goals
exercise
personal
Gottman, Julie
Gottman Island Survival Game
gridlock
dreams and
end of
exercises in overcoming
saying thank you
signs of
soothing each other in
work on issue of
Hahlweg, Kurt
harsh startup
appreciativeness vs.
clear statements in
complaint without blame
criticism in
exercise in
first three minutes of
“I” statements
judgment and evaluation in
politeness vs.
questionnaire
softening of
storing things up in
health
and immune system
and marriage
history, learning from
history and philosophy of your marriage
honesty
honor, how to convey
House, James
housework
flexibility in
solving problems of
Who Does What List
husbands
and baby care
changes in roles of
emotionally intelligent
and housework
learning to yield
and parenthood
playing with baby
sensitivity to needs of
see also men
immune system, and health
influence
“anything you say, dear”
changes in
compromise in
decision making in
emotionally intelligent husbands and
escalation of conflict in
exercises
and friendship
gender differences in
Gottman Island Survival Game
learning to yield in
negativity in
power sharing in
questionnaire
resistance in
yielding to win in
in-laws
exercise in problem solving with
solving problems of
intelligence, emotional
interests, common
“I” statements
“I appreciate . . . ”
“I feel”
“I need to calm down”
Jacobson, Neil
Kehr, Dana
Kelly, Joan
killer cells
knowledge, strength in
Lawson, Annette
Levenson, Robert
life expectancy
listening
active
and stonewalling
Love Lab
and Dateline NBC
divorces predicted in
turning toward each other in
love maps
exercises
knowledge and strength in
make your own
questionnaire
twenty questions game
who am I?
Maccoby, Eleanor
magic five hours
maintenance
magic five hours
marital poop detector
questionnaire
self-forgiveness
thanksgiving
marital poop detector
marriage
anatomy of
benefits of
and communication, see communication
and conflict resolution
emotionally intelligent
end stage of
friendship vs. fighting in
and health
history and philosophy of
importance of satisfaction in
and life expectancy
maintaining momentum in
myths about
parallel lives in
primed for romance
purpose of
saving of
scientific data on
marriage therapy
active listening in
conflict resolution in
length of time for
problem solving in
validation in
wrong kind of
meaning, see shared meaning
memories, negative
men
cardiovascular systems of
control exercised by
from different planets
as emotionally intelligent husbands
learning to yield
as unfit for monogamy
yielding to win
see also gender differences; husbands
Million Man March
momentum, maintenance of
money
everyday finances
financial planning
itemizing expenditures
solving problems of
monogamy, men not built for
mothers, see parenthood; women
myths, about marriage
natural killer cells
negative sentiment override
negativity
in flooding
four horsemen and
harsh startup and
increase in
in memories
neuroses
oxytocin, in brain
paper tower
parallel lives
parenthood
baby care in
break for mom in
dad’s needs in
focus on marital friendship in
solving problems of
time for the two of you
values shifting in
partings
past
learning from
rewritten
perpetual conflict
personal goals
personality problems
philanderers, men as
philosophy and history of your marriage
poop detector
positive sentiment override
power sharing
problem solving
compromise in
in conflict
exercises in
finding common ground in
and flooding
vs. gridlocked conflict see also gridlock
housework
in-laws
in marriage therapy
money
paper tower
parenthood
repair attempts in
sex
softening startup in
soothing yourself and each other in
stress
tolerance in
Promise Keepers
questionnaires
conflict
flooding
fondness and admiration
harsh startup
influence
love maps
maintenance
repair attempts
romance
shared meaning
quid pro quo
reality, subjective
religion, and influence
repair attempts
failed
getting the message through in
in problem solving
questionnaire
research
self-report method in
resistance, signs of
respect, how to convey
reunions
rituals
of connection
exercise
family
Rogers, Carl
roles
exercise
life
shared meaning and
romance, questionnaire
Sanday, Peggy
sarcasm
and contempt
in harsh startup
Seattle Love Lab
and Dateline NBC
divorces predicted in
turning toward each other in
s
ecret weapon
self-forgiveness
self-soothing, exercise
set point theory
Seven Principles
conflict
evidence toward
fondness and admiration
gridlock
influence
love maps
problem solving
shared meaning
turning toward each other
seven-week course in fondness and admiration
sex, solving problems of
Shapiro, Alyson
shared meaning
atmosphere created in
culture in
exercises in
in family rituals
goals in
questionnaire
rituals of connection in
roles in
symbols in
soothing each other, exercise
soothing yourself and each other
stonewalling
stop action!
strength, in knowledge
stress
and cardiovascular system
children and
and fight or flight response
of flooding
gender differences in
physiological reactions to8
reduction of
self-soothing exercise
solving problem of
soothing each other, exercise
soothing yourself and each other
of unhappy marriage
subjective reality
survival
evolution and
Gottman Island game of
symbols
exercise
shared
thanksgiving, exercise
thank you, saying
therapy, see marriage therapy
tolerance
turning toward each other
emotional bank account in
exercises in
romance questionnaire
stress-reducing conversation in
what to do to promote
twenty questions game
University of Washington, Love Lab
and Dateline NBC
divorces predicted in
turning toward each other in
validation
values
atmosphere for discussion of
changing
see also shared meaning
Verbrugge, Lois
we-ness, establishing a sense of
white blood cells
who am I?
Who Does What List
Wile, Dan
wives, see women
women
from different planets
and housework
men’s control over
and parenthood
see also gender differences
workaholics
yes, getting to
yield, learning to
yielding to win
your last argument
Zillman, Dolf
About the Authors
JOHN GOTTMAN, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, is the Mifflin Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington and Codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute. He graduated magna cum laude from Fairleigh Dickinson University with a B.S. in mathematics-physics. He obtained his M.S. in mathematics-psychology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin. Dr. Gottman is the author of more than one hundred professional journal articles and several books, as well as the recipient of numerous prestigious awards for his extensive contributions to marriage and family research. As codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, Dr. Gottman conducts several intensive weekend workshops per year for clinicians and for couples, based on his scientific research on how long-term happy and stable marriages work. Contact the Institute at their toll-free number, (888) 523-9042, or on the web at www.Gottmanmarriage.com.
NAN SILVER is a Contributing Editor of Parents magazine. She is a former Editor-in-Chief of Health magazine and coauthor, with Dr. Gottman, of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She lives in Montclair, New Jersey, with her husband and children.
Also by John Gottman
Meta-Emotion:
How Families Communicate Emotionally
with Lynn Katz and Carole Hooven
The Heart of Parenting:
How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
with Joan DeClaire
The Analysis of Change
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
with Nan Silver
What Predicts Divorce?
The anecdotes in this book are based on Dr. Gottman’s research. Some of the couples are composites of those who volunteered to take part in his studies. In all cases, names and identifying information have been changed.
Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint from After the Honeymoon copyright © 1988 by Daniel B. Wile. Reprinted by permission of John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Copyright © 1999 by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Harmony Books, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Harmony Books is a registered trademark, and the Circle colophon is a trademark of Random House LLC.
Originally published in hardcover in the United States by the Crown Publishing Group in 1999, and subsequently published in paperback by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, New York, in 2000.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Gottman, John Mordechai.
The seven principles for making marriage work / John Gottman and Nan Silver.
1. Marriage. 2. Married people—Psychology. 3. Communication in marriage. 4. Man-woman relationships. I. Silver, Nan. II. Title.
HQ734.G7136 1999
306.81—dc21
98-45407
ISBN 978-0-609-80579-4
eISBN 978-0-609-89953-3
v3.1_r1
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 28
