Inconsequential (J+P series)

by D. A. Roach

  “Oh shit.” He turned to me and got down on his knees. “Perry, Greg’s gonna take you back to your room. Listen, you need to drink a ton of water and go to bed. Got that?”

  “You’re so cute when you play Daddy.” I smiled.

  “Take her Greg.” Jared demanded and Greg helped me up.

  When we got to the hall I begged Greg to let me say goodnight to David and his roommate. “I’ll just be a minute.”

  “Fine.” We knocked on David’s door and he answered immediately. He looked happy to see us. “Perry wants to say goodnight to you guys.”

  I stumbled into the room and was finding it hard to stand.

  “I need to sit a moment Greg. Come sit by me.” I plopped on the couch and patted the spot next to me.

  He shook his head no. “I’ll give you two minutes to rest and then we head back up.” God my head was so clouded. I couldn’t remember anything or even think straight. It was just so much work and it was making me so tired. I spaced out and felt the music from their stereo carrying me away and let the sound of Greg and David talking quietly lull me to sleep.

  Chapter 16

  “She slept there all night?” I heard the guys’ R.A. asking. What was he doing on the girls’ side of the dorm at this hour? My brain did not comprehend all the sensory inputs around me. There was this swooshing sound in my head and the room was too bright to tolerate having my eyes open. My mouth felt like it was packed full of cotton balls, bitter, beer flavored cotton balls. Yuck. David was talking to Greg nearby, something about a rough night and washing stuff off in the shower. My brain was just not functioning. I chanced a glance at the direction of the voices. Too bright! Ugh. I squinted my eyes and saw David and Greg talking to their RA. What the heck was I doing waking up on the guys’ side of the dorm?

  I looked around and found myself laying on their foldout couch with a sheet over me. I had on a t-shirt that was not mine and my panties, but my clothes were nowhere in sight. Who the heck changed my clothes?! I don’t remember much of last night. The last thing I remembered was saying goodnight to everyone and sitting on David’s couch. I must have fallen asleep or passed out from the beer. Ugh, I shivered. Just the thought of beer made me feel sick to my stomach. I seriously need to ban alcohol from my list of vices. Maybe Mags and Tim would let me hang with them, they were the only ones smart enough to stay away from the garbage. I decided to sit-up and was overwhelmed with nausea. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly through my nose till the room quit spinning. I felt the couch/bed sink down so I opened my eyes to find David sitting next to me.

  “Rough night Perry.” It was not a question.

  “What the heck happened?” I clearly had no idea and hoped he would fill in the gaps in my memory.

  “Couldn’t hold your liquor. Greg was going to take you to your room but you fell asleep on our couch. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of it. You got sick in the night and we had to change your clothes and do a bit of cleanup in the room.”

  “Oh my God,” I muttered. “I don’t remember any of it.” Tears slid down my face from the shame of going to such a low point and having to have my friends take care of my sloppy ass. “Thank you, and I’m so sorry. I feel so ashamed.” And I had to look down. I couldn’t look him in the eye, it hurt too much. What good friends David and Jim were to me. “Who changed me?” I don’t know why that suddenly worried me, but I had to know.

  “I did, but I promise I looked away.” I believed him, there was sincerity in his voice. “Your clothes are drying now and should be done soon. You should drink some water.” He got up to grab me a bottled water.

  “Hey Puke-A-Saurus! How you feelin’?” Greg was being overly loud to annoy my poor head.

  “Like someone ran over my body with their car. Sorry about last night.”

  “No worry to me. I wasn’t up with you half the night. David and Jim were.” Greg said and smiled as he left.

  Ugh. Now what was I to do? I owed them.

  “Anything more need to be done to get your room back in order?” I asked Jim.

  “Nah, I think we got everything, we gave up on the rug but saved everything else.”

  “So sorry. Listen, I’ll replace the rug and buy you guys dinner tonight.” I knew it was nothing compared to what they had done for me, but I had to repay them in some way.

  David came back in the room with my clothes and they managed to make them look perfectly clean. They excused themselves and I got dressed as quick as a hung-over person could. I looked in the mirror and laughed at how awful I looked. I had huge circles under my eyes and my hair was untamed. I opened the door and found the boys talking with their RA in the hall. I was worried he was scolding them for having a girl in their room. But when I listened closer, he commended them on being great friends and taking care of me. I gave them both hugs and said a shy “hi” to the RA before high-tailing it out of the boys’ wing. I wished they had a teleport machine so I could teleport to my room and stay out of sight. So much shame.

  I got back to the room and Molly asked me for details of the night. I begged her to not retell it to everyone and was confident that she would be true to her word. I drank another bottle of water and crawled into the bean bag and watched mindless TV. This day would be a wash for studying. I killed too many brain cells last night and needed today to let the fog lift. I took a nap after lunch and went back to my bean bag chair till dinner.

  Jen came in around 4PM and shook the details from me. “You puked all over their room?!” Ugh. She loved to glamourize the details. “David undressed you?! I bet he looked. I don’t believe that he didn’t, do you?”

  “Ugh, go away. How the heck I am supposed to know? I was unconscious the whole time.”

  “Man oh man Perry, no more shotgun beers for you.”

  “No shit. Listen I promised I would treat David and Jim to dinner for helping me last night. So get out, I need to call in a pizza.” I didn’t need to be cordial with Jen, we just said what we felt and there were never hurt feelings.

  “See ya’ pukey.”

  “Ha Ha, you are so funny. See ya’.”

  Thirty minutes later I headed to the boys’ room with my money. After the pizza David said he needed to talk with me. “Ok, spill it.” I was worried he would scold me for drinking too much. There was no need for him to do that because I had already scolded myself multiple times today.

  “Let’s go to the stairwell.” I had no idea why we needed to head to the stairwell to talk, but I felt I owed him for his help. I followed him to the doors and we sat on different steps. It was private in here, except when the random person came down the stairs.

  “So, what’s up?” I was bracing myself for his lecture.

  “You know Perry, I care about you a lot.” Oh God, here we go. “You know that right?”

  I nodded my head but found it hard to look him in the eyes, so I trained my eyes to a spot on the floor. I needed to hear this and not get mad. He took care of me and he had a right to lecture me on taking better care of myself. Just then he made this whistling sound. I felt chills go down my spine. It was the same whistling I had heard walking home all those times. I looked up at him and he smiled and shrugged. I was torn between relief and anger.

  “That was you? You scared the crap out of me! I thought you were an attacker stalking me.”

  He snickered. “Nah, I knew when you had late classes and tutoring sessions and I wanted to be sure you were safe.”

  “So you FOLLOWED ME?” My emotion was shifting from mad to shock. “Each time?” He nodded. He kind of was stalking me. “What the heck David? I mean, thanks for looking out for me. But why did you do it?” And he looked down at the same spot I had been staring at.

  “Because I think I’m in love with you.” And I felt the giant tidal wave from my dreams strike down on me and carry me away. This guy was so kind to me, took care of me when I was in my worst condition, escorted me home at night. He was even good looking. But I had no feelings for him past friendship.
How could I tell him that and not crush him. I had been in this spot before. In high school I had been asked out many times and I was not allowed to date until my senior year. I had left 5 of the 7 guys crying. Crying! I was trying so hard to be kind and gentle and explain that it wasn’t up to me. How was I going to handle this one? I didn’t want to lose David as a friend, but I needed to be clear and not lead him on. What an awful day this had become.

  “I care a lot about you too David. But I have 3 months more to prove myself here and I don’t have room in my life for a boyfriend. Not right now.”

  “It’s because of Jared isn’t it?” He asked. Just hearing Jared’s name brought butterflies and sparkles to my heart.

  “No, I mean, I have always been interested in Jared, but he clearly wants nothing more than friendship with me. So no, this is about schoolwork.”

  “He’s such a dork. How can he not see you as more than a friend? Everyone knows you like him. EVERYONE. Even our RA. He told me I was stupid for wanting to tell you how I feel because it was so clear that you have it bad for Jared. But I thought since he is too blind to make a move, I would try.”

  “Everyone knows? Am I that obvious? I tried to let me feelings for him go when he started dating Tara last year. I feel like I’m over him. I mean he’s a great friend but it’s not moving forward.”

  “Yeah, you’re pretty obvious and you clearly still have feelings for him.”

  “Shit. I’m so sorry David. Please don’t be mad.” I suddenly worried I might lose him like I had lost Greg. “Please tell me we are ok - you and me?”

  “Yeah, we’re good.” He said and we embraced in a hug. This time I was the one crying, not the boy. I hated having to let him down but I didn’t want to lead him on when he could find someone else to fall for. After our talk I said a quick goodnight to Jim and headed to my room.

  Molly was on her way back from brushing her teeth. “Get in the room quick - you won’t believe what just happened.” We hurried in the room and I told her about my talk with David.

  “Oh man, I knew he liked you. In fact, I think they are all like boyfriends to you...David, Greg, and Jared.”

  “What?! No.” She had no clue about the drama with Greg and I, and Jared floated in and out of my life randomly. When he was in my life, he was playful, flirty, and an amazing sensor for when I was having an off day. But they were not my boyfriends...just my really good friends. “In fact, David said they all knew I had it bad for Jared and he couldn’t understand why Jared never sees that or acts on that. “

  “Yeah, maybe it’s because you flirt with all of them.” I looked up at her. Where was this coming from? She sounded bitchy.

  “I don’t flirt with all of them! I helped David study because the kid was so unmotivated. Greg and I banter with each other. Jared was the only one I would semi-flirt with and we all know I had a thing for him.”

  “Just sayin’. Throwin’ mixed signals out there might be making Jared think you like the other guys, and it might be making the other guys like you.”

  “How can you say I am throwing out mixed messages?! David just said that EVERYONE, including their RA knows I like Jared. How is that mixed?” She just shrugged and walked away. What had gotten into her? I grabbed my toothbrush and headed to the bathroom. Hopefully, if I took long enough, she would be asleep and I wouldn’t have to resume that argument.

  Chapter 17

  The next few weeks went on without much notice. Molly was sitting by Jared every chance she had. It seemed she had acquired a taste for him and was trying to win his attention. I had hoped that it would not be another Tara incident. I couldn’t escape Molly, she was my roommate. Maybe Jared would be as oblivious to Molly as he was to me. David found a new girl in the dorm and they quickly became a couple. There was no awkwardness between us and I was grateful for that. Greg and I were slowly bantering our way back to a solid friendship again.

  I hadn’t touched another drop of alcohol since that awful night and focused all my attention on my studies. I was still struggling with my chemistry and calculus and was beginning to think I might be looking at a major change for next year. My parents hadn’t threatened me in a long time so I felt hopeful that they would keep me at the university and not pull me out to place me in Community College.

  The sun was staying in the sky more each day and we found ourselves studying in the grass between classes to soak up what rays we could. Molly was growing more distant from me and I caught her hanging out in the Jared and Greg’s room several times. It WAS becoming a Tara thing. We had three weeks left of school and I did not have the time or energy to find out if she was doing it to spite me or because she truly felt feelings for Jared.

  Thursday afternoon our phone rang. We didn’t get many calls during that time of day so I had no idea who it could be.

  “Perry, it’s Mom.”

  “Oh, hi Mom. Why are you calling now? You usually call at night.”

  “I know, but I had some great news and had to share it with you. Are you sitting down?”

  I had no idea where she was going with this. I had never gotten a phone call like this before from her and she’s never asked me to sit down for news. “Yeah, actually, I am. What’s the news?” Maybe they had sent a letter approving me into the upper classes of the life science program. I began to feel excited.

  “Dear Perry, We are pleased to announce your acceptance into the College of Life and Biological Sciences at the University of Idaho.” She read out loud. I was having a hard time believing my ears. Sounded like a scam. Why would there be an acceptance letter to a University I never applied to? “Aren’t you so excited?! You will be starting in the fall.” I felt all the air leave my body and my hands were shaking. The last time I felt this way was when I had fallen twelve feet down out of a tree and had gone into shock.

  “I didn’t apply to Idaho.” Was all I managed.

  “I know, we did. See, now you don’t have to worry about your future.” Tears, streaming down my face. I honestly would have pursued any major at my current University to stay here.

  “How far away is that?”

  “I think 6 hours from here and 9 from your current college.” All my friendships would be gone. That was so far away and only Greg had a car. No one would visit me. I would be stranded in the middle of a farm field with no one I loved in sight. Who would drive me home on breaks?

  “You know, I looked into other majors and I found 2 that they offer here that really suit me. I would make good money when I finished college. I really want to stay here and pursue this.”

  “Nope. This is a done deal. Do your best these last 2 weeks, and enjoy your summer. You know, I thought you’d be happier about this, not ungrateful.” She was getting mad. However, I didn’t care how mad she got. I felt like a damn puppet and she was pulling the strings. My hopes, dreams, desires were all inconsequential. I hung up the phone. And then screamed and sobbed. The phone rang 3 more times but I picked it up and slammed it down each time. How could they do that to me? Go behind my back and forge my signature, pretend to be me and apply there. I ran to my desk and grabbed my knife. I felt so much pressure in my chest, so much pain. So much sorrow. Each tear was trying desperately to free my body of the pain inside but there was too much pain for them to keep up with. I pushed the knife into the side of my knee and dragged it up my thigh. It wasn’t enough. I put the knife along the same path but lower than the first cut and dragged it the same direction. The pain was releasing from my body and if I pushed on the cuts it helped soothe me faster. The tears still ran down my face. I grabbed a Kleenex and dabbed at the cuts to get them to stop and I cleaned my blade. I climbed into bed, skipped dinner, and pretended to sleep so I wouldn’t have to speak with anyone. I was just trying to process this major change in my life.

  When I finally let sleep take me, I dreamt of the most terrifying boat ride through a canyon with rapids. It took everything just to stay afloat and not be overcome by the water. All of my friends from college were
in the boat with me and they all had on life preservers. I looked down and found I did not. I wrapped my arm around the cord that encircled the boat, hoping to anchor myself to it. The rapids were choppier but it looked like there was a break and calmer waters ahead. We all braced ourselves but I was the only one looking terrified. My blood was pumping so hard and silent prayers were uttered as I held on for my life. But we navigated the rocky course and made it to the safer, calmer waters. “My god, that was scary.” I said. All my friends were sitting back so casual as if they were watching a movie, not as if they had just survived a terrifying ride. Several minutes passed and the boat began to pick up speed. It was a gradual increase but I could feel it. I looked ahead to see if I saw more rapids, but the waters looked clear. “Maybe we could row over to the edge and catch our breath and eat some lunch?” I suggested. I was still buzzing with adrenaline and needed to collect myself. No one replied, No one seemed to realize I was in the boat with them. Was I invisible? The boat was now racing and the sound of swooshing water was now present. I looked ahead again but the waters looked fine, except it seemed to end. A waterfall. “Guys, hey! We’re coming up to a waterfall. We have to steer to the edge. Grab the oars!” But no one heard me. They were calm and relaxed and joking with each other. I grabbed the oar and paddled frantically but the current was too strong. We were going to go over despite my efforts. We approached the edge and I felt so pissed off and scared all at once. I had no effect on this stupid boat. It didn’t matter what I did, I had no control of this situation and now my life was going to be over. The boat began to slide off the edge and BEEP BEEP BEEP!