I swallowed hard. Heat flushed through my body, warming me up as my heart pounded heavily against my ribcage. Every time I heard him say it, it caused such a strong reaction in me. I wished desperately that I could—
I shook my head and tried to focus. I came here with a purpose. My decision was made and it wasn’t for Logan, no matter how much he seemed to care about me.
“I know,” I whispered quietly, doing my best to be firm but kind. I’d already tried hurting him—or at least, inadvertently hurting him and then using that hurt—to push him away, and that hadn’t worked out so well. I didn’t want to cause him pain, I just needed him to understand. “And I… I have strong feelings for you, too.” I couldn’t make myself say love. Whatever I felt for Logan, I wasn’t convinced yet that it was love.
He took a step closer to me, the hope returning to his eyes.
I put my hands out in front of me to stop him before he got too close. “But that doesn’t make us right together,” I told him as gently as I could. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to contradict me or tell me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, but I pushed forward quickly before he got the chance. “I’m a different person than I used to be, Logan. Or at least I’m trying to be. It’s important that I am, because the person I was…” I hesitated. I didn’t want to say it, but I had to. “She wasn’t a very good person. She got people hurt because she was reckless and dumb and didn’t care about anyone but herself. And you bring her back to the surface. I can’t seem to push her back down when you’re around, and I need to.”
“Addy,” Logan said, his voice sounding smooth and soothing. “What are you talking about? You’re an amazing person. I can’t imagine you hurting anyone, not intentionally.”
I shook my head. “But I did hurt someone. I hurt them very much and—” I couldn’t say that I’d killed Beck. That was too much right now. The wound was too raw and though I needed him to understand, I couldn’t reach that point. “I just can’t go back to being like that. And unfortunately, that’s who I want to be when I’m around you.”
Logan shook his head, frowning and clearly upset at what I was telling him. He didn’t look like he was very happy with what I was saying and seemed determined to argue against me. He wanted to talk me out of my decision—but I knew he couldn’t.
I was right. We weren’t good for each other. We brought out the worst traits, didn’t we? Maybe I hadn’t brought them out in Logan yet, but I would, once the old me resurfaced and I became that same dangerous, reckless girl again. It was inevitable and I couldn’t let it happen.
I was doing this for both our sakes, right?
“You were the one who told me that we’re not destined to repeat the past, aren’t you?” he countered and I thought I could hear a little bit of desperation in his voice.
I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. I said that I didn’t think you were destined for violence,” I explained, crossing my arms over my chest, tempted to look away, but unable to tear my eyes away from that stormy gaze of his. “You won’t be your father. I know you won’t. You aren’t. I know it, because I’ve seen how you are. You protect people, you don’t hurt them. But me?”
I finally closed my eyes. A lump formed in my throat, and I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to swallow past it. “I’m the problem. Not because of my mom or because of some other influence. I was the bad influence. I always have been.”
Logan stepped closer to me. I could feel him near me, so close that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, but I still refused to open my eyes. “Okay, fine then,” he said, his voice strong and determined. “I’m saying that we’re not destined to repeat the past. So you made some mistakes.”
I winced. Mistakes? I’d gotten someone killed. That wasn’t a mistake—that might as well have been murder.
“That doesn’t mean that you’re going to make them again,” he told me, his hands reaching out to grab my upper arms. He held me tightly, but not so tight that it hurt. His grip was firm and reassuring and it left me with the urge to fall against his chest. I just wanted to be wrapped up in his embrace and stop fighting everything that had been going on.
Was it really so wrong to want to be with him? To want to be me?
I remembered Beck and I in the water that night and I knew the answer. I couldn’t go back.
Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to step back and when I was firmly out of his grip and his reach, I finally opened my eyes. I could see the need in them, see the desire, but I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t risk it.
“I’m sorry, Logan,” I told him softly, shaking my head. “I have feelings for you, I do. And I wish I didn’t have to fight them so hard.” He looked ready to say something, but before I let him, I held up a hand and shook my head. “No, listen. I wish I didn’t have to, but I do. The way I’m not going to repeat the past is by making different decisions than the old me would have. And the old me… she would have fallen in love with you. Which means I can’t. I just can’t, Logan.”
He looked hurt. His shoulders were slumped and his arms hung limply at his sides. He stared at me with dark pools of blue, but it was a dull, dark blue, no longer the swirling mix of colors I always loved so much.
“Because I’m trouble, right?” he finally said.
I think it was supposed to come out as angry and biting, but even his tone had lost its intensity. Instead, he seemed defeated and sad. I wished I could do something to change that, and for a moment, I wondered if there would be any way that the two of us could be together. Two wrongs making a right?
But I just didn’t think so. It was impossible to ask the universe to grant me this favor.
I offered him a sad smile, because it was the only thing I could offer him. “You know that you’re not the problem here,” I told him softly. Giving him a smile that was sadder than I meant it to be, I said, “Never be afraid of who you are, Logan. Because you are a kinder, gentler person than you give yourself credit for and you will never be your father.”
I took a risk, but it was one I could not resist. If this was the last time we would ever be together, if I really was giving him up now, then I had to say good bye. For real this time. Stepping closer to him once more, I cupped his face in my hands and leaned up to place a soft, gentle kiss on his lips.
It was goodbye for me and I could feel it in my chest as my heart twisted around uncomfortably. Maybe it was even breaking.
Before I could step away, though, his hands went to my waist and he held me there firmly. He kissed me this time and it was not soft or bare, but demanding. This wasn’t a goodbye kiss. This kiss was a promise of more to come, an acknowledgment of the passion that lay within us both.
“I won’t let you go,” he said to me. He shook his head. “I can’t now.”
I bit my lip. I understood now what he was trying to tell me, what he was feeling inside, but I couldn’t change things. I still believed that this was for the best—for both of us. So I offered him a sad smile and a shake of my head, then I backed up out of his arms.
“We can’t, Logan,” I told him and this time I forced myself to walk away.
Chapter 8
Kass invited me to go with her to a party that night. It had been a few weeks since my most recent talk with Logan, and I hadn’t heard from him since despite his determination that he wouldn’t give up. I was starting to feel a little better, like things were finally settled between us.
Derek and I had gone out on a few more dates, sometimes for coffee and three or four times to dinner. It was nice and simple between us. I enjoyed Derek’s company and I liked talking about school and his plans for the future, his family and the kind of music we liked. Things were progressing pretty evenly now. We’d kissed more than a few times and ended up making out. I wasn’t ready to take the next step with him or anything, but I liked the way he felt against my body and I knew that if things continued the way they had been, we’d cross that barrier pretty soon.
With my
romantic troubles sorted out for the most part, I was feeling more like my usual self. I began to focus on school again, putting more effort into studying and paper writing. I hadn’t let myself slip too much, but I’d spent a lot of time being preoccupied with other things lately and that wasn’t good for me.
So when Kass asked me to go with her to the party tonight, I had to decline. I’d finally found my school groove again and I couldn’t give that up now. Things were settled and comfortable and I felt better than I had in a while.
I’d told her that if she needed me for anything that I was only a call or text message away. I’d have my phone on all night, since I’d be up late studying anyway, and Derek and I liked to text through the night on weekends.
Kass promised she’d be careful and that she’d call if she needed anything. Neither of us expected that she’d need to call me, though. She was going with the twins and they’d take good care of her. Plus, she was going with James, like a date, so the chances of anything bad happening were slim. There were enough people that would be looking out for her, that even if she got completely plowed, it was unlikely that anything really terrible might happen.
Besides a raging headache and hangover the following morning.
I was working on my English Lit assignment that night. Kass said she’d do it the next day, but I wanted it out of the way. It was so boring that I was worried that if I put it off, I’d leave it to the last minute and never get it done.
We were supposed to write a ten page paper researching Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew and why it was still relevant in today’s society. I was focusing on how often it was recycled and made into modern day movies and books. I had a whole list of examples and was breaking down the key elements of each of them, explaining why they were important for their specific time. The idea was that my conclusion would explain how The Taming of the Shrew was timeless, because of human psychology and the oppressive nature of social constructions, which tended to be patriarchal.
It was so boring that I was worried I was going to fall asleep writing it. I couldn’t even imagine having to read through it. It made me pretty thankful that Derek was texting me often. It helped to keep me awake.
My phone beeped at me and I opened it to see a new message from him.
How about we grab a bite to eat and then go see that new movie.
Smiling, I replied quickly.
The one about the girl who loses her dog or that one with all the guns and the mazes?
I got through the rest of the page on my essay before he texted back.
The gun one, duh. What guy wants to watch a movie about a girl losing a dog?
I laughed out loud and shook my head. I could imagine his slightly offended, deliberately haughty expression and tone of voice in his response. I sent a quick reply, telling him that I’d rather watch the dog one, but that we could talk about it later since I really wanted to get my paper done tonight, then got back to my paper.
His text back to me was little more than a smiley face. For the next hour or two, it was silent. I was in school mode now, focusing on getting my paper written so I didn’t have to worry about it anymore and could finally get it taken care of. No more feeling like I was falling asleep. Once I reached the last leg of any project like this, I always got my second wind.
It was the knowledge that it was finally over.
So when I got another beeping from my phone letting me know I’d gotten a message, I let out a frustrated sound.
“Damnit, Derek!” I said to the phone, my voice clearly annoyed. “I said I have stuff to get finished!”
Annoyed, I opened the message—but it wasn’t from Derek. It was from Kass. Not sure if you need to see this, but bad stuff’s happening.
Frowning, I was about to ask what was going on when I got another message. It was a picture this time. There was a crowd, a party full of college students. Most of them looked pretty wasted, dancing drunkenly together, some even standing on the table.
In fact, the girl standing on the table I recognized. She was tipping back what looked like a half empty fifth of something. Her clothing was in disarray, her makeup smeared and her hair wild.
It was Miranda.
Below the picture, the message said, Lexie’s been feeding her alcohol for the last two hours. Not sure if you wanted to do something…
I shoved my phone into my pocket, put on my shoes and grabbed my coat. I didn’t care if I looked like a mess, if my hair wasn’t straightened and my clothing was plain Jane. I needed to leave. Now.
“Damn straight I’m going to do something.”
Chapter 9
I went to the party, determined. The memory of Beck and our conversation about protecting Miranda surfaced again. I couldn’t leave her to this crazy lifestyle that she’d chosen. Before, I’d decided that I was the wrong person to tell her no. That it wasn’t my business to interfere in her life after I’d been the one to wreck it, but wasn’t I exactly the one to be lecturing her?
Not because I was older and wiser or because I made a promise to her sister all those years ago. I was the perfect one to tell her because I’d been exactly where she was now. It’d been reckless and foolish and stupid and I’d nearly messed up my whole future. But worse than that, I had messed up Beck’s future. She would never get to college, never get married, never have kids and it was all because of me.
Because I’d been doing the same stupid shit that Miranda was doing now.
Didn’t that make me the person who should be talking to her about this? Sure, maybe she still wouldn’t listen, but I couldn’t just sit by and ignore her while she was flushing her life down the toilet. I had to do something.
I took the bus to the party, because it was far enough away that it would take me far too long to walk. I didn’t want to give Miranda any more time to do something stupid. I waited at the bus stop for about five minutes before it came. This was a pretty frequently used route, so it stopped often and I lucked out enough that it came pretty close after I’d gotten there.
I paid the fare and took my seat near the middle. I knew the bus would get me there faster, but I hated riding. Part of that was because there were so many weird, often scary, people on the bus. Everyone from crazy people who talked to themselves to druggies and drug dealers. Not exactly people I wanted to associate with.
Now, though, I didn’t want to be on the bus because I was impatient. I needed to get to that party, fast. Which I knew was why I was on the bus in the first place, but the fact that I was sitting here instead of doing anything was driving me nuts.
At least walking I felt like I was being productive.
I focused on the windows to try and keep calm. Anything to try and take my mind off of Miranda on that table, drinking her life away. What was she even thinking? How had things gotten this far?
Part of my reaction was due to the fact that this wasn’t the first time I’d gotten a picture or a text or even seen it for myself about Miranda doing crazy stuff. Since getting here, she’d become this wild child that no one back home would have recognized. No one really worried about it here, because it was a normal college freshman reaction. No parents, no guardians. Kids went crazy, they let loose in ways they were never able to before.
But I knew better. I knew that this wasn’t Miranda and after this last picture, it was the last straw. I couldn’t let her keep doing this to herself.
I watched as street lamp after street lamp passed by. There weren’t a lot of people on the bus at this time of night. It was late and other than a few late night students and graveyard shift employees, the bus was empty.
When it came to a stop on the corner of sixth, I got off the bus. It wasn’t right outside the house where the party was, but it was close. The house was just a block down the street according to the address that Kass gave me. I walked in that direction, moving quickly. It was cold outside. Colder than it had been. We even got snow last week, though it didn’t stick to the ground for more than a day or two.
I was grateful for the skinny jeans and the long sleeved shirt I worse tonight. That and the jacket were enough to keep me tolerably warm, though the cold was still definitely biting at me. My cheeks and nose felt it especially and I knew that if I looked in a mirror, I’d see that they were a bright, raw, rosy red color.
I walked quickly both to get there as soon as I could, but also because I wanted to stay warm amidst the cool night air. Since I hadn’t planned on going to the party, my hair was down and not straightened. It was wild and swirled about my face. At least it kept my neck warm.
I wasn’t sure which house it was until I got closer. Then I could easily spot it even without the address on my phone right in front of me. It was lit up brighter than its neighboring houses and there was music coming from it that was so loud, I was surprised the cops weren’t already there.
“Yep, definitely the right place,” I muttered to myself.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself to go in there. I stomped up the steps and tried knocking on the door. No one answered, likely because no one could hear me over the booming of the music coming from inside.
I knocked once more and waited for a moment, but when still no one answered, I just opened the door. It was unlocked and I pushed it open easily. The house was filled with partying college students and I knew I was in the right place.
And I couldn’t help but think of how eerily similar this all was to my first college party…
We were just high schoolers but I’d been hanging around with this girl who was a few years older than us and she got us an invite. Well, not an invite per se, but she said we could come with her. And by we, I mean she said I could come.
Wrecked Book 4 Page 5
