Attack of the Tighty Whities!

by Nancy Krulik

  “Hey, that’s pretty good,” Chris laughed. “You really sound like a billy goat.”

  “Get off of there,” Julianna insisted. “My uncle’s going to get mad.”

  Boy, was Julianna right. Just then, her uncle Harry came rushing over. “Julianna!” he shouted. “Get your friend off of there!”

  Whoosh! Suddenly, George felt something go pop. It was like a balloon burst in his belly. All the air rushed out of him.

  The super burp was gone. But George was still there on the Three Billy Goats Gruff bridge. “Get over here right now!” Julianna’s uncle demanded.

  George did as he was told. He slid off the bridge. Then he opened his mouth to say, “I’m sorry.” And that’s exactly what came out.

  “I can’t believe you got us thrown out,” Julianna grumbled a few minutes later as she and the boys walked home. “I bet my uncle tells my mother.”

  George frowned. He didn’t want to get Julianna in trouble. Louie’s mom already hated him. If things kept going this way, every mom in Beaver Brook was going to have it in for him.

  Stupid super burp. It was worse than any witch, troll, or giant could ever be. It was real.

  Alex started laughing as soon as George walked onto the playground the next morning.

  George grinned. He was wearing his new underwear over his pants so everyone could see them. It was Backward Day after all. “I like your backward sweatshirt,” George told Alex.

  “My mom had to zip it for me,” Alex said. “It’s hard to zip when the zipper’s in the back.” He stopped for a minute and looked at George. “How’s your stomach feeling?”

  “Okay for now,” George said. “I didn’t eat any beans last night. And I didn’t have root beer, either. Root beer can cause real stomach trouble.” He stopped and smiled. “Did you know stomach is spelled with a silent h at the end? It was one of the words on last night’s spelling list. My mom is coaching me.”

  Just then, Louie came rolling over on his sneakers with wheels. He was wearing his new leather jacket backward. Max and Mike were walking behind Louie. They were both wearing their baseball caps backward.

  “I see England, I see France, I see George’s underpants,” Louie sang out.

  George rolled his eyes. “Duh. You’re supposed to see my underpants. I’m wearing my clothes in backward order. It’s about as backward as it gets.”

  “No way,” Max said. “Louie’s more backward than you.”

  “Yeah,” Mike added. “Everybody’s always talking about how backward Louie is.”

  “Do something backward, Louie,” Mike urged.

  Louie grinned. “Like this?” he asked as he started skating backward on his wheelie sneakers all around the yard.

  Bam! Louie’s wheels slid out from under him.

  “Ouch!”

  Louie landed on his rear.

  George and Alex laughed. Mike and Max laughed a little, too—until Louie glared at them.

  “What are you laughing at?” Louie asked George. He sounded really, really mad.

  George stopped laughing. It was safer that way. Because from the look on Louie’s face, it seemed like he was ready to knock George backward to last Tuesday. And if anyone could do that, it was Louie!

  A few minutes later, George saw Mrs. Kelly waiting for everybody at the door to their classroom. She was wearing a red, flannel bathrobe and bunny slippers. And she had curlers in her hair. “I’m ready for bed, which is what I do at the end of the day,” she explained.

  “That sure is very backward of you, Mrs. Kelly,” George said.

  Suddenly, out of nowhere, George’s teacher began dancing. “Hello, I must be going,” she sang. “I came to say, I cannot stay, I must be going.”

  Mrs. Kelly was definitely one weird teacher. But she was nice, too. It took a lot of guts to dance around the classroom in a nightgown and bunny slippers.

  Mrs. Kelly finished her song and dance and walked up to the front of the room. “Okay, class, take your seats,” she said. “It’s time to get started.”

  George raised his hand. “Don’t you mean we have to finish up?” he asked.

  The kids all laughed.

  “Okay, everyone, open your new books to page one hundred twelve,” Mrs. Kelly said.

  George smiled. Page 112 was the last page of the book. They were starting at the end. That was very backward!

  When George’s class went to phys ed, Mr. Trainer was standing in the middle of the gym. Even that was backward in a way. Mr. Trainer was hardly ever in school. Usually, Mrs. Kelly substituted for him, which stunk because Mrs. Kelly made the kids do weird things, like square-dance.

  “So what are we going to do today?” Mr. Trainer asked the kids.

  Huh?

  “Don’t you know?” Sage asked. “You’re the gym teacher.”

  “No, I’m not,” Mr. Trainer told her.

  Double huh?

  “Today is Backward Day,” Mr. Trainer reminded them. “Which means I’m a kid. One of you will be the gym teacher.”

  George laughed. Mr. Trainer was here, but they were still having a substitute!

  “Ooooh, me, me!” Louie shouted out before anyone else could.

  “Yeah, him, him!” Max and Mike exclaimed at once.

  “Okay, Louie, the class is all yours,” Mr. Trainer said. “What game is your class going to play?”

  “I’m in charge,” Louie said. “And that means we’ll play . . .”

  The kids all knew what he was going to say . . .

  “Killer ball!” they shouted.

  “Exactly,” Louie said as he grabbed a big, red ball.

  George was not a fan of killer ball. It was a game Louie had made up. It was sort of like dodgeball, only meaner. Louie always aimed for George.

  Louie took the whistle that Mr. Trainer wore on a chain around his neck and put it on. He blasted the whistle, and the game began.

  Bam! Mike slammed the ball at George as hard as he could. Somehow George managed to duck just in time. The ball hit the wall, and Julianna grabbed it. The ball whizzed across the gym and blasted Max.

  “Ouch!” Max shouted. He frowned. It was never cool to be the first person whacked in killer ball.

  Next, the ball came flying at Mr. Trainer. He caught it with no trouble.

  “Nice catch,” Julianna shouted.

  “Now what do I do?” Mr. Trainer asked Louie.

  “Throw it, and try to slam someone,” Louie said.

  Mr. Trainer threw the ball. Bam! Alex was out.

  George scooped up the ball and got ready to throw. But before he could, George felt something weird inside. Bubbles! Lots of them. Bouncing around deep down in his belly.

  Oh no! The super burp was back! And it wanted out. This was ba-a-ad. Really ba-a-ad!

  Ping-pong! Bing-bong! The bubbles were bouncing all around. George shut his mouth tight so the burp couldn’t slip out of his mouth.

  But the burp was smart—it turned around and started bouncing down the other way. Uh-oh!

  Was his worst fear about to come true? A backward burp? No way was George going to let that happen! He started bouncing up and down. Then he stood on his hands. He was trying to confuse the burp. This way, the bubbles wouldn’t know which way was up and which way was down.

  The kids laughed. All except Alex. He knew what was going on.

  Louie looked mad. He blew on the whistle. “There’s no pogo-ing in killer ball!” he shouted. “You gotta throw.”

  But George kept jumping up and down. Harder and harder he jumped. The bubbles in his belly went up and down and up and down. And then . . .

  Whoosh! Suddenly, George felt something go pop in the bottom of his belly. All the air rushed right out of him. The super burp was gone.

&nb
sp; George threw his hands up in the air. Then he sent the ball flying across the room!

  “Ouch!” Louie shouted as the ball slammed him right in the belly!

  Uh-oh. The kids all stopped moving. No one said a word.

  “Okay, game over,” Louie shouted suddenly.

  “Why?” Julianna asked.

  “I’m the teacher,” Louie told her. “I don’t have to give a reason.”

  George rolled his eyes. Talk about a sore loser.

  But George was no loser. He was a winner—big time. After all, he had just won the battle of the backward belch.

  And that was a huge Y-R-O-T-C-I-V. Victory . . . backward style.

  The next day during morning announcements, WEBS TV ran Julianna’s taped interview with George. George felt kind of like a celebrity as he sat with his classmates and watched himself on TV.

  “So, when did you discover you had a talent for spelling?” Julianna asked George.

  George shrugged. “I guess second grade. That’s when we started having spelling tests in one of my old schools.”

  “How many schools have you gone to?”

  “Mmmm, let’s see. This is the fourth. My dad is in the army, so my family has moved a lot.”

  “Does a talent for spelling run in your family?” Julianna asked him. “Are your mom and dad spelling champs, too?”

  “He’s not the champ yet,” Louie called out. “He hasn’t even been to the county-wide spelling bee.”

  “Well, he’s the champ here,” Sage reminded Louie.

  The kids focused their attention back on the TV. Julianna was asking George another question. “What’s the toughest word you can spell?” Julianna asked on the tape.

  “There’s this one HUGE word,” George answered. “My grandma taught it to me on the phone last night. It’s antidisestablishmentarianism.”

  Louie rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re all watching George spell on TV,” he said.

  “I believe it,” Max said.

  “Me too,” Mike added. “Because that’s what we’re doing. Can’t you see the TV, Louie? Do you want me to move so you can get a better view?”

  “No,” Louie grumbled. “I can see just fine.”

  George smiled as he watched himself standing on his head on TV and spelling upside down. Louie was j-e-a-l-o-u-s. And that was just f-i-n-e with George!

  On the Saturday morning of the spelling bee, George put on his new shirt and slacks. Then he went downstairs.

  “Ten-hut!” George’s dad shouted as George walked into the living room.

  George stood at attention while his mom inspected him.

  She looked down to make sure his shoes were tied. She looked up to make sure his bow tie was straight.

  “These new underpants are too tight,” George complained. “And these suspenders are yanking my pants up too high. Can’t I just wear jeans?” He tilted his head and gave his mom a huge smile. That was his special face. His mom always gave in when he gave her the special face.

  But not today. His mom wasn’t budging. “The underpants are tight because they’re new. They’ll loosen up. And the suspenders are important. They’ll make sure your pants don’t start to slide down during the spelling bee.” She licked her fingers.

  “Oh no, Mom!” George begged. “Not the spit. Please.”

  Yes, the spit. George’s mom rubbed her spitty fingers all over his hair to make it lay flat. Yuck!

  Finally, George’s mom decided he was good to go. “Let’s get in the car!” she announced.

  “I smell success!” George’s dad said.

  “Success. S-u-c-c-e-s-s,” George spelled. He sure hoped his dad was right!

  During the car ride, George’s stomach felt funny.

  “Are you okay, George?” his dad asked, glancing in the rearview mirror.

  Was his dad kidding? George was on his way to the county-wide spelling bee and was plenty nervous. Besides that, his tighty whities were practically strangling his rear. He had his mom’s spit in his hair. And now he felt like he was going to throw up. How was a guy supposed to be okay through all of that?

  Especially a guy who was worried about a certain massive, magical megaburp that always popped up at exactly the wrong time. And a county-wide spelling bee was just about the wrongest time there was.

  George was definitely NOT okay.

  “It’s okay to feel a little nervous, honey,” his mom said. “Spell nervous for me.”

  “N-E-R-V-O-U-S.”

  “I told you, I smell success,” his dad told him.

  George smiled a little. He sure hoped so.

  By the time George stepped out of the car in front of the community center, it felt as if his tighty whities were coming alive. They were so tight, he practically had a wedgie. George tried to reach in and pull them down. But then he saw Louie. He was standing right next to the refreshment stand in the lobby.

  “What are you doing here?” George asked him nervously.

  “My whole family is here,” Louie answered. “We come every year, since Sam was in the bee. You know, when he got his ribbon.”

  Bummer. It was bad enough that George was wearing weird clothes and being attacked by his underwear. Now Louie was going to be sitting there in the audience staring at him and just waiting for him to mess up.

  Luckily, Alex, Chris, and Julianna were coming, too. A moment later, they all walked in the door. Mrs. Kelly had brought them to cheer George on. Chris was carrying a big sign. He had drawn a picture of a kid that looked like George wearing a superhero costume on it. the picture said: GEORGE BROWN, SUPER SPELLER!

  “That’s really cool,” George told Chris. “Thanks.”

  “Hey, champ, how are you feeling?” Julianna asked. She rolled her hands into fists and pretended to pound at George like a boxer. “Are you ready to get out there and show them what you’re made of?”

  “I guess,” George said. Right now it felt like tiny ants were running up and down his body. He felt all tingly and itchy. Nerves could do that to a guy.

  “We’re very proud, George,” Mrs. Kelly said.

  “I just hope I don’t mess up in front of everybody.” He gave Alex a look. “I don’t want to look like a jerk.”

  Alex nodded. He knew exactly what George was talking about. “Just don’t think about it,” he whispered to his best friend. “Be positive.”

  “P-o-s-i-t-i-v-e,” George spelled. He was trying to be.

  “This place is really filling up,” Julianna said.

  “Will all the contestants please come to the stage,” the moderator announced suddenly.

  “That’s your cue,” Julianna said.

  “Good luck, son,” his father said. He gave George a salute.

  “Straighten your bow tie,” his mother added.

  George saluted his dad. He straightened his tie. Then he walked up the steps to the stage and sat down on one of the metal chairs. It wasn’t very comfortable. It was hard and cold.

  Metal. M-e-t-a-l, George spelled. He smiled a little. Okay, he could handle this. After all, he was a good speller. And he’d been practicing a lot. It was going to be okay.

  “Okay, let’s have our spellers introduce themselves,” the moderator said.

  A small girl with long, red hair walked up to the microphone. “My name is S-a-r-a without an h,” she said. “Sara Lemmon from Pumpersnickety Elementary School.”

  Next, a short boy with curly hair walked up to the mic. “I’m Carlton Smith from Bandago Bay Elementary School.”

  Now it was George’s turn. He walked up to the microphone and said, “My name is George—”

  But before he could say his whole name, George felt something brewing in the pit of his stomach. Something bingy and bongy. Something t
hat pinged and ponged.

  Oh no! This was what George had been afraid of! This was his worst n-i-g-h-t-m-a-r-e!

  The super burp was back!

  George clapped his hand over his mouth. But this burp was strong. Already it had bing-bonged over George’s bladder and ping-ponged its way past his pancreas.That burp wanted out—bad. And his tighty whities were actually squeezing it right out of him!

  Darn tighty whities! From now on, George was wearing nothing but boxers. But that wasn’t gonna help right now! George’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. And that’s when he spotted Louie. He was looking right at George . . . and laughing.

  “See, I told you guys he was gonna freak out!” George heard Louie tell the other kids.

  George had to get out of there. He couldn’t let Louie be right. He couldn’t freak out in front of the whole auditorium.

  George leaped off the stage and ran for the door.

  “George, where are you going?” the moderator asked.

  But George didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He was afraid if he opened his mouth the burp would burst right out of him.

  Ping-pong. Bing-bong!

  George kept going, although his extra-tighty tighty whities made running hard. He threw the door of the community center open and raced outside. And then . . .

  A giant burp ripped right out of him. It was loud. It was strong. It was magic. And it was ba-a-ad!

  Alex, Julianna, and Chris came rushing outside to find George. Mrs. Kelly hurried out right after them.

  “George, we understand you’re nervous, but get back inside,” Mrs. Kelly said. “The spelling bee is starting any minute.”

  Just then, George’s eyes spotted a bed of red and yellow flowers in a garden near the playground. His feet started running toward them.

  “Dude! No!” Alex shouted. “Don’t go over there.”