The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Page 16
THE KEY TO ALL CONFLICT RESOLUTION
In the chapters ahead you will find specific techniques that will help you to manage your marital troubles, whether perpetual or solvable. But first, some overall advice. The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones.
* * *
You may discover that your partner is more conciliatory during arguments than you realized—once you know what to listen for.
* * *
It’s probably easiest to acknowledge this truth if you think about it from your own perspective. Say you want your spouse’s advice on handling a disagreement you’re having with your boss. If your spouse immediately begins criticizing you and insisting that your boss is right, you’re wrong, and what’s the matter with you for picking a fight with your boss anyway, you’d probably regret having brought it up. Most likely you’d get defensive, angry, offended, hurt, or any combination of these. And yet your spouse might honestly say, “But I was only trying to help.” There’s a big difference between “You are such a lousy driver. Would you please slow down before you kill us?” and “I know how much you enjoy driving fast. But it makes me really nervous when you go over the speed limit. Could you please slow down?”
Maybe that second approach takes a bit longer. But that extra time is worth it since it is the only approach that works. It’s just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.
Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. We now know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions (“That doggie scared you,” “You’re crying because you’re sad right now,” “You sound very angry. Let’s talk about it”) rather than belittle or punish them for their feelings (“It’s silly to be afraid of such a little dog,” “Big boys don’t cry,” “No angry bears allowed in this house—go to your room till you calm down”). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared. This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself, which makes positive growth and change possible. The same is true for adults. In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.
Another important lesson I have learned is that in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities. The following exercise will, I hope, help you come to see that by walking you through an analysis of the last argument you had—of either type.
Exercise: Your Last Argument
Answer the questions below in regard to the last argument you two had. You’ll see that this exercise is very similar to the one on p. 93 (“What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Turn toward You”). That’s because both of these situations are founded in what I call “subjective reality.” In other words, when you and your spouse are not in sync, either in little ways (not turning toward each other) or in bigger ways (actually fighting), your perspectives on what happened and why are likely to be very different. Whether your conflict is perpetual or solvable, you’ll find coping with it far easier the more you are able to respect each other’s point of view, even if it is very different from your own.
There is no answer key for the following questions. Use them to spark some mutual soul-searching with your spouse.
During this argument I felt:
1.
Defensive.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
2.
Hurt.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
3.
Angry.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
4.
Sad.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
5.
Misunderstood.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
6.
Criticized.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
7.
Worried.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
8.
Righteously indignant.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
9.
Unappreciated.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
10.
Unattractive.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
11.
Disgusted.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
12.
Disapproving.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
13.
Like leaving.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
14.
Like my opinions didn’t matter.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
15.
I had no idea
what I was feeling.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
16.
Lonely.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
What triggered these feelings?
1.
I felt excluded.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
2.
I was not important to my spouse.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
3.
I felt cold toward my spouse.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
4.
I definitely felt
rejected.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
5.
I was criticized.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
6.
I felt no affection toward my partner.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
7.
I felt that my partner was not attracted to me.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All<
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8.
My sense of dignity was being compromised.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
9.
My partner was being domineering.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
10.
I could not persuade my partner at all.
A Great Deal
Definitely
A Little
Not at All
Now that you know what triggered this episode, it’s time to see whether your emotional reaction is rooted in your past. Look over your answers to the “Who Am I?” exercise on p. 56. See if you can find connections there between earlier traumas or behavior and the current situation. Use the checklist below to facilitate this search for links between the past and present.
This recent argument was rooted in:
(check all that apply)
__ The way I was treated in my family growing up
__ A previous relationship
__ Past injuries, hard times, or traumas I’ve suffered
__ My basic fears and insecurities
__ Things and events I have not yet resolved or put aside
__ Unrealized hopes I have
__ Ways other people treated me in the past
__ Things I have always thought about myself
__ Old “nightmares” or “catastrophes” I have worried about
After you’ve read each other’s answers above, you will, I hope, come to see that we are all complicated creatures whose actions and reactions are governed by a wide array of perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and memories. In other words, reality is subjective, which is why your partner’s perspective on the argument may be different from yours without either of you being right or wrong about what really happened.
It’s natural to make the fundamental error of believing that the fight is all your partner’s fault. To break the pattern, you both need to admit some role (however slight at first) in creating the conflict. In order to do that, read the following list and circle all that apply to you and that may have contributed to the argument. (Do not try to do this until you have calmed down physiologically. Follow the steps for self-soothing on p. 176 and then let go of thoughts that maintain the distress: thoughts of feeling misunderstood, righteous indignation, or innocent victimhood.)
1.
I have been very stressed and irritable lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
2.
I have not expressed much appreciation toward my spouse lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
3.
I have been overly sensitive lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
4.
I have been overly critical lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
5.
I have not shared very much of my inner world.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
6.
I have been depressed lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
7.
I would say that I have a chip on my shoulder lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
8.
I have not been very affectionate.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
9.
I have not been a very good listener lately.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
10.
I have been feeling a bit like a martyr.
Yes, Definitely
Maybe a Little
Overall, my contribution to this mess was:
How can I make this better in the future?
What one thing could my partner do next time to avoid this argument?
If, after working through this exercise, you or your spouse still find it hard to accept each other’s perspective, it may help you to work together more on the exercises in Chapter 4 (strengthening your fondness and admiration system). I have found that couples who have remained happily married for many years are able to enjoy each other—foibles and all—because of the strength of their fondness and admiration. Many of the older couples I studied with colleagues Bob Levenson and Laura Carstensen in long time—some for more than forty years. Through the course of their marriages, they had learned to view their partners’ shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package of their spouse’s character and personality.
One wife, for example, accepted with a chuckle that her husband would never stop being a Dagwood—always running late and frantic. She found ways around it. Whenever they had to get to the airport, she’d tell him their plane left thirty minutes sooner than the actual takeoff time. He knew she was deceiving him, and they laughed about it. Then there was the husband who looked upon his wife’s weekly shopping sprees with as much amusement as dread, even though her shopping style made bill-paying very confusing—she almost always returned about half of her purchases.
Somehow couples such as these have learned to mellow about their partner’s faults. So although they communicate to each other every emotion in the spectrum, including anger, irritability, disappointment, and hurt, they also communicate their fundamental fondness and respect. Whatever issue they are discussing, they give each other the message that they love and accept each other, “warts and all.”
When couples are not able to do this, sometimes the problem is that they are unable to forgive each other for past differences. It’s all too easy to hold a grudge. For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden. As Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, mercy is “twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.”
8
Principle 5:
Solve Your Solvable Problems
It stands to reason that when a husband and wife respect each other and are open to each other’s point of view, they have a good basis for resolving any differences that arise. And yet too often couples lose their way when trying to persuade each other or settle disagreements. A conversation that could have been productive instead ends in a screaming match or angry silence. If this sounds like you, and you’re certain the problem you want to tackle is indeed solvable (see Chapter 7), then the key to resolving this difficulty is to learn a new approach to settling conflict. (The advice offered here will also be somewhat helpful in coping with gridlocked problems, but it won’t be enough. To break the stranglehold a perpetual problem has on your marriage, be sure to read about Principle 6, “Overcome Gridlock,” in Chapter 10.)
The popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marital therapists, is to attempt to put yourself in your partner’s shoes while listening intently to what he or she says, and then to communicate empathetically that you see the dilemma from his or her perspective. It’s not a bad method—if you can do it. But, as I’ve said, many couples can’t—including many very happily married couples. Plenty of the people we studied who had enviable, loving relationships did not follow the experts’ rules of communication when they argued. But they were still able to resolve their conflicts.
By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps:
1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults
These steps take very little “training” because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just get out of the habit of using them in our mo
st intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, “Here. You forgot your umbrella.” We would never think of saying, “What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?” We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, “No problem. Would you like another glass?” not, “You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right, can I? I will never invite you to my home again.”
Remember Dr. Rory, who was so nasty to his wife during their Christmas Day picnic at the hospital? When a resident phoned, he was very pleasant to him. This is not an infrequent phenomenon. In the midst of a bitter dispute, the husband or wife picks up a ringing telephone and is suddenly all smiles: “Oh, hi. Yes, it would be great to have lunch. No problem, Tuesday would be fine. Oh, I am so sorry to hear that you didn’t get the job. You must feel so disappointed,” and so on. Suddenly the angry, rigid spouse has been transformed into a flexible, rational, understanding, and compassionate being—until the phone call is over. Then he or she just as suddenly morphs back into someone scowling and immovable all for the partner’s benefit. It just doesn’t have to be that way. Keep in mind, as you work your way through these steps, that what’s really being asked of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you.