His eyes sought hers, that deep brown that was almost black. His lips moved closer. So like… his eyes, his lips, his whole face, just reminding her of…
Will. She looked into Ash’s face, and finally realised why her heart leapt whenever she saw him. Why she’d been able to forgive him quite easily once she’d made up her mind to do it, despite the barely healed broken heart he’d left her with.
It was because he reminded her of Will. Everything she loved about Ash, his warmth, his wit, she loved because they were the things he had in common with his brother. His brother… his brother who perhaps she’d loved all along. Had she?
There’s a famous optical illusion where the profile of a young girl, when looked at in just the right way, becomes the face of an old woman. Robyn remembered squinting at it for ages when her dad had first shown it to her, frustrated at her inability to see the second face. Then suddenly all the pieces had lined up and there was the old woman, as if it was her face that had been there all along. And once she’d found that old woman in the young woman’s features, Robyn could never unsee her again.
God, it was true, wasn’t it? She’d been blind, all this time. She loved Will. Not Ash, not anyone else. Only Will – always Will.
Ash’s lips connected with hers, but she turned her face away.
‘Ash, I’m sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘This has all been wonderful, really. And I’m flattered and… honoured, I guess, that you’d arrange all this just for me. But I can’t marry you.’
‘You want time to think it over? I know it’s sudden, and I wasn’t trying to rush you into anything. I just wanted to show you I was ready to make that commitment.’ He turned her face up to his. ‘And that I love you, genuinely.’
‘Ash, I… I’m really so sorry.’ She disentangled herself from his arms, feeling the painful sting of tears. ‘Can we go home please?’
‘Of course. You can have a good think on the drive back.’
They drove home in silence. Robyn’s brain was a whirlpool, spinning with stingray and pirate ships and Hull and Ash. And Will, of course, but he was always in there these days.
Just over two hours later, Ash pulled back into his drive.
‘Well?’ he said softly.
‘I’m sorry, Ash. I can’t.’
‘You need more time? You can take as long as you need, I’m in no hurry.’
‘No, I don’t need more time. I know what the answer is now.’ She rested a hand against his cheek and gave him a kiss. ‘You’re a good man, Ash Barnes,’ she said softly. ‘Perhaps that wasn’t always true, although I don’t believe you were ever a bad one – a thoughtless one maybe. But you are now. I’m proud of you, of what you’ve become, and I’m proud you’re my friend. As a friend, I’ll always love you. But I can’t be your wife.’
‘It was too soon, wasn’t it?’ He sighed. ‘Will was right. He usually is; I should’ve listened.’
‘Please don’t be upset.’
‘I’ll have to be, for a little while at least. I can’t just stop loving you. But if that’s your answer, I know better than to try to change your mind.’
She smiled. ‘Because I’m a stubborn cow.’
‘Too right you bloody are.’ He summoned a weak smile in return. ‘My brother’s going to be gutted his plan backfired.’
She frowned. ‘Will’s plan? How do you mean?’
‘I was going to take you hot-air ballooning, but Will was convinced that a meal at the fish place and popping the question on a pirate ship was the way to win your heart. He does hate being wrong.’
‘You mean this evening was all Will’s idea?’
‘Well, it wasn’t his idea for me to propose. Actually he did his best to talk me out of it, like he usually does when he thinks I’m running away with some half-baked notion. But since I was determined to go through with it, he helped me come up with your perfect date.’
‘It was perfect,’ she whispered. ‘It wasn’t the date, Ash. I just don’t think we’d work as a couple, not now.’
‘We used to work pretty well, didn’t we? Until I pigged it all up.’
‘We worked because we had a strong friendship to build it on. But now I’ve had some time… I’m not sure that wasn’t all we were really meant to be, in the end. Just good friends.’
He sighed. ‘Because of Melinda. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You can’t get past it.’
‘No, it’s not that. Not just that anyway. It’s… a lot of things.’
‘You really won’t consider it?’
‘I’m sorry, Ash.’ She looked up at him. ‘Give us a hug though?’
‘As many as you like, Rob.’ He leaned over the gearstick to embrace her. ‘Goodnight. I’ll see you soon, won’t I?’
‘Hey. I’m still the girl next door.’ She pressed a goodbye kiss to his lips, then got out of the car.
She started to close the passenger door, thought better of it and leaned back in to talk to him. ‘Ash… if Will’s awake, can you ask him to pop over? Nothing major. I just want to ask him a question about the next club meeting.’
Ash frowned. ‘What, now? It’s after midnight.’
‘It won’t take long. Please. I could do with knowing the answer.’
‘Well, okay, if it’s urgent. Night then.’
37
Will had looked out of the window when he’d heard the car pull in, but he’d long since turned away. He couldn’t bear to see Robyn there, in Ash’s arms. On his lips.
Throughout this crazy scheme of his brother’s, he’d never quite believed Robyn would say yes. But then again, why shouldn’t she? He knew it was Ash’s fun, impulsive side that had made her fall in love with him – the side Will had always envied while he was forced to exercise caution for the pair of them. A spontaneous proposal on a fairground ride was about as Ash as you could get.
And he, Will, had been the architect of it. Through this whole miserable business, the worst thing had to be repeatedly sabotaging his own dreams in order to help Ash achieve his. But what could he do? Will’s dreams could never go anywhere. And there was nothing he wanted more than to see Ash happy, even if he had to die a little inside every time he helped his brother win over the girl they both loved.
He made himself smile when he heard the front door open.
‘Congratulations,’ he said, giving Ash a hug. ‘All the happiness in the world, kid.’
Ash submitted to the hug for a moment before he drew back.
‘Thanks, Will,’ he said, sitting down. ‘You’re a bit premature though. She turned me down.’
Will frowned. ‘What? But out in the car, you looked…’
‘That was my compensation kiss and cuddle. We’re not getting married.’
‘Oh, Ash, I’m so sorry.’ Will sat down too and put an arm around him. ‘Go on, tell me all about it.’
Ash looked up from gazing thoughtfully at his jeans to smile at him. ‘It’s okay, bruv. I’m not disappointed.’
‘You’re not?’
‘Well, I am a bit, naturally. But I was prepared for this. It was never really about an engagement – it was about showing Rob I was ready to commit. Now I’ve done that, we can move on to the next step.’ He took out the ring and flicked the box open. ‘I nearly lost this thing on that bloody pirate ship. Tell you what, next time I propose, I’m doing it on a carousel.’
‘What is the next step?’
‘I’m not entirely sure,’ Ash admitted. ‘I had hoped that if she turned down the proposal, she’d at least agree to be my girlfriend again.’
‘But she didn’t.’
‘No. You were right: it was too soon. Too soon after Melinda. But when she’s had time to think about what it means, then maybe…’ He put the ring away again. ‘It’s the Eurovision party in three weeks. Perhaps I can progress things there.’
‘I thought the party was about Felicity.’
‘Well yeah, it is, of course. But if I can convince Robyn to go back out with me, that’ll be a nice bon
us.’
‘You think she will?’
‘I think she needs space right now. I’m going to take a step back until the party. I promised I wouldn’t try to change her mind.’
‘But you’re going to anyway.’
‘Not about the engagement, no,’ he said. ‘But I can’t give up on convincing her we ought to be a couple. I mean, would you give up on the woman you loved at the first hurdle?’
‘That’d depend on the size of the hurdle,’ Will said quietly.
‘Well, you’ll get it if you ever fall for someone.’ Ash patted his brother on the leg. ‘Better get a move on, eh?’
‘Never mind me. I’m all right.’
‘Oh, I nearly forgot. Rob wants to see you.’
Will blinked. ‘Me?’
‘Yeah, she asked me to send you over if you were still awake. Something about the club.’
‘What is it?’
‘I don’t know, she didn’t say.’
Will cast a wary glance in the direction of the house next door. ‘It’s very late, Ash.’
‘Go on, for me. I want her to know I passed on the message. Then she knows I’m not sulking.’
‘Well… okay.’
Will headed next door. Robyn answered his knock almost immediately, as if she’d been waiting in the hall.
‘Will,’ she said.
Nothing else. Just ‘Will’. But her expression was strange. She was smiling, yet there was a sadness there.
‘Um. Hi,’ he said. ‘Did you want me?’
She flinched. ‘Yes. Come in, please.’
He followed her to the living room. Robyn didn’t invite him to take a seat. She just stood there, looking at him, still with that odd expression on her face.
‘So Ash said it was something about the club?’ he prompted.
‘Oh. No. I mean, that was just an excuse to get you here.’
He frowned. ‘Bloom, what is it?’
‘Your brother proposed to me tonight, Will.’
‘So I heard.’
‘I said no.’
‘I heard that too. How come?’
‘Well I’d realised I was in love with someone else, so it didn’t feel right really.’
He stared at her. ‘I’m sorry, what?’
‘You heard me.’ She gave a short laugh. ‘It’s funny, there was a time when this was exactly what I thought I wanted. But when it happened, it was all wrong. Not the proposal, that was perfect. But the wrong man.’ She looked at him for a moment before she spoke again. ‘The wrong brother.’
Will took an unconscious step backwards.
‘What?’ he whispered.
‘It’s you, Will. I think maybe it always was.’
‘You… you can’t mean that.’
‘I do. I’m sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘And you feel it too, don’t you? I was piecing it all together on the drive home, and I get it now. The odd behaviour, avoiding me, how tired you’ve been lately…’
He looked down at the carpet. ‘Don’t do this, Robyn.’
‘I have to.’ She dipped her head to catch his eye. ‘When you asked me to stay away from you, I thought you were angry with me. But you weren’t, Will, were you?’
‘No.’ There didn’t seem any point lying, not now she’d worked it out. They may as well get the whole sorry business out in the open before they said a last goodbye.
‘You wanted me out of your way because…’
‘…because I couldn’t be near you. Not without wanting something I could never have.’
‘So you do feel the same?’
‘Yes, Robyn.’ He gave a mirthless laugh. ‘For all the difference it makes.’
For a long moment they just stood in silence, looking at each other. Will could feel himself trembling – longing to take her in his arms; knowing he couldn’t.
‘I guess we’re screwed then,’ Robyn said at last.
‘You know we couldn’t ever… Robyn, me and you…’
‘I know.’ Her eyes had filled with tears, but she managed to smile. ‘So this is goodbye, I suppose. I just wanted to get everything clear before we said it.’
Will’s voice broke with a sob. ‘Robyn…’
‘Call me Bloom. I like it.’
She came to him and planted a single, soft kiss on his rough cheek.
‘Keep the stubble,’ she whispered. ‘You ought to be the handsome one.’
Giving in, he pulled her into his arms and embraced her fiercely.
‘Bloom, I love you,’ he whispered, his voice choked. ‘God, I love you so much. I tried so hard to fight it, but I… I wasn’t strong enough.’
‘I’m sorry, Will.’ He could feel her body moving against his, shuddering with broken sobs. ‘I didn’t know.’
He buried his face in her hair, breathing her in. ‘I don’t think I can do this. I can’t let you go now, I just can’t.’
‘Me too, I feel it too,’ she sobbed, planting wet kisses into his neck. ‘But what choice have we got? You know you never could. You’re too good a man.’
‘I’m sick of being the good one. Dependable, responsible, grown-up fucking Will. What about what I want – what I feel?’
She held him back to look into his eyes.
‘So do it then,’ she said in a low voice.
‘What?’
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him: a proper, unchaste kiss, slow and exploring. Pushing against her shoulders, Will let himself kiss her back, losing himself in something he thought he’d never get to experience while he was awake.
‘Come upstairs with me,’ Robyn whispered breathlessly when she drew away.
‘Oh… God.’ He groaned and turned his face to the floor, his eyes clenched shut, his fingers pressing hard into her shoulders.
‘I know you want to, Will. Come to bed.’
He was silent for what felt like a very long time, his forehead resting against her crown.
Why shouldn’t he? He loved her – he wasn’t sure now, looking back, that he hadn’t loved her first. When he thought about it, he realised he’d been fighting this for years, lying to himself all the while because he knew Ash wanted her too. But what right did Ash have? It was Will Robyn loved, not Ash. He’d sacrificed so many things for his brother, but his heart? That felt like one sacrifice too many.
But then he pictured Ash’s face: the pain that would be written there if he discovered his brother had betrayed him. The person Ash loved and trusted most in the world…
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘No, Bloom, I… Christ, I want to. But I couldn’t ever do that to him.’
Robyn smiled. ‘I know it.’ She planted a kiss on a cheek now wet with tears. ‘I’ll miss you.’
He drew gentle fingertips over her face. ‘Robyn Bloom,’ he whispered brokenly. ‘I’ll always remember you as being the most… the most perfect…’ He laughed through his sobs. ‘You’ve ruined me for other women, you know that?’
‘No I haven’t. You’ll meet someone one day and you’ll never think of me again.’
‘If you believe that, you’re a bigger fool than I was when I let myself fall for you.’ He kissed her softly. ‘I’ll see you around, Bloomy. Don’t forget me.’
‘Never.’
He went to the door, paused a moment with his hand on the knob, then turned to face her.
‘Ash… he’s a good man in his heart. The best I know.’
She laughed, shaking her head. ‘I don’t believe it. You’re still fighting his corner, aren’t you? Even now.’
‘He could make you happy. I think he’s earned another chance to try.’
‘But I don’t love Ash, Will. I love you.’
‘But that’s… we couldn’t ever be together, we both know that. You could have a good life with Ash.’
‘I won’t take Ash as a consolation prize because I can’t have you. That wouldn’t be fair on any of us.’
He sighed. ‘No, I don’t suppose it would. But maybe, given time… I want to see you happy, even if i
t hurts. I love you both.’
‘You really think Ash could make me happy? Now?’
‘After some time to get over this, if I lived away for a while, then perhaps…’
‘No, Will. No.’ She looked almost angry, turning away from him. ‘If I can’t be with you, I’m sure as hell not going to settle for someone who looks like you and isn’t.’ Her shoulders shook as sobs racked her body. ‘That’d be… like torture.’
‘Robyn…’ He made a move to embrace her, but she waved him away.
‘Go, please,’ she said in a choked voice. ‘Before we end up doing something we’ll both regret.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Will whispered, his shoulders slumping. He felt compelled to apologise, although he wasn’t quite sure what for. He rested one hand briefly against her arm, then left the house.
‘What did she want then?’ Ash called when he heard his brother come back in. Will hastily wiped his face and tried to fix his features.
‘Oh, just shop talk,’ he said, going into the living room and pretending to examine a shelf of books. ‘She wanted my feedback on two competing quotes from instructors.’
‘What’re we doing next meeting anyway?’
Will racked his brains. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember.
‘Er, it’s a surprise.’
Ash frowned. ‘Was that all she wanted? You sound choked up.’
‘Just a bit of hay fever. You know the cherry blossom on her front lawn always brings it on.’ Will finally managed to gain control of his twitching features and turned to face his brother. ‘Ash, let’s get out of here.’
‘Eh?’
‘I’ve got a couple of days off for Easter, and you’ve got nowhere you need to be. Let’s ask the Brig if we can use his caravan. We’ll go walking, watch some sport, get drunk – a proper Barnes brothers’ holiday. What do you say?’
‘It’s a bit short notice, Will.’ Ash looked at him for a moment, taking in the pale, drawn features and puffy eyes. ‘But you could use a break. So could I, after tonight’s disappointment. All right, if the place is free then we’ll head off tomorrow.’
‘In the morning,’ Will said. ‘First thing.’
‘Bloody hell, you’re keen.’
The Never Have I Ever Club Page 30
