These Days Series: After Tuesday | Forgotten Yesterday | Deciding Tomorrow

by Renee Ericson

  “What am I going to do?” I asked Mara and myself, behind my hands.

  Her arms wrapped around me and I began to sob uncontrollably for what felt like an eternity. Flowing a river of tears for everything I had been working for, planning, and wanting. My future. All swept away at once.

  She followed me down as I huddled myself into a ball on the floor. With the lightest touch, she consoled me by rubbing my back.

  “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered in a mantra for some time.

  When the “ugly cry” began to let up, I sat back, huffing, and wiped away the wetness with the back of my shirt. Mara leaned across the room, pulled a bottle of water from the tiny refrigerator and handed it to me. I held it, unable to function any further.

  “What do you want to do?” She questioned gently, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind my ear.

  A little calmer, I stood back up and began to pace again. My erratic emotions wouldn’t stop running in circles around and into every nook and cranny of my brain. I may have cried and let it all go, but it was still there and it was too much to take and deal with at once. I had school, barely any money, no job, I was too young, and this was not the plan. I had everything coming together and now I didn’t know what I had.

  I had Brent…

  Opening the bottle of water, I sipped it to see if it would help. It didn’t.

  “I don’t know,” I declared, exasperated. “I don’t know what I want to do.”

  “You never thought about what you would do if this were to happen?”

  “No,” I said incredulously. “I made sure this wouldn’t happen. I did everything right so it wouldn’t happen.”

  She quietly nods her head.

  “Mara,” I scolded. “We were careful. I’m not one of those girls trying to trap their boyfriend or some careless idiot.”

  “All right.” She pushed herself up onto the bed. “Are you going to tell Brent?”

  Pausing, I tried to gain composure. “Yes. Yes, I’m going to tell him. He needs to know.”

  “What if he shits or freaks out?”

  I fidget with the cap on the bottle to the water. “Then he freaks out, I guess. He should. I am. Look at me.”

  “Do you think he’ll want to keep it?”

  “I don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know what I want.”

  “Don’t you think you should know before you tell him?” she asked insistently. “It might make it easier.”

  “No,” I told her with finality. “He needs to know, no matter what. Trust me, Brent does not like to be kept in the dark about things and I’m not going to do that to him.”

  It was going to suck telling him, but we would figure out what to do. This is one true thing I knew with sincerity and all of my heart. I may not have had the answers, but together we would do the right thing.

  “When do you think you’ll tell him?” she asked slowly, drawing out her words.

  I took another sip of water, put on the cap, and stepped toward the door. “Well, studying is definitely off the table and there’s no way I’m going to sleep…so, no better time than now.”

  Placing my hand on the doorknob, I looked at Mara one last time before leaving.

  “Thanks,” I said, shyly. We weren’t close before, but I felt a strong connection then. “For everything.”

  “Absolutely. Good luck.”

  Within the span of a few hours my entire reality had changed. It was time to share this truth with Brent. This wasn’t my issue or his…it was ours.

  ~Present~

  Reaching into my shirt, I pull out the ruby charm hidden beneath the cotton fabric and run it side to side along the chain. I shove the image of Mara and I back into its pocket, slamming the book shut. Plopping back on the bed, I squeeze my eyes fiercely in an attempt to withhold the memory of what came next.

  It’s no use.

  Combing my fingers through my hair, I let the images take over.

  ~Past~

  My lips twitched and the tears began to roll across my cheeks. I wiped them away, hoping a tearless face would be a braver one. I looked profoundly into Brent’s green-grey eyes, the same ones that spoke everything to my whole being at times when I needed it most. This was one of those times. Please give me strength.

  “Brent. I’m pregnant.”

  Silence.

  He stood vacant—unmoving.

  More silence.

  My pulse thrummed loudly in my ears, counting the seconds. There was no sound anywhere in his dorm. Not a hum or a footstep or even a breath. I stared into him, attempting to force some reaction with my gaze—any reaction at all. Nothing.

  My mouth opened to speak, but nothing came. My body was shaking with all of the accumulating adrenaline and I was at a loss for words. What is going on in his head?

  “I…I,” I stuttered. “Brent?”

  He raised his brows and slumped slightly. Then…he moved away from me, taking a step back toward the window and gazed out into the night.

  I was left vacated, feeling the air more acutely as it cooled my damp lashes. Everything was empty and impossible with him not by my side. I was alone with no answers, with no one to hold me, and unsure of what my world would become.

  The energy in the room was hollow and unnerving. I needed to leave. I couldn’t be in a room of silence—of rejection.

  Quietly, I stepped to the door and opened it. Retreating.

  “Ruby?”

  I peered at Brent through glassy eyes and he stared back at me, mirroring the questions and the sadness.

  “Yeah?” My voice quaked with every insecurity that I had ever had.

  He projected fear, shock, and a lack of understanding. I knew that reaction. I was still experiencing it. It was still enduring.

  Offering a tearful smile, I closed the door and went to stand beside him. His hands hung heavily at his sides.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yeah. I’m sure. I’m late and I took a test. Two, actually.” My lip quivered despite my efforts to be brave.

  “What are we going to do?” he asked from behind closed lids.

  The absolute unknown hit me all over again. Covering my face, I began to sob and blubbered out, “I don’t know.”

  ~Present~

  Grunting, I sit up and take hold of the photo album. It’s time to go all in. I flip the page again to find one of the last images of Brent and I ever taken together. It was right before Thanksgiving during our freshman year at college. It’s the very last picture in the album.

  There we were, two kids, barely even nineteen, with no idea of what our future would bring and a baby between us.

  Eleven

  Closing up the album, I plop backwards onto my bed. That was such a scary time of unknowns, uncertainty, and silence for both of us. We were just starting out and had to face a giant setback together. I had no idea what was the right thing to do. We barely talked for two weeks while sorting out our reality with a life changing decision ahead of us.

  During all of the silence, I thought about what I really wanted, and having the baby was the choice that I kept coming back to. The thought of an abortion made me sick to my stomach. However, I also hated the feeling that Brent might feel trapped by my desire to have and keep the child. I never wanted to do that to him.

  I was scared shitless by my instincts, but Brent took away that fear. We really were in this together and I knew in the depth my being that he would be the rock I needed. He always had been, before.

  ~Past~

  Standing by our hometown lake over Thanksgiving break, tears began to trickle as I lost myself further and further into his embrace. My sobbing didn’t even surprise me—given the emotional mess I had been the past few weeks. Within the comfort of his arms, I felt nothing but safety and love. Everything just felt easier to handle with him.

  Squeezing me tighter, if that was even possible, Brent said, “I can’t wait until we get back to school to talk about it.” He took in a huge inhale. “I kn
ow what I want and I’m not keeping it to myself any longer. I don’t want the abortion at all.”

  Tightening my arms around him, I choked on my tears. “I don’t either. I want to have the baby, too.”

  “Thank god.” He pulled me into him—completely—tucking me into his chest. He was holding us…all three of us. He wanted us.

  “Brent,” I began to sob. “Oh my god, are we really doing this?”

  “Yeah,” he whispered. “We are.”

  “Everything is going to change.”

  ~Present~

  Sitting up, I grab the book filled with photos and make my way into the closet to bury it away, once again. I’m not sure why I’m tormenting myself with what could have been. It didn’t happen and that’s all that matters now. It didn’t work out.

  Opening the bottom drawer, I throw the album into the pile of papers and trinkets. I begin to close it with my foot, but pause, catching a glimpse of the manila envelope tucked away from sight. My logical mind may not want look inside, but curiosity pulls me towards it.

  Am I strong enough to see it again?

  There’s only one way to find out.

  I pull out the elusive package and take a seat on the floor, holding the weighty paper rectangle in my lap. I flip open the top and peer inside.

  It’s just papers.

  No, it isn’t.

  It’s everything.

  My fingers move on their own, like they don’t belong to me, as they reach down between the fibrous folds, finding what they want. The thin, square, filmy paper, like a receipt, comes in contact with my hand and I draw it out slowly, careful not to damage it. Moving the folder aside, I gaze vacantly at the black, grey, and white image, unable to comprehend the shapes. I know what it is, but can’t allow myself to fully accept what was.

  In the corner, I read my name and 8w 4d. This image was taken when I was a little over eight weeks pregnant to confirm my due date.

  This little angel graced both of our lives that day.

  ~Past~

  “So let’s take a look,” the blonde ultrasound tech said, while prepping me for the imaging.

  Brent came to stand by my side as I nervously lay back on the paper-covered table. The tech talked through the whole process until the images showed up on the screen.

  “And there’s your uterus,” she said, as Brent and I watched the monitor, intently.

  She continued to adjust the wand, causing shapes to come and go quickly on the screen with every movement. She then stopped when a large circle appeared with a small, but undoubtedly, child like figure. In the center, of what I assumed was its belly, a quick-flashing circle pulsed. I gaped in awe at the figure as the tech clacked and drew lines.

  “Okay, it looks like you are just over eight weeks. Now…” She held the image and clacked some more. “Let’s measure the baby’s heartbeat.”

  Up on the screen she measured the heartbeat on a line.

  “Looks good,” the tech announced. She glanced in my direction, her ponytail swinging slightly, and asked, “Would you like to hear the heartbeat?”

  “Yeah,” I stated, captivated by the whole process. The little being, magically living inside of me, was mesmerizing.

  She flicked a switch and we listened to the heartbeat of our baby. The rapid steady beat tattooed into the air like wish.

  It was real. There really was someone in there. It had been difficult for my brain to grasp the concept, but now I felt like we had, had a formal greeting—the baby and I.

  I peered up at Brent through my glassy vision, overcome by the dreamlike sound of our baby. He gazed down at me with an expression I had never seen on him before. It wasn’t love, or happiness, or joy, but something else. It was spread all over his face and the sound of our baby put it there. I loved that look.

  “Everything looks good,” the tech said, turning off the sound and stopping the procedure.

  Just like that our wonderful moment was over.

  This was a memory I knew I would carry with me forever. I would never forget it or that sound. I wanted nothing more than to listen to our baby’s heartbeat all day long, record it and play it on a loop.

  The tech handed us two images from the ultrasound, told us to check back in at the front desk and wait for the rest of my appointment. As we walked down the hall, Brent by my side, I couldn’t look at anything other than the pictures in my hand.

  Brent wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

  “That was…surreal,” he said.

  “It’s our baby.” I smiled at him, unable to hold back the joy, bubbling inside.

  “It sure is.”

  ~Present~

  Sniffing, I run my finger along the bottom of my eye. Seeing our baby for the first time was a feeling I will never forget. Even now, my heart longs to have that time back. I could tell that Brent was ready to become a father, or at least really wanted to be one to our baby, and I knew that we had made the right decision. He wanted the child as much as I did and he loved me in a way I never knew he could. I didn’t know anyone could ever be loved like that.

  ~Past~

  Brent hesitated, searching for the answer to a question he wasn’t asking. Then suddenly he stood up off of his dorm room bed, raising me with him. Holding both of my hands he lowered down on to one knee, never taking his eyes from mine.

  My heart began to beat in a rapid staccato when I realized what was happening. This was that moment that a couple remembered forever. This was our moment.

  “Ruby Anne Miller,” Brent said in earnest. “The first time I saw you, you took my breath away, made my heart skip a beat, and I had to know you. It was like you drew me to you for reasons I couldn’t comprehend.” He smiled. “You just make me so happy. You challenge me, keep me in check and make me a better person. I’m always my best when I’m with you. I need you in my life forever and longer.” He released my right hand and clasped my left with both of his. “I don’t have a ring to give you, but please know that you have my heart. Will you marry me?”

  His words speared right into me and I was blissfully gutted. I tried to hold back the tears, but it was no use. They slid down both of my cheeks, leaving their salty residue on the corners of my mouth.

  “Yes!” I burbled. “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

  Dropping to my knees, I joined him on the floor where we kissed so openly and passionately, there was no way we could get physically closer to one another.

  Gasping, I pulled back to hold his face in my hands. All I wanted to do was take in the man who had just poured his soul to me.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you, too.”

  ~Present~

  We had a life we were making for ourselves. It wasn’t the one we had planned, but it was one we wanted together. That was all that mattered at the time.

  Placing the ultrasound picture back into the envelope, I pull out the very last image of Brent and I ever taken together. We were planning to go back to our hometown that very weekend to tell his parents and my family about the baby. I was nearly sixteen weeks pregnant and just starting to get a baby bump, so we knew we couldn’t hide it any longer.

  We had made all the plans necessary as well in preparation for having a child. I had talked with financial aid and the department about taking a hiatus. Brent was going to get a student loan and we were going to be married at the end of the school year. We planned to move into couples housing. It was a hard road ahead but we were going to make it work.

  The picture in my hand is a self-portrait taken by Brent. He’s kneeling down on the ground, holding my shirt up with his lips pressed to my slightly bulging stomach. It was such a little bump, but we were fascinated by it all.

  Who would have ever known this would be our only family portrait?

  ~Past~

  Feeling pressure on my abdomen, I set my glass on the desk and hurried down the hall to the bathroom. I was always going to the bathroom. It was like this little person wanted me to own stock in to
ilet paper.

  Pulling down my pants, I took a seat on the toilet.

  Everything stood still.

  My panties were streaked with fresh red blood. Fear took hold as I wiped myself only to find more crimson on the toilet paper.

  Quickly grabbing a pad, I freshened up and picked up my phone to call Brent—scared shitless. I shouldn’t be having my period and spotting should not be happening. We had just had an appointment three weeks ago and everything was fine.

  The phone rang several times, finally going into his voicemail. Patiently, I listened to his familiar greeting and then left a message.

  “Brent…uh, I need you to call me as soon as you can.” I could hear the distress in my own voice. “I’m okay, but…just call when you get this.”

  I hung up the phone and raced back to my room. Shuffling through my purse, I found the business card to my doctor’s office. It took me what felt like an eternity to steady my fingers enough to dial the number.

  It only rang once, going into voicemail saying that the office was closed for lunch. The last part of their message stated that if it was an emergency, I needed to hang up and dial 911. Throwing the phone onto my bed, I flew back into the bathroom to see if there was any more blood.

  There wasn’t.

  It was clean.

  Something was wrong, though. I knew it in the most unfathomable part of my soul.

  I headed back to my room again, picking up my pace when I heard my phone ringing.

  Answering on the last ring, I panted, “Hello.”

  “Ruby?” Brent asked frantically, “Are you okay?”

  “I’m not sure.” Tears of fear erupted. “I…I’m bleeding.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously.

  “I…I mean, I think there’s something wrong with the baby.”

  “I’ll be right there. I’m coming right now.”

  He hung up the phone and I met him the lobby of my dorm when he arrived about five minutes later. I cried into his shoulder for quite some time, until he was able to calm me enough with his soothing words.”