My plan is to never give up on him, to search for a way to get him back even if it takes the rest of my life. I can’t live without him, there’s no future without him in it.
I should’ve enjoyed my time with him more, loved him harder. I regret breaking his heart the night before his death and I can only pray that he understands why I did it.
I was too afraid, too scared that he would get hurt if he was close to me. If I wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to protect him, I could’ve spent more time loving him.
I wish I could see spirits again. Because I can’t, I feel like I’ve lost everyone that I love all at the same time. I lost my grandmother, my grandfather, Thaddeus, Sire, and Adam all in the same week. South Carolina’s never seen so much snow; especially in May.
There are days when I feel him near me, like I can reach out and touch him. I can’t see him, but I know he never leaves me. That could just be my crazy coming out though. I’m pretty sure I’m going crazy.
Sometimes I talk to him and I smile to myself because I can only imagine what he’s saying back to me—something witty and sarcastic or something flirty and full of sexual innuendos. If only I could hear his voice again just one more time.
I leave my house for the first time today. I don’t go past the porch, but at least I’m outdoors. I secretly don’t think I’ll make it through this. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of one day seeing him again. I know in my heart we’ll be together again.
I haven’t used my magic since that day on the beach. If it was up to me I’d never use it again once I bring my family and Adam back. This torture, this hurt, it’s all because of my magic. If I lived a normal life, I wouldn’t know this pain. Then again, I wouldn’t have known Adam either. It’s a double-edged sword that stabs regardless of which way it’s turned.
Tonight, I sleep alone in my quiet room. My house has life now that Bernie and Lesley live here. It’s even livelier when her brother Ben visits; still, my room has an unsettling silence. I relax in my bed and listen to the sounds from the floor below me. So much life and I’m not a part of it anymore.
I suddenly have the feeling I’m not alone.
I sit up quickly expecting to see someone standing across the room from me. I hope to see Adam staring back at me. I sense him—I know he’s there. I look across the room to the big empty space and cry. I miss him so much!
I feel warmth cover me as if I’m being hugged. There’s no one there, but I’m definitely being hugged.
“I can’t see you, but I know you’re there,” I whisper into my dark room. “I miss you so much. I love you, Adam.”
I fall asleep wrapped in warmth. It’s possible that it’s all in my head, my crazy getting worse. I don’t care though. I spent the night in Adam’s arms.
I used to see spirits so I know it’s possible. My grandfather once told me that he felt my grandmother near. He said their love was stronger than death. It’s the same for me and Adam.
The next day, I spend hours in the library searching for something that will give me my eye back. I want to see him; I need to see him. It’s awful when you know the person you love is standing right next to you, but you can’t see them.
I’m standing on the top of the library ladder when I lose my footing. I grab onto the top shelve and hold on as the ladder slips from underneath me. It’s been a while since I’ve used my magic so my fingers tingle. But before I can save myself, I feel two strong hands grab me from behind.
Adam!
When my feet touch the floor I spin around expecting to see his face—it’s Ben.
“Lucky for you I was passing by the door. Otherwise you could’ve fallen and broken something,” his handsome face smiles back at me.
I stare at his perfect smile until his eyes catch my attention. I can’t look away, I stand there gazing into his eyes likes he’s the love of my life.
“There you are!” I hear Bernie from the door. “You’re not in here harassing Mage, are you?”
He looks away.
“What do you want, brat?” he asks jokingly.
“I don’t want you, Mom does,” she sticks her tongue out at him.
They look nothing alike. They have the same mousy brown hair, but it ends there. He’s tall, not short and chunky like Bernie. Instead of the brown eyes, he has mesmerizing green eyes that are gorgeous and familiar. Every time his eyes connect with mine, I think of Adam.
Chapter 29
Intruder Alert
The College of Charleston is having some kind of student holiday. Ben’s coming to stay with his mom and sister for a few weeks and since they live here now—he’s coming to stay in my home.
Three weeks ago, they got out of their previous lease and moved all their things in. This is good and bad. Good because I’m not alone and I’m not sitting in some foster home somewhere—bad because even if I wanted to I can’t use my magic when they’re around. The worst part is Ben’s staying in my home. He’s a nice guy and all, but every time I look into his big green eyes all I see is Adam.
I spend my days avoiding him at all costs. Something about him sets off an alarm with me. We don’t talk much; mostly just stare at each other strangely.
His eyes are too much for me, I can’t look away once they catch me. Three days pass and I still haven’t had any kind of real conversation with Ben. It’s what I have to do to keep my sanity, even if he thinks I’m rude.
Its Saturday today, and the weather outside is nice compared to the huge amounts of snow we’ve been getting. The weather forecasters are calling the state of South Carolina possessed. I can’t remember the last time the town of Summerville had weather that was forecasted. But it’s not raining or snowing today and that’s always a good thing.
I venture out of the house, finally leaving the front porch. I find myself in Adam’s garden and I’m reminded of my sixteenth birthday. I remember the butterfly and the happiness I felt in that moment. For a brief few minutes, I sit on the marble bench and become bathed in a stream of sunlight that’s managed to escape through the gloom of clouds.
I reach inside my shirt collar and collect the necklace that Adam had given me for my birthday. I sit and hold the charm in my hand relieved that I still have it.
“This place is beautiful, almost as beautiful as you.”
I open my eyes and find Ben leaning against a magnolia tree with a coy smile on his face. The heavenly piece of sunlight is covered instantly by a dark cloud. He doesn’t seem to notice. He slowly steps away from his post and starts towards me.
Something about him makes me uncomfortable. He doesn’t give a bad feeling, but he’s showing me too much attention—smiling at me in ways that remind me of Adam. I don’t like it. His smile makes me feel guilty.
“I was sorry to hear about your friend. Bernie told me a little bit about what happened.”
“Thank you,” I respond politely.
I need to get away. The mention of Adam makes me feel panicked and I have the sudden urge to run back to the house. I turn quickly and start walking. He follows behind me.
“Wait,” he calls out. “Did I do something to you to make you hate me so much?”
“I don’t hate you. I don’t know you,” I keep walking.
“Then why do you look at me like that?”
That catches my attention and I stop to face him.
“And how exactly do I look at you?” I say rudely.
“Like that—like you hate me—like I…” he stops.
“Like you, what?”
“Like I broke your heart, like I ripped it out and tore it to pieces. Mage, if there’s anything I’ve said or done, I really am sorry.”
I stare back at him in shock. Do I really look at him like that?
My heart was ripped out and torn into tiny pieces. My heart’s been stepped on and spit on and the pain is unbearable. I feel a surge of that exact pain stab me in my heart. It’s not my fault that Ben’s eyes look exactly like Adam’s. It’s not my fault
that every time I look at him I die a little more inside.
“Wow,” he says as he takes a step back.
I suddenly feel uncomfortable with him staring at me—like I’m exposed. He’s looking at me like I’m some kind of wounded animal that he wants to rescue, an orphaned child that he wants to give a home to.
“What?” I ask.
“You’re really hurting, aren’t you? I’ve never seen so much pain on someone’s face in my life.”
Had my face really showed that much pain? Is it possible to make a facial expression and not know you’re making it? Why do I even care if someone knows I’m hurting? People hurt, that’s what we do!
The tears come before I can stop them. It’s been days since I’ve cried and it feels good to release some of the pressure and pain from my chest.
I feel Ben put his arms around me and instead of pushing him away like I want to, I stand there and relish in his warmth. As sick as it sounds, I close my eyes and imagine that it’s Adam who’s hugging me. It works.
He feels like Adam. They’re about the same size and as long as my eyes are closed, Adam’s the one holding me. He’s the one softly rubbing my back and whispering soothing words in my ear. It’s his warm lips on the corner of my mouth, and it’s Adam who’s softly kissing my tears away.
Without realizing what I’m doing, I slowly slide my arms around his neck and kiss him back. In my mind, I’m in a meadow of flowers in Adam’s arms and for a brief few seconds all the pain from the last few months is gone. I’m happy again in that moment. Then reality kicks in. This is not Adam! Adam’s dead!
I push back immediately and catch my breath. Ben stares back at me in shock with a touch of guilt. Without thinking, I reach up and slap his face. I feel the tears come back as I turn and run away. I don’t pay attention to the area around me. I leave Ben standing there rubbing his cheek where I had just slapped him. He’s standing there dazed and confused, staring at all the newly bloomed flowers and trees that were all dead, cold, and non-existent less than two minutes ago.
I end up in the library lying across the big desk crying my eyes out. I start hating myself all over again. What kind of sick person am I?
I’m the kind of person who’s so in love with someone else that I kiss strangers. What’s happening to me? I’m going crazy, like for real crazy. I need to seriously consider having myself admitted somewhere safe. I feel horrible for what I’ve just done. I’m a bad person. I’ve deceived Adam, and he probably watched the whole thing.
“I’m so sorry, Adam. Please forgive me,” I cry out loud.
I miss him! I miss my family! This is not acceptable!
I jump up again, determined to find a spell in this library to bring back my eye. I could kick myself for not paying closer attention to every spell I had read. I didn’t read them all because I figured they were so useless to me. All I could think about when I was reading them before was finding out who I was. Now, I just want a spell to bring back Adam and my family. I don’t care if I can’t touch them; I just need to see them.
I’m interrupted two hours later by Bernie.
“Some lady’s at the door for you, Mage,” she scrunches up her nose at the messy library around me.
“Thanks,” I say.
I get up and follow her to the front door where an older lady stands smiling back at me. I would have noticed her anywhere with those big green eyes. Mrs. Westcott is a beauty and her son looked just like her.
Chapter 30
The Retrieval
“Hi, Mage—It’s nice to finally meet you,” Mrs. Westcott nervously smiles back at me. “I’m sorry to stop by unexpected, but I have a few of your things at my house and I’d love it if you stopped by.”
“You have some of my things?” I ask confused.
Apparently, the search for Adam has ended and the police have returned his truck, along with my things, back to his mother. I’m angry that they’ve given up even though I know they’d never find him and if they did, he’s dead. They barely questioned me before and I was the last person to see him.
I wonder to myself why Mrs. Westcott didn’t just bring my things with her. She answers my question when she tells me she wants me to come to her house for a talk. She must’ve thought that I wouldn’t have come to her house without some kind of incentive. I agree to stop by later and tell her goodbye at the door.
The walk to Adam’s house has so many memories of my life before it was ripped away from me. The further I walk, the sadder I become. When I make it to his driveway, I feel like I can’t breathe. Parked in front of me is Adam’s truck. The pressure in my chest feels like it’s going to explode.
I see Mrs. Westcott standing at the living room window staring out at me, but I don’t care. I walk up to the truck and run my finger down the side. The memory of Adam jumping on the bed thanking me for this new paint job brings a smile to my face.
The memories of all the times Adam and I spent together invade my mind. All the times we laughed together and all the times he held me and made everything go away. The hurt feels good and the tears this time are tears of love and happiness.
I open the truck door and the inside still smells like him. Another tear rolls down my cheek.
I climb up into the cab of Adam’s truck. His scent invades my senses and I suddenly feel as if he’s near me again. I curl up into the fetal position and breathe him in.
Something shiny on the floor catches my attention. I reach down to retrieve it. I cry harder when I see what it is. Lying on the floor of Adam’s truck, almost as if it had been left there for me, is Adam’s necklace—the other half of mine. I scoop it up and clench it in my fist. I’ll wear it forever, or at least until I can give it back to him.
An hour passes before Mrs. Westcott comes outside for me. She doesn’t speak as she wraps a jacket around my shoulders and walks me into her house.
Adam’s little sister, Annabelle, is sitting on the couch watching cartoons. I follow Mrs. Westcott into the kitchen where she fixes us each a cup of hot chocolate. It’s not until we are both sitting at the kitchen table with a cup in hand, that she first speaks. She too has the dark circles of mourning under her dimly lit green eyes.
“He talked about you often, you know?”
I hold the steaming cup in my hand and blow at the top trying to cool it.
“Did he?” the pain in my chest spreads throughout my body.
“Oh, yes. Adam and I were extremely close. He told me everything…”
I look up abruptly when she says the word, everything. He wouldn’t have told her about my magic, would he?
She continues.
“They’re never going to find him are they, Mage?” tears begin to form in her eyes.
What am I supposed to tell her? There’s nothing I can say to make it better. I can’t guarantee her anything. I want to tell her so badly that I’ll never give up. I want to tell her that I’ll keep searching for a way to bring him back until my heart stops. But I can’t. Instead, I reach across the table and lay my hand over hers.
“I don’t care what you have to do, Mage. Just bring him back to us,” she whispers.
I’m caught off guard. Does she know what I can do? Did Adam tell her everything about me? I suddenly feel betrayed. How could he do that to me? I thought he held all my secrets. I thought he loved me enough to keep my secrets, no matter what.
She answers as if she can hear my thoughts.
“He didn’t tell me. You hear things around town, especially in a small town like Summerville. I never believed them, not until the day when you and Adam were in my front yard arguing. I saw what you did to his truck just by pointing at it.”
I feel my entire body go stiff. This is bad…this is really bad!
Why did I do that? Adam had warned me that his mother might see, but I didn’t care! All I cared about was getting him back and now here I am, face-to-face with yet another person who knows my secrets. Soon, the whole town will know and I’ll be banished. Either banis
hed or strung up and burned alive like a witch in the old days.
“I’ll never tell another living soul, Mage. You have my word. Please, anything you can do—just do it. If I can help in anyway, anyway at all, you just say the words,” this time it’s her who’s squeezing my hand. “He loved you very much, you know? He told me that. He told me that he’d found the one,” she smiles fondly at me. “I remember that day. He was so happy and I could tell just by looking at him, that my son was in love.”
My heart breaks into a million pieces all over again. More tears come as I squeeze her hand back in a very reassuring way.
“I’ll do everything in my power…I promise.”
Chapter 31
The Enchanted
When I get home I feel better. My talk with Mrs. Westcott rejuvenated me somehow. When I walk through the front door, I instantly notice Ben waiting in the living room for me. This is so not what I need right now.
I plan on quickly taking the stairs to my bedroom and pretending that I don’t see him, but he speaks and so I have to acknowledge him.
“We need to talk,” his voice is stern.
I walk into the living room and sit on the old wing back chair across from him.
“What was that?” he asks.
“What?” I pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about.
“The kiss! What was that all about?”
“I don’t know, Ben,” I sigh. “That kiss was a mistake. I’m really sorry! It was a huge mistake that shouldn’t have happened.”
“Don’t say that! It didn’t feel like a mistake to me and I don’t think it did to you either. I’ve never had a girl kiss me the way that you kissed me. It was…you’re just so…you’re so unbelievable.”
I flinch. Those are the exact same words that Adam used after our first kiss.
Mage, you’re just so unbelievable.
I can still hear his voice.
I can’t tell Ben that the only reason I kissed him is because I was imagining he was Adam. I can’t tell him the reason the kiss was so amazing is because in my mind I was kissing the love of my life. There’s nothing I can say to make this better.
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