Partings. Make sure that before you say good-bye in the morning you’ve learned about one thing that is happening in your spouse’s life that day—from lunch with the boss to a doctor’s appointment to a scheduled phone call with an old friend.
Time: 2 minutes a day × 5 working days
Total: 10 minutes
Reunions. Be sure to engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday (see page 87).
Time: 20 minutes a day × 5 days
Total: 1 hour 40 minutes
Admiration and appreciation. Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.
Time: 5 minutes a day × 7 days
Total: 35 minutes
Affection. Kiss, hold, grab, and touch each other during the time you’re together. Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. Think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
Time: 5 minutes a day × 7 days
Total: 35 minutes
Weekly date. This can be a relaxing, low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions that let you update your love maps and turn toward each other. (Of course, you can also use these dates to talk out a marital issue or work through an argument you had that week, if necessary.) Think of questions to ask your spouse (like “Are you still thinking about redecorating the bedroom?” “Where should we take our next vacation?” or “How are you feeling about your boss these days?”).
Time: 2 hours once a week
Total: 2 hours
Grand Total: Five hours!
As you can see, the amount of time involved in incorporating these changes into your relationship is quite minimal. Yet these five hours will help enormously in keeping your marriage on track.
* * *
Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.
* * *
THE MARITAL POOP DETECTOR
Some marriage “experts” claim that a significant cause of unhappiness in marriage is that husbands and wives just have overblown expectations of each other. By lowering these expectations, the argument goes, you become less likely to feel disappointment. But Donald Baucom, Ph.D., of the University of North Carolina has debunked this idea thoroughly by studying couples’ standards and expectations of each other. He has found that people with the highest expectations for their marriage usually wind up with the highest-quality marriages. This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.
Our research on newlyweds confirms what Baucom found. The couples we studied who adjusted to high levels of negativity (irritability, emotional distance) in their marriage ended up less happy or satisfied years later. Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity—who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later.
These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in danger of deteriorating. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of saying something just doesn’t smell right!
Someone once said that to men the five most frightening words in the English language are “Let’s talk about our relationship.” Truth is, those words can be just as frightening to plenty of women. The best way to conquer this fear is to talk about issues in your relationship while they are still minor, before they build up steam and become combustible. A Marital Poop Detector lets you do that.
Usually one member of a couple tends to take the lead in sniffing out trouble. More often than not it is the wife. When her husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out what’s wrong. But there’s no reason why you both can’t perform this function in your marriage.
Here is a list of questions to ask yourself once a week. It will guide you in assessing how your relationship is faring. Just remember to discuss these things using a softened startup and without being critical of your spouse. The best approach is to say something like “Hey, I really feel out of touch with you. What’s going on?” (Be careful not to address any issues right before bedtime. This could interfere with your sleep.)
Instructions: Use this questionnaire to assess how things went in your marriage today (or lately), and whether you want to bring up any issues. Check as many as you think apply. If you checked more than four, think about talking things over gently with your partner, within the next three days.
1. I have been acting irritable.
2. I have been feeling emotionally distant.
3. There has been a lot of tension between us.
4. I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
5. I have been feeling lonely.
6. My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
7. I have been angry.
8. We have been out of touch with each other.
9. My partner has little idea of what I am thinking.
10. We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll on us.
11. I wish we were closer right now.
12. I have wanted to be alone a lot.
13. My partner has been acting irritable.
14. My partner has been acting emotionally distant.
15. My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
16. I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
17. My partner has been angry.
18. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
19. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.
20. We really need to talk.
21. We haven’t been communicating very well.
22. We have been fighting more than usual.
23. Lately small issues escalate.
24. We have been hurting each other’s feelings.
25. There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives.
FORGIVE YOURSELF
After working through the Seven Principles, it is probably very clear to you that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful. Unlike complaints—specific requests for change—criticism doesn’t make a marriage better. It inevitably makes it worse. What causes a spouse to be chronically critical? We have discovered that there are two sources. The first is an emotionally unresponsive partner. Put simply, if Natalie keeps complaining to Jonah about leaving his newspapers on the bathroom floor and he just ignores her, eventually she is likely to start criticizing him—calling him a slob instead of politely reminding him about recycling. This change in Natalie’s approach is understandable, but it is hardly helpful to her marriage since her criticism will make Jonah even less responsive. The only way out of this cycle is for both of them to change—which won’t be easy. It takes courage to be less critical of an unresponsive mate, and it takes courage to turn toward a partner who’s always harping on your flaws. But both changes are necessary to end the cycle.
The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself. Aaron cannot really appreciate or enjoy his own accomplishments. When he has a setback in his business, he feels deep down that he is worthless. When his business is successful, he doesn’t allow himself to be proud. There’s a voice inside him that says this is not good enough. He continually searches for approval but cannot enjoy it or even accept it when it is offered.
What happens to Aaron when he marries Courtney? Since he has trained his mind to see what is wrong, what is missing, and not to appreciate what is there, it’s difficult for him to rejoice in what’s right with Courtney o
r their marriage. So instead of appreciating Courtney’s wonderful qualities, including her sweetness, her devotion, and the deep emotional support she offers him when he is in danger of losing a major client, he focuses on what he considers her flaws—that she is highly emotional, somewhat awkward socially, and not as meticulously clean around the house as he’d like.
The story of Aaron and Courtney is what’s wrong 85 percent of the time in most marriages. If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner. And, let’s face it: Anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there—we take those for granted.
If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life so far, I realize the immense difference it has made in my role as a husband and a father for me to forgive myself for all of my imperfections.
One route toward this forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs. My religion, Judaism, has helped me to cherish and nourish what is good and strong in myself and in my relationship. In Judaism prayer is primarily used either for thanksgiving or to praise. Yet the religion claims that God does not require endless praise, flattery, or thanks. So what is the purpose of these prayers? They are not meant for God’s benefit but to help the person who is praying. These prayers are designed to help us appreciate the works of God, this beautiful world we have inherited, and to notice and be thankful for the blessings we continually receive. Whatever your religion, there is a message in here for your marriage: Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt. The following exercise will start you on this path.
An Exercise in Thanksgiving
Step 1. For one week try to be aware of your tendency to criticize, to see what is missing, to focus on what is not there and comment on it. Try instead to focus on what is right. Notice what you have and what others contribute. Search for things to praise. Begin with simple things. Praise the world. Appreciate your own breathing, the sunrise, the beauty of a rainstorm, the wonder in your child’s eyes. Utter some silent words of thanksgiving (to no one in particular) for these small wonders in your day. This will begin to change your focus on the negative.
Step 2. Give at least one genuine, heartfelt praise to your spouse each day for an entire week. Notice the effects of this exercise on your partner and yourself. If you are able, extend the exercise one more day. Then add another day. Extend the exercise to others—for example, to your children. When you meet someone new, look for what is special about this person. Appreciate these qualities. Remember, this all has to be genuine and heartfelt. Don’t be phony. Notice these positive qualities. Enjoy them. Try to tell people what you notice and genuinely appreciate about them. Just find one thing for each person. Ignore the shortcomings.
As you stretch the period of thanksgiving one day beyond a week, and then another day, and then another, you’ll receive a great gift: You will begin to forgive yourself. Grace and forgiveness will enter your world. This is what the spiritual “Amazing Grace” is all about. You begin to enjoy your own accomplishments, rather than consider them inadequate.
One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to admit his or her own mistake, to say, “I was wrong here” or “I’m sorry.” This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay. It builds in the forgiveness of self. In the same way, saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it to your spouse is a very significant event. The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.
Index
Abrams, Lois
accepting influence, questionnaire
accusations, in harsh startup
active listening
admiration, see fondness and admiration
adrenaline, and stress
affairs, extramarital
affection
“Amazing Grace”
anger, and belligerence
“anything you say, dear”
apology
appreciation, expression of
arguments
resolution impossible in
your last
atmosphere, creation of
babies, see parenthood
bank account, emotional
Barry, Dave
Baucom, Donald
belligerence
blame, avoidance of
Bly, Robert
body language
brain, oxytocin in
cardiovascular system, and stress
Carstensen, Laura
Carter, Loren
children
behavior problems of
stress levels of
see also parenthood
common ground, finding
communication
of apology
of appreciation
body language
creating atmosphere in
feedback loops in
of feelings
getting to yes in
of repair attempts
stonewalling in
stop action!
stress-reducing
complaint
vs. criticism
without blame
compromise
conflict
avoidance of
different styles of
escalation of
exercises in
gridlocked
key to resolution of
perpetual
questionnaire
solvable
subjective reality in
your last argument
conflict resolution
key to
in marriage therapy
connection, rituals of
contempt
antidote to
criticism and
cynicism and
criticism
complaints vs.
as harsh startup
pain of
culture
cynicism
date, weekly
Dateline NBC
decision making
defensiveness
detecting dreams
disengagement
divorce
bad memories in
body language in
in end stage
extramarital affairs and
failed repair attempts and
flooding in
four horsemen in
harsh startup in
and health
parallel lives vs.
predictions of
rates of
Divorce Mediation Project
Doherty, William and Leah
dreams
content of
detecting
hidden
respect for
emotional bank account
emotional intelligence
of husbands
end stage
Ephron, Nora
evolution, and survival
exercises
conflict
detecting dreams
emotional bank account
finding common ground
fondness and admiration
goals
Gottman Island Survival Game
gridlock
history and philosophy of your marriage
“I appreciate . . .”
influence
in-law problems
love maps
make your own love maps
paper tower
problem solving
rituals
roles
saying thank you
self-soothing
seven-week course in fondness and admiration
shared meaning
softened startup
soothing each other
stress-reducing conversation
symbols
thanksgiving
turning toward each other
twenty questions game
what to do when your spouse doesn’t turn toward you
who am I?
yielding to win
your last argument
expectations, lowering of
expenditures
extramarital affairs
family rituals
feedback loops
feelings, communication of
fighting vs. friendship
fight or flight response
finances
five hours, magic
flooding
emotional distress in
physical sensations of
and problem solving
questionnaire
stonewalling and
fondness and admiration7
antidote to contempt
exercises in
fanning the flames of
history and philosophy of your marriage in
“I appreciate . . . ”
learning from history
in magic five hours
questionnaire
seven-week course in
forgiveness, of yourself
four horsemen
contempt
criticism
defensiveness
stonewalling
friendship vs. fighting
focus on
and influence
and parenthood
repair attempts in
future, financial
gender differences
anthropological evidence of
changes in
in influence
in physiological reactions
see also men; women
Gigy, Lynn
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 27
