted my teachers cared about that. A night of tossing and turning in a pool of negativity did not make for a good night’s rest. My inner dialogue was screaming at me for a good part of the night until I was sufficiently beat down. I wasn’t used to having these emotions at college; I’d only had to deal with them at home. Greg hadn’t said anything bad to me. In fact he barely spoke to me at all. But his absence from my life was blaringly loud. I jumped out of bed and stumbled to the vanity where my clothes were laid out. I pulled on my leggings, long sweater, and my boots. I stole a glance at my reflection in the mirror and the negative comments began criticizing me again. “No wonder he wants nothing to do with you, you are hideous. You look like a poodle having a bad hair day. You are so fat and ugly, no one would want you.” I pulled my hair back into a scarf wrap and wiped away the tears. Molly was still asleep and I was glad for that. This was private. This is what I grew up with. You’d hear it, attempt to block it out, yet it still found a way inside to rot your soul. You stood tall and put on your mask of indifference and went about your day as if all was fine, when inside there was only decay. I grabbed my book bag and headed to class.
I was only half focused on the lecture this morning. It was hard because I was fighting both fatigue and an evil inner voice. I needed some solitude. I would hideaway from my friends for a week. I would eat meals at different dorms or at times when I knew no one else was eating. I would not do any social events. I would hole up in my room and do nothing but study. This was a great idea.
I made it through the morning and ate a bagel and an apple for lunch from the neighboring dorm. I studied on campus in between classes and when I did return to the dorm, I entered through the girls’ side instead of the main entrance to avoid anyone.
Mid-week Molly asked me what was going on. I didn’t want her to know the full details because I wasn’t sure she would understand it. “I’m just taking a little me time and working on lots of homework...”
“Feels kinda anti-social.” She replied. Molly was blunt. She never did it to be rude, she was just stating the obvious.
“Yeah, I guess. I just need to refocus for a little bit. I’ll be back in action before you know it.”
My parents called me later that week and asked how my classes were going. I was honest with them and told them about my study sessions with Chuck. They seemed cautiously hopeful that my grades would be good enough to make it into the main life science studies program. I was hopeful too but wanted a back-up plan. “I am going back to the counseling center to talk with someone about other career options on Friday.”
“Why would you do that? If you settle for something else you will end up with no career and no money. What did you have in mind? Art?! You aren’t good enough to make any money doing that.”
“What if I took classes in it though? I love art and have always drawn. People remark how great my drawings are all the time. Besides, I could do art for ads or go into architecture.” This conversation wasn’t even about my art. I wasn’t sure what other career would be good for me, this conversation had turned into a chance to tell me how I sucked at art and how I couldn’t be good enough to succeed. “Sweetie - they just say those things to be nice. They don’t really mean it.”
“You know mom, I’m going to that appointment anyway. I think I could be good at something. I work really hard at everything I do and maybe life sciences are just not for me.”
Click.
She hung up on me.
Sigh. I felt so mad, so out of control. Unsupported, unloved. So vulnerable and sensitive. It was as if someone had taken my outer layer of skin off and the soft, new, painfully sensitive skin was exposed. I climbed into bed and went to attempted sleep. To my relief, I fell asleep almost immediately.
It was the first night I dreamed about water. I was at the beach, jumping waist high waves in the water. It was sunny and breezy, the perfect day. A friend called my name from the shore and I turned to see what she was saying. We waved to each other and then I turned back around to resume wave jumping. But the next wave was a towering tidal wave. I tried to evade it but it smashed down on me and pushed me under. I lost my footing and was at the mercy of the surf. Panic pulsed through me and moved my arms and legs fast to try and reach the surface. I struggled but managed to get a breath.
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. My alarm. I felt starved for oxygen as I sat in my bed. Molly rolled over and looked at me. “Perry, what the heck? You went to bed at 6:30 last night, you ok?”
Holy crap. I had not looked at the time when I went to bed last night. I just didn’t feel I could deal with everything anymore, sleep sounded like the perfect escape. “I don’t know, maybe I’m getting a cold.”
“You also were noisy as heck last night. Like you were fighting a tornado or something.”
Ugh. Ok, so maybe the isolation wasn’t working for me. I seemed worse mentally than I was at the start of the week. And the only one who noticed my absence was Molly.
“No, I had some crazy, scary tidal wave dream.”
“I bet. Listen, a few of us are going to watch a movie this Saturday, can you come with? I think it would do you some good to get out with us again.” I nodded my head in response. Molly was a good friend and roommate.
Friday came before I knew it and I decided it was the day of change. I had dreams involving water every night since the tidal wave one. I was beginning to think it had traumatized me and now I couldn’t get water out of my head at night. After my first two classes I went to the Guidance Center and they gave me brochures on other majors that both appealed to me and matched my personality type. I found that the pre-life sciences track had me in good shape for the new majors. I would only have to add in one more elective with the new classes to get up to speed. I liked having this plan B. It meant I could stay here with my fri
ends and pursue a new exciting path. I decided to not present this to my parents again until we learned about whether I excelled enough to be chosen to go on in the program.
My feet felt lighter, I had a smile creeping on my face, and I felt empowered to have a talk with Greg.
I went directly to the guys’ side of the dorm and did not wait for an escort. I walked in and held my head high in confidence so if the RA spotted me he would presume I had been escorted and was not sneaking my way in. I got to Greg and Jared’s room and knocked on the door. I could hear music blaring loudly so I knew someone was home. I hadn’t thought out my approach, I was going to wing it.
Greg appeared at the door and it was a strange encounter. I had spent so much time in this room over the last year and a half - it felt like a home to me. Jared was sitting in one of the old chairs they had brought from home working on homework. He looked up at me and had a welcoming smile on his face. Greg on the other hand put up a wall and on that wall was spray painted “you are not welcome here.”
I was not going to be deterred. “Hey guys.” I walked right in past Mr. Not Welcome. Jared put down his books and stood in front of me.
“Where have you been Perry? I missed you.” He missed me? Really? Maybe Molly was not the only one who noticed my absence after all.
“I’ve been under the weather and studying a lot. I actually came here to talk to Greg for a moment.” I noticed then that Jared had stepped on my toe, trapping me from moving. It seemed purposeful. I looked down to confirm it and when I brought my head back up, I saw Jared playfully smiling at me. He knew he was trapping me and he was enjoying it. This was a typical Jared sending mixed messages move. He would do a flirty move but he would never follow through and take it to the next step. Flirty, platonic friend.
“Greg huh? Greg, Perry needs to chat with you.” He looked at me and held my gaze for a moment longer before releasing my foot and grabbing his books and walking out. Butterflies were bouncing through me from the Jared interaction. I mentally shushed them and told them he was just a tease.
“What’s up Perry?” Greg said but didn’t look at me. He sat in the other old chair. I wondered if Greg and Jared were like the odd couple and they had claimed a chair for each of them. I sat in Jared’s old chair.
“I hate this. I hate what has happened between us. You are so friggin’ important to me and I hate my life without you in it. I wish you never kissed me.” I noticed he looked up at me at that moment, but I couldn’t look him in the eye. “You are my best friend. You always have my back. You make my day better, just by seeing you for 5 minutes. That damn kiss. It ruined everything. I didn’t mean anything to me. I can forget it happened. I just can’t lose you. I miss you so damn much.” and the tears were rolling down my face. Greg leaned over and put me in a hug. It was a much needed tight and super long hug. Greg never said anything except a very quiet “sorry.” I didn’t need him to say anything. I just needed him in my life again. It was so nice to have that hug. It felt like coming home after a hard day, putting on your comfy pjs, wrapping yourself in your favorite blanket and cuddling up on the couch. A huge part of my heart healed in that moment. I just wondered if it would take long for us to get back to our usual banter or if the awkwardness needed time to disperse.
“You watching that movie this weekend Perry?” Greg asked.
“Yeah, Molly asked me to go.” I replied. “Who all is going to it?”
“I think everyone but Jared. He has a physics thing to do.”
“Cool. Well, guess I’ll see ya’ then.” He patted my back as I walked away. I was so glad to have cleared the air with Greg. I would never know if that kiss meant anything to him. I wish I knew, but I was unwilling to risk destroying what was barely hanging on.
Chapter 15
The movie everyone gathered around for was “Dazed and Confused”. But there was a twist. Every time a character said “man” we had to take a drink of beer. This was Jen’s brilliant idea. She had seen the movie and told us we needed to stick to beer or we would be two sheets to the wind before we knew it. It was my first beer drinking game and I was excited to see how it went. People at college did beer drinking games all the time so I was glad to have an opportunity to try one. My plan was to take sips when it was time to drink so that I didn’t end up in trouble. I didn’t care too much about the game, I was just enjoying being around my friends again and having fun.
The movie was at Jen’s room so I didn’t have to go far. Her bitchy roommate, Lauren, was out with her latest boyfriend. Ever since she made moves on Jared last year, I wrote her off. She knew I had strong feelings for him but made moves on him anyway. Since that day there has been a wall of tension between us. I plopped down next to David and Mags. I knew Mags and Tim would leave after a short while. They made a huge effort to be a part of whatever festivities we came up with, even though they never drank. They never looked down on us for it which made me respect them. But as the movie progressed and the rest of us drank more, I could only imagine how annoying we would be to be around.
The movie began and the first utterance of “man” came out of the speakers. Jen stood and announced “Tip ‘em back!” and we all took a swig of our drinks. The movie was pretty funny and very nostalgic. Greg was sitting 2 people away from me and I caught his eye during one of the funny parts. He smiled at me and nodded a “hi” my way. I smiled back. Hopefully we were back on track. I missed Jared’s presence though. It was usually during movies when I found him cuddled near me. Mags and Tim were cuddled together and David kept to his own personal space.
Forty five minutes into the movie, Mags and Tim excused themselves. I noticed I was opening my third beer and the movie was getting a lot funnier. Once Mags and Tim left Jen announced it was a bonus round and everyone had to shotgun a beer. I had never heard of this but everyone around me started awwing and had a look of laughter mixed with worry. “What do you mean?” I asked Jen.
“You punch a hole in the can, turn it upright, pop the top, and chug fast.”
Ugh. I was not a huge beer fan. I wasn’t sure I could drink a whole beer that fast.
“You have 15 seconds to chug the whole beer or you have to take double sips till the movie ends.” She warned. “Grab a pen and a new can of beer.” Everyone reached into the center pile for a pen and beer and awaited the countdown. Jen started from 10 and counted down. “3, 2, 1...SHOTGUN!” The sound of cans popping filled the room. I turned my can upright and covered the hole with my mouth, pulled the tab and swallowed the river of beer flooding my mouth. It was awful. So bitter. But I did it in the allowed 15 seconds. Molly was the only one who failed to chug it all in the 15 seconds. In fact, she was overwhelmed by it and had beer coming out of her nose. I felt kinda bad for her, even though it was funny. We all heckled her and resumed the movie watching.
The beer was hitting me pretty hard. In fact, I don’t remember much of the rest of the movie. I just remember drinking when someone told me to. I also must have stopped sipping and switched to large gulps after the shotgun. Not good. I felt so fogged up and tired. I had a desperate need to find Jared. I hated that he wasn’t there cuddled up next to me during the movie. Stupid physics people. “Take me to the guys’ side. I need to ask Jared a question.” I demanded of David and Greg.
“He might not be back yet.” David offered. “I guess you can hang with us till he gets back if he’s not there.”
“Cool, let’s go.” I slurred. I felt nothing. Everything was numb and I must have learned to teleport because I didn’t remember walking down the stairs and down the halls to the guys’ room. I just remember leaving Jen’s room and suddenly I was in Jared’s old chair. Greg put on some tunes and chilled in his chair. David went to his room.
“No kissy kissy this time Greg - I love you man. But I’m not screwing up that thing between us again. You broke my heart. So not kissing you again. I don’t care how awesome of a kiss it was.”
“No kissing Perry. Got it.” Greg smiled at me. I closed
my eyes and let the music carry me away. The notes were like waves and I floated on the rise and fall of their harmonies. I lost track of time. I felt a nudge on my sock and looked up to see Jared staring down at me. He was so gorgeous. He had the perfect body, lean and muscular, tanned skin, broad shoulders, and strong jaw. He took my breath away. I smiled at him.
“Boy, you sure look happy. How was the movie?” He asked me. I just kept smiling.
“Good, how was your party?”
“Good. Are you drunk?” he asked.
“A little.”
“Heard you wanted to ask me something, whatcha’ need?”
“I don’t know. Guess I just wanted to see you. And now I see you.” I giggled.
“Perry, I think you need to drink a lot of water and go to bed. You’re gonna be hurtin’ tomorrow.” I heard him whisper to Greg “How much did she drink? I’ve never seen her like this before?” Greg told Jared about the drinking game, “I think the shotgun did her in.”
