Instinct was to move on and get the hell away from her, but I didn’t really want to do that, because it meant that I was going to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want her to know I was there, so I held my ground.
“Can you believe her?” I heard Lexie’s voice say in a deliberately bitchy, judgmental tone. “I mean, talk about no class.”
I frowned. I wasn’t interested in overhearing her conversation. Eavesdropping was not my thing and neither was gossip. I’d listened to gossip when it came to Logan and discovered pretty quickly that it was all wrong. But I couldn’t help hearing her if I didn’t move, and I still didn’t want to draw any attention to myself, so I tried my best to just tune her out instead.
Green or red? I thought, trying to distract myself by examining my apples.
It didn’t work, because the next voice I heard made my heart plummet down into my stomach.
“No surprise there.” It was Miranda, sounding just as condescending as Lexie did. “I knew her a while back, and she was a total tramp then, too.”
I frowned as I began to realize who it was they were talking about…
“Guess you can’t teach an old bitch new tricks,” Lexie commented viciously.
Anger began to swell inside me. How dare she talk about me like that? I felt like turning around and giving her a good, solid piece of my mind. Maybe throwing that lack of class comment right back at her—after all, she’s the one who’s flirted with every guy she came across and slept with at least half of them.
But Miranda’s next words stopped my anger cold.
“The only thing she’s learned how to do is lie better than before.”
My shoulders slumped and I dropped the apples down. I didn’t need them anymore. In fact, I put my whole basket down and turned to face Lexie and Miranda. They were both looking right at me, their smiles made of daggers and their eyes sharp like rusted nails.
They’d known I was there all along. Maybe that was even why they’d decided to talk to me. Their mutual hatred of me had brought them together and now I had to deal with two enemies determined to make sure everyone knew just what kind of a skank I was.
And the worst part was, I was pretty sure they were right. I was a bitch. I was messing around with Logan while I was trying to make something with Derek and it didn’t matter that I didn’t want to hurt either of them. Fact was, I was lying. Even if it was only by omission. Worse still than that was that I was lying to everyone. I was pretending to be this classy girl, this good girl, when inside I knew I was just born for trouble.
Pretending I was one thing didn’t change the fact that I was another.
I looked at the girls once more, then turned away and left the fresh produce section as quickly as I could. I didn’t bother with getting food or anything. I just left as quickly as I could, almost running out the automatic doors and down the street towards home.
Retracing my steps, I made it across the street, not even bothering to check the street signs or check either way before darting across. I heard horns honking at me, but didn’t pay any attention to them. I kept going, my speed picking up until I was running the rest of the way home.
Emotions swirled through me and all I wanted was to get to my room and pretend that the rest of the world didn’t even exist.
I reached the house out of breath, wheezing and coughing. Yanking open the door, I darted into the hallway and let the door slam behind me. I headed towards the stairs, eager to go to my room, but Kass was in the kitchen and when she saw me come in, she said, “Hey, Addy, where are the groceries?”
I froze and for a moment I didn’t know what to tell her. I didn’t want to rehash what had happened at the store. It still hurt and I didn’t have any defense for myself… I was pretty sure they were right in what they were saying, which made me feel terrible. There was nothing anyone could say to change that.
“What’s wrong?” Kass’s face had shifted to one of concern and she rushed over towards me. “What happened?”
I didn’t know what my face looked like, but based on how concerned Kass suddenly looked, I knew it was bad. Doing my best to pull myself together, I took a deep breath and shook my head. “I just forgot my card,” I lied quickly. “We aren’t going to starve if I don’t go now… and I—I have some studying to do.”
And before Kass could say anything or call me out on my blatant lie, I rushed up the stairs towards my room. I slammed the door closed behind me and locked it. Then I leaned back against it, slumping down to the floor as I finally accepted that I was crying.
Chapter 6
For the rest of that day, I couldn’t get Miranda out of my mind. It wasn’t just the conversation she’d had with Lexie that was throwing me off, either. It was the fact that she was with Lexie at all. What was she thinking? That girl was so obviously trouble…
I tried to push both of the girls out of my mind, but it was impossible. I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling trying to think of anything else, but I couldn’t. All I could think about was the Miranda I knew from so long ago. That little girl who used to follow Beck around everywhere. The one who always begged to join in and was so sweet, so innocent.
Where had that girl gone?
And as soon as the question flitted through my brain, I knew the answer. It was my fault. I’d caused her whole world to come flying apart and the result was this new, bitter, angry girl who was making the kind of stupid mistakes that were the ones I’d been making years ago.
I thought that maybe I wasn’t the one who should be judging her in the first place—and it was none of my business, right?
But I couldn’t help but remember Beck as I laid on my back staring at the blank ceiling above me.
“Get out, Miranda!” Beck yelled at her little sister.
Miranda was only thirteen and her favorite pastime seemed to be spying on us. She had been lingering in the doorway for who knew how long now, watching us as we dressed up and put on make-up, blaring the music while Beck’s parents were out.
At the sound of Beck’s scolding, though, she bolted from the doorway. We could hear her tramping down the stairs quickly.
“I hate it when she does that,” Beck told me, making a frustrated sound.
I waved off her concerns, painting on a bright red color on my lips. “She’s a kid. It’s annoying, but no biggie. She runs as soon as we catch her. It’s not like she asks to join or anything.”
I glanced over at Beck, but she was still frowning. She still hadn’t finished her make-up yet, but instead of picking up the mascara, she just sat there staring at the tube that sat on the counter.
Letting out a frustrated sigh, I turned to her. “What’s the problem? So what if she snoops sometimes?”
Beck looked at me, and I realized that she was really worried. Not just annoyed at her little sister for being all up in her business or worried that she was going to tell on us or something. There was something else that was bugging her.
“I just worry, you know?”
No, I definitely didn’t know. “Um, not really,” I told her honestly, putting the tube of lipstick down on the counter and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “Care to elaborate?”
She lifted her shoulders uncertainly in a small shrug. “I don’t know,” she began, second guessing herself. “It just seems like she’s so young. She’s just a kid and we’re…” She gestured around us at the clothing scattered all over the place and the makeup that littered the counter.
There were a dozen different shades of lip gloss and lipstick and at least four different tubes of mascara, not to mention the huge palettes of eye shadows. The clothing was a mixture of dresses and skirts and low cut shirts. Not to mention the underwear.
We’d gotten Visa gift cards for Christmas that year, and we’d waited until the Victoria’s Secret sale came around and went absolutely crazy. We got all kinds of bras and panties that there was no way our parents would ever have let us get. We’d taken full advantage of the fact that the Visa car
ds could be used just about anywhere.
Frowning, I shook my head. “I still don’t see the problem.”
Maybe it was because I didn’t have a little sister and my mom was always working late that it took me so long to see where Beck was coming from, but I honestly didn’t know. To me, all of that stuff littered all over the place just seemed like fun, but to her it meant something else.
“I just mean that we’re a lot older than her,” Beck tried again, finally picking up a tube of mascara and applying it liberally. We’d both gotten fake IDs and were going to use them tonight to try and get into a bar. Beck’s parents had promised that if we watched Miranda while they were out, she could stay at my place that night. And seeing as how my mother was always working the late shift, it was the perfect opportunity to try out our new IDs.
My name had been Rosy.
“We’re not that much older than her,” I pointed out to Beck, picking up a lacy thong that I’d tried out, but decided was a little too uncomfortable. Besides, what was the point if no one was going to see it? “I mean, we’re only a couple of years ahead of her.”
She nodded her head. “Yeah, but a couple of years makes a huge difference, don’t you think? I mean, she’s still playing with Barbies and stuffed animals. We’re shopping at Victoria’s Secret.”
Okay, granted, we were doing that against our parent’s will (we assumed, since we hadn’t mentioned it to them at all), but no one questioned it when we went in there and bought thongs.
“Okay,” I said slowly, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “So you don’t want her exposed to lacy panties yet?” My tone was teasing and I tossed the thong I’d been looking at right at her face.
She batted it away, but it still hit her. She laughed and then grabbed it, flinging it back at me. I dodged by rolling off the bed and going to the other side to hide from any other potential attacks.
“Alright, alright,” she said, rolling her eyes a little bit. She was smiling and seemed like she was in a much lighter mood than she had been moments before. “I’m being overdramatic.”
I propped my chin on the edge of the bed, folding my arms across the comforter. Grinning at her, I raised an eyebrow. “Ya think?”
She threw a bra at me.
I ducked.
“I just don’t want her to get mixed up with the wrong stuff, you know?” she said finally, still looking like she was in a much better mood, but slightly worried about Miranda still.
I let out a sigh and got up. I went to sit next to her, planting myself on the edge of the counter causing several makeup items to scatter off the counter to the floor. I put my arms around her and smiled. “I’ll make you a deal,” I told her. “If you stop worrying about her, I promise that I will keep an eye out for her. Make sure she hangs out with the right people.”
She thanked me, grateful and put at ease. Then we proceeded to go to the bars that night and I didn’t even consider what it was that she was really worried about.
The memory stung me as I lay on my bed now. I had no idea what it was that Beck had been so worried about, not really. I didn’t understand what she already knew, even so early back then. That we were getting into trouble. That we were always doing reckless things—that I was doing reckless things.
I’d promised to take care of Miranda, but I hadn’t really understood what that meant. Now that I was here in college with Miranda hanging out with Lexie, well, I understood what she’d been so worried about. Lexie was trouble.
The problem was, now I wasn’t in any position to keep an eye out for anyone. I couldn’t even seem to keep myself out of trouble, how was I supposed to look out for anyone else?
“Okay,” I said aloud to myself. “One problem at a time.”
I considered what it was that were my biggest problems. Miranda and Lexie, but I couldn’t really do anything about that. Lexie had it in for me and Miranda was watching and waiting for me to fail. Chances were, neither of them were going to listen to reason regardless of whether or not I had a good or fair point.
So, problem number two. Logan and Derek. I had to choose between them, and I’d already done that, right? But it didn’t look like that was going to be enough. Choosing Derek was the smart choice in the sense that he was practical, with a future ahead of him and the even kind of temperament that was going to keep me from getting into trouble.
But I was so attracted to Logan. I wanted him. And I didn’t know what to do with that.
So then, the problem was Logan—and more importantly, me. What was I going to do about that?
Taking a deep breath, I reached over to my phone which sat on my bedside table. It was still off. I hadn’t been willing to turn it off since I’d seen that first text this morning from Logan, not even when Derek told me that he was going to text me.
I turned it on now, though, and once it started up, I went to my messages. I had six new ones, including the one I’d seen that morning.
Give me a chance.
Don’t do this, please.
Addy, I love you.
I can make this work. Give me a chance to prove I’m not a fuck up.
Addy, please.
Addy, I’m not giving up on you.
Biting my lip, I wondered how I was ever going to get him to let me go.
Chapter 7
I had to find Logan. Things were unsettled between us and I wasn’t sure what to do about that. I had feelings for him - I couldn’t deny that no matter how much I wanted to - but fact of the matter was I couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault, but he was the kind of person that would bring out the worst in me. Derek was the kind of man that was going to make me a better person, and that was the point, wasn’t it?
This wasn’t just about proving to Miranda that I’d changed and become a better person anymore. This was about being a better person, and I didn’t think I could do that with Logan.
I texted him back, finally, after all of the texts he’d been sending me over the last few days. It wasn’t detailed, but simple instead. I asked him to meet me, just as he’d asked me. I didn’t want to lead him on by telling him that this was his chance, but I needed him to show up, too, because I knew that this was the only way I was ever going to convince him that we weren’t good for each other.
If I could just explain things to him…
I shuddered, and it wasn’t from the cold. The thought of reliving my memories of high school, and of Beck, yet again, was awful. It made my stomach twist into terrible knots. I’d just had this conversation with Kass and now I was going to have to have it again with Logan. It was the only way to make him understand why I couldn’t be with him, but that didn’t mean I was looking forward to it.
It anything, it made me dread the meeting even more.
Logan had texted me back quickly, agreeing to meet up with me in the quad.
I left my house quietly, making sure that no one was around to see me go or to ask me any questions about what I was doing. It felt a lot like old times, sneaking out of the house and making sure that mom wasn’t around. Maybe too much like the old times. I felt like I was reverting a lot lately back towards the old me, the old Ri.
I walked towards Old Main. It was becoming my most frequented place here on campus, other than my classes. I felt like I was here more than anywhere else, and not just passing through, though I knew that wasn’t really right. It was just because I’d met Logan here twice now—and Derek here once—so it felt like I was just always just coming here.
It was the place I went for clandestine meetings apparently.
When I got there, he was standing with his hands shoved into his pockets as he glanced around at the basically empty campus. He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt again. It emphasized his muscular build. His light blonde hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. Strands escaped the band, hanging around his face. He should have looked messy to me, almost as if just rolling out of bed, but I felt a shudder of warmth go through my body at the sight of him. He was al
ways so attractive to me, and I knew it wasn’t just the bad boy thing, either.
I took a moment to just look at him. I knew that beneath that shirt was a chest that was a masterpiece of tattoos, each one covering up a scar given to him in his youth. I didn’t have the whole story—we’d never really gotten the chance to discuss it—but I knew he was afraid of becoming violent, and I was pretty sure that those scars were from his father.
“Hey,” I called to him after a moment, walking the rest of the way towards him. I stopped a few feet from him. I didn’t want to be too close; that had the potential for disaster. “Thank you for meeting me.”
At the sound of my voice, he spun around quickly. He stared at me with bright, swirling blue eyes and I realized that the expression on his face was hope.
That made this harder. Pain shot through my chest and I bit my lip, guilt swimming through me. I didn’t want him to think this was about the potential of us getting together. This was about me finally explaining things so he understood why we couldn’t be together. Ever.
“Anytime,” he said and made it clear that he meant it. “If you ever need me, don’t be afraid to call on me. I’ll be here as soon as I can. For whatever you need.”
He was being so sweet, so earnest. And that was just going to make this all the harder.
“Thank you, Logan,” I told him sincerely. I did appreciate what he was saying, and how he felt about me. I’d been fighting it for a long while now, ever since he told me, but I couldn’t deny that hearing that from any man was flattering. Hearing that from Logan was like a jolt of electricity rushing through me. And I wished desperately that I could hold onto it, but I couldn’t. Which made his feelings and his earnestness all the harder to deal with. “But I don’t want you to feel like you… like you owe me anything.”
I tried to choose my words carefully, but it was difficult and I could tell by the way he was frowning that he didn’t like what I’d said.
“I didn’t come here or say that because I feel like I owe you anything,” he told me, his eyes darkening slightly as a frown came over his features. He realized that this wasn’t about me telling him that I loved him back. This wasn’t about us getting together. “I said that because I mean it. I’m here for you, because I love you, Addy.”
Wrecked Book 4 Page 4
