MA10 Sweet Myth-tery of Life

by Robert Asprin

  That was a blatant lie, as tomorrow promised to be no more or less busy for me as any other day. I realized, however, that if I didn’t break things up, and our physical involvement grew, I’d have trouble convincing myself that the reason I had come to Bunny’s room was to apologize and thank her for her concern.

  For a mad moment, I thought she was going to protest my leaving. If she had, I’m not sure the strength of my resolve would have been sufficient to get me out the door.

  She started to say something, then stopped and drew a deep breath instead.

  “Good night, Skeeve,” she said finally, “Come and see me again sometime ... soon.”

  To say the least, there were many distracting thoughts dancing in my head as I made my way back to my room.

  Bunny had come on to me pretty strong when we first met, and I had backed her off. Having made such a big thing out of keeping our relationship on a professional basis, could I now reverse my stance without making a complete fool of myself? Would she let me? She seemed to still be interested, but then again I might simply be kidding myself.

  Then, too, there was the question of whether or not I had any right to be shopping around for a new relationship while I was still making up my mind on Queen Hemlock’s proposal. The night with Cassandra had been an adventure and a learning experience, but even I couldn’t kid myself that getting involved with Bunny would be a brief fling.

  What was it exactly that I wanted ... and from whom?

  Still lost in thought, I opened the door to my room ... and found a demon waiting for me.

  NOW, THOSE OF you who have been following my adventures are aware that there is nothing new about my finding a demon in my room. It’s not all that unusual these days, though I still have trouble from time to time getting used to it.

  Of course, some demon visitors are more welcome than others.

  This one was a cute little number. She had close cropped brown hair which framed a round face with big, wide-set almond shaped eyes, a pert little nose, and small, heart-shaped lips. She also had a generous number of curves in all the right places, which the harem outfit she was wearing showed off with distracting clarity. The only trouble was she was tiny. Not “small,” mind you ... tiny.

  The figure in front of me, delectable as it might be, was only about four inches high and floated in midair.

  “Hi!” the diminutive lady chirped in a musical voice. “You must be Skeeve. I’m Daphnie.”

  There was a time when I would have found the effect unsettling. Courtesy of my recent travels, however, I had seen it before.

  “Don’t tell me, let me guess,” I said in my most off-worldly, casual manner. “You’re a Djin. Right? From Djinger?”

  “Well ... a Djeanie, actually. But if we’re going to be friends, no wise cracks about the Djeanie with the light brown hair. Okay?”

  I stared at her for a moment, waiting her to provide the rest of what was obviously supposed to be a joke. Instead of continuing, though, she simply looked back at me expectantly.

  “Okay,” I agreed finally. “That shouldn’t be hard.”

  She peered at me for a moment longer, and then shook her head.

  “You must be the only one in the known dimensions who doesn’t know that song,” she said. “Are you sure you’re Skeeve? The Great Skeeve?”

  “Well ... yes. Do we know each other?”

  Realizing how stupid the question was, I hastened to modify it before she could answer.

  “No. I’m sure I would have remembered if we had met before.”

  For some reason, my clumsy recovery seemed to please her.

  “That’s sweet,” she said, floating forward to run a soft hand along my cheek, light as a butterfly’s touch. “No. I haven’t had the pleasure. We have a mutual acquaintance, though. Do you remember a Djin named Kalvin?”

  “Kalvin? Sure. He gave me a hand a while back when I was on Perv.”

  “On Perv, eh?” she said, looking lost in thought for a moment, but then she brightened. “Well he mentioned you and said that if I was ever out this way, I should drop in and say ‘Hi’ for him.”

  “Really? That’s nice of him ... I mean, you.”

  I was pleasantly surprised by Kalvin’s thoughtfulness. I don’t get many social visitors from off world, mostly just those who are looking for help on one thing or another. It also occurred to me that I had never thought of dropping in to pay social calls to any of the various people I had met on my many adventures, and made a mental note to correct that situation.

  “So, how’s Kalvin doing? Is he fitting back into life on Djinger okay after being gone so long?”

  “Oh. He’s okay,” the Djeanie said shrugging her shoulders ... which had an interesting effect on a shapely body in a harem outfit. “You know how it is. It always takes a while to get back in stride after a sabbatical.”

  “Say ...if we’re going to be talking for a while, would you mind enlarging to my size? It would make conversation easier.”

  To be honest with you, after having watched what happened when she shrugged her shoulders, I was interested in seeing her body on a larger scale. If nothing else, it would get rid of the uncomfortable feeling that I was getting physically interested in a talking doll.

  “No problem,” she said, and waved her arms.

  The air rippled and shimmered, and she was standing in front of me at my size. Well, actually, a little less than a head shorter than me, this placed me in the tantalizing position of looking down on her.

  “Say, is this a monastery or something?”

  “What? Oh. No, this is the Royal Palace of Possiltum.” I said. “Why? Do I look like a monk?”

  That was, of course, supposed to be a trick question. I was really rather proud of my wardrobe these days, and any monk who dressed the way I did was way out of line with his vows of poverty.

  “Not really,” she admitted. “But you seem to be showing an awful lot of interest in my cleavage for someone who’s supposed to be as well traveled as the Great Skeeve. Don’t they have women on this dimension?”

  I guess I had been staring a bit, but hadn’t expected her to notice ... or, if she did, to comment on it. However if there’s one thing my years with Aahz have taught me, it’s how to cover my shortcomings with words.

  “Yes, we have women here,” I said with an easy smile. “Frankly, though, I think your cleavage would be stared at no matter what dimension you visited.”

  She dimpled and preened visibly.

  “As starable as it is, however,” I continued casually, my actual interest was professional. Aside from Kalvin, you’re the only native of Djinger that I’ve met, and I was wondering if that stunt you do changing size is a disguise spell, or if it’s true shape shifting.”

  Not bad for a quick out from an embarrassing situation, if I do say so myself. Anyway, Daphnie seemed to accept it.

  “Oh that,” she said, shrugging her shoulders again. This time, however, I managed to maintain eye contact. No sense pushing my luck. “It’s the real thing ... shape shifting, that is. It’s one of the first things a Djin ... or, especially a Djeanie ... has to learn. When your whole dimension is the wish biz, you’ve got to be able to cater to all kinds of fantasies.”

  My mind went a little out of focus for a moment as it darted across several unprintable fantasies I could think of involving Daphnie, but she was still going.

  “It’s not just size either ... well, height, I mean. We can shift to any proportions necessary for the local pin-up standards. Check this out.”

  With that, she proceeded to treat me to one of the most impressive arrays of female bodies I’ve ever seen ... except they were all her! In quick succession, she became willowy, then buxom, then long-legged, while at the same time changing her hair length and color, as well as changing her complexion from delicately pale to a darker hue than her no
rmal cinnamon hue. I decided then and there that where ever this Pinup dimension was, I should make a point of dropping in for a visit ... soon.

  My other reaction was far less predictable. Maybe it was because I had been thinking so much about women and marriage lately, but, while watching her demonstrating her shape shifting skills, it popped into my head that she would be an interesting wife. I mean, think of it: a woman who could assume any size, shape, or personality at will! It would certainly ease the fears of being bored living with one woman for the rest of your life.

  “Very impressive,” I said, forcing my previous train of thought to a halt. “Tell me, have you ever considered a career in modeling?”

  Daphnie’s eyes narrowed for a moment, and then her face relaxed again.

  “I’ll assume that was meant as a compliment. Right?” she said.

  That one had me really confused.

  “Of course,” I said. “Why? Isn’t it?”

  “I’m so attractive; I could make a living at it. Is that what you were thinking?”

  “Well ... Yes. Even though when you put it that way, it does sound a little dubious.”

  “You don’t know the half of it,” the Djeanie said, rolling her eyes.

  “Look, Skeeve. I tried that game once ... and you’re right, I can do it and there’s good money in it. It’s what goes with it that’s a pain.”

  “I don’t understand,” I admitted.

  “First of all, even though the job may look glamourous from the outside, it isn’t. It’s long hours in uncomfortable conditions, you know? I mean, it’s fun for most people to go to the beach, but try sitting in the same spot for six hours while waves break over you so the jerk photographer can get ‘just the right look and lighting’ ... and even then more often than not they don’t use the shot.”

  I nodded sympathetically, all the while wondering what a photographer was and why she would hold still while he shot at her.

  “Then again folks think there’s a lot of status attached to being a model.” she continued. “There’s about as much status as being a side of beef on a butcher’s block. You may be the center of attention, but to the people working with you, you’re just so many pounds of meat to be positioned and marketed. Now mind you, I like having my body touched as much as the next woman, but I like to think that while it’s going on, whoever’s doing it is thinking of me. The way it is, it’s like you’re a mannequin or a puppet being maneuvered for effect.”

  “Uh huh,” I said, thinking that if I ever got a chance to touch her body, I’d certainly be keeping my mind on her in the process.

  “Of course, there’s always the job of keeping the equipment in shape. Most women feel they’d look better if they lost a couple pounds or firmed up the muscle tone ... and they even work at it occasionally. Well, let me tell you, when your livelihood depends on your looks, keeping the bod in shape is more than a leisure time hobby. It’s a full time project. Your whole life is centered around diets and exercise, not to mention maintaining your complexion and hair. Sure, I have an advantage because I can shape shift, but believe me, the less you have to do magikally, the less strain you put on the system and the longer the machine lasts.”

  “Which brings up another point: Whatever you do to maintain your looks, it’s a losing fight with time. Djeanies may have a longer life span than some of the women from other dimensions, but eventually age catches up with everyone. Strategic features that once used to catch the eye start to droop and sag, the skin on the neck and hands starts to look more and more like wet tissue paper, and faster than you can say ‘old crone,’ you’re back out the door and they’ve replaced you from the bottomless pool of young hopefuls. Terrific, huh?”

  That one made me think a bit. One thing about being a magician was that age wasn’t a prime factor. Heck, for a while when I was starting out, I used my disguise spell to make myself look older because no one would believe that a young magician would be any good. The idea of losing one’s job simply because one had grown older was a terrifying concept. I found myself being glad that most jobs didn’t have the age restrictions that modeling seemed to.

  “Then, just to top things off,” the Djeanie said, “there’s the minor detail of how people treat you. Most men are intimidated by your looks and won’t come near you on a bet. They’ll stare and drool, and maybe fantasize a little, but they won’t try to date you. Unless they have stellar looks themselves or an ironclad ego, they’re afraid of creating a ‘Beauty and the Beast’ comparison. The ones who do come on to you usually have a specific scenario in mind ... and that doesn’t involve you either talking or thinking at all. They want an ornament, and if there’s actually a person inside that glamourous package, they’re not only surprised, they’re a little annoyed.”

  She sighed and shook her head.

  “Sorry to ramble like that, but it’s a pet peeve of mine. When you stop to think about it, it’s a little sad to think of women who feel that all they have to offer the world is their looks. Personally, I like to think I have more to offer than that.”

  Taking a deep breath, she blew it all out noisily, then smiled and cocked her head at me.

  “Um ... How about if I just say that I think you look fantastic, and forget about speculating on your potential as a model?” I said cautiously.

  “Then I’d say ‘Thank you kind sir’. You aren’t so bad looking yourself.”

  She smiled and made a small curtsey. I successfully resisted an impulse to bow back to her.

  Mostly, I was trying to think of what we could talk about next, having exhausted the subject of beauty.

  “So, how do you know Kalvin?” Daphnie said, solving the problem for me. “He made it sound like the two of you were old buddies.”

  Now we were back on familiar footing.

  “Actually, I bought him over at the Bazaar at Deva. Well ... to be accurate, I bought his bottle. I only was entitled to one wish from him ... but I don’t need to explain that to you. You probably know the drill better than I do. I didn’t get to know him until a couple years later when I got around to opening the bottle.”

  “I don’t understand,” she said, frowning prettily. “Why did you buy his bottle if you weren’t going to use it for several years?”

  “Why I bought it in the first place is a long story,” I said, rolling my eyes comically. “As to why I didn’t use it for so long, I’m part of a fairly impressive team of magik users ... the head of it, actually. We do a pretty good job of handling most problems that come up on our own without calling on outside help.”

  Okay. So I was blowing my own trumpet a bit. Even though I didn’t know if anything would ever develop between us, she was cute enough that I figured that it couldn’t hurt to impress her a little.

  “So he was with you the whole time? From when you purchased his bottle until his discharged his duty on Perv? When was that, exactly?”

  She didn’t seem very impressed. If anything, it was as if she was more interested in asking questions about Kalvin than in learning about me, a situation I found slightly annoying.

  “Oh, it wasn’t all that long ago,” I said. “Just a couple weeks back, in fact. Of course, time doesn’t advance at the same rate on all the dimensions ... as I’m sure you know”

  “True,” she said, thoughtfully. “Tell me, did he say he was going straight back to Djinger? Or was he going to stop somewhere along the way, first?”

  “Let me think. As I recall, he didn’t ... Wait a minute. Didn’t he make it back to Djinger? I thought you said that he was the one who told you to look me up.”

  I was both concerned and confused. If Daphnie was looking for Kalvin, then how had she found out about me? I didn’t know any other Djins ... or anyone who traveled to Djinger on a regular basis.

  “Oh, he made it back all right,” she shrugged. “I was just a little curious about ...”

 
There was a soft BAMPF, and a second Djin materialized in the room. This one I recognized immediately as Kalvin, who I had just been speaking to Daphnie about. I could tell at a glance, though, that something was wrong

  I HAD GOTTEN to know Kalvin pretty well during my trip to Perv, and all through that adventure he had been as unshakable in a crisis as anyone I had ever known. Now, however, he was exhibiting all the classic symptoms of someone who was about to lose control of his temper ... clenched teeth, furrowed brow, tight expression, the works.

  Fortunately, his anger seemed to be directed at my guest rather than at me.

  “I should have known!” he snarled, without so much as a nod to acknowledge my presence. “I should have checked here first as soon as I found out you were gone.”

  It occurred to me that, as little as I knew about Djins, that it could be markedly unhealthy to have one upset with you. Realizing that magik, like a knife, could be used both benevolently and destructively; my first instinct probably would have been to try to calm him down quickly ... or to vacate the premises.

  To my surprise, however, the Djeanie spun around and leveled what seemed to be an equal amount of anger back at him.

  “Oh, I see,” she spat back. “It’s all right for you to disappear for years at a time, but as soon as I step out the door, you’ve got to come looking for me!”

  The interest I had been feeling in Daphnie came to a screeching halt. In the space of a few seconds her personality had changed from a flirtatious coquette to a shrill shrew. Then, too, there seemed to be more to her relationship with Kalvin than the “acquaintance” she had billed it as.

  “That was business,” the Djin was saying, still nose to nose with my visitor. “You know, the stuff that puts food on the table for our whole dimension? Besides, if you were just going out to kick up your heels a bit I wouldn’t care. What I DO mind is your sneaking off to check up on me.”

  “So what? It shouldn’t bother you ... unless you haven’t been telling me everything, that is.”