Sick House

by Jeff Strand

  "Goodnight, Daddy," said Naomi.

  "Goodnight, Dad," said Paige.

  Boyd turned off the light and left the room, shutting the door most but not all the way behind him. He went into the bathroom, brushed his own teeth, and swished some mouthwash. Normally mouthwash was only part of his morning routine, but he was hoping the upbeat mood of the evening would continue after he got into bed.

  Adeline was sitting up reading The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky. Before that, she'd read a novel where Satan possessed unborn triplets. She made it a point to alternate between trashy reads and highly literary ones. Boyd was also an avid reader, but was happy to stick with lowbrow choices.

  He stepped into their bedroom, closed the door, and locked it behind him. Though it had been five years since the moment of horror when Naomi interrupted their lovemaking, the experience had been so upsetting that Boyd now locked the door every time.

  "Paige said she wants a bisected tongue so she can make out with two guys at once," Boyd informed her.

  "What was the context?"

  "Does it matter?"

  "I guess not."

  "My point is that we have weird children."

  "Better than boring children," said Adeline.

  "That's true. That's very true." Boyd took off his shirt. There was no need to do it in a seductive manner; Adeline was well acquainted with the just-okay physique that lay beneath. "Anyway, they both seem fine with the move."

  "We already knew they would be. You're looking for problems that don't exist."

  "I guess. Maybe I'm overcompensating because my parents didn't give a shit what I thought."

  "Your dad was military."

  "I'm not saying they should've stayed put. I'm just saying that they didn't care if it bothered me."

  "The girls get their own bedrooms. We could be moving to the Sahara Desert and they'd be happy. Relax."

  "I'm relaxed." Boyd finished undressing and got into bed. He gave Adeline a gentle kiss on the shoulder.

  "Yes, we can have sex," said Adeline. "Just let me finish this chapter."

  "I can wait."

  Boyd assumed that an 1800's Russian novel probably had long chapters, so he picked up the crime thriller he'd been reading. But he was so excited about the new job and home that he couldn't focus on any of the words. Honestly, his level of excitement made him feel a little guilty that he hadn't taken a more proactive approach to getting out of here sooner.

  Oh well. Didn't matter now.

  A few minutes later, Adeline set her book aside, and they had passionate but quiet sex.

  * * *

  They didn't have much credit card debt, but what miniscule savings they had was meant for the girls' college education. Right now it wasn't even enough for textbooks. So putting a down payment on a home would be virtually impossible. In a year, with a healthier bank account, they'd revisit the issue. For now, they decided to rent.

  Boyd and Adeline did the online portion of the house hunting together, but he did the in-person part by himself, since it was a four-hour drive to Kirkland and he had to spend a week there for his class. They weren't that fussy, but the new place did have to be near good schools and away from crack houses.

  The market for a three-bedroom rental home in Kirkland was not as great as he would have hoped. There were numerous deal breakers as he searched. Often he only needed to drive past a home to remove it from the list. For example, though it was entirely possible that the gentleman urinating on the front porch would never urinate on that particular front porch again, it was impossible to shake the first impression. Another home had standing water in the front yard even though it hadn't rained in the three days Boyd had been in town.

  Other homes were ruled out after an inside tour. Though Boyd wouldn't be opposed to eventually buying a fixer-upper, he didn't want to rent one, and the landlord's promise that the owner would "get around to fixing those electrical sockets soon" was not reassuring. A gradual lowering of his standards throughout the week didn't help.

  Still other homes looked perfect, but were off the market by the time Boyd was able to talk to somebody on the phone.

  By Thursday evening, he was starting to get discouraged, though he didn't confess this to Adeline. At least the training was going well. The class focused more on a corporate environment than what Boyd would be working in, but he was picking up some helpful tips and was confident in his ability to effectively boss people around.

  Class ended early on Friday. He received a certificate suitable for framing. If the search for a place to live went on past today, he'd be responsible for his own hotel costs, and he was anxious to get back to Adeline and the girls, so hopefully this would be the day.

  When he looked at the first place on that day's list, he had a good feeling.

  CHAPTER THREE

  It definitely wasn't perfect. Much of the light blue paint on the outside was peeling, and there were anthills all over the yard. But what a yard. Boyd would've been okay with a home where you could open your window and hand your neighbor a cup of coffee through their window, but this place had a fenced-in yard the size of the swimming pool at the YMCA. He could imagine having dozens of friends over for a barbecue. Naomi would absolutely love it, and Paige would be impressed as well.

  The houses on each side were close enough that it would be a problem if the neighbors liked to blast loud music late at night, and it wasn't as if Boyd could walk around his backyard naked—not that he would—but this home had an amazing amount of privacy.

  And there was a koi pond. A frickin' koi pond! There were no fish in it at the moment, but Boyd could never have imagined that a home with a koi pond in the backyard would be within their price range. The upper end of their price range, yet still...

  He was getting too excited. He hadn't even seen the inside of the house yet. There might be snakes slithering through holes in the walls.

  He wandered around the outside of the house, looking for defects, until he heard a car pull into the driveway. Three o'clock. The landlord was exactly on time for their walkthrough. Boyd hurried to the front yard to greet him.

  The landlord was a short man with a thin mustache and hair that stuck up in the back. He was dressed in slacks and a white dress shirt with heavy sweat stains on the sides. He wiped his right hand off on his pants before extending it to Boyd.

  "Mr. Gardner?"

  "Yep." Boyd shook his hand.

  "Jack Ponter. Sorry I'm late."

  "You're not late."

  Jack took his cell phone out of his pocket, glanced at the display, then shoved it back into his pocket again. "Oh, good. Did you get a chance to look around outside?"

  Boyd nodded. "Koi pond. I love it."

  Jack grinned. "Oh, yeah. I don't have one at my current home, but I did in the home before that, and it's very relaxing. Almost hypnotic. I could sit out there for hours and just watch the fish. But don't make the mistake that the previous renters here did. They're real fish. You do have to feed them."

  "They didn't feed the fish?"

  "No. It was a real shame. What a waste."

  "I assure you that if we end up living here, we'll take care of the fish." Actually, Boyd had no idea how much koi fish cost. Were they ridiculously expensive? He couldn't imagine that a few really big goldfish were out of his price range, but he'd never researched the subject.

  Jack reached into his other pocket and took out a key ring. He found the correct one after a couple of tries and unlocked the front door. "After you," he said, pushing it open.

  Boyd walked into the house. Unlike the outside, the inside looked newly painted. Not the most aesthetically pleasing shade of yellow, but they could certainly live with it for a year. Hardwood floors—Adeline would love that.

  "Mind if I take pictures for my wife?" asked Boyd.

  "Oh, no, go right ahead. Take as many as you want. Is it just you two or do you have kids?"

  "Two daughters."

  "How old?"

  "Eig
ht and thirteen."

  Jack chuckled. "I've got a fifteen-year-old. You've got some interesting times ahead, my friend."

  "Already there."

  "Well, as you probably saw in the listing, this place has three bedrooms and two baths, so there's plenty of space." Jack gestured around the large room they were in. "This is the living room. Cable-ready. Lots of light." He began to pull the cords to raise the blinds, letting in sunlight that revealed all of the dust in the air.

  "Beautiful," said Boyd. He was imaginative in many ways, but it was difficult for him to envision what this empty room would look like fully furnished. That was Adeline's job. He took a few pictures from different angles.

  "It's got a nice open floor plan," said Jack, leading Boyd through the rest of the house. "No narrow hallways to make you feel claustrophobic. You and your wife can have the master bedroom, which has a bathroom attached, and then there are two smaller bedrooms."

  Each of the "smaller" bedrooms was bigger than the room that Paige and Naomi currently shared. The girls were going to be in paradise.

  Boyd walked into what might be Paige's bedroom and opened the closet door.

  "None of the closets are very big," Jack admitted. "I guess this house was built at a time when people had less stuff."

  "When was it built?"

  "1920's, I think. It's still got the original refrigerator. No, I'm kidding. Let's check out the kitchen."

  The kitchen was spacious. Luxurious, even. At least three times as much counter space as their apartment, and cabinets galore. Dishwasher, microwave, and one of those stovetops where the burners were underneath the surface. Very nice. Boyd took more pictures.

  "Plenty of room to spread out when you're making a meal," said Jack. "Who does the cooking in your family?"

  "My wife does the good cooking. I'm the macaroni and cheese guy. We eat a lot of macaroni and cheese."

  "Well, if you want to elevate your mac and cheese like they do in those cooking competition shows, you've got all kinds of room for it. Do you watch those?"

  "Nah."

  "They're weirdly addicting. It's amazing how much suspense they can wring out of a judge cutting into a steak to see if it's medium rare. Is it overdone? Is it underdone? And then they always go to a commercial break. Anyway, it's a roomy kitchen."

  "It sure is," said Boyd.

  "And here's the second bathroom, which is also your laundry room. The washer and dryer are kind of old, so you can keep them here or bring in your own."

  "We'll keep them," said Boyd. Adeline had never minded using the apartment complex's laundry room, because it gave her time to read while waiting for the machines to finish, but this would be so much more convenient.

  "Any questions so far?"

  "How are the schools in this area?"

  "Excellent. I can only personally speak to my daughter's high school, but all of the schools around here have high ratings. It's a great area for kids to grow up. And you're not going to have any issues with the neighbors. Everybody pretty much keeps to themselves." Jack wiped some sweat off his forehead. "I suppose you could see that as a negative. If you're hoping for block parties or neighbors stopping by with freshly baked apple pies, you'll be disappointed."

  "As long as my daughters make friends, I'm happy."

  "I'm sure they will. I'd bring Sarah over, but at that age, two years apart might as well be twenty."

  "They'll be fine. Hell, Naomi can make friends in the checkout line at the grocery store."

  Jack wiped his forehead again. "Obviously, the place does have working A/C. It just doesn't make sense to keep it on while nobody's living here."

  "I totally understand. Can I see the attic? That's where I loved to play when we visited my grandmother."

  "That's not going to happen in this one, I'm afraid. I'm more than happy to show it to you, but you can't really walk around up there or store much of anything. You'll go up there to change the air filter and that's about it."

  "No need to show me. I believe you."

  "Now I feel like I should show you just so you don't think it's full of bats or bat guano or something." They walked back to the living room. In the alcove between the living room and bathroom, there was a trapdoor in the ceiling. Jack reached up and pulled on the cord. After the trapdoor swung down, he unfolded the aluminum ladder.

  Boyd looked up into the darkness. No bats flew out. "I trust you on the guano."

  Jack folded the ladder and the trapdoor swung up to the closed position. "The basement is a different story. I don't mean that it has bats; I mean that you can actually spend time down there."

  They returned to the kitchen. Jack opened the door to the basement and flipped on a light switch. Boyd followed him down the wooden stairs. The basement had a pleasant...well, basement smell. Musty. Probably not a smell that most people enjoyed. Unlike the main floor of the house, the basement was furnished. There were a couple of empty bookshelves, a couch that had not been fashionable for a very long time, an empty television stand, a recliner, and a ping-pong table.

  "This is where you'll find your hot water heater, and it's got a nice-sized pantry." Jack swung open a wooden door to reveal an empty pantry that would indeed hold more food than Boyd could ever imagine having in the house. Maybe they could start buying in bulk. "The previous tenants abandoned the furniture down here because I think they just didn't want to deal with trying to get it up the stairs. We'd have it removed if you wanted it gone. It's kind of fun to have a ping-pong table down here, though they took the paddles and balls."

  "Adeline wouldn't like that couch, but she wouldn't be down here much anyway."

  "It's a good place for teenagers to get into trouble."

  "That's not really a selling point."

  "Let me rephrase. It's a good place for teenagers to get into trouble, but not too much trouble, because they know you could come down those stairs at any time. If they're smoking pot, you'll know it."

  Boyd took a few pictures.

  "Or," said Jack, "you can set yourself up a decent man-cave."

  "Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to claim the whole basement. Hey, do you have another appointment? Do you have to go?"

  Jack shook his head. "This basement is nice and cool. I'm in no hurry to leave."

  "If you're not in a rush, I'd like to send these pictures to my wife and make sure she doesn't want me to ask you anything."

  "Go right ahead."

  Boyd was pleased to see that he got a signal down here. He tapped away at his screen. "Any secret history to this place I should know about?"

  "No axe murders, if that's what you're asking. At least, none that I'm aware of."

  "Happy to hear it. I'd noticed that it hadn't been rented for a few months."

  "Oh, that. The people who lived here before...they weren't great tenants. I don't mean that they ripped up the floorboards or anything. They just didn't take care of the place. Took the owner a long time and a lot of cash to get the house back into shape. It's still far from perfect—I mean, I would've painted the outside."

  "That's no big deal."

  "So that was a bad experience for her, and she quite frankly priced it out of the market for a while. People came and looked, but koi pond or not, she simply wasn't going to rent it out for that price. It didn't seem to bother her. Recently, I guess she—it's not my place to talk about her personal business, but she had a bit of a financial stumbling block and needed somebody paying rent here right away. I think she went a little too far in the other direction."

  "I'm surprised nobody else is looking at it," said Boyd.

  "I'm sorry, did I give that impression? No, no, I've given a few tours today. There's at least one application in. The owner doesn't want cats scratching the place up, and they've got two of 'em, so I think if you passed the credit check your family would get it over theirs, but I wouldn't wait too long."

  "Oh. Okay, well, I've sent the pictures, so let me call—"

  His phone rang.

&n
bsp; "It's my wife. Mind if I take this?"

  "Of course not."

  "Hi, honey," Boyd said.

  "That's an amazing backyard," said Adeline.

  "Yeah. The whole house is definitely workable. It meets all of our criteria, plus it's got the basement and the ping-pong table. I say we go for it."

  "The girls loved the pictures. They're already fighting about which room they get."

  "Tell them the decision is out of their control. If you're okay with it, I'll get the process started here." Boyd wanted to ask her to do some research on the schools, with the understanding that they'd withdraw their application if Adeline wasn't satisfied, but he didn't want to say that out loud with Jack standing right there. He'd text it to her.

  "I'm okay with it," said Adeline, "but I want to check out the schools online before we officially commit."

  "Sounds great. Give the girls a kiss for me."

  Boyd disconnected the call. "We're in," he told Jack. "What's the next step?"

  * * *

  They got the house.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Before

  "You got a problem with my colostomy bag?"

  The kid didn't look away from it. "Nah. Just don't see a lot of them. That thing permanent?"

  Larry Maddox shook his head. "Recovering from surgery."

  "Oh yeah? What kind?"

  "The kind where you crap in a plastic sack afterward."

  The kid grinned and took a long drink of his beer, finishing off the pint. Maddox hated that he was old enough to think of a twenty-two year-old as a "kid," but there wasn't shit he could do to stop the passage of time. And, hey, he'd never expected to live past thirty, much less forty, so even if he felt old as hell at least he wasn't dead and buried.

  The kid wiped his mouth off on the back of his sleeve and belched. "This is an intense job. You can still work, right?"

  "I wouldn't be here if I couldn't, Eddie."

  "Edwin."

  "Really?"

  "That surprise you?"

  "Yeah. I thought I'd get shot if I called you Edwin. Most guys like you would be Eddie all the way."