Shadows of Humanity

by J. Armand

“No.” He smiled.

  “No hospitals. I have bad experiences with them.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I can do it,” I said. Gianluca had brought us to yet another hotel and fetched a first aid kit while I showered. He insisted on wrapping my wounds for me after they had been cleaned since they still weren’t healing, but I wouldn’t let him. It just felt odd having someone dote over me.

  “Stubborn.” Gianluca surrendered the bandages. “Always the little ones are very, very stubborn.”

  “My parents were doctors. They taught me some basic things like how to properly dress a wound, set a splint. That kind of stuff.”

  “They would be proud.”

  “I don’t know about that.” I saw stars when applying the alcohol swab to sterilize each cut. They were deeper and more numerous than I had thought before I cleaned away the blood. Not the most attractive sight, and Gianluca was sitting right up against me on the bed. My regeneration needed to come back fast, even if only for the purpose of my vanity. In all seriousness, its loss was a major problem for the battles ahead. “I don’t think this is the life they wanted for me.”

  “Why do you say this? You know so much. The battle, the medicine, the architecture. And you are so young. I would be very proud.”

  “I’m not that young. Compared to you, yeah. But, I’m twenty-three, twenty-four soon, and I haven’t done anything except barely survive. And right now I can’t even heal.”

  “Twenty-three? You are just a baby!” He laughed heartily and rubbed my back.

  “No, I’m not. In your Rome twenty-three was middle-aged. How old did you think I was?”

  “I do not know. Two hundred? You are very strong and wise. In Roma I was not like you at this many years. It was fight, fight, fight. I did not think much about the life after.”

  “How old are you exactly?”

  “Hm, the empire was new. I start becoming the soldier some years before.”

  “Wow. You’re older than the Colosseum. So you were already undead when it was built?”

  “Yes. I like the sports and I always want to fight there. I go to see many times. The lion is my favorite. I cheer for it, not the gladiator sometime.” Gianluca was smooth. As we talked, he finished bandaging me while I got lost in the sound of his voice and thoughts of what it must have been like back then. I couldn’t help stealing glances at him and smiled when he noticed and our eyes met. He smiled back warmly and moved so I was sitting between his legs with my back to him. We were in a hotel room, at night, and I was shirtless on the bed. This was going one way and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

  “We should, um, go get Noah and head to Japan.” It wasn’t that I didn’t want anything to happen between us, but I was nervous. I wasn’t about to open my heart to someone who could disappear as quickly as a fleeting shadow. I was also entirely too inexperienced in affairs of the heart, both romantic and carnal. It wasn’t an opportunity that presented itself often in my current lifestyle. In the past I had tried to conceal my orientation for fear of what people might say.

  “Tomorrow. You need rest.” He spoke quietly into my ear and then tickled my side.

  “Hey! Not fair! Stop it!” I squirmed and let out an uncontrollable laugh.

  Gianluca held my hands in his and hugged me tight. His nose grazed my ear on its way down to my neck. My heart began to pound. “You smell very nice. I like it.”

  Well, that’s something I don’t hear too often. Thank you generic hotel soap. I couldn’t respond. I tried not to make any noise because I knew whatever I’d come out with would be embarrassing.

  “I make sure you have the room all tonight and go check your friend is safe.” I felt his lips hover just above my neck and his warm breath against my bare skin. The tip of his nose travelled back up my neck to my cheek, where he kissed softly. “Have sweet dreams, little one.”

  He disappeared, taking the light along with him. I lay on the bed feeling a bit guilty that I couldn’t sway my thoughts from Gianluca and focus on the war. Was love really a weakness I should avoid? Not that I was in love. I didn’t even know what being in love felt like. But, what if by some crazy chance it happened? If I was fighting to make the world a better, safer place, didn’t I deserve to enjoy it and live with passion?

  I wished I had somewhere to call home again, something that was mine – anything. I had nothing to my name, not even the rags I wore. It wasn’t the acquisition of material goods I cared about. I wanted to stop relying on others. Sure, I could continue surviving out in the wild alone, scavenging for bare necessities, even sleeping off a decade or two to pass the time. But I didn’t see Aurelia out there in the mud worrying over her next meal. Why should I? Even a modest place I’d earned by myself would mean the world to me. I could practice my gift, maybe even create something of worth to be proud of. What will Gianluca do now that he’s awake from his centuries-long torpor? I wondered.

  ---

  “Buon Giorno!” An unfamiliar man’s voice woke me.

  “Silenzio, per cortesia,” Gianluca whispered somewhere in the room. His voice was followed by the squeaky sound of a cart rolling. “Grazie.”

  “Wha–?” I asked in a daze as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

  “Oh, never mind! He is awake,” I heard Gianluca say in a cheerful tone. I noticed I was tucked in under the covers. Gianluca opened the curtains to let the morning sunlight stream in. My eyes adjusted as a member of the hotel staff finished setting a table with many plates of food from a serving cart.

  “What is all this?” I asked once the man left.

  “A breakfast. I do not know what is your favorite, so I take them all.”

  “We can’t eat this! We have no way to pay. This is a lot more than just sleeping on the bed for a few hours.” I got up to look at all the food when I realized where we were from the scene out the window. “Oh my god, that’s the Colosseum… We’re in Rome!”

  “Do not worry so much, little one. I pay with the money.” Gianluca wrapped his arms around me from behind as I stared out the window in awe. The stubble on his face tickled as his lips found their way to my neck again. I put my hand back to touch his cheek and felt his smile grow as he made me squirm.

  “Can we go there?” I asked, still gazing fondly at the Colosseum.

  “Hm, I do not think so, little one. I am sorry.”

  “Oh,” I sighed in disappointment. The Colosseum was so close and it had been a dream of mine to see it. But I had all the time in the world to visit it on another trip. At least there was a warm meal.

  “I think the Colosseum is the most beautiful thing in Roma until I bring you here. It would be jealous of you.” He cracked a smile and waited for me to laugh. “It is just a joke! Of course we will go.”

  “Very funny.”

  “Come, eat. Then we will visit the Colosseum.” He pulled a chair out for me and started filling my plate. “Your favorite. It is like the dessert.” He added a croissant filled with jelly. There were all sorts of breakfast pastries, fresh fruit, and best of all, coffee.

  Gianluca rested his arm across the back of my chair while we ate and looked out at the wondrous landscape.

  “You are quiet,” he said after a few minutes of silence. “I think you need more sleep, no? The Colosseum will be here for you later.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I slept really well.” For once I wasn’t conflicted about whether or not someone had ulterior motives. I felt in my heart that Gianluca was genuine despite his past. Or maybe I just wanted him to be more than anyone else I’d met. Either way, at the moment I was nervous about normal things like what to say, what he thought of me, what the future would hold. Unlike the other supernaturals, I coveted normalcy more than power, but now that I had a taste of it I didn’t know what the heck to do. Was this like an actual date? Do people like me get to do that stuff? I mean, without pretending we’re something we’re not.

  “What did you dream?” he asked as I got lost in my own thoughts again.

&n
bsp; “I didn’t. I usually have bad dreams, so I was happy to make it through the night without one.” That sounded like more of a downer than I wanted. I didn’t want to tell him that I had been thinking about him before I fell asleep. That would be awkward. But what would I say instead?

  “You have a good dream sometime, no?”

  “I daydream a lot. I was thinking how I want to practice more of what you taught me.”

  “You are very talented. I want to be with you when you do this.”

  “Definitely.” I smiled at him and finished off my coffee. “What was it like staying in the shadow world for so long? Wasn’t it lonely? Or were you asleep the whole time?”

  “Hm, I will be honest. I do not think this when I am there, but when I see Roma, my home, I miss it very much. I would like this again. Now I feel only lost.”

  “Me too. It’s only been a couple of years, but I miss having a home and people I care about.” It was amazing how much I had in common with someone from a completely different time period. He was older than most present-day countries, but sometimes when we talked it was like we had grown up in the same world.

  “Why you do not have this?”

  “After my parents died I moved in with a friend. He wasn’t like us, though. I thought he didn’t understand me and I would get him in danger, so I left. Since then I’ve just traveled with Noah, trying to stay out of trouble, but we haven’t been doing a very good job.” For the first time I considered that Gianluca and I were the same. It was always the undead, with me as some side-note abomination without a label. Then there were the Blackbournes: still just another place I didn’t actually fit in. With Gianluca, I felt like I belonged. It was a group of two and that was more than enough.

  “You will be safe, little one,” he reassured me. “I will help find you the place to have a home. Then you will make beautiful work and I will watch.”

  “Thanks, Gianluca. That’s really sweet, but I didn’t mean I wanted you to do that for me.”

  “It is no problem. I know what you feel because I want this too. When the soldier leave the army in Roma he is thought to make a family. I do not think of this until I come back here because of what happen in my life. Now I have no empire to serve and no loved one to protect. When I have the dream it is to do this. I like the sweet things.” Gianluca selected a strawberry from the bowl of assorted fruit and offered it to me. “Do you like it?”

  “Yes, I do.” I went to take it from him, but he pulled away. He got such a kick out of teasing me. None of the undead I met had any sense of humor or playfulness left in them. Maybe the undead condition also gave them an aversion to fun along with sunlight. Gianluca wasn’t one of them anymore.

  “With the mouth.” He insisted I let him feed me the strawberry by putting it near my lips and watching them eagerly.

  “Really?” I laughed through the tension.

  “Yes, why not? The taste is very good. You will like it,” he coaxed. After some hesitation I bit into the fruit. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. It was making me laugh even as I chewed. It seemed so corny when I saw other people do it, but actually experiencing it was kind of romantic in a way I couldn’t explain.

  A drop of juice rolled to my chin. Gianluca caught it with his finger before I could. His hand remained on my cheek and by the look in his eyes I knew what was coming. My stomach clenched. I felt hot all over and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as his face drew near to mine. He brought me closer to meet him halfway until there wasn’t enough room to slide a piece of paper between us.

  “Gianluca…wait.” When I spoke I could feel my lips brush against his. “I can’t.”

  I turned my head away and blocked his kiss with my other cheek, not knowing what I was feeling. Was it nerves? Shame? Embarrassment? He sat back in his chair, but I couldn’t look up at him.

  “I know. You do not like what I have done in my past,” he said in a forlorn tone. “I do not blame you. It is wrong to try make you to forget.”

  “No, it isn’t that. I like you a lot. I’m just… I don’t know, not very good at this stuff. I’m not used to it and I’ve never really done it before. Well, once, but he was nothing like you and that was years ago.”

  “Oh?” Gianluca brightened up slightly. “I know you are very shy. I think after I tell you of me, you do not look at me the same, but I must try.”

  “I guess I am shy. I’m sorry.”

  “Do not be sorry. This is who you are.” He moved in again and gave me a hug with one arm. “The future has many years when you cannot die. It is good I am a very patient man.”

  “Do you ever want to go back?” I asked. “To your time, I mean.”

  “Yes, but this is my time now. We can change where we are and who we are with, but not when. I am so lucky to found you because you make me feel welcome.”

  “Good.” I smiled up at him. “You make me feel the same way. I don’t always feel like I belong in this world.”

  Gianluca finished his coffee and stood at the window looking out. He was every bit as statuesque as the aesthetically flawless city beyond. I could see him posing for a sculptor in Ancient Rome to be immortalized in marble.

  “Come, we go to see the beauty of Roma now,” he said. I grabbed my sweatshirt and tore the sleeves off to get rid of the bloodstains. With my forearms and hands wrapped up this I felt like I was preparing for a fight in the ring. Fitting for a trip to the Colosseum.

  The shadows sucked me in and together we were pulled to the dark recess under an archway of the Colosseum. Gianluca was taking a lot of risks by using his powers. We bumped up against a tour group where there was no room for a person to have snuck by. Some of them looked at us, puzzled. I could tell they were trying to figure out where we had come from, but turned back around after failing to come up with an explanation.

  Gianluca and I had stars in our eyes as we took in the ancient architectural masterpiece. Just being there fulfilled a long-forgotten dream. I had to touch everything in reach within respectful limits. I wanted to experience it all in every way possible with as many senses. These stones had survived thousands of years and stood against the test of time. This monumental piece of art had withstood regime changes, uprisings, wars, and natural disasters. What better icon of enduring splendor in the face of destruction is there than work like this? And who better to be here with than an actual Roman?

  Parts of the walkways were sectioned off to prevent visitors from accessing them during restoration. This didn’t deter Gianluca. He stepped right through the shadows of the chain-link gate to the other side.

  “Come back! We can’t go there!” I wanted to stop him before anyone saw us and we got in trouble.

  “Why?” he asked with curious innocence.

  “They’re doing work here. See the sign?” I pointed to the big colorful “Restricted Access” sign that listed its notice in a multitude of languages.

  “That is not for us.” He gave it a quick once-over and pulled me through to him. His carefree nature made me made me laugh. As much as I enjoyed him hugging me again it was making me even more nervous. “You are so happy, it is very cute.”

  “Don’t change the subject. We’re going to get in trouble!” It was funny hearing a former Roman soldier say “cute.” I could picture him hearing it used for the first time and deciding to add it to his vocabulary.

  “When do they bring the lion?”

  “I don’t think they do that anymore. There are laws against that kind of thing.” I tugged on his arm, trying to get him to leave, but I had a better chance of moving the Colosseum itself.

  “I know. It is a joke. I see here many times when it changed. Now the men fight in the small metal cage.”

  “You mean MMA? Yeah, I guess that is like a modern version of the gladiator battles. That’s something else we have in common.”

  He shrugged in disappointment. “The fight, no men die. It is just a practice.”

  “You can’t kill someone for entertainment
. That’s cruel. Most of the gladiators were slaves that didn’t have a choice.”

  “Yes, this is true. I think they are not the slaves today though, no? It is their choice, their passion. It is entertainment for the people to watch, but if it is the passion for the one who fights then he should put his life in it. To die for the passion is the greatest glory. This makes the good life filled with honor.”

  “Gianluca, the guards are coming. I don’t want to be thrown out of my childhood dream on my first visit here.”

  At last he listened and returned us to the walkways teeming with tourists.

  “They do not put the water in anymore?” Gianluca held my hand as he listened in on a tour guide’s speech. “Not many people die in the sea battle. I think they could make the show still, no?”

  “Um, I don’t know.” I pulled my hand free before anyone noticed, but he put his arm over my shoulder instead. “Didn’t that only last a short time?”

  A group of tourists passing by glared at us. I couldn’t understand what they were saying to each other, but from their expression it wasn’t nice. I brushed Gianluca’s hand away and walked ahead a few steps. With a single look from a group of strangers my joy turned to anxiety.

  “This is much more better than the diorama, no?” Gianluca came up behind me again and wrapped his arms around me.

  “Yeah.” I wasn’t even enjoying the Colosseum anymore, or Gianluca’s advances. My eyes were on everyone’s disgusted faces. There was nowhere I could look that wasn’t met with probing stares. “Gianluca, stop touching me.”

  “You are such a tease.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, then snuck in a quick tickle to my side. “I do not see the sign this time.”

  I choked back the natural urge to laugh and tried to push him off. “I’m serious, get off of me.”

  I wanted to leave, but didn’t know where the exit was. I was all turned around and my head was spinning from nerves after being demonized for doing nothing wrong.

  “Why? I do this many time before and you like it.”