Ties That Bind Us

by Nicole Knight

  At the moment, I wasn’t sure who I was more upset with—myself for breaking my recovery or Nick for keeping the circumstances of my brother’s death from me. It wasn’t a simple white lie; this was my brother’s life. Nick had played a part in his death, and whatever that meant, it should have been one of the very first things he told me. Here we were, supposed to be building a life together, and he was keeping some pretty serious shit from me.

  I had every right to be upset, but what I shouldn’t have done was go crawling back to my old habits. I had set myself back in a giant way, and who knew how long it would take me to reach that point in my recovery again. It was a daily battle, and while I’d like to say it was a one-time thing, it was a slippery slope. What came next was unknown, and that was the most scary for me.

  Hearing Nick say he shot my brother still haunted my mind. It made me sick to even think about. He had been the only one in my life who was actually honest with me and who treated me like an equal. It was out of character for him to keep me in the dark like he had, and if I had been thinking clearly I would have realized that and given him an opportunity to explain. And honestly, my father was just as much to blame as anyone. He obviously knew what had happened, and not only had he kept it from me, he put me in a situation where I could be completely blindsided. After giving myself some time to actually think about what happened, I knew I had to talk to Nick before making any kind of judgment.

  I got out of bed much too quickly, causing a raging pain in my head. I needed to find Nick and sort through all of this. I felt overwhelmed trying to piece together how I felt about all of this on my own. At the very least, Nick had lied to me, but I had acted immaturely and irrationally. We both had some explaining to do.

  I went into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and try to make myself look like I wasn’t quite as hungover and in withdrawal as I was. My eyes were dark and sunk in, and I pinched my cheeks trying to establish a little bit of color in my pale skin. The sight of my bare left hand made my heart drop. Oh my God. I had given my ring to the bartender! If I thought Nick was going to be upset before, this would surely be the icing on the cake.

  I couldn’t avoid this any longer, though. Nick had the answers I so desperately needed. I was going to have to face whatever was coming to me, but so was he.

  The hallway was filled with the smell of breakfast. He couldn’t be all that mad if he was cooking for me, could he? I guess that was a good sign—at least, I was choosing to take it that way.

  He was standing with his back to me, wearing just a pair of sweatpants. It always softened my resolve seeing how perfect he was. His muscular back moved around the kitchen with ease, but the way he carried himself was different this morning. His shoulders were slightly sunken, and he moved slowly, unlike his usually confident demeanor. He heard me come in, and turned to face me after a few seconds, clearing his throat.

  “Good morning,” I said sheepishly. I wish I had any kind of inkling of what went on last night so I could anticipate what was coming. There was never a doubt Nick would be livid. What I hadn’t been prepared for, though, was the look of torment and hurt on his face. It was like a dark cloud was blanketing the kitchen. It wasn’t anger but pure anguish. Neither one of us wanted to move first, for fear of igniting the other, so we stood facing each other with our eyes locked for several seconds.

  “Good morning.” A very small smile turned up at his lips. “You look . . .”

  “Hopefully better than I feel.” I chuckled a little, trying to lighten the mood.

  “I’m making breakfast. There are some painkillers in the cabinet if you need them,” Nick offered, turning back to the eggs sizzling on the stove. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, but the thought of eating right now was enough to make me want to throw up right then and there.

  I sat in silence as he cooked, and after a few minutes he joined me at the bar and slid a plate of food in front of me.

  “You didn’t need to do this.” I bit my lip, holding back tears. I hadn’t expected to get emotional, but the second I felt his hand on my knee all of that went out the window.

  “I’ve been trying to think of what I wanted to say to you for the last several hours, but nothing really seems appropriate.” His voice was even and calm as he stared out the window.

  “I guess we’ve got a lot to talk about.”

  “We do,” he agreed, turning to me.

  I took a deep breath, debating where to start. The ring was as good a place as any. “I did something really stupid last night.”

  “One thing?” Nick smirked, loosening the both of us up.

  “I guess that’s a valid point, but I think this one is probably the worst.”

  “Go on,” he said.

  “I left your engagement ring.” Tears bubbled in my eyes again as I blurted it out.

  Nick studied my face for a second, and scratched his chin before responding. He reached into his pocket to fish something out.

  “You mean this?” He held the oval-shaped sparkler in front of me and my heart nearly stopped.

  “How did you . . . where . . .” Words wouldn’t come to me.

  He clenched his jaw, turning the ring over and over in his hand. “I know the bartender. He’s the one who called me when you showed up. And he kept hold of this after you used it to pay for another guy’s drinks,” he explained, his voice still calm.

  “God, Nick, I’m so sorry.” I burst into tears.

  “The thing is, Ava, I couldn’t care less about this thing.” He held the ring up to me. “I care about you. And your safety. That’s what I’m pissed off about. What you did last night—you could have gotten yourself killed. And I get you were upset, you have every right to be, but you should have come to me and talked about it. Not gone to fucking Jimmy and his cocaine.”

  His voice broke, and I could tell how painful this was for him. It was a whole new experience having someone concerned for my safety. With my parents, it always seemed to be more about how my behavior reflected on them. I chewed on my lip, not sure what I could say at this point. I felt sick.

  “I owe you an explanation. I’m going to tell you everything that happened with Andrew, and I’m going to set this here.” He put the ring on the countertop. “And after we talk about all of this, you can decide whether or not you’re going to put it back on.”

  I nodded.

  “But if you do, some things are going to have to change.”

  I nodded again, afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I spoke. It was extremely unnerving to know I was about to find out the truth of what happened to Andrew after all these years.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this from the beginning, I assumed your dad had. I didn’t find out that you didn’t know the truth until a few weeks ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to bring it up ever since,” he started.

  “I’d known Andrew for a long time. I should have recognized you the moment I saw you that night because your faces are so similar. I don’t know why I didn’t.” Nick hesitated. “He was one of my best friends.”

  “Mine too,” I choked out.

  Nick squeezed his eyes shut as if gearing himself up for what he was about to say.

  Nick (Four Years Ago)

  “What the hell . . .” I was woken up abruptly by the sound of someone banging on the front door. Usually, it was Leo having forgotten his keys. I threw some shorts on and stomped out of my room and down the hall.

  “Bro, seriously, you’ve got to start . . .” I opened the door, annoyed as hell.

  It wasn’t Leo who was staring back at me; it was Andrew. He paced back and forth on the porch, frantic and looking like he hadn’t slept in days.

  “Andrew? What’s going on?” I asked, confused to see him standing at my door at three o’clock in the morning.

  “I need help.” His voice was hoarse.

  “Come inside.” I ushered him in, looking around to make sure that
no one was watching us. “What the fuck is going on?”

  “I screwed up, Nick. I took the deal from the MS-13 dude.” He ran his fingers through his hair, continuing to pace back and forth in my living room.

  “Are you out of your damn mind?” I shrieked. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?”

  He had come to me a few weeks ago about this whole thing. He had royally screwed up a weapons shipment for his dad and was trying to get it replaced before anyone caught wind of it. MS-13 was a gang—they didn’t run things like we did in the Mafia. It was fast and loose, and you couldn’t take much of what they said as truth. When he told me about the deal they offered him, I knew it was bullshit.

  They said they would replace his guns, no problem. He just had to go to their supplier and get the replacements plus their next shipment. I knew getting involved with them in any capacity was a death trap, but Andrew wouldn’t listen.

  “I know, I know!” he said. “I should have listened. But, shit, Nick. It’s bad.” Panic radiated off of him, and I knew he had to have bitten off more than he could chew. What he told me next, though, I would never have been prepared for.

  “What happened?” I asked skeptically.

  “You should have seen this place, Nick. Literally, fucking guns everywhere! Most I’ve ever seen in my life. No way they can keep tight inventory on that shit. I just figured . . .”

  My heart nearly stopped. “Andrew, tell me you didn’t steal from them.”

  “I only took a few! I didn’t think there was any chance they would even notice they were gone! My dad would have been ecstatic if I brought more home than we paid for. He’s always talking about what a screwup I am. For once I wanted him to trust me like he trusts Vince.” His voice was pained, and he was almost in tears. I knew the pressure he was under, but I didn’t understand how he could’ve been so damn reckless. “But they did. Now their supplier is after me and so are they.”

  “I told you I’d get you the guns, man!” Now I was pacing as well. We had to figure this shit out fast. These weren’t people you messed with, and I was furious at Andrew for dragging us into this mess. This was way out of our wheelhouse.

  “There’s no way you could have without my dad finding out!”

  “And this is better? They’re gonna kill you, man!” I spat, furious that he had put himself in that position. Of course they were going to find out. These are weapons we’re talking about. Thousands of dollars worth of weapons.

  “They’re not going to kill me, Nick.” He pulled a gun out of his waistband. “I’m going to kill myself.”

  “You really are out of your damn mind. Put that thing away,” I hissed, growing angrier by the minute. He wasn’t thinking straight. We needed to go to our dads and figure out what to do.

  “Nick, please. I’m here to say good-bye,” Andrew pleaded. “They’ll come after my family. They don’t care that this shit was my fault.”

  “We need to tell your dad.” I raked my hand through my hair, trying to form a plan.

  “No.” Andrew shook his head wildly. “This is my fault. If I get him involved, more people than necessary will get hurt.”

  “This is insane. You can’t do this. How does this solve anything?”

  “Their war is with me, and if I die, it’ll die with me.” Andrew continued to drone on, but I wasn’t hearing much of what he was saying. It was all nonsense. Him dying was no way to handle this shit. We’d figure something out.

  “Andrew, this is ridiculous.” I pleaded with him, concerned about how much he had actually planned this out.

  “Nick, I’m dying. One way or another. I screwed this up so bad, there is no way out. My dad can’t protect me, you can’t protect me, no one can. I’m okay with that, I’ve come to terms with it. But what I can’t come to terms with is anything happening to my family because of the shit I got myself involved in.”

  “Andrew . . .”

  “This is the only option, Nick. They’ll hurt my family, hell, they may even come after you if they’ve got eyes on me already.”

  I stared back at him, stunned into silence. This seemed so drastic, but he was right. The second he agreed to that deal then stole those fucking guns, he signed his death certificate. God, I was so fucking pissed at him for being so stupid.

  “Good-bye Nick.”

  He reached for the gun in his waistband and I lunged, refusing to let this happen. I got a hand on the gun and Andrew and I struggled with it.

  “Nick, let go!” he growled, pulling as hard as he could against me. There was no way I was going to let him go through with this. He was wrong—there were other options, we just needed to talk this out and decide what to do.

  “Come on, man.” I grunted, trying my best to get a good footing so I could wrench the gun away from him.

  We struggled against each other for what felt like forever, each of us trying to get the upper hand. Andrew was determined, and I had to fight like hell to stop this from happening. All of a sudden, Andrew’s elbow hit my chin, sending searing pain through my jaw. I lost my hold on the gun, and then a deafening shot rang out. Everything else happened in slow motion. Andrew’s face froze and he stumbled backward, clutching his stomach. His shirt seeped crimson with blood and he dropped to his knees, letting the gun fall to the ground.

  “Fuck!” I shrieked, kneeling in front of him and trying to put pressure on the wound. It was no use, though, I could see Andrew fading quickly in my arms, and after a few seconds, he was completely gone. Tears pooled in my eyes as I stared at his lifeless body in front of me. How the fuck had this happened?

  I didn’t even know if I pulled the trigger or if Andrew had, but it didn’t really matter. Andrew was dead and I hadn’t been able to stop it. What the fuck was I going to do now?

  I sat next to him, trying to steady my breathing and figure out what to do. Finally, I did the only thing I could think of.

  I called my father.

  Chapter 18

  Nick

  “Ava, I swear to God, I did everything I could to stop it. He was determined, and there was nothing anyone could have done, you or me.” I sighed. “At first, your dad didn’t believe me, but Andrew left him a video explaining the whole thing. After that, we stopped working together completely. There was just too much animosity. And as you can see, Vince still blames me.”

  Ava hadn’t said a word since I’d started telling my story. She stared back at me so emotionlessly it was almost scary. I couldn’t tell how, or even if, she was processing this, so I just kept talking.

  “When I found out you were Andrew’s sister, I never in a million years thought that you wouldn’t know. I always figured your dad would have told you, but after a little while I realized you had no idea about any of it. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s something that haunts me every day.” My voice cracked as I said the last part. She had no idea how true that statement was. I thought of Andrew constantly. Every time I had to kill someone, I relived that entire night—that’s why it was so emotional for me.

  “Nick, I—” Ava started, searching for the right words. There really weren’t any at a time like this, but I was desperate to know what was going through her head. “I just don’t even know what to say.”

  “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

  She reached for my hand, her touch lifting a giant weight off of my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I should have given you the opportunity to explain last night instead of running away like I did. I guess I never even considered how hard it would have been for you too.” She buried her face in her hands, heavy sobs wrenching her entire body.

  “Hey.” I moved closer to her, taking both of her hands in mine so she couldn’t hide. “You have every right to be upset. I should have told you the second I knew you didn’t know. I just didn’t know how to. I was always planning on it, but I know what an awful time you had after Andrew died, I didn’t want . . .” Abo
ut halfway through I realized how this was going to sound. If I told her I didn’t tell her because I was worried she was going to have a breakdown again, she would think I had no faith in her.

  She understood where I was going with it anyway. “You thought I would start using again,” she said flatly. I knew it was harsh, but she couldn’t really be upset at me for thinking that. After all, that was exactly what she had done when she found out.

  “I need to know how bad this is, Ava. I was honest with you about Andrew, and now I need you to be honest with me about this. You’re going to be my wife.”

  “You still want to marry me?” Ava frowned, catching me completely off guard.

  I was speechless for a second. Where did that even come from? “Of course I do. What would make you think I didn’t?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just thought you would want to give me back after what happened last night. How I acted.” Her face fell in defeat. I wasn’t used to this side of Ava, and it was disarming. She was usually so confident and sure of herself, but now I was seeing the side of her that had been beaten down by Alessandro for the last twenty-three years.

  I scooted her chair even closer to me, and grabbed both of her hands again. “First of all, you’re not some sort of object that can be given back, so stop thinking like that. The last thing I want is for you to go back to that house. I care about you, Ava. I’m not just going to throw you to the side when you screw up. That’s not what love is. Second of all, I’m the one who should be worried about you calling off the wedding. I know this shit about Andrew is a lot to take in, and I guarantee this will not be the only thing I screw up in our life together. So I don’t expect you to just dump me to the side either.”

  She chewed the side of her lip nervously, like she was about to burst into tears.

  “We’re going to figure this out together—if you want to, that is.” I nodded to her ring on the counter and took it in my hand.