The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘There isn’t any.’ Robyn put a hand on his shoulder. ‘There must be a way we can get her to listen. What did she say when you talked to her?’

  ‘Oh, the silly girl just said she loved me and she wanted the time we had left to be happy, not full of pain. That she didn’t want me to spend my declining years caring for the shell of the person she used to be.’ He let out a humph. ‘Utter nonsense. I’d be proud to care for her.’

  ‘We can’t give up.’

  ‘Well, Robyn, I’ll pass the baton back to you. She’s more likely to listen to you than all the rest of us.’ He nodded to Arty Johnson, who’d just entered the hall carrying a cardboard box. ‘Hullo, here’s trouble.’

  ‘What’s he got there?’

  ‘That cursed book of his. Fresh from the printer’s, I understand. He told me he was going to be flogging them tonight.’

  ‘Seriously? Already? Did he change any of the inflammatory stuff after you talked to him?’

  The Brigadier snorted. ‘No, but he suddenly remembered an embarrassing anecdote about me from our schooldays and added that too. “Publish and be damned” seems to be his mantra.’

  Robyn’s mouth twitched. ‘Go on, what was the anecdote?’

  ‘You’ll never hear it from me, my dear,’ he said, smiling.

  ‘Well, I’m sure I’ll find out when I get my copy. See you later, Uncle Norm.’

  Robyn left him and approached Arty selling his wares.

  ‘Hi, Arty,’ she said. ‘Can I take a look?’

  He beamed. ‘Be my guest.’

  She picked up one of the hardbacks. The title was Arthur Johnson: My Life and Other Accidents, set over a tinted photo of a young, grinning Arty with a cigarette clamped between his teeth. He was in the sea at Blackpool, wearing a suit and tie with his trousers rolled up to the knees. One of his arms was curled around the waist of a curvy blonde woman in a swimsuit.

  ‘I never knew you were such a good-looking boy, Arty,’ Robyn said. ‘Who’s the girl?’

  ‘That’d be Mrs Arty, my late wife Nettie. That was taken the day we met.’

  Molly Gardiner had joined them and was peering over Robyn at the book.

  ‘She was a beauty, wasn’t she?’ she said to Arty. ‘You always were lucky with the ladies.’

  He smiled. ‘I remember when you were something to write home about yourself, Moll.’

  Molly shook her head at Robyn. ‘Would you hear him? Now, a gentleman would say I still was. No matter how big a fib he was telling.’

  Robyn laughed. ‘Well, Arty, I’ll take my copy now. How much are they?’

  ‘For you? A tenner.’

  ‘Done,’ she said, fishing out a note.

  ‘You certainly have been.’ He grinned as he chucked the money into a plastic tub. ‘Now this reminds me of the old days.’

  ‘I’ll take one too,’ Molly said, helping herself to a book. ‘I don’t have the money on me but I can pay when I see you at Bridge next week.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Arty said, winking. ‘No charge for old girlfriends, company policy.’

  She laughed. ‘With a business plan like that, you’ll be bankrupt by summer.’

  ‘Live fast, die broke, that’s my motto.’

  Robyn cast a worried look after Molly as she walked off, leafing through her new book.

  ‘You don’t mind her reading it then?’ she said to Arty.

  ‘Why should I?’

  ‘Well… I mean, you two have got history, haven’t you? Norman said there was stuff about her in there.’

  ‘That’s right. Chapter fourteen.’ He smiled at Robyn’s expression. ‘Robyn, when you get to our age, every nugget of nostalgia has a rosy glow. Even memories of the things that caused you pain.’

  ‘You’re sure she won’t be offended?’

  ‘Lass, I’ll tell you a secret.’ He leaned towards her. ‘Not only do I think she won’t be offended, but I’m hoping I’ll earn a few points with her out of it, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘But she broke your heart, didn’t she? And yet now you seem almost… well, like it’s a joke between you, the fact she left you for someone else.’

  ‘Like I said. Everything’s softened with time.’ He cast a fond glance after Molly. ‘We had a lot of good times together when we were young. I hope once she’s finished reading, she’ll remember them as well as I do.’

  ‘Right. Well, er… good luck.’

  Robyn couldn’t imagine ever feeling that way about Ash, no matter how many years elapsed. Even if she found it in her heart to forgive him, the pain of a betrayal like that would always be raw.

  She wandered away, thinking that no matter how long she spent with other human beings, she’d never understand them.

  28

  Freed from kitchen duty, Will spotted a now fully clothed Ash examining the sketches on the easels and went to join him.

  He frowned at the drawing Ash was scrutinising. ‘This one’s a bit surreal. What part of you do the plums represent, or don’t I want to know?’

  ‘It’s the Brig’s,’ Ash said. ‘Obviously he found the prospect of drawing me starkers too traumatic to contemplate so he decided to reimagine my genitals as a bowl of fruit.’

  ‘How was your first experience of nude modelling then?’

  ‘Not as bad as I thought actually. They were pretty giggly at first, but by the end they seemed to have developed a certain detachment. Although I don’t much like the looks Linda Cockburn’s been giving me.’

  ‘Didn’t you sleep with her youngest?’

  ‘Yeah, my first time. That’ll be an interesting mother–daughter chat if Linda decides to frame the thing.’

  Will followed Ash around the easels. He stopped at one that caught his eye.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, frowning. ‘This isn’t you, it hasn’t got a tattoo. It…’ He looked up. ‘Ash, this is me!’

  Ash squinted at it. ‘It’s not, is it?’

  ‘Yes it is, it’s got stubble. And the hair’s different. Whose picture is this?’

  ‘Freya’s.’

  ‘I’ll kill her!’

  ‘Come on, you should feel flattered.’

  ‘Violated is what I feel,’ Will said, folding his arms. ‘I refuse to have people looking at your cock and thinking about mine. That’s it, we’re taking her off the Christmas card list.’

  Ash had moved on to the next picture.

  ‘Shit!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘This one’s good, Will. I mean, it’s really bloody good.’

  Will came to look. ‘It is well executed for an amateur, isn’t it? Who did it?’

  ‘Eliot. Looks like he’s got some natural talent. Hey, do you think he’d let me buy it off him?’

  Will laughed. ‘Seriously, you want to buy a drawing of yourself in the nude? What for?’

  ‘Well, to remember myself by.’ He shrugged at Will’s expression. ‘What? I look hot.’

  Ash spotted Eliot talking to Robyn and waved them both over.

  ‘El, I’ll give you fifty quid for this,’ he said, pointing to the picture.

  ‘No way! Seriously?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s really good, you should think about taking it up.’

  ‘Fuck me. Done.’ Eliot grabbed Ash’s hand and shook it. ‘I’d rather have fifty quid than a drawing of your willy any day. No offence.’

  Robyn smiled as Ash took out his wallet. ‘Get you, El, your first sale. That makes you a professional artist.’

  ‘I know, awesome. I’m off to tell Winnie.’ Eliot disappeared in search of his boyfriend, gazing reverently at the two twenties and a ten now clutched in his fist.

  ‘I don’t think much of yours, Rob,’ Ash said, nodding to her picture. ‘I look like that anthropomorphic sausage off the Peperami ads.’

  She shrugged. ‘That’s just you, mate. I can’t help it if you look like a boggle-eyed sausage.’

  ‘Ahem,’ Will said. ‘Identical twin right here.’

  Ash smiled. ‘Come on, Rob. You’re not
going to insult me after what I just did, are you?’

  ‘Dunno. How did it feel?’

  ‘Embarrassing. Tough on the bum cheeks. And my old nursery teacher, Akela from Cubs and the parents of the first lass I ever had sex with now have their very own drawings of my penis, which I think really pushes it to the top of my ultimate conceivable humiliations list.’

  She laughed. ‘Then no, I’m not going to insult you. Thanks, Ash, you did good tonight. Everyone was very impressed with your professionalism and, er… poise.’

  ‘So we’re friends again?’

  ‘I suppose, after putting yourself through all that… yes, I suppose we’re friends again.’

  Ash brightened. ‘You mean it, I’m forgiven?’

  ‘Well, I never said that. But in view of the fact you so sportingly prostrated yourself on the altar of public nudity for me tonight, you’re… someone I now consider part of my inner circle again.’

  ‘Thanks, Rob, you won’t regret it.’

  Ash came forward to embrace her, but she put up her hands.

  ‘Whoa. We’re not hugging friends. This is very definitely a hand-shaking friends level of relationship.’

  ‘Okay, good enough.’ They shook hands.

  ‘And I do mean just friends, okay?’ she said, frowning. ‘Any more nonsense with love declarations or trips to New York and it’ll be all off again. We’re not getting back together.’

  ‘There won’t be anything like that, I promise.’

  ‘So I guess that means you’re both invited to pub night after the meeting,’ she said, glancing at Will, who’d turned away to examine Winnie’s drawing.

  Ash beamed. ‘Really, I can come too?’

  ‘Yeah, why not?’

  ‘Brilliant. We’d love to, wouldn’t we, bruv?’

  ‘Not me,’ Will said in a quiet voice, without turning from the drawing. ‘Bit tired. You go ahead.’

  ‘You sure? I don’t like to go without you.’

  Robyn tried to catch Will’s eye. ‘Yeah, come on, Will.’

  ‘No, not tonight.’ He finally looked round to smile at her. ‘Another time, eh, Bloomy?’

  ‘Well… okay.’ Around the room, people were getting ready to leave. ‘I’d better remind everyone to take their drawings. I don’t want to be left with a load of pictures of Ash’s knob.’

  When she’d gone, Ash turned to beam at Will. ‘Did you see that? She likes me again.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Will summoned a smile. ‘Happy for you, mate.’

  ‘So now I just need to work out how to elevate myself out of the friendzone and back towards being boyfriend material, don’t I?’

  ‘The friendzone’s infinitely preferable to the twatzone though, which is where you were languishing before. Just try not to cock it up by rushing things.’

  ‘I will. You sure you don’t fancy the pub?’

  ‘Not tonight. There’ll be plenty of other pub nights.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ Ash’s gaze drifted to Felicity as she moved through the crowd to kiss Robyn goodbye. ‘For some of us anyway. I understand we’ll be losing the old girl soon.’

  Will bowed his head. ‘Seems that way.’

  ‘Rob’ll miss her,’ he said with a sigh. ‘A lot of people will. I always thought she’d live forever.’

  ‘If anyone was going to, it’d be Felicity.’ Will was silent a moment. ‘It’s funny really. When we started this club, it was all about ticking off the things we wanted to do before we died. But when one of us found out she actually was dying, the only things she wanted to get done were for other people.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Well, like marrying the Brig. Felicity’s always said marriage wasn’t worth the paper it was written on, but she knows it’ll make an old traditionalist like Norman Berry happy so for his sake she’s going ahead. And this collection she loved, vintage computers, she’s donating to Robyn’s museum. Now she’s at the end of her life, there’s not a thing Felicity wants to do for herself.’

  Ash looked thoughtful as he watched Felicity embrace Robyn. ‘Rob and Felicity have always been close, haven’t they?’

  ‘Very much so. Why?’

  ‘She took it hard, I bet. The news.’

  Will thought back to the night Robyn had kissed him, when he’d begged her to keep out of his way while he struggled with feelings he knew were forbidden.

  ‘She did,’ he said quietly.

  ‘That’s what she was upset about that night, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Yes. Sorry, Ash, you know I couldn’t discuss it with you.’

  Ash turned to him. ‘Will, I just worked out what I can do. My contribution to the list.’

  ‘I thought this was it. Showing everyone the Barnes family assets was pretty selfless.’ Will glanced at Freya’s picture of him. ‘Well, from my point of view, maybe not so much.’

  ‘You know it wasn’t. I got my kit off because I owed Rob some top humiliation, not because I felt strongly about the right of pensioners to sketch people’s private parts.’

  ‘True. What’s your idea then?’

  He watched Felicity hobble out of the hall arm in arm with the Brigadier. ‘I want to do something for her. Felicity. She’s done a lot for Robyn, and for lots of people, and now she’s… I just think it’d be good to show her she’s appreciated while we can.’

  ‘Because it’ll impress Robyn, you mean.’

  Ash shook his head, a determined look on his face. ‘I don’t want Rob to know a thing about it. Will, for once in my fucking life I’m going to do something right.’

  Will clapped him on the back. ‘That’s my little brother. I don’t say this enough, but at heart, Ash, you’re really the best of men.’

  ‘Will you help me out?’

  ‘With what?’

  ‘I want to organise… well, something. I guess a fundraiser. That’s a good idea, don’t you think?’

  ‘I suppose. What type of fundraiser?’

  ‘Like a party to raise money for a cancer charity, in Felicity’s honour. She loves a party, right? Only I want you to pretend to Rob and everyone that it was your idea.’

  Will frowned. ‘I don’t like lying to her, Ash.’

  ‘Please, bruv. I can’t be selfless on my own here.’

  ‘Well… okay. What sort of party?’

  ‘Dunno. Something Felicity’ll like. What does she enjoy?’

  Will laughed. ‘Booze. You probably can’t go wrong with a ticketed event down the pub.’

  ‘Okay. A charity fundraiser in the pub, that sounds good. What would the theme be?’

  Will smiled as he remembered Robyn and Felicity’s annual Christmas tradition of exchanging gag gifts.

  ‘That one’s easy,’ he said. ‘The Eurovision Song Contest. Her and Robyn watch it together every year.’

  Ash pulled a face. ‘Eurovision, really? It’s so camp and cheesy.’

  ‘I suspect that for its fans, therein lies the charm,’ Will said, shrugging. ‘It’s a great idea for a theme. You can have a buffet with foods of the world, people in fancy dress, show the contest itself on a projector. Maybe run a sweepstake on the winner. Felicity’d love it.’

  ‘I guess she would.’ Ash smiled. ‘Hey, we’re halfway there already.’

  ‘It’s in May though, isn’t it? That’s not all that far away.’

  ‘It’s two whole months away. Plenty of time.’ Ash bent his hands backwards to crack his knuckles. ‘First thing tomorrow morning I’ll get brainstorming.’

  ‘First thing meaning when you drag yourself out of your pit around ten.’

  ‘Nope, actual first thing. Then I’m going into the office to see if there’s anything there that needs my attention. I’m properly turning over a new leaf, Will. No more of this manchild bollocks.’

  Will blinked. ‘Wow. You’re serious, aren’t you?’

  ‘Yep. Time for your little big brother to grow up at last. I’m done coasting.’ Ash noticed Robyn beckoning to him. ‘Are you sure I can’t tempt you t
o the pub? It feels sort of significant, my first one back in the gang.’

  Will followed Ash’s gaze to Robyn. ‘No, bruv. Not tonight.’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure.’

  Ash turned to join Robyn, but Will caught him by the arm.

  ‘Hey. Ash. Love you, okay?’

  Ash laughed. ‘Okay. What was that in aid of?’

  ‘Nothing, just… proud of you, that’s all. Mum would be too.’

  ‘What, if she heard I’d taken my clothes off in front of several notable members of the village old guard? I’m not sure she would.’

  Will smiled. ‘I mean if she knew the sort of man you were becoming.’

  ‘Some might say it’s taken me long enough to become any sort of man.’ Ash smiled too. ‘But thanks, big brother.’

  ‘Here, kid, give us a hug.’ Will pulled his brother to him and slapped him on the back. ‘Have fun with Robyn. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  29

  ‘Right, this is the last one,’ Will said, gently lowering the old Commodore with its retro tape deck onto the display table at Kettlewick Castle. He went to stand by Ash, who was examining Felicity’s old IBM machine in pride of place at the centre of the new Computing Through History exhibition.

  ‘Thanks, lads, it was good of you to help me set it up,’ Robyn said. ‘Don’t know how I would’ve managed without you.’

  Ash cast a reverent look around the room. The best of Felicity’s collection had been laid out in date order on a long display table, with a printed timeline running underneath showing major milestones in computing. Above, an interactive touchscreen allowed visitors to watch archive videos of the machines in action.

  ‘Rob, this place is geek paradise,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe your aunty just had this stuff sitting in her loft all these years.’

  ‘I’ll sort of miss the Victorian lacework display that had to go to make room for it,’ Robyn said. ‘Still, publicity for the new exhibition is working wonders. We’ve got three school groups booked in next week, and the local paper’s going to run a feature too.’