The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

‘What is his last name?’ Freya asked.

  ‘Prenderghast.’

  She snorted. ‘You’re yanking my chain. Your new boyfriend – and my potential future brother-in-law – is called Winston Prenderghast?’

  He flinched again. ‘All right, all right. Stop saying it at me.’

  ‘Winston Prenderghast. Wee Winnie Prenderghast. The Prenmeister.’ Freya shook her head. ‘Nope, there’s just no way to make it work. I guess it’s the sort of name that can only sound cool if you’re a ghostbuster.’

  ‘It’s not his fault, is it? I really like him, Frey. I’ll just have to learn to live with it, that’s all.’

  ‘So we’re using words like “boyfriend” and “relationship”, are we?’ Robyn said. ‘I take it that means the rest of your date went well.’

  ‘Oh, don’t encourage him, the smug git,’ Freya said, shooting her brother a resentful look. ‘Not unless you want to hear all the details of how he got lucky last night while I went home early for a cold shower.’

  ‘Really?’ Robyn gave him an approving nod. ‘Good for you, El.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Eliot said. ‘So, are we forgiven then?’

  ‘Hmm. I’m still hurt you felt you had to lie.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake.’ Freya reached into her bag for her gavel, then bowed her head as she held it out to Robyn with both hands. ‘Here.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m giving you custody, as penance for my sins. I just can’t live with the guilt any more.’

  Robyn smiled and pushed it back. ‘No, you’d better keep it. The club gavel’s like Mjölnir: only she who is worthy can wield it.’

  ‘Mjölnir? That’s an IKEA range, isn’t it?’

  ‘It’s Thor’s hammer, you pudding.’ Robyn shook her head. ‘Ugh. Why do I even know that? Bloody Ash and his superheroes.’

  ‘Speaking of the Barnes boys, the other one’s over there.’ Eliot nodded towards the bar, where Will was waiting to be served.

  ‘Oh yeah, I meant to tell you,’ Robyn said. ‘I invited him to join us, as a fellow happy single. I hope he’s not too disappointed that we’ve had to disband the club for reasons of low and base treachery.’

  ‘Really, you invited Will to pub night?’ Freya said.

  ‘Why not? It’s ages since he came for a drink with us.’

  ‘Well yes, but there’s a reason for that, isn’t there? I thought you said it was too weird.’

  Robyn shrugged. ‘I’ve sort of made my peace with his face now we’ve started hanging out again. Not that it isn’t still a bit weird, but I don’t want to lose Will’s friendship just because Ash isn’t in the picture any more. Actually, we were thinking of spending Christmas together.’

  ‘Just you two?’

  ‘Yeah. Will’s right, it’s daft sitting either side of a wall on our own.’

  Eliot quirked an eyebrow at Freya.

  ‘What?’ Robyn said.

  ‘There’ll be gossip.’

  ‘Oh, sod gossip. Who cares? We’ll know there’s nothing to it.’

  ‘Is it really a good idea spending all this time with Will while you’re still getting over Ash?’ Freya said. ‘Hard to move on when you’ve got his face right in front of you.’

  Robyn frowned. ‘Why does everyone keep saying that? I promise you, other than a lingering feeling of impotent rage, I am completely, utterly and totally over that knobhead Ash Barnes.’

  ‘I’m glad to hear it,’ a voice at her shoulder said.

  Robyn looked up at Will, who’d materialised behind her clutching a pint.

  She flushed. ‘Oh. Hiya.’

  ‘Bloom,’ Will said with a nod. ‘And Millers twain. I hope you don’t mind me crashing pub night.’

  ‘Course not,’ Eliot said. ‘Good to have you back in the gang, Will.’

  ‘Take a seat,’ Robyn said. ‘You’re just in time to hear my cracking idea actually.’

  Will pulled up a chair next to her. ‘What idea’s that then?’

  ‘My new club idea.’

  ‘I thought Freya had the club ideas round here.’

  Freya nodded. ‘Only the most worthy may wield the gavel,’ she said, waggling it at Robyn. ‘But you have my permission to speak, minion.’

  ‘It was Will who put the idea in my head,’ Robyn said. ‘Last night at the pensioners’ do, when we got chatting about bucket lists.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Okay. You remember that drinking game we used to play, Never Have I Ever?’

  ‘You want us to start a drinking club? You’ve been spending too much time with your Aunty Fliss.’

  ‘No, not that. A… sort of a carpe diem club. You know, to encourage people to make the most of life, try out new experiences. I thought that’s what we could call it, The Never Have I Ever Club.’

  ‘Okay,’ Will said slowly. ‘So we’d meet here once a week and… what, go bungee jumping off the bar? Ask the landlady if she could fill a bath and stick a couple of dolphins in so we can splash about with them?’

  ‘Not just us.’ Robyn’s eyes sparkled. ‘Everyone, Will.’

  ‘How do you mean, everyone?’

  ‘I mean, we start a proper club, not just some daftness to go with our Thursday night drinks. Before I was just thinking about myself, the stuff I want to do, but it isn’t just me who has dreams, is it? You saw those pensioners last night. Kettlewick could use something like this.’

  Eliot frowned. ‘Are you saying you want us to start a social club for OAPs?’

  ‘Not just OAPs, El, everyone. After what happened to me recently, and what Will was saying yesterday about his…’ She stopped herself. ‘I mean, none of us know how much time we’re going to have, do we?’

  ‘Well that’s morbid.’

  ‘That’s the thing – it isn’t at all. It’s totally life-affirming. Get busy living or get busy dying, I always say.’

  ‘You do not always say that,’ Freya said. ‘Morgan Freeman always says that in The Shawshank Redemption.’

  ‘Hey. You can learn a lot about life from The Shawshank Redemption.’

  Robyn thought back to Arty Johnson, the exciting life he’d lived as a young man, and how sad he seemed now. About the other old folk at the party, barely making conversation while they nibbled their turkey sandwiches.

  ‘A club could help tackle loneliness and depression in the village, plus encourage people to rediscover their lust for life or whatever. I think it’d be a really rewarding thing to get off the ground.’

  ‘We’ve never run a real club before though,’ Freya said. ‘I’m all for community spirit, honey, but where would we even start?’

  Robyn looked at Will. ‘That’s where I thought the good doctor might be able to help, as a pillar-of-the-community type. You volunteer for stuff at the village hall all the time, don’t you, Will?’

  ‘Occasionally, yeah. But I’ve never set a group up.’ Will gazed thoughtfully into his drink. ‘You’re right though: it is a good idea. There are a lot of lonely people in Kettlewick. We could advertise it at the surgery.’

  ‘So?’ Robyn said, looking round the table. ‘What do you say? Are you in?’

  Freya looked at her brother. ‘I am if you are.’

  He looked at Will. ‘I am if he is.’

  Will shrugged. ‘Well, then I guess I am if Bloomy is.’

  ‘Thanks, you guys.’ Robyn borrowed Freya’s gavel and banged it on the table. ‘In that case, I hereby declare The Never Have I Ever Club open.’

  8

  After his last appointment of the day, Will chucked his coat over one arm and poked his head into the consulting room opposite his, where his colleague Darya Kaur was entering notes into her computer.

  ‘Dari, I’m getting off.’

  ‘Okay. Rushing off to a date, are you?’

  ‘I wish. No, I need to see a man about a club.’

  She laughed. ‘You need to what?’

  ‘I went out for a drink a few weeks ago and somehow volunteered to help set up a vill
age friendship group. The Never Have I Ever Club.’

  ‘Oh right, are you involved in that? I saw the posters in the waiting room.’

  ‘Yeah, me and three others. Tonight’s the preliminary meeting, just to gauge interest.’

  Darya shook her head, smiling. ‘I don’t know how you get talked into these things, Will. You’re too nice, that’s your trouble.’

  ‘Well, this was one of Robyn’s better ideas.’ He came in properly and sank into a chair. ‘I’m happy to help if it’ll do people some good. Goes with the job really, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Robyn Bloom?’

  ‘Yes, she’s involved too. She’s become Miss Public Spirit since she helped me out at that pensioners’ party.’

  Darya raised an eyebrow. ‘There’s talk doing the rounds about you two, you know.’

  He laughed. ‘I bet. Mrs Carlton?’

  ‘Among others.’

  ‘How very Kettlewick. You spend one night buttering rolls together and the next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a passionate affair.’

  ‘So there’s nothing to it then?’

  ‘What, me and my brother’s ex? Come off it, Dari.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ she said, shrugging as she turned back to her computer.

  Will picked at a speck of lint on his coat. ‘I don’t think I ought to treat her again though. It doesn’t feel right somehow.’

  ‘Because there’s gossip? Or do you mean because she’s Ash’s ex?’

  ‘Heh. If I had to declare an interest for every woman in this village who’d dated my brother, I’d barely have any patients left.’ He was silent a moment. ‘It’s more that I don’t believe she’s over him. I know it’s blurry in the sort of tiny country practice where you do tend to know your patients outside work, but with Robyn… ethically I feel I’m on shaky ground.’

  ‘Too weird for you?’

  ‘No, for her.’ He rubbed his cheek. ‘I know that every time she looks at me, it’s him she sees.’

  ‘It’s a point,’ Darya said. ‘The twin thing does add an extra dimension.’

  ‘Am I right then?’

  ‘In your position, yes, I’d feel the same. You don’t need to make a big issue of it. Just have a word on reception and ask them to make sure her appointments are only with me or Sykesy.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll do that. Thanks for the advice, Dari.’

  ‘How is your Ash these days? Has he said any more about coming home?’

  ‘I can’t get hold of him to ask. The little sod’s not answering my calls.’ Will stood up and pulled on his coat. ‘Anyway, I’m doing time at the Glen tomorrow so I’ll see you Monday. Have a nice weekend.’

  He left the surgery and headed for the village hall, taking out his mobile as he walked.

  Hmm. Still nothing from Ash.

  Will was worried. Normally he had his brother on the phone at least once a fortnight; more if he had some crisis going on, which he invariably did. Ash’s life contained more drama than the bloody Royal Shakespeare Company.

  But for weeks now, Ash hadn’t been answering his phone. The last contact Will had had with him was five days ago, when Ash texted to ask if he knew where his black Timberland jacket was. But when Will had replied to find out if he wanted it posting, there’d been no response.

  He tapped out a text.

  All okay, bruv? Not spoken for a bit.

  It’d be late over there. Ash might be asleep. But no, the phone buzzed seconds later with a reply.

  Fine, just busy. Find my jacket?

  Will repeated the question he’d already asked once.

  Yeah, you want it sending?

  No, it’s all right, came the reply. Just wanted to know where it was.

  Will paused for a moment. Then he hit the call button. He let it ring for a while, but again there was no answer.

  Sorry, can’t talk, Ash’s follow-up text said. Later, Will.

  He couldn’t possibly be busy at whatever godforsaken hour in the early morning it was over there. Was Ash avoiding him? He never normally passed up a chance to chat – at least, not when Will was paying for the call. He tried not to feel hurt as he tucked his phone away.

  Ash couldn’t have heard something about him and Robyn, could he? Rumours were obviously spreading fast. Will wondered if he’d been too quick to dismiss Robyn’s concerns about village gossip.

  Surely his brother trusted him though. He must know Will would never try it on with a girl he’d been out with; even less one he still had feelings for.

  In fact, Will couldn’t understand why anyone would think he’d hit on his brother’s old flame. Honestly, what kind of backstabbing bastard did people round here take him for? It wouldn’t matter how much he liked Robyn: she was Ash’s girl. Well, not any more, obviously, but that was neither here nor there. Ash had got in first and whatever Will felt – whatever he might have been capable of feeling, once – his brain had long ago filed Robyn Bloom in a box marked ‘off limits’.

  No, they were friends, that was all. They had been since long before Ash and Robyn had become an item, and neither his brother nor anyone else could begrudge them that.

  Still, he definitely felt he’d done the right thing in deciding not to treat her from now on. It wasn’t just what he’d told Dari: it was him too. His feelings for Robyn… they were platonic, obviously, but definitely stronger than they ought to be if he expected to behave like a detached medical professional. Too often since they’d made friends again, he’d caught himself thinking about her, or looking forward to the next time he was going to see her. It just wasn’t appropriate for him to act as her doctor; not now.

  Will was starting to regret asking her for Christmas too. Or perhaps not regret exactly – he was looking forward to having someone fun to spend the day with. He just wished it wasn’t likely to fuel more gossip that might end up finding its way to his brother.

  He wished he’d never had to hear the bloody gossip himself either. Knowing what people were saying made him feel self-conscious around Robyn in a way he never had before. He couldn’t suppress the feeling he was doing something wrong. Betraying Ash, or… God, he didn’t know. It just made everything that bit more awkward.

  Ugh. Why the hell was he letting the overactive imaginations of Kettlewick busybodies get to him? It was a turkey dinner he was offering Robyn, not rampant sex on the dining table. Old-fashioned thinking, that was the problem, from people who’d been young in a time when men and women rarely had close friends outside their own gender. Well, that was then. This was now.

  Anyway, he could hardly leave the poor lass home alone watching Home Alone on her favourite day of the year, could he? Having her over was the least a good friend could do. He’d get hold of Ash sooner or later and explain, get things sorted. In thirty-five years they’d never fallen out over a girl, and it’d be pretty ridiculous to let one come between them now.

  He made an effort to pull himself together as the village hall came into view. He didn’t want Robyn to pick up on any awkwardness, not now she’d finally started to relax in his company again.

  He found Robyn, Eliot, Freya and about fifteen others sitting round a long table in the hall, chatting as they waited for this preliminary meeting of The Never Have I Ever Club to begin.

  ‘Jinkies,’ Will said, taking a seat by Robyn. ‘I never thought we’d get so many.’

  Robyn beamed at him. ‘Isn’t it awesome? Those posters you put up in the surgery must’ve done it.’

  There were loads of people Will recognised. Felicity and the Brigadier, of course: he’d known something like this would be right up their alley. Cliff and Linda Cockburn, the married couple in their sixties who ran the village shop. Carolyn and Albert Jeffries, patients of his. Arty Johnson and Molly Gardiner, the widowed pair Felicity had pointed out the night of the pensioners’ party. And a whole load more, with ages ranging from mid-thirties to early eighties.

  ‘Who’s this, El?’ he said, nodding to the man sitting by his friend. He was gu
essing from their body language, with Eliot inclining towards the other man so their shoulders were touching, that this wasn’t some random villager.

  ‘This is Winnie.’ Eliot flinched. ‘He’s my, er… Winnie. Winnie, this is Will, an old friend from school.’

  ‘Well done,’ Freya mouthed to Eliot.

  ‘I know, three times in one go,’ he whispered back.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Winnie,’ Will said, holding out a hand. ‘How long have you two been seeing each other then?’

  ‘Not long,’ Winnie said as he shook Will’s hand. ‘Technically this is our fifth date.’

  ‘Really, this is a date? Looks like you’ve been chucked in at the deep end.’

  Winnie laughed. ‘Well, who doesn’t want to carpe a few diems? I’m looking forward to being involved.’

  ‘So guys, shall we make a start?’ Robyn said.

  ‘Oh yeah, that reminds me. I brought you a present.’ Freya reached into her handbag and handed her something.

  Robyn shook her head. ‘I told you, Frey, I can’t take your special gavel.’

  ‘Don’t worry, that’s at home. I got this one for you.’ Freya smiled. ‘This club’s your baby, not mine. Go on, give it a try.’

  Robyn banged it on the table and nodded approvingly. ‘Oooh, nicely weighted.’ She reached over to squeeze Freya’s arm. ‘Thanks, love. I’ll try to be worthy.’

  Silence had fallen when Robyn banged her gavel, expectant eyes turning in her direction.

  ‘Oh,’ she said, blinking. ‘Right, it works. Um, hi, everyone. Welcome to the preliminary meeting of The Shag Marry— The Happy Singles— I mean, The Never Have I Ever Club.’

  She stopped, staring glassy-eyed at the group.

  ‘Go on,’ Will said.

  ‘I can’t,’ she hissed from behind a fixed smile. ‘Not when everyone’s looking at me.’

  ‘Course you can.’ He pushed her new gavel into her hand. ‘You have the power, Bloomy.’

  ‘But what do I say?’

  ‘Just tell everyone what it’s all about.’

  ‘Right. Okay, I can do that.’ She cleared her throat. ‘So the idea is that we’ll be a friendship group, you know, to meet new people and socialise and that. But, um, with a twist. Has anyone ever played the drinking game Never Have I Ever?’