More Than Life

by Nick Kove

  ‘Good.’ He patted my arm. ‘Because I don’t particularly fancy moving right now.’

  I chuckled.

  ‘Yeah, no, me neither.’

  ‘Go to sleep. If you’re good I’ll give you a BJ in the morning.’

  ‘If I’m good?’ I turned my head on the pillow to look at him, eyebrows raised.

  He grinned cheekily.

  ‘Yeah, no molesting me while I’m asleep.’

  ‘I really can’t make any promises.’ I tickled his side and he squirmed away from me, slapping my hand.

  ‘You want a BJ or not? Because if you do, no molesting. Hell, if you’re really good, I’ll let you fuck me again.’

  ‘You would?’ Now, this was something I could go along with. ‘You’re not too sore?’

  ‘Oh, please.’ He swatted my hand away. ‘If there’s anything I’m good at, it’s some nice butt-fucking. Trust me, Glenn, I’m used to it. You really think anyone’s ever going to expect me to be anything but on the receiving end?’

  I swallowed nervously because honestly, I couldn’t quite see it, no.

  On the other hand, I wanted to be on the receiving end, but I was a regular masculine guy and I wasn’t supposed to want someone else’s dick in my arse.

  Yet I did. I craved it—but I never asked for it.

  Well, except that one time… Anyway, I’d mostly been with girls, and there was only one way to have sex with a girl.

  ‘Exactly.’ Nik rolled his eyes. ‘Because I’m effeminate and not that tall, everyone expects me to be the one to take it up the arse. People like you, who don’t look gay—’

  ‘I’m not gay,’ I said automatically.

  He gave me the side-eye but kept on talking.

  ‘As I said, people like you who don’t look gay, are expected to want to stick your dick into every hole you can find. If you want to bend over and have a dick in you, that’s somehow wrong because you’re so big and tough and a proper guy and it’s not how things are supposed to be.’

  Yeah, exactly.

  ‘You’re not even denying it.’ He sounded a little bit frustrated now. ‘If I said I wanted to be the one to fuck you, would you let me?’

  Panic welled up inside me.

  ‘Nik—’

  ‘Exactly, Glenn. You wouldn’t. A fit guy like you wouldn’t want a sissy like me to fuck you in the arse. It’s all so stereotypical and wrong.’

  ‘Can we not talk about this?’ I asked in a strangled voice because damn it all, but I wanted so much for the roles to be reversed. I just didn’t dare say it.

  ‘Sure.’ But he didn’t sound particularly happy about it. ‘I’m tired anyway.’ He turned his back on me—and the nice, relaxed atmosphere we’d had earlier, eviscerated, just like that.

  Nik was gone when I woke up, so he hadn’t gone through with his promise of a blowjob. After our talk before we went to sleep, I hadn’t expected a morning fuck, but the blowjob would’ve been nice.

  Especially as I woke up with morning wood. Not that that was out of the ordinary.

  I reached down under the bed and drew the box I kept all my stuff in out. I’d got condoms and lube from it last night, but I had no idea where we’d scattered the half-empty tube so I needed a new one.

  Once I got myself off and threw the tube back into the box, and half-heartedly kicked it back under the bed, I went to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

  I hadn’t had so much to drink last night that I was hungover, so that was a plus. The fact I’d seen Nik when I had made sure alcohol hadn’t been on my mind much.

  Back in my room, I stuffed my laptop and charger in my rucksack, then got dressed. I threw the rucksack out the window ahead of me before I climbed out as well.

  I was going to go to the bakery to get some breakfast, then head to the library to get some writing done. It was always easier to write there than at home. I didn’t know why, but at home, I always got distracted by something or another, be it online or in my room.

  Not that there wasn’t WiFi in the library, but it was somehow easier not to get distracted in there.

  Since I couldn’t bring food with me to the library, I chose a table in the corner of the café with only enough space for two people. Since I was on my own there was no point taking up a table for four.

  I toyed with my phone as I ate, somehow ending up on Nik’s Facebook. We weren’t friends, but he seemed to have most of the stuff he posted on his profile visible to everyone. He hadn’t posted anything new in a few days, though.

  It irked me that he’d left early in the morning, sneaking out without even saying goodbye.

  He could’ve at least left a note.

  The times I’d done the same to countless hook-ups gnawed at the back of my mind.

  Getting a dose of your own medicine. How’s that feel?

  It felt really shitty, actually.

  Maybe I should text him? Would that be okay? Was there some unspoken rule in the land of one-offs that said I couldn’t text him? Was he pissed about our conversation? Surely it hadn’t been that bad…

  ‘Fuck,’ I muttered, biting anxiously on the plastic fork.

  I had no idea what to do. There was a reason I only did one-offs. Because they were only one time.

  After eight months of nothing, could our actions last night count as a second one-off? Was I not supposed to obsess over it and instead move on?

  Fuck that!

  I didn’t want to move on. Which was frustrating because I didn’t actually want Nik. Not as more as a one-off. Or more-off. As-long-as-he’s-here-off.

  He couldn’t be on holiday for more than a week, surely?

  I wanted to spend that week with him. We could fuck our brains out. Maybe I’d even work up the courage to ask him to do me like I wanted. That wasn’t very likely, but… I could dream.

  Fuck this, I’m texting him.

  I had to. I couldn’t sit here and bite nervously on the bloody fork all day. I had work to do and as long as I was obsessing over Nik, I wouldn’t be able to get anything written.

  Time to grow some balls and take a chance.

  Me: What’s up?

  Now all I had to do was wait. And hope he would answer. Because he would, right?

  He kept me waiting for ten bloody minutes though, but when my phone did beep, I was afraid to see what he’d replied.

  What if he told me not to text him again?

  Nikolai: Hey, Glenn. Are you chatting me up? LOL, just kidding. Or am I? Not much happening here. Or too much, maybe. Busy, busy, busy. What about you?

  Me: I’m out for breakfast.

  Nikolai: What’re you having?

  Me: Pasta salad.

  Nikolai: Healthy, much?

  Me: Not really. It’s got feta cheese and lots of oil and shit.

  Nikolai: Sounds delicious. Anyway. I’m sorry I was gone this morning. Had stuff to do.

  Me: It’s OK. Kinda boring though.

  Nikolai: What’s boring?

  Me: I didn’t get the promised BJ. So, I’m bored.

  Nikolai: You know what I like to do when I’m bored and there’s no one else around?

  Me: I’m afraid to ask.

  Nikolai: A good, old wank. Nothing’s better than that.

  I’d already done that. All on my own. That was boring too—especially as my hand was all I’d had for the past eight months.

  Nikolai: Why so quiet? Did I hit a nerve? Are you wanking off right now? Hah, that would be awesome! You know what, why don’t you send me a pic?

  Me: A pic? Of what?

  Nikolai: Your dick. Duh. That’s the whole point of a dick pic.

  Me: Sorry. No can do.

  Nikolai: Awww, you’re no fun. What did you chat me up for if you don’t want to have any fun?

  Me: I didn’t chat you up. I’m bored, is all.

  Nikolai: And I was the first person on your contact list? I kinda doubt that.

  Me: I can stop sending you messages.

  Nikolai: No, no, it’s fine.
I’m just a little confused.

  Me: About what?

  Nikolai: You, Glenn. You confuse me.

  I confused him? Like he was a fucking open book. I didn’t understand him at all.

  Nikolai: Did you have to think about that one? Or are you still wanking?

  Me: I’m not having a wank. Jesus.

  Nikolai: Do you have Snapchat?

  Me: What?

  Nikolai: You know, Snapchat. That app where you send pictures. Give me your username.

  Me: What do you want with it?

  Nikolai: Never mind, I’ve got you in my contact list. So, I added you. Add me back!

  Me: What’re you going to send me?

  Nikolai: You think I’m sending you dick pics?

  Me: The thought struck me, yeah.

  Nikolai: Chill out, man. I’m not. Or maybe I am. Who knows. You can only watch it for a maximum of ten seconds anyway.

  Me: Unless I take a screenshot.

  Nikolai: So, you do know what Snapchat is.

  Me: Who doesn’t? But aren’t you afraid that a picture of your dick’s going to end up in the wrong hands?

  Nikolai: Hey, if someone wants a pic of my dick to wank to, they’re welcome to it.

  Me: Jesus, Nik.

  Nikolai: Well, you’re a prude. I’m sorry, did I offend you? #sorrynotsorry. Like, for real. You can’t go around and be embarrassed by something like that. Live your life a little, Glenn!

  Me: It’s not much of a life in this town, to be honest.

  Nikolai: This town has a great nightlife!

  Me: I don’t really go out much. Last night was… I don’t go out often.

  Nikolai: Well, if you can’t go out on the pull, have a wank. That’s all the advice I’ve got. It’s super advice!

  Me: Yeah, right.

  Nikolai: You’re a bloke. You have a functioning dick. Go have a wank. And add me on Snapchat. Preferably add me on Snapchat first and then snap me a pic, okay?

  Me: Not gonna happen, Nik. Not in your wildest dreams.

  Nikolai: You’re no fun. You suck. Wait, no, now I think about it…

  Me: ???

  Nikolai: You don’t actually suck. You didn’t suck me off. I didn’t suck you off either. Shame on me. We got to rectify that. Tonight maybe? We meet up, you suck me off, I suck you off, I let you stick your dick in my arse~

  Me: Thumbs up for that. Tonight it is.

  Nikolai: It’s a date~

  What with a date with Nik arranged and thousands of new words written, the day was going pretty well.

  Until I came home, anyway.

  Where I found my room in pristine condition. All my dirty clothes were gone. The dirty dishes too. And worst of all, the box I’d carelessly kicked under the bed had been moved.

  ‘Shit.’

  If Mum had been in here… okay, not if. She had been here. And she’d found my box. My secret stash; not of porn magazines as would’ve been the case when I was younger before I could find everything on the internet, but of my sex toys. The dildos and the lubes and the condoms and the butt plugs.

  Oh fuck.

  My stomach was in knots, my chest felt tight with anxiety, and my face burned in embarrassment.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  Why the hell did she go through my room? I was an adult. I lived home by choice, not because I wasn’t old enough to move out on my own. She had no right to go through my things.

  That bitch.

  It was called privacy for a reason. Just because I wasn’t the tidiest guy around didn’t mean I wasn’t going to get to the cleaning eventually. I could carry my own dirty laundry over to the laundry basket. I could even put on a machine all on my own.

  This was a total breach of trust.

  Not that I trusted her much to begin with.

  Not that I trusted anyone.

  ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck!’ My knuckles crunched as I hit the wall—and that last loud fuck wasn’t because of my panic but because of the pain that lanced up my arm from the impact. That pain enveloped the panic, pushed it down and away for a minute.

  I sank onto my bed, cradling my hand close as I rode through the throbbing in it.

  What was I supposed to do now?

  ‘Hey!’

  I jumped as Marcus rapped sharply on my partly open bedroom door.

  ‘What?’ I was not in the mood to deal with him.

  ‘What’s your problem?’ He scowled at me. ‘Not going to try and off yourself again are you?’

  ‘No.’ As if I would tell him if I were.

  ‘Good.’ He scowled harder.

  ‘Was there anything else you wanted?’ I asked, pronouncing the words carefully just to annoy him.

  ‘Yeah. Mum wanted me to give you these when you came home.’ He held out a glass of water and a closed fist. A closed fist that very likely held my antidepressants. ‘It’s so important, apparently.’

  It was.

  I was supposed to take them at roughly the same time every day.

  ‘Thanks,’ I murmured grudgingly, but when I went over and tried to reach for the glass, pain shot through my hand again. ‘Ow, fuck!’

  Marcus’s eyes narrowed.

  ‘Would you lay off the act?’

  ‘What?’ What the hell was he on about?

  ‘That act you’ve got going that makes Mum go all nurse on you. Even Dad tiptoes around you.’ He thrust the glass against my chest so water sloshed over the edge.

  I cradled it close with my unharmed hand.

  ‘It’s not an act.’

  ‘Yeah, it is.’ He opened his fist to reveal my tablets.

  I held out my hurt hand. It shook as Marcus dropped the pills in my palm.

  ‘Don’t you fucking dare do anything down here when I’m home.’ He crossed his arms defensively and glowered.

  ‘I’ll make sure not to die when you’re around.’ I tipped the pills into my mouth and took a big sip of water to wash them down with.

  I was so done with Marcus and his bullshit.

  Why couldn’t I have a normal brother who cared? Andreas might not have his parents, but he had his sisters. They were proper siblings. They could chat together, they cared about each other, they were there for each other.

  Marcus and I had never been close. We never would be close. Especially not after he went after Alex with an iron bar.

  I would never forgive him for that. I couldn’t.

  ‘Why do you want to die anyway?’ he asked brusquely.

  ‘Do I need a reason to?’

  ‘Isn’t that usually how it goes? What, is life too hard for you?’

  ‘Something like that,’ I muttered, turning my back on him to put the glass on my desk.

  ‘Get the fuck over it, Glenn. Mum’s been in a right state ever since last year when you decided to swallow all those damn pills.’ He hit the doorway with a slap of his palm, then slammed the door as he left.

  ‘Arsehole,’ I murmured, feeling like a coward for not being able to say it to him when I had him in front of me.

  I just couldn’t confront him. I wanted to. So much. Back when I found out he’d bashed Alex… Andreas hadn’t been happy with me. He’d even hit me. I’d wanted to do Marcus in then. Still did.

  And about a year ago, when he threatened Alex at the football field. I’d wanted to be the one to plant a fist in his face—but it had been Andreas who did it instead. Because I’d stood frozen. I hadn’t been able to deal with my own damn brother.

  ‘Shit.’

  I needed to get my mind off of everything. But what the hell could I do?

  Mum had been in my room, she’d seen my stuff. She knew. And I had no idea how she felt about it. I didn’t want to know either. It was personal. Too personal for my mother to know about.

  There was one person who might understand. Would he mind if I texted him again? I had no one else to talk to, after all.

  After chewing anxiously on my bottom lip for several minutes, going back and forth with myself, I grabbed my phone and started ty
ping.

  Me: Have you ever been put in a really awkward position?

  Nikolai: You got to be a bit more specific, man. I’ve been in plenty awkward positions.

  Me: The kind where I think my mother found my stash.

  Nikolai: Your porn? Or your drugs?

  Me: No, my sex toys.

  Nikolai: You’ve got sex toys? Tell me more! Or, no, even better: Send me a pic of them!

  Me: No!

  Nikolai: You’re absolutely no fun.

  Me: I wanted to ask advice.

  Nikolai: About sex toys?

  Me: No, about my mother finding them!

  Nikolai: Oh, right. Not sure I can help. Can’t say that my mum’s ever found my sex toys. Why has she been in your room anyway? That’s such a huge breach of privacy. I would have words with her.

  Me: She had her reasons.

  Nikolai: What can justify going through your grown son’s room? I don’t get it. My mum would never do that. But anyway, maybe you don’t have to say anything at all? Are you out to her?

  Me: I’m not out to anyone.

  Nikolai: You’re out to me. I’m someone. That you don’t count me as anyone is so offensive, Glenn.

  I closed my eyes. I hadn’t meant it like that.

  Nikolai: Hey… Did that piss you off? Because you just pissed me off. You’re worse than me. Or Ben. Both of us can be proper drama queens when we’re pissed off. I don’t even know why you sent me a message in the first place. You’re in with the fucking but out with the talking? Newsflash, Glenn, you ‘talked’ to me first. And I’m a person. A living, breathing human being that you can’t just discard. So, what if your mum found your sex toys? Who doesn’t have sex toys nowadays? Was it anything bad? Bondage gear? Sadomasochism? Horseplay?

  What the hell did he think I got up to?

  Me: Dildos and butt plugs.

  Nikolai: Oh, he lives. And there’s nothing bad about dildos and butt plugs. They’re good. So good. In fact, to lighten your mood, why don’t you use them? Wait a little… Do you like that? A dick up your arse?

  Shit. He wasn’t supposed to know that.

  But why else would I have fucking dildos and butt plugs if not to use them on myself?