by Autumn Grey
I look up from my glass and meet her shocked gaze. I nod.
“Has he done anything to hurt him?”
I shake my head. She looks so stunned by my revelation that I’m not sure how to answer that. “No.” She breaths out and her shoulders loosen in relief. “I would never let anything happen to him, Mrs. Holloway.” My words are a solemn promise. Because, really, Cole is my life.
She stands up from the couch and heads for the kitchen again and I sip the raspberry juice in my hands, trying to process the conversation we just had. Minutes pass, and I notice Cole’s mom hasn’t returned. I glance at the clock. I’ve been here almost an hour. I got the info I wanted.
I set the glass on the table and follow her to the kitchen. Her hands are planted on the marble counter of the kitchen island, and her head is bowed down. Her shoulders shake silently as if she’s crying.
I take a step closer. She sniffs and lifts her head, and I’m met with blue eyes similar to Josh’s. I feel the animosity I had toward her slowly ebb away. Standing before me is a woman who is caught between the past and the present. The air is still loaded with the revelation. I bridge the gap between us and wrap my arms around her. She has been good to me and my sister’s since we moved here and treated us almost like we were her own children. I hate to see her hurting.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Holloway.”
She returns my embrace, but only for a few minutes before she steps away. She wipes her palms over her face to hide the hurt swallowing her whole.
“I’m terrified of what Stephen might do,” she says in a low voice. “Maybe you and Cole should break things off.”
What?! That’s not what I was expecting to hear at all. “Why?”
She takes another step back and leans on the sink behind her. “Nothing good will come of this.”
I shake my head and start scratching on the scars on my forearms. Suddenly I feel as if ants are crawling all over my skin. “I can’t. Please don’t ask me to give up Cole.”
Her eyes soften. “I might have an idea as to why Stephen hates Cole. Cole reminds him of his brother, Thomas. Apparently, Stephen’s mother doted a lot on Thomas trying to make up for her husband’s ignorance and neglect. She didn’t give the same attention to Stephen, which made him jealous. Stephen called his own brother an abomination, the same words his father used over and over on Thomas. The other reason is that Cole was also the main reason that cemented my decision to go back to Benjamin. In Stephen’s eyes, my son took me away from him. Your father wants someone to blame, and Cole is the scapegoat.
“You have to break up with him, honey. You know very well, if your father puts his mind to hating something or someone, it’s difficult to convince him otherwise. He will eventually hurt my son. I won’t stand back and watch while he does that.”
I imagine my life without Cole and I feel my heart falling, crashing with a resounding bang at my feet. My mouth opens and closes, but no words come out. I’m still trying to recollect my thoughts, words that will convince her that, our love will survive anything. Thing is, I’m not so sure about that. Maybe I should cut all ties with him. He’d be safe away from my father.
But what about me? A little selfish voice whispers to me. What about us?
My eyes smart with hot tears but I keep them lowered to the counter in front of me. How can she ask me to deny my eyes the sight of Cole, when they were made entirely for that purpose? Asking me to cut him loose is like forcing my heart to stop working. To yank it from my chest and throw it in a deep dark hole.
I mutter, “I’m sorry” over and over until I’m not sure what I’m sorry for.
Maggie’s eyes move from me and over my shoulder, they widen at the exact moment a strong arm wraps around my waist, pulling me back to an equally strong chest.
Cole.
Oh, God.
Oh, crap.
I breathe his scent in and the flow of words stops immediately. Blinking away the tears, I paste a smile on my face and turn to face him. He looks just as breath taking as always, only this time, his eyebrows are scrunched up in what I can only guess is confusion.
“I thought you were supposed to be in school,” I sign, my fingers shaking
“I wanted to check on you. You weren’t in the house,” he signs. “What’s going on?” He glances over my shoulder to his mom and then back to me.
I look at Cole’s mother, and pray that she can see how sorry I am. “This is not my story to tell, Cole, talk to your mom.”
I lift to the tip of my toes and kiss his cheek, brush a thumb across his bottom lip. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
If the history between our parents doesn’t scare you and make you break up with me, a soft voice whispers inside my head as I turn and leave Cole’s house.
The sound of my phone ringing next to my pillow pulls me away from my sleep. I open my eyes. They feel heavy and swollen, a result of crying and I shift on the bed. Elon’s arm falls away from my waist. She came to my room right after dinner, which I hardly ate, and curled up next to me on my bed.
I reach for the phone but something tumbles out of my hand and onto the bed. The penknife. I fell asleep last night, clutching it in my hand like a life line. I was so close to cutting when Elon walked into the room. I’d thought of sending her away but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because as much as I wanted some sort of release, I craved someone to hold me. Be with me.
I shove it under my pillow and grab the phone, swiping a finger across on the screen to answer without checking the caller.
“Eleanor?”
I bolt upright and swing my legs over the side of the bed. “Dr. Thorsten?” I whisper into the phone, darting a look over my shoulder to check if my sister is still asleep. “Could you please hold on a sec? I’ll be right back.”
After my therapist’s confirmation, I place the phone on my pillow then turn on the bedside lamp. I stand up, round the bed and scoop up Elon in my arms, careful not to jostle her. I head out of my room to hers, lay her on her bed and pull the covers over her body. I return to my room and close the door, my heart beating frantically in my chest at the thought of talking to Dr. Thorsten.
I snatch the phone from my pillow and grip it in my hands so it doesn’t slip from my clammy palms. I’ve been waiting for her call and now that she is on the line, I’m dying to blurt out the words fighting to break free from my chest. “Hello. Dr. Thorsten?”
“I’m here, Eleanor. I got your message. Is everything okay?”
I scoot up on the bed until my back hits the headboard, and then draw my legs to my chest. “Not really.” I drop my chin on my knees and inhale deeply, but my lungs can’t seem to absorb enough air. “Today wasn’t a great day. I wanted to cut so badly. . .I think I’m relapsing. God, I can’t go back to cutting. Everything is going well and I’m scared I might lose—”
“Eleanor. Take a deep breath.” I close my eyes and breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. I repeat this several times until the thudding in my ears fades. “Very good. Tell me what happened.”
I give her a short version of what has happened so far since we moved to Florida. I tell her about Cole, Megs, Josh and Simon. She knows my entire life story so she understands the impact my new friends have on my life. She listens and stops me to ask questions. We fall silent when I’m done.
“Do you feel the urge to cut yourself now?”
My fingers slide under my pillow and wrap around the cool object there, and wait to feel something. “No.”
“What do you feel when you are with Cole?”
“Like everything is right in the world,” I answer without thinking and those words make me pause. I’ve been too busy riding on the rush I feel when I’m with him. What if something happens between us? Would I be able to handle it?
“You are over thinking this, Eleanor,” Dr. Thorsten’s gentle voice breaks through my thoughts.
“I’m way too deep in this,” I whisper. “I’m so terrified of losing him. I’m scared of the kin
d of person I’ll be, if I lose him. I don’t want to be like my father. He is so obsessed. . .it’s like a sickness.”
“You are not your father. Your heart beats to a different rhythm than his. You have gone through so much. You are strong. Only you can teach your heart to be strong enough, to prepare for any inevitability.”
Finally, I open my eyes and focus on the moonless night sky out the window through the parted curtains, breathing in the cool night breeze filtering through the window.
“I guess I better let you get some sleep,” I sigh into the phone.
She chuckles. “Actually, I’m about to go out for a fundraiser. No sleeping for me. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days, all right? Call me if you want to talk.”
“Thank you, Dr. Thorsten.” Peace settles inside me, the tension that holds my body captive melts away. She always had a way of making me feel lighter after each session.
After saying our goodbyes, I hang up the call and set the phone on the pillow next to my head, and scoot down the bed until I’m lying on my back, fighting the urge to text Cole.
It’s almost midnight when Cole finally climbs through my window. I see his outline in the soft light from the lamp on the nightstand. He tiptoes toward me, kicks off his shoes and crawls up on the bed. I scrambled out of bed, head toward the door and lock it before returning to him. I shift and lie on my side, facing him and wait for him to talk because I’m too scared to open my mouth.
He rubs his eyes, looking exhausted, and then drops them to sign, “Mom and Dad had a fight. I have never seen them fight like that before.”
This is all my fault. I wish I’d never caught my dad and his mom arguing. I wish I’d never confronted her. I wish the razor had gone for my father’s throat, instead of his cheek.
Not every wish is granted, though.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. It is not your fault.” He assures me, running his fingers through my hair and resting them at the nape of my neck. He pulls me to him while moving his body toward me. “I love you.” He signs with one hand before crashing his lips with mine, his breath warm on my skin. I pull away from him and sit up. If I can’t comfort him, at least I have a little something I wrote for him a while back. “I have something for you.”
He lets go of my neck. I leave the bed and cross the room, flip through the chaos on my desk and find what I’m looking for. I return to the bed and hand him the piece of paper. Then sit back and watch his face as he scans the paper which has words written on it. My attempt to focus on something other than the turmoil I was going through.
He licks his lips, leans forward, and scans the page.
Your eyes are my anchor.
They captivate me, quiet the restlessness in me.
Is it weird I feel so connected to you? My trust for you has no bounds. I know I can close my eyes, let myself fall and you’ll be there to catch me. Even when I’m spinning out of control, confused, roiling in turmoil, I only need to feel your touch to make me breathe again. The past few days, the chaos in my head was too much, too intimidating. You were patient with me. You showed me it was possible to feel love louder than the chaos in my head, love harder to loosen the gripping fist on reality around my thoughts.
Kissed me so slowly I could still fill your lips on me when I fell asleep at night.
Kissed me harder and chased away my fears.
Every day with you is a day filled with butterflies and smiles. Every night while lying on the roof with you, is like the beginning of forever. You make me feel safe. You make me a better person. You silently entered my life, swept me off my feet and I fell truly and madly in love with you. I want nothing more than to fall back skyward with you.
Every day.
Every night.
Every second of the day.
I love you, Cole
He works his jaw and opens his mouth to speak but no words fall out. He covers his eyes with one hand but seems to decide otherwise and drops it.
“Come here,” he orders. I shuffle closer on the bed. He drops the paper between us and cradles my face in his palms so gently. He kisses my lips. “I couldn’t love you any quieter or harder even if I wanted to.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “Please be careful. I can’t lose you. I know that my father is capable of making true on his threats and it terrifies me.”
The look on his face fades, replaced by a hard look and the muscle in his jaw ticks furiously. “He won’t keep me away from you. I can’t wait to take you away from here.”
“I can’t leave my sisters and mother in his hands. You understand that, right?”
He nods. “We will work hard, get jobs then they can move in with us.”
I crawl between his jean-covered legs to snuggle there. He slides his arm around my chest, and pulls me to him, kissing my hair and pressing his head on mine.
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN CONSIDERABLY BETTER the past weeks right after that chat with Dr. Thorsten. I can look at a knife and not think of it as a potential tool to give me relief.
Today is the Winter Formal masquerade ball. It’s also the day I give myself to Cole. I made up my mind a couple of days ago, and with every passing second of the day, I am more certain that I want him to be my first. Megs has been my cheerleader, preparing me mentally for what to expect.
Cole will be picking me up in less than thirty minutes. Elise has been working on making me look pretty. She finishes pining up my hair, holds the beautiful blue gown open and I slip inside.
“Cole is going to go crazy the moment he sees you, sis. He won’t be able to keep his hands to himself.”
My head jerks up, meeting Elise’s gaze in the mirror. My cheeks heat up even more when I notice the pink around my cheeks. Gosh. My body is literally vibrating with excitement. Just thinking of the condoms in my clutch on the vanity sends a thrill down my spine.
I need to keep it together before my sister takes notice of my current state.
I smile and wink at my sister. “That’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
She giggles. “I love this playful side of you.”
I bite my bottom lip to keep myself from grinning like an idiot and admire the dress in the mirror. Megs and I went shopping for gowns last week. I ended up choosing this one.
My gaze moves from the thin halter straps on my shoulder, down to the sweetheart bodice, embellished with little silver pearls. The chiffon material flows from the cinched waist, down to my toes. I turn around slowly to admire the back of the dress, which plunges low and stops mid back. I make a complete round then stop and stare at my reflection.
My sister leans over my shoulder and reaches for the mask from the vanity. She places it on my face, adjusting it around my eyes.
“The silver and blue blend so well with your gown.” Her eyes move to the white scars—which look even whiter in this dress—and when she looks at me, the amount of love on her face humbles me. “Battle scars. You made it, sis.”
I know what she means, but I can’t bring myself to tell her how close I was to breaking down a few weeks ago. I can’t stand seeing the disappointment replace the pride in her eyes. I nod and force a smile, pressing my hands down to smooth the invisible wrinkles.
“God, you look just like mom in that picture when she was seventeen. Remember the one on her dresser, wearing a white gown during her and Aunty Sabine’s graduation party?” I miss not knowing about that part of my family.
Tears prickle my eyes. “I’ll check on her in a bit,” I say, untying the strap of the mask from the back of my head and placing it back on the vanity. And then pull my sister in for a hug. We step apart, and my sister wipes the tears now falling down her cheeks.
“God, look at us, crying like a bunch of babies,” I say, laughing. I pluck some tissues from the box on the table and dab away the mascara trailing down my cheeks.
“No more crying. You’re ruining my work,” Elise scolds me with a cute, stern expression as she grabs the mascara and
applies it again. “What time is Cole coming to pick you up?”
I glance at the clock on my nightstand. “Fifteen minutes. God, Elise, I’m nervous.”
“Nervous?” she snorts, rolling her eyes. “You saw each other this morning. You two literally spend every second of the day staring into each other’s eyes.”
“No we don’t. We also talk. And kiss. And talk.” And explore each other, Cole doing that thing he does with his tongue on my neck.
She crinkles her nose and we laugh again. I pull her into my arms again, hugging her tightly, then lean back. “Thank you, Elise. For everything.”
She shrugs, giving me that smile I love so much. The one that makes me believe in peace, love and unicorns. That the world is better because she is in it.
“I’ll check on Mom now.” I pick the skirt up in my hands and head for the door, and leave my room with Elise in tow.
We walk past Elon’s room. A classical song with very heavy dark tones accosts us in the hallway, causing a shudder to slide down my spine.
“Wow, she’s gone dark,” Elise chuckles.
I shoot a playful scowl at her before stopping at the door and turning the knob. Elise murmurs that she’s going downstairs to make sure the camera is working and skips off.
“Hey Elon,” I say, entering the room.
Surprisingly, she jerks her head up, placing the book she’s reading on the bed. Only Elon can listen to a song like this one while reading. She’s always done this for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I think it’s her way of blocking out whatever is going on around her, which includes my parents fighting.
She eyes my gown, a smile playing on her lips. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” I reach the bed and crouch so we are at eye-level. “You okay, honey?”
She nods, but her eyebrows fold in a frown. “When will you be home?”
“As soon as I can. Elise will be here if you need anything. And you can always call me.” I assure her. I raise my hand and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “I love you and Elise so much.”
