Blurred

by Kim Karr

  I also asked if Dahl had dated many guys and she told me no, just the one. I had hoped there were more because that would make her more like me. She would have been doing what I had been doing—trying to find a substitute to fill the hole. When I first got to New York I was lost. I had no one. For months I didn’t go out or talk to anyone. Then after a while I tried to date someone, but everything we did just brought me back to the life I left, the life I missed, and it wasn’t fair to that girl.

  I started teaching that fall, but it didn’t help me forget Dahl. That Halloween I knew she must need me and I wasn’t there. I went out and got shitfaced and fucked a girl that looked like her. That started me down a road I can’t even remember clearly. Work, eat, drink, fuck. I never thought I’d see Dahlia again so I fucked just about every tall blond I ran into. And New York was loaded with them. But I never stuck around . . . they weren’t replacements for her and I didn’t want to get that close.

  I stopped trying to replace her over time because no matter how much I wanted it, there was no substitute for her. My love for Dahl never went away, but I met Kimberly shortly after Caleb told me he had seen Dahl with some guy in the Hills. Although I hated that she had moved on, for some reason it brought me closure and I stopped fucking around. Kimberly and I started dating and after a few months, I felt like I’d found a happy medium. I didn’t screw around on her. I liked her enough. Yeah, maybe she looked a lot like Dahlia, but she didn’t act like her. She never called me on my shit and never put me in my place. We had a good sex life and a decent time together. She wasn’t needy and didn’t pressure me for more than I was willing to give.

  I was committed to Kimberly until I was told I could go back, at which point I told her I had an emergency back home and I’d be in touch soon. She didn’t know anything about where home was . . . I was always vague. She knew I was from California and she knew me as Alex. I didn’t want to explain anything different. So I haven’t talked to her since I left. I am going to call her—I owe her that. I just haven’t figured out what I am going to say.

  All along I wanted to believe Dahl’s commitment to this guy was like my commitment to Kimberly—committed until something else came around. I had thought I would not only be her first, but also her last. And now hearing she’s going to marry another guy has torn my heart apart.

  Yeah, my life might suck now, but it also sucked before I returned to things here. I called Kimberly a few times while in Australia but she didn’t answer. I wanted to find closure with her. Thinking back, there are many things I would want to change but the first would be how I handled finding out Dahl was in love with someone else. I knew she was happy. Why couldn’t I just leave it alone?

  Why did I think I should try to change that? Now I miss the friendship we shared. I could have just tried to regain that. But instead I wrecked it.

  The ring tone of my cell jolts me out of my thoughts. Grabbing my phone, I see its Caleb.

  “Where the fuck have you been?”

  “Nice way to answer the phone.” Caleb laughs.

  “I called you over a week ago.” I settle back on the bed.

  “Sorry, man. Haven’t had access to a phone.”

  “I don’t want to know.” I chuckle.

  “So what was so important?”

  “Not so much important. Just odd.”

  “Okay, what was so odd, then?”

  “Strangest thing. Bass called me in her office and told me the data I had given her on the drive was useless. The team working with her thought it might have been pulled from a phonebook put on there to throw them off.”

  “What did you tell them?” Caleb asked.

  “What could I tell them? Just that I hadn’t dissected all the data before I wrote the story.”

  “They’re fucking incompetent. They have no idea how to see their way through what’s right in front of them. I’ll make a few calls and see if I can get a copy of the info. Did Jason see it?”

  “I have no fucking idea. He wasn’t in the room and his name never came up.”

  “Look, man, I have to run, but I’ll see if I can find anything out and let you know.”

  “Sure thing.” And with that we hang up.

  Something about that phone call seems off. Caleb has never mentioned Jason working on the cartel case.

  I glance at the time on my phone and decide to hop in the shower. It’s almost five and I haven’t left this room yet today.

  While I’m washing my hair my mind shifts gears from Caleb to S’belle. I can’t stop thinking about how she looked at me the other night. She had such disgust in her eyes. Fuuuuck! I slam my hand against the glass and the door pops out of the track. What is it about that girl that constantly has me thinking about her? I turn the water off and stand there, letting water drip down my body. When I step out, all I know is that with all the bad ties between us, it’s better our conversation never went any further. Besides, I only fuck up everything I touch.

  I know I need to get out and clear my head. So I quickly get dressed and head over to Beck’s.

  When I enter I see him on the phone arguing with someone. He hangs up and heads over my way. He slams a mug on the counter and I put my hand out. “How about a cup of coffee?”

  He laughs. “Haven’t ever seen you turn down a beer.”

  I ignore his comment. “Everything okay?”

  He shakes his head. “Ruby’s fucking ex is giving her a real hard time.”

  “What do you mean? I thought he moved out.”

  “He did, but he keeps showing up at the apartment, at work. I called the cops and they say there’s nothing they can do unless he poses a threat.”

  “Has he done anything threatening?”

  “No, but something about him tells me he’s off balance.”

  “My ex-brother-in-law used to work this beat. Let me see if he can help out at all.”

  “Fuck, man, that would be great.”

  A little while later I leave the bar sober and feeling like maybe a small part of my life is coming together.

  ***

  The next morning I have to shade my eyes against the sun’s glare in the room as I roll over to pick up my cell phone and see who’s calling. Irritation flares through me as Agent Bass’s name flashes across the screen.

  “Yeah,” I answer, as I sit up.

  “Ben, it’s Agent Bass. We were wondering if you could come down to the bureau this morning. Josh Hart’s trial concluded yesterday and I’d like to fill you in.”

  I throw myself back on the bed trying to process what she just said. “Ummm . . . yeah, sure but I was never called to testify.”

  “I’ll explain when you get here.”

  “I just have to swing by the office and then I’ll head over.”

  I hang up. Fuck, what the hell is going on? Why is Hart’s trial concluding already? And why hasn’t the drug cartel’s trial even begun? I can’t stand being left in the dark. All I know is that I am to stay put until all of the legal proceedings across these multiple cases are complete.

  Last night I called Jason to ask him if he could help me out with Ruby’s situation. He said it was no problem. He had a buddy still on the force who he’d talk to. I was actually surprised that he agreed so quickly. But when I asked him what he knew about the data on the flash drive, he told me he had no idea what I was talking about. I’m going to throw it all on table today when I meet with Bass. Like I said, I hate being left in the fucking dark.

  Before getting up, I roll over and grab my journal from the nightstand. I quickly flip to the entry made on March third, three years ago—that’s today, the anniversary of my death. Quickly skimming over those painful thoughts, I find an entry that was made much later—the day I learned Dahl had been attacked.

  ***

  When I saw her beautiful face bruised and battered, my gut instinct was that that son of a bitch sitting next to her had hit her. It wasn’t until she left and Caleb sat me down that I realized her injuries were a direct resul
t of my actions. Fuck me—what had I done? How can I ever make this up to her? I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I need her to give me the chance . . . because if she does I’ll spend my whole life making it right. I swear I will.

  I knew then the incident must have had something to do with me, and it did. Actually, she was hurt because of me—because for some reason even after I shut up, even after I killed the story, even after I gave everything except that one flash drive to Caleb, it wasn’t enough. I sit there for the longest time with my head in my hands until I’m able to move. Today is the day I get to the bottom of this—Bass needs to come clean.

  ***

  I’m riding as fast as I can, weaving in and out of stopped cars to get to the courthouse. Entering the building, I empty my pockets and walk through the detectors. I announce myself at the reception desk and within five minutes Agent Bass is guiding me down that same fucking hall. She ushers me into the conference room and a fresh wave of panic overtakes me. Why would I get called in at the end of the trial? Is he going free?

  “Ben, have a seat,” she says.

  “What’s going on?” I stare at her.

  She meets my glance head-on. “We couldn’t call you to testify because we couldn’t charge Hart with anything to do with the cartel. We just haven’t been able to link him to the heads of the operation. All the evidence we have is circumstantial and hearsay. He was tried strictly on aggravated assault and battery charges. The court reconvened yesterday and the verdict is in.”

  I look at her in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me? A pony charge?”

  “Ben, look, we’re not giving up. We just can’t find anything solid to link him to the cartel. All we have is the attack on Dahlia London, which isn’t enough. The District Attorney didn’t want to wait, he pushed the case through.”

  My ears start to ring and I feel like I’m beginning to hyperventilate. Bass pulls a chair out and this time I sit. After a few minutes I look up at her. “Did Dahl have to testify?”

  “No, there was a witness and that was enough.”

  Thank, fuck. I’d have hated for her to have to go through that.

  “Ben, we need more information. There has to be a connection. Someone had to have contacted Hart when he was first released. We need to figure out who it was.”

  My jaw clenches. “You have all I had. Did you ask Jason about it?”

  She forms a scowl. “Jason?”

  “Jason Holt, Caleb’s brother. He’s a vice detective.”

  “No, I haven’t. Should I?”

  I shrug. “I’m not sure, but Caleb mentioned him when I brought up the flash drive. I thought maybe you were working together.”

  “His name isn’t familiar. I’ll look into it. Ben, are you sure you didn’t keep a copy of anything?”

  I slam my hand on the table and stand up. “Yeah, I’m fucking sure.”

  We are face-to-face. Her gaze drifts to the folder on the table. “I just had to ask.”

  Fury crashes through me. “Are we done?”

  She nods. “Yes, but we need you to stay in this jurisdiction.” Her voice is softer this time.

  “Right!” My pulse thuds as I turn and walk out the door and down the same fucking hallway for what I hope is the last time.

  ***

  Lingering on the threshold of sanity, I swerve to the right. My hands grip the bars and my heart pounds. Horns honk, but I keep going. I skid to a stop at a traffic light, wishing I had just run it. I’m not sure why I feel such an overwhelming urge to see that son of a bitch get what is due to him. I swerve to the right and turn on La Cienega. The courthouse is only five blocks away but even that seems too far. I park as close as I can. I flash my press pass and surprisingly it works. For once, I’m grateful for my fucking job. I feel a tightness in my chest as I race up the stairs to the courtroom. I file in quietly and have a seat. All I see is his back, but I recognize him immediately—the slick dark hair gives him away.

  Glancing around the room, I see Jason sitting in the front row. Confusion descends on me. What the hell is he doing here? How is he connected to all of this? I try a million different ways to put the pieces of the puzzle together but they just don’t fit. Thirty minutes pass and Jason sits there, waiting, like me. Time seems to move so slowly. I wait for the asshole to turn around but he never does. Finally, the judge enters the courtroom. As the jurors file in, the bailiff asks everyone to rise. The jurors all take their seats in the jury box and we follow.

  The judge addresses the jury. “Has the jury reached a verdict?”

  The foreperson responds, “Yes, we have, your Honor.”

  The bailiff hands the verdict form to the judge as he reads aloud, “As to Count 1, the jury finds the Defendant guilty . . .”

  I tune out the rest. Guilty was all I needed to hear. I stand to leave just as he turns. He looks the same—a spray of black bangs over dark round eyes, a slight mustache covering his lip, and a stance like he could never be defeated. I notice the eye contact between him and Jason and know there is something going on. I tense even further at the thought. With my eyes locked on Josh’s, I stay where I am. Fury overtakes his humbled face when he recognizes me. In that instant, he flies into a rage—his eyes turn wild.

  He points to me. “You, you did this to me! You took my family from me, you took everything from me!”

  Looking around I see an old man and a young, rail-thin woman with long dark hair quietly begging him to be silent. But their pleas go unheard as two armed court officers grab him and drag him out of the room.

  But his last words ring in my ears even after he’s left the room, and a shiver rides down my spine.

  “You’ll get yours! An eye for eye. Don’t forget it,” he spat at me.

  Horror had paralyzed me as I watched him being escorted kicking and screaming out of the courtroom, thankful he was being put away. Jason must have passed by me without my noticing. I flee the courtroom and spot him in the hall.

  “Jason, hold up!” I yell, but he keeps moving and disappears into a door marked PRIVATE.

  “Fuck, what is going on?”

  As I exit the building I call Caleb. I get his fucking voice mail again. “Call me. I want to know where you found Josh Hart!”

  Chapter 10

  Leave the Lights On

  The sky has begun to cloud over as I maneuver through the stop and go traffic on Melrose. Cars are parked haphazardly lining the street and I squeeze into a space between an SUV and an Escort. I already decided going back to work was not happening. One turn of the key and the roar of my engine ceases; I stand here with the heavy metal between my legs. I don’t want to go back to that shithole of a room right now. Fuck, I have nowhere else to go. I hop off and just start walking. I stop in at Four & Twenty Blackbirds, but Ruby isn’t working today. I head to Beck’s but he’s not behind the bar. The bartender’s face flashes recognition as I walk up to her.

  “Hey. Is Beck around?”

  “No, he took a few days off. He told me that if you stopped by to tell you he’d be in touch.”

  “That’s mysterious. What’s going on?”

  She shrugs. “No idea. Just passing on the message. You drinking?”

  “No, not this early. I was just looking for Beck. I’ll see you around.”

  I go outside to get some air and clear my head. While I’m walking aimlessly down the crowded street, my cell rings. I pull it from my pocket. Fuck, it’s not Caleb. It’s Bass. “Yeah,” I answer, anything but thrilled that she’s calling me so soon after I left her office.

  “I looked into Jason Holt. He’s not involved in the case but when I crossed his name with Josh Hart’s I found that Hart was one of his informants years ago. Did you know that?”

  My head spins. Has Jason been involved the whole time? “No, I didn’t. But thanks for letting me know.”

  I leave another message for Caleb. Fuck, I need someone to talk to. I want to call my sister but she took Trent to Hawaii a few days ago. Having no place else
to go, I end up outside of S’belle’s place.

  I smile when I see her car parked out front—maybe my luck is finally changing. At the metal gate that leads into the courtyard, I debate ringing the bell but I don’t have to hesitate for long. She emerges with that dick of a boss following her. She’s carrying a basket of flowers and he holds the gate open for her. They look pretty cozy. I guess there was more going on between them—just not what I thought it was.

  Turning on my heels I head back to Beck’s. The walk feels so much longer than I remember it being on my way here. When I finally open the door, I’m ready for a drink.

  “Haven’t seen you a while,” the bartender jokes. “Decided to come back for an early one after all?”

  “Something like that. I’ll have a scotch. No ice.”

  She looks thoughtful for a moment. “Sure, Ben, no problem.”

  I see something different in her eyes and wonder if it’s pity.

  “Join me?”

  She leans forward setting two glasses in front of me. “These are on me. Shhh, don’t tell the boss.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.” I slam mine back as soon as the bottle clears the glass. I set it down. “Thank you.”

  She refills the glass and we do this move two more times.

  She eyes me. “Rough day, I take it.”

  “Something like that,” I say again. I’m not in the mood for chitchat and she catches on right away because she sets the bottle next me and leaves me alone.

  After an hour passes, I’m ready to talk. The joint is dead, so I call her over. She winds around the bar and has a seat next to me and I spill it all. With whisky-numbed lips, I just can’t seem to shut up. I tell her about the courtroom and the danger to Dahl and how relieved I am the guy got put away. How there’s a girl I want nothing more than to be with but that I blew it. She listens, but never says anything. When a few customers enter the bar, she gets back to work. I sit there with my hands on my head just thinking about how the fuck I got to this place. It’s the same question I’ve asked a thousand times.