If I Didn't Care (Wishing For A Hero #1)

by Kait Nolan

  She emerged from the hall bathroom, still gloriously naked, stopping short when she saw him. Her smile faded, expression turning stricken. “Please tell me you don’t regret what we just did.”

  He crossed to her in two strides, taking her into his arms. “No.” Whatever consequences there were, he couldn’t regret being with her.

  “Then why do you look like you’ve just been mule kicked?”

  He led her over to the sofa and sat, pulling her across his lap.

  Despite her look of concern, she snuggled in. “That’s your Very Serious Discussion face.”

  “My what?”

  “Whenever you have something to tell me that you think is going to upset me, you get this look on your face. And you always touch me. Albeit never quite like this. I’ve always thought it was for my benefit, but now I’m wondering if it goes both ways.”

  The arm she slid around his shoulders had her breast pressing against his chest and almost distracted him from what he needed to say.

  “Started out for you. But after the hospital, yeah, just as much for me, I guess.” He rubbed a hand down her back. “Firefly, I didn’t stop to think about protection.”

  “Oh.” Her face smoothed out. “It’s fine. I’ve been on birth control since college.”

  Okay that was one concern down. “I’m clean,” he assured her.

  “I know. You’ve been a serial monogamist your whole life. I wasn’t worried.” She pressed a sweet kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Besides, I really, really enjoyed seeing you lose control.”

  It was hard to argue with the evidence of her pleasure. But that wasn’t entirely the point. Judd stroked the wet hair back from her face. “You deserved more than that. You’ve always deserved more than I’ve given you.” Guilt at the knowledge that he’d hurt her weighed heavy on his heart.

  Autumn pressed closer. “You gave me everything you could. You had your reasons for not doing this before. They were damned stupid reasons, but you thought you were doing the right thing.”

  He thought back to her shouted accusations. “I’m sorry. I never ever meant to make you feel like I was trying to silence you. I’d never in a thousand years want to make you feel like he did.”

  “It was a cheap shot. I was angry.” On a sigh, she tucked her head against the hollow of his throat. “I’ve loved you all my life, and after we both got out of the hospital, when you didn’t remember—said you didn’t remember—and never pursued anything more with me, I thought my father had made it so you couldn’t love me. That I wasn’t worth it.”

  Horrified, Judd tightened his arms around her. “No. God, no. Staying away from you all these years, not doing exactly this, took everything I had.” Along with a string of relationships that he’d known, in his heart, would never go anywhere. Judd didn’t care to analyze how much of a dick that made him.

  He felt her lips curve against his throat. “If I’d known that, I’d have given in way earlier to all those fantasies I had about jumping you.” When she lifted her head, her amusement had faded. “The truth is, you’ve always treated me as the most important person in your life on every level but this one, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.”

  “What changed?”

  “I thought you were going to marry Mary Alice.”

  “You…what? You mean that day outside Sanderson’s, when you bolted? That’s why you thought we were there?”

  “It was a logical conclusion. You don’t buy jewelry.”

  “So all this talk of leaving Wishful, leaving me, was because of her? Because you thought I was serious about her? Why didn’t you just ask?”

  “And have to test my acting skills to the max when you told me to my face you were going to marry someone else? No, thank you. I’m not that good. Not with you.”

  “I knew you were lying. But I thought you were upset about the flowers. What were you really going to tell me that day?”

  “The truth. That I love you and I wanted to be with you. I had a plan and a speech that didn’t involve losing my temper and kissing you brainless in front of the entire family. I was going to ask you to choose. But then Mark came and blew the timing, then the jewelry store happened, and I just couldn’t face you right then. So I ran. And I was going to keep running, as far as I had to. If someone else was truly going to make you happy, I could’ve given you up. But I couldn’t stick around and watch it. I’m only human.”

  He’d come so close to losing her to something that would never have happened. God, he’d been a fucking idiot.

  “There was never a choice. I love you. It’s always been you.” Overwhelmed with the desire to soothe whatever hurts he’d caused, he brushed a soft kiss over her lips. “Let me show you.”

  She melted into him without hesitation. That instant surrender sparked his blood, made him want to roll her under him. But he’d taken her hard and fast already. Now he wanted her slow. To take the time to explore the body he’d fantasized so long about, learn her taste and texture. Scooping her up, he headed for the stairs.

  “That was a perfectly good couch,” Autumn murmured against his mouth.

  “Not enough room. And we have time.” He hoped like hell it was true. He’d left his radio and phone downstairs. But surely God couldn’t be so cruel as to drag him away when they’d finally come together. He prayed everyone in town would have the sense to stay home in this foul weather.

  Pushing the thought from his mind, he laid her out on his bed and looked his fill. She was long and slim and beautiful, her wet hair spread out over the pillow.

  “Do you know how often I imagined you here, like this?”

  “I very seriously doubt it was anywhere near as much as I thought about you.”

  Judd chuckled as he lifted her leg to press a kiss to her ankle. “Probably not. I spent a lot of effort trying not to think about this. But I failed more often than not.”

  “That should’ve been a sign.”

  He paused, stroking light fingers over the tender flesh behind her knee. “I suppose my sentence will be a nice long stretch with regular reminders of how long I’ve been an idiot?”

  “It does seem fair. But it’s possible I could be induced to reduce the sentence if you proceed with efforts to make up for lost time.”

  “I have every intention of making you lose time. Hours, days, years. Isn’t that how you put it with Cooper?”

  She smiled with wicked pleasure. “Somebody paid attention.”

  “Always.”

  He slid his hands beneath her hips, dragging her to the edge of the bed so he could drape her legs over his shoulders. Those jade green eyes held not an ounce of self consciousness as she splayed out for him. Goddamn that was sexy.

  Judd rubbed his cheek against the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, loving her low moan. Eyes on hers, he pressed his mouth against her, drawing his tongue through her wet folds. Autumn cried out, hips bucking beneath him. Downstairs, Boudreaux began to bay.

  The taste of her still on his tongue, Judd lifted his head. “What the hell?”

  Even from up here, Judd could hear the dog hurling himself at the door.

  “Stay here.” He untangled himself from Autumn and sprinted for the stairs, not bothering with pants. Boudreaux’s howls turned to frantic barking. He pawed at the door, glancing back at Judd as if to say Hurry the hell up!

  Grabbing up his service weapon, Judd strode toward the door, giving the order for the dog to shush. He hauled Boudreaux back and saw the arc of wet on the floor. The door had been opened since he and Autumn came inside, shoving their clothes to one side. The deadbolt was unlocked. Wary now, he grabbed up his pants and slipped them on. He pointed for the stairs. “To Autumn. Guard.”

  Growling low in his throat, Boudreaux did as commanded. The way he was behaving, likely whoever had opened the door wasn’t inside, but to be certain, Judd did a quick sweep, clearing the lower floor and killing lights as he went. He listened hard but heard nothing out of the ordinary over the drum of rain outside
. Satisfied no one was in the house, he slipped out the front door, keeping to deep shadow.

  Something white lay on the porch a couple of feet in front of the door. A book? Judd didn’t stop to check it. Autumn’s suitcase still lay where she’d dropped it in the driveway, the contents soaked. Hopefully not all ruined. He saw no signs of a vehicle or any movement as he slowly circled the house. Not that he could see far in this fucking monsoon they were having. Whoever had tried to come in was likely long gone, using the rain for cover.

  Judd went back inside to grab a flashlight and some gloves.

  “What is it?”

  He whipped toward the stairway. Autumn stood in one of his shirts, one hand on Boudreaux, the other holding the 9mm Ruger from his nightstand by her side.

  “I told you to stay upstairs.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Someone left us a present.”

  Autumn started to come down. “No. Stay there.” She was safer out of sight.

  Judd went back outside and turned on the flashlight. An open paperback book was skewered to the porch with a hunting knife. Shining the light on the cover he saw that it was a copy of Forged in Blood, Autumn’s first book. Crouching down, he opened it and examined the knife. Standard enough fare around here. The same one could be found in probably every fourth guy’s truck in town.

  The pages were getting wet, so he yanked the knife free and carefully picked up the book by the edges, carrying it inside. He locked the door and set the evidence on the table. Autumn was still standing on the stairs.

  “You can come down now. Hit the lights.”

  She came into the room, Boudreaux tight by her side. “What is it?”

  “Your first book.” Carefully, Judd examined the shiny cover for prints, unsurprised to find none. “Didn’t know you had paperbacks.”

  “Print on demand.”

  “How does that work?”

  “Basically the book doesn’t exist until somebody orders it, so there’s nothing to warehouse. It’s more expensive than mass market paperbacks, so they aren’t a great seller. Usually just the true fans and people who don’t do ebooks. The print date will be on the last page.”

  Judd flipped the book open. Made in the USA, Charleston, SC. “It’s dated two weeks ago.” Recent enough he could check with mail services at Parchman to see if Jebediah had received a copy.

  “Is that a hole?”

  “Yeah, it was pinned to the porch with the knife.”

  “Can I touch it?”

  “No prints on it, so yeah.” He handed it over.

  She opened the book to where it’d been stabbed. As her eyes scanned the text, her face went white. “Judd, it’s been stabbed right through the line where you get shot.”

  Well if that wasn’t a fucking message, he didn’t know what was.

  Heart pounding, he picked up his radio and called it in.

  Chapter 12

  When Judd insisted on driving her to work the next morning, Autumn didn’t argue. But as she sat beside him in his cruiser, she marveled at how just riding in a car with him felt different. Her very skin seemed attuned to him, aware of his proximity without her even looking, as if he were a magnet pulling her in. Despite having never kissed before yesterday, they’d always had deeper intimacy than normal friends. She’d slept with him countless times. She knew his face, his body language, his history, every tone of his voice. And now she knew his body, how it fit with hers. In all her fantasies—and she’d had plenty—she’d never imagined that waking up with him this morning would be so much different. That physical intimacy could deepen what she felt for him, when she’d already felt so much.

  It’d been late by the time his officers left. The scene had been processed and she’d gone through her encounter with her father at the diner. Judd had already confirmed Jebediah hadn’t left the Mockingbird Motel during the time in question, so it hadn’t been him who’d paid them a visit. But they were already operating under the assumption that he had someone else doing his legwork.

  Would he go so far as to have someone else make an attempt on Judd’s life? That was the fear that took her by the throat in the deep hours of the night. She’d turned to him in the dark, taking comfort in his body as she’d never been able to do in the past. They’d made desperate love until nearly dawn, but the light didn’t banish the shadows.

  She couldn’t lose him. Not now.

  But mixed up with the fear was a profound sense of happiness as he walked her into the library, her hand firmly wrapped in his. After all these years, they were finally, truly together. Inside, he made a full sweep of the place while she went through the routine of opening for the day. Satisfied the building was clear, he came back to the circulation desk.

  “When does somebody else get here?”

  “Mitzi’s usually in by 8:30. Livia’s on the schedule this morning, too, so she’ll be here in a little while. She’s not a morning person, so she’ll stop by The Grind first. I haven’t looked at the volunteer list yet.”

  “Okay. I’ll just stick around for a few minutes.”

  “I can lock the door until they get here if you need to get going.”

  “Benefits of being the boss,” he said. “Besides, if I stay, I get to do this.” He crowded her back against the desk, boosting her up to sit on its edge.

  Autumn automatically parted her legs to accommodate his big body as he leaned in.

  “Have I mentioned how much these little dresses you bought drive me insane?” His hands slid up her thighs, beneath the skirt.

  “You have not.” Autumn couldn’t even be annoyed her voice came out breathy because she was already thinking about the easy access the dresses provided and wondering how long they really had.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see you in one and not think about last night.”

  One hand slid higher and her breath hitched. “Are you really doing what I think you’re doing?”

  His eyes held a wicked gleam. “I did promise to make up for lost time.”

  Her reply turned to a gasp as he drew a thumb down her center.

  He growled. “Jesus, you’re drenched.”

  “You have no idea how much time I spend in that state when you’re around.”

  “Dangerous knowledge, Firefly.”

  “Depends on what you do with it.”

  “I’d say that qualifies as actionable intel.” He nudged the panel of cotton aside and stroked slowly through her wet folds.

  Autumn clutched at his shoulders, shifting restlessly on the counter. “We don’t have much time.”

  His smile was slow and wicked. “Don’t need much.” He slid a finger inside her.

  She cried out, the echo of it lost as he took her mouth. Her body, already sensitive, sparked like wildfire to his touch. She lost the fear, lost the worry, lost everything but the sensations building as he worked her.

  He was right. It didn’t take long.

  He slid a second finger in with the first, and she clenched around the extra fullness. His fingers curled, a seductive stroke inside her that seemed to beckon, Come for me. He did it again, thrusting his tongue against hers in blatant possession, and she shattered in his hand, screamed into his mouth.

  Judd held her through the trembling aftershocks, then slowly removed his hand, tugging her panties back in place, smoothing down her skirt. The look of smug satisfaction on his face had her planning erotic retribution at the earliest opportunity.

  “Jesus God. The shower wasn’t enough this morning?” she gasped.

  He helped her down from the counter. “I’ll never get enough of you.”

  This time, when he kissed her, it was sweet.

  “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.”

  Though Autumn jolted, Judd didn’t break the kiss until he was good and ready.

  “Hey Livia.”

  “Hey Judd.”

  Autumn could hear the grin in her friend’s voice. She pressed her flaming face into Judd’s chest and wondered if
she had a neon sign over her head that said Just received amazing, non-battery assisted orgasm on our workplace counter.

  “So you two finally—”

  “Yeah,” he said.

  Autumn supposed it didn’t actually matter how Livia had planned to finish that sentence.

  “That’s awesome.”

  “It is.” He turned his attention back to Autumn, lifting her chin. “I need to get to work. What’s your plan for the rest of the day?”

  “I’m done with my shift at two, then I thought I’d finally get back to work on the third book. I know how it ends now.”

  “With Cooper.” It wasn’t a question and she grinned.

  “With Cooper.” And it would take considerable work to go back and untangle the mess of plot threads she’d used to try and force Darcy to end up with Fletcher.

  “Where will you be working?”

  She’d have preferred privacy but knew going out to the house alone was out of the question. “I thought I’d set up at The Grind. One of the booths upstairs.”

  “I’ll send an escort and be by to pick you up myself before we head to Mom and Dad’s for the twins’ birthday. If you need to go somewhere before that, let me know.”

  “Okay.”

  He kissed her again, easily, as if he’d been doing it for years, then headed for the front door.

  “Judd.” When he turned, Autumn called, “Be careful.”

  He gave a smart salute with the hand he’d used to take her to heaven, then left for work.

  As soon as the door shut behind him, Livia stomped her feet and squealed. “Oh my God, tell me everything! You have beard burn on your throat.”

  She had beard burn in quite a few places this morning.

  Not knowing where to start, she went straight to the most important point. “He loves me.”

  “Well there is the world’s biggest non-newsflash.”

  “Okay, fine. He admitted and acted on it.”

  “That’s more like it. Details, girl.”

  As the door opened and their first patrons of the day trickled in, the story had to wait. But over the course of their shift, Autumn managed to fill Livia in on all the pertinent details. She was an incredibly satisfying audience, squeeing and gasping in all the right places. It made it easier to focus on the bubbles of happy instead of the worry underscoring everything.